Zach is confused about what to do with waitress Crystal -- aside from having meaningless sex with her, of course. Svet is sad because her boyfriend Martin's dad is dying. The kids go to a Hawaiian Tropic beauty contest. Jose eggs Zach into dancing freaky with the third place beauty contest winner. Zach and John think that Svet may never return to the house if she goes to visit Martin. Zach's ex-girlfriend -- the only girl he's ever loved -- calls his family. So he calls her, but hangs up on her machine. Then he calls Crystal and invites her to a barbeque the day. Then he calls his ex-girlfriend again and gets her. It's a painful conversation for him. Svet feels very sorry for herself because she has to go support her boyfriend. With Svet gone, the kids throw a barbeque. Zach and Crystal discuss their exes. Then they cuddle. Crystal wants more from Zach, and then Zach makes her cry.
Previously on...Svet cried to Martin on the phone how much she hates it there. She told the girls that Martin's dad is sick and it's a huge deal to her because Martin and his pops are very close. Zach's fro rolled around on the bed with waitress Crystal and her non-eyebrows. Zach told the boys that he fucked her. "Wow, that's great, dude," said Jose, unenthusiastically.
Credits. Tyler couldn't look gayer. Kids. Photoshop. Melanoma. Title.
Streets. Night. Bar. Zach hangs with Crystal. Zach camera-hairs that he hasn't met anyone -- since dating his ex -- who he likes spending as much time around as he does Crystal. The kids are all drinking. Sad, desperate girls dance on the bar, Daddy issues only deepening. Zach matches a pink shirt with a baby blue hat and rubs his Zachage all over the dancing Crystal's butt. Ew.
Outside, a drunk Zach tells the drunk Crystal's drunk Friend to take the drunk Crystal home and that he'll call drunk Crystal tomorrow when they're not so drunk. Zach and Janelle weave-walk home, Zach telling the "Please Don't Feed The Models"-t-shirt wearing Janelle that it wouldn't be "fair" of him to hook up with Crystal when she's drunk. What? Isn't that the whole point of alcohol? That's like saying you're not going to drive your car while it's so "full of gas." Feh. Zach says that Crystal is mad at him, but he was doing it for their "relationship" and is that okay? Janelle says that it's sooooo okay and very "respectable" of him. Zach doth camera-protest too much as he tells us that passing out together drunk at 2 AM wouldn't be very much fun and he doesn't "believe" in it. Janelle blathers on, super-slurring again that Zach is doing the right thing and being "such a sweetheart," but that on the other hand Crystal is just thinking about her own hormones, which are telling her, "Fuck me, Zach. Fuck me." Gah. Her hormones have dirty mouths. And terrible taste. Zach laughs.
Bridge. Lighthouse. Houses. Car. Zach and Tyler drive, having a Biggest Sunglasses contest. I think it's a draw. Tyler laughs that Zach is being a dick to Crystal. Zach, stuffy nose as usual, says that he's not being a dick. Obvious stock footage of the car driving, since there is no one in the passenger seat in the shot. (Unless this is the same day and Tyler's head is elsewhere right now. Hmmm?) Tyler goes on that Zach is stuck between what he "ought to do" and what he wants to do. Zach spins the tragic tale of his fat pubescence and how all his female friends would get used by dicky guys; he therefore vowed to never be like that. They discuss control, and Zach says that with just wanting to fuck Crystal and not date her, he's doing exactly what he didn't want to do when he was the sad fat kid. Tyler Noel-Cowards, "Uch. I am glad I'm gay." Delicious!
Key West. Key West. Houses. Salon. Car. Salon. Salon. Inside the salon. Svet's terrible boyfriend Martin calls. He's at the hospital, and his dad is not doing well. He's on a tube and the cancer is everywhere and as soon as they take out the tube, he'll probably die. Svet gasps, her day ruined. No, she's really crying. Martin says that if she wants to come home before he dies she better come this weekend. They're going to wait to remove the tube for at least a few days. Svet says, "I'm so sorry," and they hang up. Sad strings play sadly.
Svet tells the others what's going on. Paula can't remember how to say, "Do Not Resuscitate." Svet sniffles and says that Martin is the only one left in his family and he's going to be all alone. Svet cries. Paula bites her lips, futilely seeking sustenance.
