Kelley is leading what the on-screen text identifies as a "Pre-Production Meeting." Kelley asks for a volunteer to type up "the five questions." In an interview, Danny says that lots of things need to be done between now and their first show. Kelley says she also needs someone to type up a list of the segments they have planned to present to Elton. She finishes lamely, "So who wants to do that? Raise your hand." Crickets chirp. Everyone just looks at the ground. Kelley waits and waits. She does that old teacher trick of waiting until someone gets so uncomfortable that she volunteers for the crappy job, just to end the tension. In this case, Melissa volunteers, saying that she likes "secretarial stuff." In an interview, Kelley says that nobody is taking the initiative to get things done and she feels like she has to tell everyone what to do, as if she's their mother. Kelley goes on to say that it means something to her, because if she does a good job in this, "it will be a good résumé booster." See, the thing Kelley should have realized from the beginning is that she's the only one who cares at all about this whole project, because she thinks it's going to be some sort of stepping-stone. No one else has a personal stake. It's not like on Road Rules, where if everyone participates successfully, they get more money. No one gets any benefit from doing a good job, except the satisfaction of a job well done, and let's just say I don't think that's a motivating factor with this group. Plus, there's the point about no one caring that she did a public-access television show. I guess it's better than having no experience at all, but I would think she would be better off doing an internship at an actual television station. Kelley tells the group that the most important thing to her is that they not screw it up live, on the air. I'm guessing that means that they definitely will do so. In an interview, Kelley says that it's less than forty-eight hours until the show airs. Kelley talks to Danny and Matt in the kitchen, and expresses her theory that they are screwed. She says, "We're screwed." So eloquent, that Kelley. So in command of the English language, she is. Matt tells Kelley and Danny that they are the leaders, so they should lead the rest of them in the right direction. In an interview, Matt is saying...OH MY GOD! What is he wearing? He has on these huge orange-tinted sunglasses and a raccoon coat. After he finishes the interview, is he going to go pick up a flapper in his Mercury Cougar and then see many people he can cram into a phone booth? Twenty-three skiddoo! Anyway, Matt says that Kelley is bothered by having to tell people what to do, but the job of the producer is to tell people what to do. This statement of the obvious was brought to you by "The Society to Bring Back the Roaring Twenties" where Matt is not just the President, but he's also a member. Kelley whines that no one listens to her. Matt says that he will, and that she can make them work. Kelley says she doesn't want to do that because she doesn't have specific tasks for them to do. Then she babbles for like five minutes, but all she really says is that she knows what needs to be accomplished, but she doesn't know the steps to get there, so she can't tell anyone else to do it. So maybe she should sit down with Elton or Danny and figure out what the steps are, and then assign them to people? God, this show is so frustrating.
At NOA-TV, Kelley is being filmed saying that she most admires her parents for their perseverance. In an interview, Matt explains that they are each going to answer five questions that will reveal their personalities. Matt tells the camera that his favorite book is Imitation of Christ by Thomas A Kempis. I have a momentary flashback to my sophomore year of college when I had to read The Confessions of St. Augustine and Imitation of Christ and the writings of Thomas Aquinas, and frankly, I was bored stiff by the whole thing. ["Ditto." -- Wing Chun] Sure, in the history of the world and of philosophy, those writings were all important, but doesn't it seem a little pretentious to claim it's your favorite book? And as a Christian, shouldn't your favorite book be a little thing we like to call "The Bible"? Melissa says that the thing she loves most about New Orleans is Magazine Street. In an interview, Matt says that answering these questions helps the viewers learn about the "correspondents and hosts without telling all." Were they supposed to hide the fact that they were on The Real World while doing this show? That's what Matt's comment says to me. Plus, why do the viewers need to "get to know" the hosts and correspondents? That seems a little egotistical. When I turn on Dateline, I don't hope for a little vignette about Jane Pauley's life. Well, actually, I do because she's married to Garry Trudeau, and he's a personal hero of mine, but you know what I mean. Pretend I said Stone Phillips instead of Jane Pauley. Yeah, that's the ticket. Stone Phillips.
