Danny and Mel return to their first-day meeting place and reveal that they're going to get an apartment together in Boston after the show. They tell each other they love each other. Aw...vomit! The kids all pack and foreshadowingly discuss their past quarrels. They dance at the bar one last time, and the girls touch each other's boobs. Wren then gets mad at Wes for having told his roommates that Wes and Wren had fucked. Wes returns to the house drunk and yells at Rachel for leaking the info to Wren. Rachel yells back at Wes. Danny instigates. Johanna tries to calm Wes down. As things escalate, Lacey gives the play-by-play to Ryan on the phone upstairs. Ha. Neh then gets into it, too, and there's a gap, but suddenly both Wes and Neh are yelling at Rachel, who is being held back on the couch by Danny. The Family Stone trailer looks stupid. Rachel and Mel cry outside as Danny tries to calm down the boys. We learn, as Rachel calls that boyfriend she hates and recounts the events that the cameramen missed (again), that Neh made fun of her Iraq War service, and that's when she went off and started clawing at Neh. Now Mel cries on Danny's broken head because of the drama. Ooh, week's reunion show looks tasty. More packing. Rachel looks forward to never living with Neh or Wes again. "Good riddance," says Wes as Rachel leaves. Neh is going to stay in Austin...because of his upcoming court date. Heh. Ryan rolls in to surprise Lacey. Johanna cries. Wes leaves. Johanna leaves, "a 100% sad." Mel and Danny make out in the shower. They leave together and babble schmoopily. Mel cries at the airport. Danny spouts crap to us about learning to need people, and then he leaves, and suddenly Austin's average IQ goes up a few points.
I've never actually recapped junior high school. Let's see how it goes.
Austin. River. Freeway. Mt. Bonnell. Mel takes Danny up the famed lookout, telling him the legend that if you walk up there once, you'll fall in love. If you walk up twice, you'll be engaged. And if you walk up three times...you'll get brain damage from an ass-whooping outside of a shitty bar and then you'll get roped into a relationship with an insecure slutty blonde in need of a more supportive bra. What a sweet legend, right? In more important news: Danny has a new hat! It's like a one-dollar hat you buy at a county fair, plastic and blank (like Mel!), but at least it's not made of felt. (Mel likes to be felt.) Mel camera-skanks that she's taking Danny there because it's where they met on the first day, and she thinks it'll be romantical and bring up nice memories. Not for someone who no longer has memories. Or half of his medulla oblongata. She takes Danny's photo and laughs, for some reason. Because she stole his soul. We get a flashback of Danny walking up to Mel on that first day. Danny then tells us that, when he first met her, he was blown away and his knees buckled. Not the last time he'd be blown, or that she'd make his knees buckle, on this trip. Danny camera-skulls that, four months later, he still feels the same way. He and Mel eat food and shmoop, as he tells us that Mel is going to come to Boston for Danny's birthday in a few days and then they're going to get an apartment together. Ohmygodyouguys! Squeeeeeeeeeee! Danny whispers that he loves her. Mel says she loves him too. Won't last. (Wow. That's very cynical. Sorry. They'll last forever!)
Austin. Trees. Mansions. Warehouse. The kids are packing. Johanna whines to Rachel that she doesn't want to move out. Neh tell us he's not sad, and likes moving on to the chapter in his life. As opposed to the chapter in books. Which I've never seen him read. That goes for everyone, in fact, except Mel. Who is not whom you'd expect to be reading. The kids are going out to dinner that night as a "family." Wes starts reminiscing with Rachel and Johanna about the first night: Johanna made out with Danny, and Wes almost got into a fight defending his "hermana" -- which they decide is important to tell us means "sister." ["I have no idea what they're talking about, since it's not in the season premiere recap." -- Wing Chun] Johanna says that, tonight, they can make it all better. Rachel makes a joke, but I don't get it. Way over my head. Operating on a whole other complex comedy level. Judy Tenuta level.
