This, the final episode of the Los Angeles season of The Real World, opens with Beth and Glenn reading TV Guide's write-up of the show's season premiere. Glenn chortles when he reads the magazine's description of Jon: "A prudish country singer." Actually, that turn of phrase cracks up pretty much everyone, even the unidentified strangers lolling around the beach house. "Am I prudish?" Jon asks the group, before whipping off the towel wrapped around his waist to show the world his...swimming trunks. More laughing. Apparently, the review also mentions Beth and "a topless jaunt in a rooftop Jacuzzi." Tami reads this and wrinkles her brow. "We have a Jacuzzi up there?" she asks. Aaron chuckles and assures her that they do not. Furthermore, and even more amusingly, according to TV Guide, Beth is a lesbian. Not the Beth that actually is a lesbian; TV Guide means the other Beth. Great fact-checking, TV Guide. This, of course, fills Beth with despair, and she calls everyone she knows to inform them that she is not and never has been a lesbian. Actually, it turns out that people have been coming out of the woodwork, calling her friends and family to ask whether the lesbian rumor is, in fact, true. "Nothing wrong with being a lesssssbian, Beth," Banthony drawls from the balcony as Jon laughs. Beth smiles ruefully and rolls her eyes. Later, she's on the phone upstairs. "That's not true," she insists. "I've never been topless, and I've never been a lesbian!" Now, admittedly, I don't know from lesbianism, but it seems like Beth is missing out all over the place!
Banthony tells the camera that, as soon as people started talking about "press" for the show, she got a big huge pimple, because she's "panicking." She doesn't think she'll read anything anyone writes about the show because she "doesn't believe in media." So, you're on The Real World, why? That's like saying you don't believe in God, and then becoming a nun. Banthony admits that she's looking forward to reading the gay publications but, "as a general rule, [she's] a little leery of the whole thing." Basically, Banthony says, she's afraid people are going to judge her, and she doesn't want to know about it if they do.
Glenn is all up in arms at the idea that the press is passing judgment on him. But Glenn, it's fun for us to pass judgment! You ought to try it! "Hopefully, they will be fair enough to change their opinions as the show progresses," says Glenn, "because nobody is stereotypical and there shouldn't be stereotypes in the world." Wow, that's so profound. I'm sure, somewhere, Martin Luther King Jr. is all broken up that he didn't think to put it like that.
Glenn and Beth are still reading the write-up in TV Guide. "Hey, I'm handsome!" Glenn twitters. "Oh, no. That was last year's cast. Damn." Okay, that was pretty funny. It only took the entire season for Glenn to pry one small, grudging chuckle from me; good work, with that, Glenn.
People pack. And look sad. Tami and Jon talk about how they need to get all ready to leave by Sunday, because they're going to Aaron's graduation on the same day they need to be out of the house.
This comment, naturally, cues up a montage of Aaron studying for his finals. I see this footage in my nightmares, people. With me in the Aaron role, natch, and Piers Plowman in the role of Advanced Economics. Aaron sits in front of one of UCLA's big fancy collegiate brick buildings, and explains that he's having a hectic week: he's graduating, his brother is getting married, and this whole Real World thing is wrapping up. Then he runs into the library to study some more. Glenn pops into tell us that school is really important to Aaron, who then tells the camera that he's really stressed out. He's been preparing for these finals all quarter and he doesn't "want to screw it up in the last couple of days." , he wanders around campus, looking stressed but clean, which was always more than I could manage during finals week. Campus is packed, and Aaron has to pick his way through a ton of people to pick up his lecture notes. It always amused me that, come finals week, there was automatically a 20% increase in the number of cute boys on campus. They're the boys who never went to class, but had to show up for the final. Good-looking, but dumb. Not a bad genre, as far as eye candy goes. Anyway, Aaron finally picks up his notes, and I realize that the area on campus that, in this montage, houses the lecture notes service is now a Krispy Kreme. Change can be a beautiful thing. Aaron voice-overs that, when he was younger, people used to assume that he was dumb just because he was a blond, fratty-looking guy. That pissed him off, he says, and he's spent most of his life pushing himself to succeed academically. Blah blah blah, school is hard.