Okay, this is the most horrific part of the season thus far, so prepare yourselves. It all starts out innocuously enough. David comes in to tape his "Five Questions" segment, and sits down with a keyboard in front of him. The keyboard is a little suspicious, but I think maybe he's going to answer one of the questions by saying he enjoys making music and playing a little something. In an interview, David says that he's a "creative-type person" and he "doesn't want to jus sit there and say, 'My name is...' with pictures flashing" and that he "has to make it something." Throughout this interview, we see footage of David making that terrible constipated face he made in the first episode when he was making up a song for Julie, and after the interview is over, we find out that he is SCATTING! I know you think I am kidding, but I'm not. I'm totally serious. He's all Ella Fitzgerald: "Doobah, dweeee! Dwat doo dow!" There's nothing wrong with scatting per se. I mean, my favorite TV theme song, The Tick, is just a bunch of scat, really. It's just that David should not scat, especially if he's going to make those ridiculous faces. Like, this is how he wants to be introduced to the viewers. Then it gets worse. He starts singing! He even tells us in an interview that he started off with a "scat and sing" to introduce his personality. He sings an "original" song, and the lyrics are,
Come on, be my baby tonight.
Come on, be my baby tonight.
I've seen the way you've treated other thugs you've been with.
Come on, be my baby tonight.
Yeah, it's original, in the sense that it's a rip-off of "Luck, Be A Lady" from Guys and Dolls. It's exactly the same tune, except in a minor key, and the words are practically the same. Does he really think this is an original song? I keep waiting for someone to say, "Um, is this like when Puffy did that Police song about Biggie? And everyone knew it was the same song, but it was a little bit different?" God, that was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen, and I've seen every season of this show, every damn episode.
Matt is working with some wood and some saws, and I hope that he's building a giant stepladder for David to climb up and get over himself. In an interview, Matt says, "You're the bee's knees." Okay, he really doesn't say that, but he's wearing that crazy raccoon coat again, and that's what he probably should have said. Instead, he said that he and Lionel built the sets for the show, and that Lionel works for NOA-TV. They took Matt's design and "made it happen." We see some shots of Matt and Lionel using saws and sanders and stuff like that. Luckily, Matt doesn't have to wear safety goggles because of his freakishly oversized sunglasses. Elton takes a look at the finished sets and asks how they plan to break them down quickly once their show is over so that the show can get set up. Matt says, "Um...um..." and then explains that he's "not experienced in set design," so he was "not aware of that factor" and didn't design for it, so "it is a problem." In other words, "Oops!" Elton says that he wants the entire set to be made of foamcore so that one person can carry the whole thing around easily. In an interview, Matt says, "You're the cat's pajamas." No, he really says that Elton wants foamcore, even if it means that Matt has to spend forty more hours building a new set. Wouldn't Lionel, who works for NOA-TV and is a professional carpenter, have known about the foamcore issue?
Danny and Kelley leave the control booth, napkin-wrapped sodas in hand, to confront David on the scatting issue. Kelley says that David needs to go into the studio, sit down, and answer the five questions. But then she blows it by adding, "Do you mind doing that?" No! Don't give him a choice! Tell him either he does it or he's out. Ugh. David says he's "going to have to flow it" and that Kelley told him to pick five questions. I don't even know what "flow it" means. I suspect David doesn't either. Kelley asks him what questions he answered because she didn't hear any answers in his tape. Unless the question was, "Can you make the most embarrassing faces possible while scatting and singing a rip-off of a song from Guys and Dolls?" David says that she doesn't understand how he answered the questions because it's "a whole different perspective, a whole different flow." Someone needs to ban the word "flow" from David's vocabulary. Kelley says that if she was watching the show, she wouldn't understand. David says that's just her, and that she comes from a different perspective, and that "people that can understand flow" will get it. Danny just stands there. Way to back up your friend, Danny! Kelley says that everyone else sat in a chair with a mike. David agress that that's what everyone else did, implying that he wants to be different. Danny finally speaks up to tell him that's the format. Kelley says they have to work together. Up until now, Kelley has been doing pretty well, but then she makes a tactical error by accusing David of being "difficult just to be difficult." David gets all defensive and says that he's not. Kelley tells him to go in and answer the questions.
In an interview, David says, "Ain't nobody gonna back me down. You can stand up to me, you can say your views and everything, but when it comes down to it, I'm gonna get my way." I seriously wish this season could have a follow-up episode where we get to see these people in their first real jobs, and they try to pull this shit, and their asses get canned. We'll see how David "flows" then. Kelley is getting emotional and says that she wanted everyone to pick some questions and then she would "break it down," and that if David had listened, he would have heard that. David asks, "Where is the break down at?" Kelley gets frustrated and tells David to "screw the whole thing" and starts to walk away. David says, "Yeah, roll it. That's how it's going to be." Everyone walks away, and nothing was resolved. Have I mentioned lately that I hate David? Because I do.