Night. Bar. Uh, this isn't "dinner," people. Dancing. Drinking. Johanna dances on a bar. Danny drinks. The girls dance on an empty dance floor, as Mel camera-talks that she just wants to go out and have a fun roommate night and leave the house on good terms with everyone as friends. And with that, The Bar-Back of Foreshadowing pours more contaminated ice into the hopper.
Rachel, Johanna, and Mel pose on the bar for a photo. Rachel grabs Mel's breast. Hard to believe she can reach that low.
Neh talks to the sharp face, Raptor teeth, pointy snout, and squeaky voice that is...well, mice, but also, in this case, Wren. Wren is bitching about Wes, saying he's "this small" and that he's "nothing." Wes camera-talks that he's dancing with a bunch of girls and suddenly Wren comes over and hits him. No surprise, the on-point camera crew whose job it is to document the few-and-far-between juicy parts of these losers' lives, totally miss it. Now we see Wes yelling, wondering what Wren's problem is, and she's repeating her clearly-rehearsed speech about how he's "nothing." Wes tells us he probably did something wrong. Stunning powers of deduction, House. Wren bitches about Wes's roommates telling her that the two of them fucked when they didn't -- and now Wes spins it to us, leaving out the part about him supposedly overstating their level of sexual involvement (clumsy handjob, intercourse; really, what's the diff?!), focusing instead on the part about his telling his roommates in confidence and his losing a lot of "respect" for whoever "leaked it." I think Wes "leaked it" the other night. (Gross. Sorry.)
Outside. Wes walks, on a mission, telling us he thinks it was Johanna or Rachel. Wes stumbles home with Danny, slurring about calling out all the girls as soon as they get home. Danny camera-talks about how Wes is "hurt," and Danny has a feeling that something bad is about to happen. Oh, good. Finally.
Wes stumbles inside. "Where is she?" he asks. In the bathroom, Danny takes photos as Wes asks Johanna if she talked to Wren tonight. Johanna has "I (heart) Rachel" written on her upper chest in eyeliner. (And: No, she doesn't.) Johanna, also drunk -- shocker -- babbles about Wren. Rachel comes in and says, gleefully, that Wren hates Wes. Rachel is eating a wiener. Rachel blows Wes off, telling him he's acting like he has PMS. Mel jumps in, adding that he's taking her Midol. Danny, with his dumb beehive knit cap, reaches out a hand and shakes his head for Mel to stop. Hee. Mel literally bounces away. Alone now, Danny tells Wes that it's "obviously Rachel." Instigator. Wes says he's going to kill her.
Wes then walks into the kitchen, where they're all grubbing, and tells Rachel to tell him the truth. Rachel camera-flabs that Wes can be an aggressive drunk. Wes is bitching that he got slapped, and Rachel reveals that Wren said she hated Wes, and that Rachel responded, "Cuz he told me you had sex with him." Rachel drunkenly goes on to say that she thinks it's poetic justice if Wes got slapped. I'm wondering why Rachel is being so bitchy, and then I understand: Rachel says that Wes slapped her, and then he got slapped by Wren. "Big fucking deal," Rachel adds. "Deal with it." Wes denies slapping Rachel, and she makes another snotty comment that he totally deserves. But then Wes camera-talks that Rachel did something wrong and needs to learn. Yeah, she needs to learn never to sign up to be on reality shows. That's her biggest mistake. Well, and also the whole Army thing. Rachel now yells that Wes is wasted and that he's being a "bitch." Then she yells, "Wren's a nice girl, so fuck off, bitch!" Now Wes starts yelling about having told her off-camera that he fucked Wren, but suddenly she brought it "on camera" -- and then he calls Rachel a bleeped name that causes the just-laughing Danny to jump out of his seat in shock and Johanna to pull Wes away. Now Danny is holding Rachel back and Johanna is holding Wes back and they're both yelling.