Jon and Tami sit around the beach house and talk about the end of "the project." I hate when they call it that; it's so pretentious. It's not, like, the Manhattan Project, or something. Jon tells the camera that he's nervous about "the whole world seeing [his] life."
This cues up the Wistful Montage of Los Angeles, Where Jon Became a Man, Sort Of. Jon reflects that he's "way more open-minded" than once he was. "I realized that just because it's my opinion, it's not necessarily right, or not right for everybody," Jon says.
Banthony slowly talks about Jon "changing his awareness." Um, okay. Whatever that means. That's one of those phrases my English teachers would have circled with a red pen and scribbled "unclr" to. Much in the way they would have circled that sentence right there, and written "don't end w/ prep."
Jon and Beth go outside and play volleyball on the beach. Right as they finish the match, Jon notices that the riot police are out in force on the boardwalk. Which happens more than one might think, really. Venice is supposed to by all funky and arty, and a lot of it is, but there are also parts that are pretty rough and tumble. Anyway, Jon and Beth beat it back to the beach house, trailed by the riot squad, and the mounted police. "Are we being followed?" Jon whispers. Beth sort of giggles. They lose the coppers momentarily. Jon voice-overs that he and Beth have gotten really close over the course of "the project." And Beth voiceovers that she's going to miss Jon "the most." Aw, he's like the scarecrow to her Dorothy!
, all of the houseguests talk about where they suspect their fellow roommates will end up. They're all nice enough not to mention either jail or Bellevue. Tami thinks Dom will become a VJ. Jon thinks Dom will have his own line of shoes and hairstyling products. Tami is sure that Jon and Perch have a huge feature ahead of them in music! Huge! Jon is nice enough to say that Tami will have her own show "with a bunch of girls that run around and have attitude." That's an interesting concept for a show. Sounds sort of like G-String Divas. Jon also thinks that Beth will become "a kitty trainer." Jon doesn't seem to have a really great grip on the concept of what does and does not constitute an actual job. For example, I would love to make money by watching movies and television and picking and choosing which of the hot guys contained therein is destined to become the Brad Pitt. A hottie trend watcher, if you will. But no one is willing to pay me to do that! Moving on. Aaron thinks Banthony will be a firefighter, because she's a pyromaniac. Dom thinks Aaron will become a transvestite. Jon chirps that "the sky's the limit for anyone in this house, really." Aw, the misguided optimism of youth! I remember it well.
, Aaron says how hard it is to study in the house. "It's just a nightmare," he complains, because everyone is so dang loud. Because everyone knows frat houses are as silent as the grave. Be that as it may, the beach house is loud, and Aaron can't get any work done, and he wants to die.
Glenn says that Aaron has every right to be proud of his academic accomplishments, as the camera crew follows Aaron to the final final of his academic career. As he scribbles things on his test, he reflects that, for the last few months, he's been telling himself, "This is the last time I'll do this, this is the last time I'll do that." I remember that feeling really well. Aaron says he feels "great," but I just recall everything being sort of bittersweet. And then sort of whirly and twirly, but that was after I got out of my last final and hit the bars.
The editors cue up a montage of Aaron partying with all the girls he's loved before, as Dom comments that he and Aaron have kept each other sane. He then tells the audience that he's writing a story about his experience on The Real World for Daily Variety. Glenn's contribution to this portion of the episode? The revelation that Dom "likes to party." You don't say?
Aaron and Dom and Glenn sit on the roof of the beach house and kibitz, as country music twangs on the soundtrack. They each pitch back a couple of beers and toast to their friendship.
Back in the house, everyone talks about how much they're going to miss each other. In the confessional, Jon sighs that he'll never forget his trip across the country with Tami and Dom, and how much it meant to him that they met his family and saw his homestead...er, "house."