Then there is a commercial break and my recapping activities are halted because I start watching an episode of Sex & the City. You see, Carrie was...oh, forget it. I guess I have to continue recapping this show instead, because unlike David and some of the others, I have a work ethic.
Back at NOA-TV studios, the group is having a "rehearsal." Julie and Jamie are working the cameras. Elton tells them to treat the rehearsal as if it were the real thing. In an interview, Julie says that they do some dry runs, and it doesn't go very well. You'd think that would mean we could skip the few minutes of footage, but we have to watch. The stage manager (or whatever they call the stage manager in the television world ["I think that is what they call them!" -- Wing Chun]) counts down and Kelley starts out with, "Hi, welcome to The Real Seven on Seventy-Seven." Then, clearly, someone else was supposed to pick up the cue, but didn't, so we see a shot of Matt, then Melissa, then Elton, then Kelley, and then Jamie. Jamie is wearing sunglasses, which doesn't seem ideal while working a camera. No one talks. In an interview, David says that the "dry runs are pathetic." Julie starts giving some instructions into her headset, but Kelley says that it's "not what they have on here," gesturing to a piece of paper sitting in front of her. Karrie, who is identified as one of the NOA-TV staff members, says that she didn't know what they were doing. In an interview, David says tht they have a blueprint of what's happening, then he says, "Whoo whoo" again, then tells us that Danny didn't have the blueprint in the control room. Danny tells someone in the control room that they have a list of things written down, but he doesn't have it in front of him. Does the station own a copy machine? How hard would it be for someone to run and make a copy? In an interview, David says that Danny is changing the whole thing and Kelley is getting pissed. We see Kelley getting pissed because she says sarcastically, "Thank you, Danny." (She really didn't look that pissed.) In an interview, Kelley says that the show was all coming out of her ass. Well, that's a visual that I really didn't need. Kelley tells everyone in the studio that she will guide them through the topics, because she thinks she knows what the three top ones are. In an interview, Julie says that people don't know what they're talking about, which, to her, is a bad sign.
The rehearsal must be over because everyone is back in the conference room. Elton tells them that it looked "like chaos" and like they didn't know where they were going. Melissa says she's concerned because she feels like she has no direction when she's sitting there, and she doesn't know which camera to look at, or which tape is going to run, and that decisions get changed right on the set. Elton asks who the producer is, and I thought he already knew that, so maybe it was a rhetorical question. Kelley raises her pinky, because I guess she thinks it might be a rhetorical question too, and doesn't want to go the whole nine by raising her hand. Elton says that if Kelley hasn't made a change, then it hasn't been made. He gives them a whole lecture about being organized and having a format, and we see black and white shots of each of them doing various jobs. There's a dramatic bass line as Elton concludes that they will "live and die" by their format so they need to get it together really quickly. Each of the roommates in turn looks forlorn. Matt asks Elton if they can end on a good note because "some of...all of us have been working hard" (nice catch, Matty) and they need some praise or they will walk home angry. Elton laughs and then tries to think of something good to say. He finally comes up with the fact that he's glad to see what they've done, and that it's a stressful process and it doesn't always work out the way you want it to. That's the best he could do? How very sad. Danny jokes that Elton really means they should "get over it." Everyone starts to file out, but Elton asks Kelley to stay behind. In an interview, Kelley says she wasn't going to get her "ass chewed out by Elton." Kelley talks about her ass a lot. First, the show was coming out of it, now Elton is not chewing it out. Kelley tells Elton that she's going to be blunt, and that this is not "an easy situation." She realizes that her job as producer is to "delegate [sic] everybody" but "they. Won't. Listen. To me." Elton says that she's responsible for the show, ultimately. Kelley thinks she's capable of being a producer or manager in her life, but she wouldn't have to live with the people that work below her, and she would just fire them. That's a good point. It's easy for me to sit here and offer hard-ass solutions to her problems, but then she has to go and live with these people, so that makes it a little easier to understand why she's being a big softy. Elton tells her that he is there to back her up, and that if someone disagrees with Kelley, they will have to deal with him. In an interview, Kelley says she's not "laying down the law" as well as she should. Elton tells her he noticed that "nine times out of ten," she's the one to tell him what he needs to know, and that's what he looks for in a producer, so if he's been remiss in telling her she's doing a good job, he's saying it now. Elton has a hard time with the praise, doesn't he? Kelley says she feels better about it, and they both leave.
