A shot of Attention Deficit Manor from the outside and the sound of a phone ringing. It's Paul, Jacinda's boyfriend, the most pussy-whipped male ever. Jacinda takes the call wearing a tan ankle-length skirt, a t-shirt, and a scarlet waistcoat. Even I have to admit she looks adorable in a casual, comfortable kind of way. She explains in a voice-over that she's been with Paul five months, while she tells Paul over the phone to stop being so glum. "I love you many, many big times," says Paul -- whose first language is, in fact, English, contrary to what you might think based on the construction of that last remark. He's just being cute and submissive. Jacinda goes on to explain in a voice-over that she's been busy adapting to her situation in London, but Paul -- who has never visited -- isn't part of that. In the living room, Mike (who is unfortunately "part of that") asks Jacinda when Paul's going to visit her. Jacinda says she doesn't know -- but in a really bored tone, as though Mike just asked her what kind of twine she used to bundle up the newspaper for recycling. Jacinda may possess many irritating qualities, but codependence is not one of them. She is hardly a woman who "loves too much."
Oh, and Jacinda's taking flying lessons. We see her flying in a two-person plane with an instructor. Whatever. She explains that she's always loved airplanes, and that she loves being "up there." "It's one of the one hundred things I've meant to do, and now I get to do it," she says. Now that your modeling career has hit the skids, right?
Back at the house, the phone rings. It's Paul, and he's planning a visit. Jacinda might as well be talking to a telemarketer, she is so unenthusiastic about seeing her boyfriend. She even explains in an interview that she told Paul she's not sure how she'll feel when he gets there. "I love you," Paul tells Jacinda on the phone. Jacinda is all, "No! you tell me that every time!" And I know how she feels. Photogenic twenty-year-old men with perfect teeth tell me that constantly, and it's really starting to grate on my nerves.
Mike, always the sensitive one, asks Jacinda whether Paul is "the man, or just the dude [she's] nailing now." Well obviously, Mike, Jacinda isn't "nailing" Paul now because he's in France and I doubt his penis is long enough to cross the English Channel and penetrate her. I mean, if it were, I think she'd be a little more excited to hear from him. Jacinda says she doesn't know, and asks Mike about his love life. I guess she's got a few spare seconds before her flight lesson. Mike admits that he was in love once, but "she was a bitch like they all are." Mike, I know that the breakup was painful, but I'm sure your right hand meant well and tried very hard to make things work, okay? Oh, wait -- he's talking about a biological woman, and apparently he walked in on her with one of his good friends. Michael had friends back in the States? Jacinda keeps asking about this girl, and learns that Mike was with her nine months. I guess that's how long it took for her to figure out that there was some bad-haired freak to whom she said "hi" once breaking into her dorm room and stealing her underwear. "Now I like to go out and have a good time and whatever happens happens," says Mike. I guess by "happens," Mike is referring to the she-males he hits on or the girls that kick him in the balls when he says "hello" to them.
Then they show Mike hanging out with Lars. "I've been majorly hanging out with Mike," says Lars in an interview. "Which surprises me," he adds. What surprises me is that even Lars can lay his hands on enough drugs to dull the pain of having to spend more than a half an hour with Mike. "I like going to the clubs with Lars," says Mike. "Because we think very alike [sic] when we go out." We then see Lars and Mike discussing hot chicks while waiting for the Metro to take them to one of these clubs. Yes, that is sweet; I understand it's very hard for heterosexual men to find other heterosexual men with whom to discuss hot chicks. I hear that guys are pretty shy about that sort of thing, and I'm glad that Bunim-Murray is presenting us with such a great example of progressive social interaction. In an interview, Lars says that Mike goes out to pick up girls: "That's his thing." On the Metro, Mike tells Lars that he wants to go home with someone and never talk to her again. Yeah, Mike. Because when you never talk to a girl again, that's your decision. Whatever. Lars laughs at this crazy talk about girls and openly dreads having to introduce Mike to his mother. In an interview, Mike confesses to being a "wuss" when it comes to talking to girls. Um, Mike, that's not being a wuss. That's being realistic about your non-existent sexual prospects. He likes to club with Lars, he explains, because Lars has the confidence to approach girls and then introduce them to Mike. Can you imagine what a letdown it must be for a girl to get approached by Lars and then introduced to Mike? Talk about a bait and switch!