Tami admits that she had "the wrong idea" about Jon when they picked him up at the ranch. "He's not a racist," she laughs. "He's just a cool guy and he supported me in a lot of issues." She smiles. God knows, Tami had a lot of issues.
In the poolroom, Dom and Jon have a mock argument about Dom's opinion of Jon's singing, what he calls Jon's "nasal twang." Jon hits Dom with a pillow. "I love you, Jon," Dom screams.
Aaron goes running along the beach and voice-overs various profundities about how weird it is to be graduating from school entirely, and moving on to a completely different realm of his life. It's a huge transition, he says, and it's frightening. True, that.
Everyone tags along to Aaron's graduation. I don't know how he got all of his roommates and his family in; tickets for UCLA's graduation ceremonies are basically impossible to get. The school gives you four, and you can apply for more, but it's this whole big thing, and there's really no way he could have gotten, like, nine tickets without a little intervention from someone. Anyway. He graduates. You know the drill, "Pomp and Circumstance" and all that. Aaron must be a good student; he's graduating with honors. Blah blah, in a matter of moments, Aaron is a college graduate. He voice-overs that "it was an emotional day," and that he felt especially weepy when he saw how happy and proud his parents were.
Back at the house, everyone celebrates with cake and applause. Aaron muses that he feels like he's "graduating from everything." Dom says that "everyone has preconceived notions" of other people, but living in the Real World house totally wipes all of that out of your mind.
Beth sits in the windowsill and chirps that they all learned "the art of communication," although their say in the house "started on a bad note." This cues up a montage of David Moments, including the Great Styrofoam Packing Material War of 1993, and, of course, the entire It Wasn't Not Funny Incident.
Tami says she came into the house wanting to learn how other people view her, and now that she's done so, she thinks she's really changed for the better. Elton John starts to wail in the background. Glenn tells us that he's learned to live with people who are different than he is. If by "live with" he means "insult and demean," then I guess that's true. Jon says that they're all just trying to learn what they want to learn out of life, and in the course of doing that, they've learned to respect and cooperate with others. Yeah, that's touching. Whatever. Will this episode never end? All this hugging and learning is so exhausting.
Finally, all of them pile into the confessional, except Banthony who, for some reason, isn't there. They stare into the camera and try to figure out something meaningful to say. Aaron says he'll go first, but he can't think of anything. No one can come up with anything sincere in the least. Eventually, someone asks, "Who farted?" Aaron gets pissed because of his roommates' inability to be serious and he stomps out in a huff. Dom gives chase and everyone else bursts out laughing. "It's over. That's how we went out," Tami tells the camera.
Finally, everyone is all packed up and getting the hell out of Dodge. Tami starts to sniffle and tells them that she cares about them all and she knows they'll succeed in everything they do and she loves them, and, and, and, sniff! People hug and snuffle and pat each other on the ass. Beth Jessica Wakefields that she feels as though she's in a dream, and that one day she'll wake up, and it'll be as though none of this ever, ever happened. And then she gets in a motorcycle accident and wakes up from her coma thinking she's Banthony and she doesn't come out of that until she hits her head on a coffee table right before she sleeps with a woman. Banthony and Glenn hug. Everyone hugs. And Dom says that he thinks some people are going to have a hard time letting go of this experience. Jon says that he doesn't know what to say. "It was great. And that's all," he snuffles. Jon gets in the car with Dom, and they go to the airport, where Jon boards a plane and flies back to obscurity.
We close out with a montage of moments from the past season: Irene crying about the infamous David rape incident; Dom visiting his parents in Ireland; Beth plastering copies of Aaron's "Men of Westwood" calendar around the house; Jon's hideous outfits and his hilarious brush with near-porn; Banthony coming out of the closet to her roommates; and Irene's nuptials. The last shot of the season is the inside of the empty beach house. As we pan over unfurnished rooms, the phone rings. But, of course, no one is home. How very poignant. I feel as though I might cry. Okay, that feeling is gone. And, we're out! Thanks for coming along for the ride, y'all! If you miss me, I'll be hanging around Dawson's Creek and The X-Files this fall. See you there!