Some text scrolls across the screen and at first I think it's just a promo for TRL, but then I realize it says, "Three Hours Till Show Time" and it annoys me that they wrote "Till" instead of "Until," but I'm anal like that. ["I prefer 'til, but apparently 'till' is considered a word now. I don't recognize it, though." -- Wing Chun] Kelley is looking at a website about alcohol abuse. In an interview, Melissa says that Kelley is "freaking out" and "scouring the Internet for information on topics we will talk about for approximately one minute." I am so much like Kelley in that respect. I believe there is no such thing as being over-prepared. Jamie arrives, skateboard in hand, and the scrolling text says that it is not "Two Hours Till Show Time." Yep, the "Till" still bugs me. Julie tells Jamie that they are "looking for stats on drunks." Now I know why Julie doesn't get to be a host. Can't you just see it? She's interviewing a recovering alcoholic, and she says, "So, how long have you been a drunk?" Julie tells Kelley that they are going to take a walk because they need to get out of the building, and that she was there late last night, but that they will come back and help later. Kelley says okay. In an interview, Kelley says, "I need help, please, and...it wasn't there." I really don't feel bad for her, because if she needed help, she should have asked for it. Cry me a river.
Jamie and Julie are walking down the street. Jamie says that if people tell him what to do, he will do it, but he doesn't want to "exist in the office" just to make them all feel...and Julie butts in with, "equally, yeah." Jamie says that they should "delegate responsibilities and we'll get it done." Julie says that she was really happy yesterday because she's going to do the editing and now she has a purpose. Jamie feels there is "too much micro-management" and that "everybody has to be involved with everybody else's thing." He says he trusts Julie to do the editing and do it well. In an interview, Kelley says that Jamie has an "uncanny way of slipping through the cracks" and she falls for it, and that even though she's angry, she doesn't say anything. Jamie and Julie are sitting on a wall somewhere, and he tells her to keep some perspective because nothing about this show is worth getting angry or pissed off about because in the end, it means nothing. And while he has a point, you'd think that they would want to work a little harder out of some loyalty to Kelley, to whom it does matter a great deal; she has made no secret of that fact. Jamie asks Julie what time it is, and she says she doesn't know, but that they should probably get back. I was sure that they were going to be late, but instead this whole segment seems to have had no point, unless it was setting up a future Kelley vs. Jamie conflict.
Matt is working on his set design, which actually doesn't look half bad. One side has a bunch of clouds in the sky, and then the logo is in the middle, and the other side has a bunch of twinkly lights so that it looks like stars. It's forty minutes to show time, and they are still working on the set? In an interview, Danny says that Matt spent "hours and hours working on the set" and that Matt is "really interested in giving the show a professional look." Melissa walks up and says it's a great set. In an interview, Melissa says she was "thoroughly worried." We see Melissa sitting in her chair on the set whining, "It's going to be really bad." Well, that's the way to rally the troops! The interview continues with Melissa saying that the only thing they can hope for is a miracle. Kelley stands by a camera, holding a clipboard and looking concerned. Danny tells Melissa she has a bad attitude. In an interview, Melissa says that at this point it's out of her hands. In an interview, Julie says that the first show is going to suck, she guarantees it. Well, another little Miss Sunshine, huh? With positive attitudes like that, I'm sure things will turn out nicely. David leads a "Real Seven" cheer and then Elton tells them to take a deep breath. The stage manager starts counting down, "Six! Five!" In an interview, David says, "This is it! This is it!" The stage manager yells, "Four! Three!" and then does the Wayne's World silent "two" and "one" and points at them. The camera pans over to Matt, Melissa, Kelley and David sitting in four chairs, with Danny crouched down inexplicably between them, like couldn't they afford a fifth chair? I ponder such mysteries over the commercial break.
Then they actually include David's scat footage. In an interview, David says that people will be able to say they heard "every damn question up in that flow" and that they understand him and see his perspective, and that's who he's reaching. Wow, he really doesn't know what an ass he is making out of himself, does he? In an interview, Danny says that they showed David with his shirt off, and then David standing to nice cars that don't belong to him, and what they had was "a bad rap video." Danny nailed it so perfectly that I need to award him another ten points. This footage looks exactly like a bad rap video, or actually like a bad Boyz II Men video. At one point, David actually pulls out a cell phone and pretends to talk on it, all while wearing no shirt. He really has no shame, does he? The footage ends and David in the studio says, "Absolutely tight! We'll be right back." If I were sitting at home and that crap came on the air, I would either flip the channel immediately, or more likely, call all my friends and tell them to turn to channel seventy-seven because you would not believe the bunch of losers that were on television.