Sunset. Bird. Clouds. Water. Pretty. Night. Streets. Bars. HARD ROCK! The kids go to the HARD ROCK! to watch the Miss HAWAIIAN TROPIC! swimsuit contest. Girls in bikinis. Bikini girls. Jose camera-exposits what's going on. Wow. This is an amazing feat in the annals of television product integration. Two commercials in the span of about three seconds. Congratulations! Bikini girls. The kids cheer. Tyler says, "That is the best ass I've seen yet," getting into it. Bikini girls. Bikini girls. Zach drinks. Tyler laughs. Someone is crowned. Bikini girls.
Inside. John takes photos of the girls. He tells one of them that her nipple is showing. Zach is feeling guilty for being there. Jose tells him that Crystal knows the deal and they already had "the conversation." Despite wearing a polo shirt, Jose is, unbelievably, not popping a collar. This is his formal look, I suppose. Zach camera-fros that they're not a couple yet and it's only been four months since he broke up with his ex and he's not ready to commit. They drink.
Street. Another bar. Zach spits to Natalie, the girl who, we're told, came in third place in the bikini contest. Zach woos her, no shit, by informing her that he is the manager of the Mystic Tan. She pretends to be impressed. Zach mentions that Jose is the assistant manager but Jose is too busy dancing to notice. Or he's pretending not to because, as we know, he hates talking to icky girls. Zach tells us that he likes Natalie's dark hair and dark skin. I'm sure it's not her ludicrously gigantic tits that he likes. Excellent conversationalist that she is, Natalie writes down her website and tells Zach that he can go there and look at all the "hot" photos of herself. Sadly, her attempt to get a plug in doesn't work as they blur out the name of her website. Yeah bitch, it's not like B/M just gives away plugs. You gots to pay them, like, at least a hundred dollars. Natalie calls herself a "loser" because she only got third place. And then she calls Zach a "wonderful man." Wow, she really is a loser. Or drunk.
Later. Zach and Natalie dance. More dancing. More dancing. Tyler has some little girlie friend and she makes snarky comments totally for the camera's benefit, but unfortunately, she doesn't articulate so well so they're lost. Anyway, they make fun of Zach and Natalie. Tyler then camera-queens that their "lustful" interaction made him want to vomit. More terrible dancing. Tyler and Janelle and girlie laugh. Zach makes "sexy" faces. Okay, I vomit too now. Commercials.
Day. Water. Beach. Fishing boat. Seagull. House. FORD! The boys drive. Giant Sunglass Contest continues. Zach talks about Natalie and how surreal it was meeting her. Yeah, douche. It's because you're on the TV! Tyler says that Zach is too concerned about being a nice guy all the time. John asks Zach what would have happened if Natalie had said, "Take me back. I want you to fuck me." Zach denies he would have done anything. Lies. Liars and fools.
Day. Seagulls. Ocean. Signs. Clouds. House. Svet whines to Martin -- whose father is dying -- how expensive flights home are. He's found her a very cheap flight, but it involves her taking a bus to Fort Lauderdale. She reacts as if Martin suggested that she hitchhike on a hobo's back. (Well, to be fair, that's pretty close to the experience of riding a Greyhound. Or, at least, what it smells like.) They argue, speaking, as they do, very rudely to each other. They're going to make a fantastic old couple.
Night. Raining. Statue. Stock footage of a garbage man. Now not raining. Zach and John walk, discussing Svet's going home to see Martin. Zach wonders how long Svet is going to stay for, because how do you leave once you arrive in that situation? John hears him, dude. John camera-frats that maybe Svet will go home and never come back...or realize that compared to a dying father, life at the Real World house really isn't so bad. Okay, come on now. Let's not get crazy.
FORD! Driving. They keep discussing. John wears goofy glasses and babbles. Zach thinks that Svet might stay home. John laughs that they'd then get a new female roommate. This gives Zach pause. They joke around. Cold.
Moon. House. House. Svet calls Martin. Svet's father is buying her tickets for the weekend. The conversation is cut to about four seconds. They hang up.
Day. Zach reads email and learns from his mom that his ex-girlfriend Allison called Zach's parents recently. Zach tells Paula that this is his first love and still the only girl he ever loved. Zach then tells us that as well. Zach immediately starts stressing, saying that he never feels good when he talks with Allison and now he's dating Crystal and that's weird and he's going into major meltdown territory here. Zach gets super-dramatic and calls the phone his "worst enemy" right now. Oh Jesus, grow a pair, ya fucking Yeti.