And suddenly we cut to the phone room, where Lacey is on the phone to Ryan. Ha. She starts looking through the fish tank, narrating the escalating fight to her rolly boyfriend. Wes is seriously out of control, and suddenly Neh is holding Wes back and trying to understand the situation. And then Rachel camera-fats that Neh is drunk and aggressive and decides to get in the middle of the fight. And we're back in the phone room with its permanent resident, Lacey. And suddenly we can see one of the figures attack another one through the fish tank (Rachel attacking Neh, it seems), and Lacey camera-talks that when she heard Rachel yelling at Neh to hit her, she knew it was "about to go down." Ooh, Lacey. With the hip talk. Go girl. Maybe you can now lose your granny sweaters and 1940s make up. (Yeah, right.)
Well, the cameramen missed it again (or, more, likely they don't want to show it for legal reasons), because suddenly the camera is running into the main room and Rachel is crying on the couch and Danny is holding her down and Rachel is yelling at Wes to "fight" her and Mel is trying to hold Neh back and he yanks her arm really hard and she either smiles or grimaces, and they're both putting their arms behind their backs really dorkily and looming over the writhing Rachel and Neh is taunting her to put her hands on him. Man, usually when I ask a girl to put her hands on me, I ask nicer. Maybe that's my problem. And Neh goes nuts and gets right in Rachel's face and calls her a bitch a lot and tells her that he'll kill her. Wow. And commercials.
So Mel is shrieking for Neh to stop, and Neh and Wes continue their rabid-dog act and finally Danny jumps in and Wes walks off, acting mad and swinging one of the hanging chairs so hard he looks back to make sure it's not going to hit someone before continuing to act pouty and wounded. Mel picks up Rachel and she's howling and sort of acting like a puppy who's been reprimanded with a nip from an older dog. Danny is reminding Neh that Rachel is a girl, but Neh doesn't care, yelling at her again and strutting around. Way to act like a "man" dipshit. Danny camera-talks that he didn't want to let a girl get hurt. Well done, idiot. You jumped in after everything happened. Wicked smaht, dood.
Outside, Mel has the howling Rachel in her lap; Mel is crying, too. Oh, please. Mel camera-talks that two guys should not gang up on a girl like that, regardless of who is wrong or right. Now Rachel walks down the street alone, crying.
Inside, Danny is trying to calm down Wes and Neh, and Wes is just acting for the boys he loves so much, screaming that he "hates" Rachel and then throwing a glass and walking into the other room. Hates her for what? Ruining his lame game with Wren? Permatool.
Sigh. Back outside. Rachel says that there is no way she's going back into that house. Johanna pulls her away and gives Rachel some tough love: she tells Rachel that she's not that drunk, so she'd better pull herself together and stop acting like an idiot. Golf clap for Johanna. More talking on their part. Less caring on mine.
Inside. Rachel weeps her way back into the house. Lacey is there! Hi, Lacey.
Phone room. Rachel talks to Erik, the boyfriend she wants nothing to do with sexually. She tells him about the drama, saying that when Neh jumped in, she told him that at least she didn't go to jail. And then he said, "At least I didn't go to Iraq and claim I did stuff when I really didn't do anything at all." Hee. He said that? Cold. Funny, but cold. Rachel reveals that she then freaked out on Neh and started to try to "claw" at him and stuff. Now she says that she saw people die in Iraq, but that she tried to help them, and she asks Erik for confirmation that she indeed "tried." Erik says that she was a "good nurse." Ooh, I get the feeling Rachel has some secrets from the war. She bitches on that she came on the show to show you could be a young war vet and still have fun. Sure. Unrepresented niche, I guess. She tells Erik to mark her words: she's never going to speak to Neh again. Now get off the phone! Lacey hasn't talked to Ryan for twenty minutes! God. So selfish.
Night. Warehouse. Mel cries in bed to Danny. They don't know why that happened and Mel feels like she's in a nuthouse. Danny is grateful because he wouldn't have been able to get through a lot of the season if it weren't for Mel...and her daily blowjobs. While we see shots of the drunk boys sleeping, Danny reminds Mel that this is almost over. Oh, you don't have to remind me, homeslice. Commercials, in which we learn there'll be a reunion week. If, as Neh says, Danny really does think he's a big star now, wouldn't he have bought at new hat? Because, you know, apparently not.