Now it's sixteen minutes into the show and Melissa is saying that the people of New Orleans are concerned about issues like cleanliness, the education system, and police brutality. She says that they talked to a lady in a clock shop, and Danny gives the cue so that the footage of the lady in the clock shop comes up. I think we are supposed to surmise that things are going pretty well at this point.
Now it's twenty-one minutes into the show and Matt is talking about corruption, and he says it's not just police but also in businesses, and that some people think that corruption festers here in New Orleans. Wow. If I lived in New Orleans and I turned on my television and saw this group of idiots talking trash about my city, even if it were true, I would be pissed. It would have been so much more effective there to show a clip of a New Orleans resident saying that corruption festers in New Orleans. Look at me, I'm all Holly Hunter in Broadcast News all of a sudden. thing you know, Joan Cusack is going to slide under a file cabinet drawer to deliver me a videotape just in time. I'll be waiting, Joanie!
Now it's twenty-five minutes into the show and David is saying that alcohol is a "pressing issue" and that it's the "backbone of New Orleans" and once again, I don't know that it's a good idea to trash the city hosting you. Kelley says that the "number-one things bringing tourists into town is alcohol and food." I'll cut her some slack on the grammar because it's the end of the show and she was probably just relieved that David didn't take his shirt off or start scatting again. Danny is giving commands in the control room, and Melissa wraps things up. They all start yelling at the camera, which is scary. Danny counts down to the end of the show and they all cheer. In an interview, David says, "Can you say 'success'? Oh, man, it felt good." In an interview, Melissa says that for all the stressing and arguing, they pulled it off.
They're all back in the conference room. Elton says that they did a great job, and they pulled it all together, and they should give themselves a big hand. He continues to lavish praise on them, saying that he's proud of them, and that the set looked great, and that the music was great. In an interview, Jamie says that for the first time, the vibe at NOA-TV was a positive vibe. Elton tells them to imagine where they can go from here. Nowhere? Then he does the super-cheesy, "You deserve a round of applause" thing and makes them all clap for themselves. In an interview, Kelley says that Elton really is impressed and that she "got the old, 'Good job'" complete with double thumbs-up gesture. Julie is the only one who doesn't look very excited. In an interview, Julie yells that everyone is celebrating like it was the greatest show, and "first of all, the first show sucked!" She goes on to say that if she's the only person who saw that, then she's sorry, but it did. Well, way to bring everyone down. It wasn't THAT bad. I mean, it wasn't as bad as it could have been, I guess. The whole concept was bad, but the execution wasn't that bad. Julie asks Elton if they are going to be doing this every week, and every Saturday for the rest of their time in New Orleans. Elton says they are, and that they should start thinking about their second show because it's coming up real quick.
Back at Belfort, Kelley and David are sitting outside. Kelley asks David if he's going to produce the show, and says that she thinks he should In an interview, Kelley explains that Elton wants each cast member to produce a show. David says he needs to figure out what they are doing and who is doing what. Kelley thinks that he should because he would do a good job. I think she just wants him to see how difficult a task being producer really is. It's her way of getting revenge. David admits that he has "a pad full of stuff." In an interview, David says that when Kelley produced the show, he saw both good and bad things, and he learned from the bad things, so he has more confidence now. I didn't know that it was possible for David to have more confidence in himself.
It's morning at Belfort. Melissa's hair is suddenly much longer than it was the day before, leading me to believe that this is not the day after their first show at all. Melissa tells Kelley (who is clad only in a towel) that "it's really embarrassing." In an interview, Melissa says that she found out by talking to "random people in the community" that people who saw the show thought that they were "seven brats talking about things they know nothing about" since they have "been in New Orleans for two seconds." Kelley says that the first show is gone, but Melissa says it will live on in reruns, and that people have been watching it. Kelley just laughs. Melissa says she's going to send out a public-service announcement that says that they were just kidding with that first show, and that it was a joke. Kelley says that would be great. That was such a weird scene. Why did they include it here? Were they trying to preclude all of us saying all the criticisms that Melissa just said? I hope the relevance is revealed later on, because I don't get it.
week, Julie tells David that television is her "only exposure to the colored race." Julie asks Melissa if that was a bad thing to say, and Melissa says it was horrible. Jamie says that he thinks Melissa is "overly sensitive on the race issue." Whatever, Shaka Zulu. Melissa says that it's not her job to change people that are ignorant. Julie yells, "One person makes a difference!" Melissa says that ignorance is here to stay.
Over the credits, we get to see David's cheesy "bad rap video" again. I think the editors are enjoying this as much as we are. The worst part is, David is probably sitting home watching it and thinking, "Aw, yeah! I am smooth! That is tight!"