One night they go to a "singles dinner." Okay, um, since when does anyone under thirty go to something advertised as a "singles dinner"? I mean, isn't it understood that any non-gay dance club you go to is going to be an opportunity to meet members of the opposite sex? I mean, it's not like Mike is having problems meeting unmarried women or anything. Or is that what every woman says when she meets Mike -- if she's not claiming to be a lesbian instead? So anyway, the premise of this dinner is that there are phones on the tables (à la Cabaret), and if you see someone you're interested in, you can call him or her. Actually, that sounds sort of cool. I'm surprised there's nothing like that here in NYC. Unsurprisingly, Lars is getting a lot of calls and Mike isn't. Eventually some girl does call Mike. Oddly enough, she's not retarded and has all her limbs and everything. Turns out that her brother races cars, so they talk about that. It also turns out that she has a boyfriend. How convenient! This girl is my hero. She hits on Mike to get her face on television, but she doesn't have to touch him or anything. Rock on! Mike tries to save face by claiming that it would have worked out if the girl's friends weren't around. Yeah, I've heard it is, in fact, easier to date rape someone if she's alone. "Ah, Lars," says Mike, trying desperately to save face. "We know how to have a good time." Lars doesn't say anything but is probably thinking, "What do you mean 'we'?"
B-roll of a DC-10 landing on a runway. No, Jacinda has not whipped through her flight lessons already and become a commercial pilot -- it's her boyfriend Paul, arriving from Paris. She meets him at the airport and whines to his face that she's used to being alone these days and doesn't know how she feels about having him around. Oh dear. She brings him back to the house and introduces him to everyone. "This is Neil," says Jacinda, introducing Paul. "He can't talk." Hee!
The housemates remark upon how different Paul is from Jacinda. "He's got a sweet streak," says Kat in an interview. "Sweet"? Okay, there's "sweet," and then there's "doormat." Mike complains that Paul doesn't talk. Maybe he doesn't talk to you, Mike, but that's not really a character flaw in my book. Jacinda points out that Paul is younger than she is, and comments on how weird that is. Yes, Jacinda -- it probably is strange not dating that fifty-year-old Japanese businessman who paid for your nose job anymore. Mike scornfully observes that Jacinda seems "in control of that relationship" -- a concept unfamiliar to Mike, who keeps his women in line with a Rohypnol and self-pity. Paul and Jacinda walk around London hand-in-hand. She bosses him around while "Strong Enough" by Sheryl Crow plays. 'Cause you know Sheryl Crow is such a paragon of female strength, sharing Kid Rock with Pamela Anderson and all. "You're so bad," says Paul. "That's why I like you." Aw! They check into a hotel together, for some reason. I mean, if they need to get out of the house to get some privacy, why are there cameras in their hotel room, too? They get into bed with their clothes on. Yes, that's right -- a bona fide boyfriend comes to visit, and still no one in the house gets laid.
The morning, Jacinda and Paul go out and buy a dog at a local pet store. The pet-store salesperson -- thankfully unmoved by the fleet of camera people following Jacinda and her photogenic boyfriend around -- asks Jacinda the usual responsible questions about her living situation and whether she's up to caring for a dog. Jacinda replies that she shares a house with "six young single people," evidently forgetting that Jay, Neil, and Sharon have significant others. ["Sharon has a boyfriend? Or girlfriend? I missed that." -- Wing Chun] Jacinda also assumes that all of her housemates are "dying to have a dog." Are they? We then see Lars in an interview, saying that he doesn't want Jacinda to buy a dog. Back at the pet store, Jacinda explains to the pet-store lady that she wants a dog who is "naughty but full of character." Dude, can I just say that as the owner of two dogs, there is nothing "full of character" about stepping in dog poo in your bare feet first thing in the morning?
But then the cutest thing happens. Jacinda trains the dog to hold the hem of one of her long, flowing skirts in his mouth. She runs around while Legend basically glides along the wood floor. Awww! Lars chimes in with some more to say about Jacinda's lack of dog-owning skills. Finally Jacinda has an interview. She complains the roommates aren't being supportive about her dog. "I don't care," she voice-overs, while we see her bonding with Legend. "I love him." Jacinda, I am begging you to develop a little perspective here. You have a boyfriend who doesn't poop on the floor and a dog who does. Who is it that you love?
B-Roll of London at night. Sharon, Mike, and Lars go clubbing. Sharon points out that there's a "queue" at the club they want to go to. Mike corrects her and tells her that there is, in fact, a "line" at the club they want to go to. Will someone please shoot him? In the head? Mike then complains that there aren't any American girls around, and declares that he wants to know where he can find some "clean-cut American girls." Lo and behold, Mike runs into a girl named Buffy who looks like someone who'd go to Skidmore -- and even then, her parents probably had to pull some strings with the admissions people and promise to buy a plaque in the student center. Buffy is such a loser. I mean, duh, she's talking to Mike, but she's totally hanging on his every word and laughing at his jokes like she's having an epileptic seizure. Check out the following dialogue. And keep in mind that this is a documentary, not a cheesy TV show where people say shit like this.