Day. Packing. Lacey drags a giant suitcase, surely talking shit about it to her garment bag. An empty closet. Kitchen. Five roommates (they're, minus Wes and Neh) sit around not talking. Danny camera-brows that it's the last day, and that there is so much tension in the house, which "sucks." Neh rubs his face. Danny and Mel look through the fridge. Rachel camera-blubs that she's looking forward to never associating with people like Neh and Wes again in her life. Or, you know, until the reunion show. Lacey camera-talks that Rachel isn't talking to Wes or Neh and they couldn't care less.
Rachel's cab comes. She tells us she's not going to say goodbye to either of the two boys; they don't look at her, so clearly, they don't care, either. Danny hugs her. Neh and Wes are now milling about, certainly nursing wicked hangovers. Wes camera-ghouls that Rachel "defied" their friendship last night, and that he can't forgive her; he goes on -- safe in his ludicrous justification because he has his macho lover Neh to him, boxing out any regret like a short, less E.T.-looking Sam Cassell -- to say that Rachel made a mistake, he called her out on it and made her feel bad, and it was fair. "Good riddance," Wes says over the kitchen table to Neh, their eyes just starting to show hints of the looming twin Technicolor tragedy-scopes that their post-Real World lives will no doubt be.
Meanwhile, outside, Rachel hugs the others. (But not The Others. That's dangerous.) She babbles to us about missing Erik and that terrible, hideous little cock rag of a dog they have. She hysterically says that this whole experience has made her miss the wimpy, sexual non-entity boyfriend that she publicly humiliated and spectacularly rejected just a handful of episodes ago. Pity that their relationship does end up working, and she'll remain poor Rachel, forever trapped in a sexless relationship, their drippy-eyed kinda-poodle serving as pawn in an endless game of Who Can Pour More Of What They Don't Feel Like Giving The Other Into The Dog?, bound together by nothing more than the unexamined, unspoken thing that happened to them out on the battlefield, or rather, didn't. Seriously, what horrible memory of combat inaction drives Rachel to these fits of shrieking hysteria whenever someone brings up the war? One imagines her cowering under Erik's flabby arms while someone bleeds out twenty feet from her, the nurse bag trembling, unused in her arms. Or more likely, it was simply a year of fetid boredom which she regretfully tried to alleviate by sleeping with her gunner partner when they ran out of showtunes to sing. And for a final goodbye, the music department of B/M continues their decades-long streak of subtlety, playing a song over Rachel's cab driving off -- axles strained to capacity -- containing lyrics such as "It's time to move on." Indeed. Indeed.
Another cab. Neh makes a snotty, faux-ironic comment about how it was nice to meet them all and that they'll probably never see him again. "Because you'll be in jail," says his lover. Neh tells us he's staying in Austin to appear in court because of beating down the wiener man. At the cab, Neh tells Wes that he never thought he'd like a white guy as much as he likes Wes. And to his credit, it's not like he just befriended a sorta white guy. He went for the whitest of the white. Danny laughs. Wes says he's proud to be Neh's friend, and adds something about strength and loyalty. Neh offers us sage advice, telling us that if we're ever on The Real World, that we should not think we'll end up the same afterward, because the experience will change us, for both good and bad, as it has him. Thanks, Neh! Neh's cab drives off, rocketing Neh straight to the top of the indie film world -- a feat to be achieved, coincidentally, on the same day a seven-hundred pound pot-bellied sow in Gormanville, Iowa sprouts wings and flies.