Zach calls Allison, looking like he's sitting in the dentist's chair. He gets her machine and hangs up. He then immediately calls what the editors are still calling his "crush" Crystal. Zach invites Crystal to a barbeque the night. He calls her "babe" and hangs up. Then he rubs his face and calls Allison again. She answers. Allison doesn't recognize his voice, and then deadpans, "Oh, hi," when she realizes who he is. The conversation continues, and Zach camera-talks, telling us how much "pain" they each have about their failed relationship and it's bringing it all back up. He asks her why she called his folks and she said she was worried that she hadn't heard from him. He says that he should have a good time down there. Zach babbles more to us about how hard this is. They awkwardly hang up. Zach rubs his face. Poor tortured man. Take some poison or stab yourself in the heart; you feel everything this much. Sheesh. Commercials.
Back. Parasailing. Beautiful sunset. Canal. Water. Lantern. House. Night. Jose and Svet. Jose checks the Philly weather for Svet, and he tells her to go get ready for her flight tomorrow: "I don't know what your deal is, yo. You need to pack up shop." Svet goes to pack, telling us the trip isn't going to be "fun" and she can only imagine how sick Martin's dad is. She whines that there is nothing "exciting" about this trip and wah! Zach tells Svet to miss them. "Yeah, right," she says. Then she agrees that she will. Zach wonders whether she'll stay there instead of coming back. Svet says no; she hates both places, but she'd shoot herself in the mouth if she realized she liked home too much. Zach camera-talks about Svet and what a "new person" she is and how no one can help her and she has to make this "decision" herself. Ah, I get it now. B/M trying to manufacture a storyline and drama about Svet maybe leaving where there is none. Got it. Nice try.
Svet goes to bed. Moon. Her alarm goes off. She wakes up. Cab. She camera-talks about wishing for a miracle that Martin's dad will get better, but she has no idea what this trip will hold for her. Airport. Plane. Bye.
Day. Sailboats. Seagull. Sun going down. Now it's night. Motorcycles. House. People arrive for their nighttime barbeque. BBQ montage. Montage. Crystal arrives. Outside.
Zach and Crystal lie out on the windy deck and talk. We learn from the tiny narrators living in Zach's hair that Crystal is going home to see her college friends from Wisconsin. Okay...good for her? Zach tells Crystal, in a very weird, talky, nervous nonstop David Mamet speech (he asks himself questions and then answers them) about talking to his ex -- and he seriously doesn't take a breath for about a minute. Finally he does, and Crystal's tiny eyebrows bring it right back to herself and say how "weird" that is because her ex just called her too! "No way!" says Zach. (Oh shit, there's a skunk outside my window in my backyard right now. What does it want from me? I have no female cats for it to Frenchly hit-on/rape. Well, that's not true. Hey, Olive. You want to go meet someone?) Anyway, Zach asks Crystal whether she's going to see said ex when she goes home, and she stutters that she probably will. Zach makes a mental note to fuck Hawaiian Tropic chick immediately. They go back to see what the others are doing.
BBQ. John babbles, making burgers.
Inside. Zach and Crystal cuddle in bed, clothed, thankfully. Zach blathers on, trying to put words in Crystal's mouth about being confused about seeing her ex. Crystal doesn't punch him in the mouth for being a fucking insufferable nudge, but rather says that she is more worried about jeopardizing anything that they, Zach and Crystal, might have together. Zach camera-talks that he's been nothing but honest and doesn't want to be her boyfriend. Zach makes every dicky boy verbal move as she sniffles. Zach tells Crystal not to choose between him and this other dude and that this is a "tough" conversation and whatever she does and whatever happens is up to her and in the end it's more important to him that they remain friends. Zach can't stop the nonsense, telling us then that he thinks Crystal "understands" the "magnitude" of this and that their futures don't "coexist." Zach, drop the bullshit, you're not trying to break up with us. Crystal, hiding her face, wisely says, "I'd like to go home." He kisses her cheek and says "okay," always the "nice" guy. Ooh, the music supervisor decided to go really subtle this week. "Now we are done," says the droning strummy guitar song. "Now we are done." Someone licked the lens or something because the shot of them hugging as she leaves is crazy blurry. Like a Liz Taylor perfume commercial. She leaves. "Now we are done," one more time, in case we hadn't heard.
House. Ocean. House. Bathroom. Zach and John brush their teeth and talk. Zach says that it's better if he and Crystal don't fuck around anymore, since she's more serious than he is. John says that from now on they need to only hang out with tourist girls. Zach laughs. Asshole.
On the . John wears a cheerleader outfit, and Janelle tells us how fun he is. John says if anything would happen with any of the girls here, it would be Janelle. No shit. Paula is a loon and Svet's Russian mafia boyfriend would castrate you. They skinny dip. Over.