Buffy: I can read you like a book already!
Mike: So what's on page, uh, twenty-seven?
Buffy: Page twenty-seven is a guy who used to be shy, who broke out of his shell sometime like sophomore year of high school. Am I right?
Mike slaps his forehead like he's in the presence of a psychic who just guessed his social security number. "She said something that was, like, right out of my past!" says Mike in an interview. Wow, she must be psychic. thing you know, she'll tell him he graduated from high school after his senior year. Then she makes him dance with her, which is so painful to watch. I'd rather be watching Legend's paper-training or lack thereof. But nothing is quite as horrifying as witnessing Buffy teach Mike how to say, "[Bleep] me hard on the stairs" in French. What's French for "kill me now and erase my memory"?
We don't really see how the evening ends, but the day (or something), the phone rings. Sharon answers it and calls out that it's Buffy for Mike. Kat rolls her eyes and is all, "You didn't tell me her name was Buffy." I guess Kat thought her name would be "Jeff" or something. Mike has a shit-eating grin on his face. Even though he's not busy doing anything, Mike makes a point of telling Sharon that he'll be there "in a minute," and keeps sitting on his fat ass with that shit-eating grin on his face like he's settling a score with some popular girl from his high school who wouldn't let him on the cheerleading squad. Finally he gets over to the phone, whereupon we cut to an interview in which he reveals that he's not really interested in Buffy, and since it doesn't bug him that much that he doesn't have anyone, he's not going to hook up with her. He gets off the phone with Buffy pretty quickly. I repeat: Buffy, you are such a loser. What would you have to do to be blown off by Mike?
More Paul and Jacinda and Legend. They walk about London. Jacinda's really bitchy to Paul, and he continues to eat it all up with a spoon. "I'll stop in New York to get our stuff," he says over dinner at a restaurant. "Isn't that cool? 'Get our stuff'? Not just my stuff. Our stuff." Jacinda couldn't be any less thrilled. She explains in an interview that Paul wants to get married, and she's really not into it because she doesn't love him as much as he loves her. Back at the restaurant, Paul invites Jacinda back to the hotel, but Jacinda declines, citing work the day. And we all know Jacinda ain't heeding her inner RuPaul and "working" these days, so obviously Paul is being dissed. Paul gets pissy, and Jacinda asks him if he's having his period. Ouch.
Back at the house, Jacinda is talking to Paul on the phone while Legend chews stuff up at her feet. Paul says he feels like she's dissing him, and Jacinda denies it. She invites him over. He doesn't want to hang out at the house. I can sympathize. She hangs up on him. In an interview, she says that Paul doesn't freak out a lot, but that when he does, it's pretty intense.
Okay, another girl is talking to Mike. Mai, as Mike explains in an interview, is a German girl who was on an exchange program in St. Louis. Can you imagine being European and spending a year in St. Louis? With Mike? Anyway, Mai is quite pretty and seems to have it going on. However, she ends up in bed with Mike. I guess this makes her not as pathetic as Buffy -- who actually got rejected by Mike -- but still. No one in the house can believe that Mike got laid.
Paul finally does come over. Jacinda tells him that she doesn't like it when he freaks out on her. He tells her how hurt he was. They have a big long conversation and resolve that "nothing has changed." They take the dog on a train trip somewhere. We don't learn where.
Mike announces in an interview that Mai is from Germany, "so [they're] just going to have fun." Damn! No deep meaningful relationship? Mike, you heartbreaker! Jay, on the other hand, seems a bit confused. He implies that Mike and Mai didn't really sleep together; as evidence, he cites the fact that right before she went back to Germany, Mike and Mai stayed up all night watching TV with Jay, even though they'll probably never see each other again. And they look really stiff on the couch -- and not in, um, that way. Jay tries to get to the bottom of what happened, and Mike is all evasive. Did she turn out to be a man? ["Again?" -- Wing Chun] In an interview, Mike compares it to a spring break hookup, where you never see the person again. Jay, in an interview of his own, is surprised that Mike could spend the night with someone in his bed without its meaning anything. "I guess that's just a day in the life of Mike Johnson," says Jay, seriously overestimating the amount of nookie that Mike will ever see in his life.
Jacinda and Paul frolic together on the Metro. A voice-over from Jacinda indicates that Paul stayed for two weeks, that everything is cool between them now, and that she'll miss him when he leaves. She escorts his ass to the airport and kisses him goodbye. As Paul gets on his plane and lovingly looks back at Jacinda, she's all "whatever," and stomps off. In an interview, she expresses some doubt about their future, since her life is so chaotic with the traveling and the modeling. When she arrives back at the house, she cuddles with her puppy. Wow, it's a glamour girl with an allegiance to an animal. How Breakfast at Tiffany's.