Wes answers the door to see...no one? He looks down. Oh, it's Ryan, Lacey's wheelchair-bound boyfriend. Lacey is shocked. She kisses him and tells us that it's great to know she has a boyfriend who is willing to follow her anywhere. Well, unless there are stairs. She sits in his lap, and they hug, and she talks on about being supportive. Meanwhile, Wes and Danny joke about Ryan making them look bad on the boyfriend scale. Ryan says that they did it to themselves, telling the truth under the guise of a joke.
Outside. Johanna cries. Lacey tells us how much she'll miss Johanna, and that she considers her the one friend she made here. They were close? Really? We sure missed that. Johanna cries some more, feeling guilty that she didn't pan out to be the sluttish alcoholic train wreck she promised to become in the beginning. Bitch. Lacey and Ryan roll away into a very content, bitchy, happily-sexless life, where they will soon continue the process of morphing into the same person, only one can walk and the other wears too much lipstick. But by that point, it'll be hard to tell which is which.
Four left. Lord.
Inside. Johanna and Wes cuddle. America vomits. Wes tells us that he and Johanna have been getting close lately. As his cab appears, he tells us he's leaving with a "crush." Outside. Hugging Wes. Johanna talks about Wes as her "buddy," adding that they had a lot of fun. Wes breaks it down for us, camera-ghosting for the last time that he's no longer part of a group called "Seven Strangers." But rather he's now part of a group called -- are you ready? -- "Seven People That Have Gone Through Something That No One Else Has." There's the title your book, Wes! And also: "No One," unless you count the over a hundred other past cast members. Wes makes a pasty schmoo face, and the cab pulls away, taking with it so much Hate! that it has to be a record. It's so sad that Wes dies when he's twenty-four. Oh, what? You didn't know that? Sorry to ruin the ending for you. But yeah, he does. And, like the boy himself, it ain't pretty.
Danny cuddles on the couch with Mel on one side of him and Johanna on the other. Okay, finally an episode I'd like to see! But alas, Johanna's cab arrives. Johanna tells us she's very sad, and she and Mel joke and hug and talk about something but neither I nor the captioners can catch it. Nor do any of us care to try. Johanna camera-cries about missing her roommates. Her cab rolls off. I just hope that, whatever show she's on , she works a little harder on that whole drunk whore thing. Because seriously: disappointment.
Mel and Danny are left alone...to have a final fuck in every room. She's not ready to say goodbye. They walk around talking about missing various roommates. We get a flashback of them all in the hot tub. Mel and Danny look at their bed, needlessly making a sex reference, telling us that's where they spent all their time. Flashbacks of them cuddling. More walking around. Bathroom. They get into the shower for old time's sake and kiss. Flashback of them kissing in the shower. Gross. Twice.
Cab. Mel camera-talks about Danny. Love. Soulmate. Danny says bye to Big Tex. Their cab is a convertible. Eh. Cab. Mel says she was attracted to Danny right away: "And now you're my boyfriend...And I'm going to move to Boston to be with you." When you write dialogue in a script where characters give exposition under the guise of conversation, it's considered cheap and cheesy. Why is Mel allowed to do it, then? Danny camera-babbles about them being put here for a reason -- to meet each other.
Airport. Sitting. Mel cries. Danny camera-talks, giving a message to Mel. He loves her. She's been there for him. She cries. Danny takes his thumbs...and gouges out her eyeballs! Horrible! They hug. More Mel-snot on Danny's t-shirt. Dumb song. They kiss. Danny continues. Mel's his angel. He loves her. He's not going to say goodbye. He will see her soon. He stops talking and stares at the camera. Frankenhead. Giant eyebrows. Broken face. Mel heads into the gate. They love each other, they say once again. Danny. Dumb hat. No tears. Terrible song. He walks away and camera-talks about coming to Austin thinking he was strong and could get through shit alone, but then he went through hard stuff and realized that you need to lean on people and people want to help and you need to trust them and let them in. And Danny gets onto his plane, days away from beginning the super-fun slow realization that his relationship with Mel isn't nearly as sexy and cool and fun when there are no cameras on them. The fast disintegration of Danny and Mel's relationship: now that's a reality show I'd watch.