Previously on The Real World: Cory flirted with Puck. The group kicked him out of the house. Pam knew that Cory wanted people to like Puck. Pedro was in love with Sean. Pedro was torn between moving to San Francisco permanently to be with Sean (the man to whom he's engaged) and moving back home to spend the rest of his days with his family.
Sean and Pedro are arguing over the phone. Pedro tells us (clean-shaven) that they've been arguing. Goateed Pedro argues over the phone. The bickering continues until Sean hangs up.
Mohammed eats food and listens to Pedro's problems. Pedro is going to Miami for a few days, and it's a sore spot with Sean because he knows that Pedro's thinking about not moving to San Francisco. I don't understand why they pose these guys in the strangest of places to "get real" with us. Pedro's talking from around the corner of his computer monitor. Cory talks to us from underneath a giant umbrella. They've always got Mo in a car or in the middle of a field somewhere. Mo tells Pedro that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. Pedro nods and says it's still hard because he hates fighting.
Pedro announces that he's going to shave his goatee. Nobody cares. Pedro lathers up and starts shaving. He points out that Sean likes him to keep a little flavor-saver under his chin. Pedro shaves. The action! The excitement! They've got one of those sinks like Stee has where there's a separate spigot for hot and cold. It sucks to wash your face in there because you have to cup your hand in the hot, burn your hand and then cool it down with a splash from the cold spigot and then splash your face. It's impossible. Those sinks were made just for men to shave and that's it.
Pedro sits in the kitchen with Cory. Already, every scene has involved someone eating something. Pedro's already got a pretty decent beard growing back. Cory says that she forgets how much she misses people until she sees them again. Oh, that's nice. Pedro laments and moans about being in Miami thinking about Sean.
Pedro packs. Montage of packing. Try to remember to breathe.
Pedro tells Sean to pick him up in the morning to get to the airport. He tells Sean he loves him, and Sean just hangs up.
Sean and Pedro drive to the airport in silence. Then Pedro tells us that they drove to the airport in silence. Pedro kisses Sean goodbye, wondering whether he's going to realize he can't move to San Francisco. Pedro boards his plane with at least six carry-ons, including his returning facial hair. Fucker.
Pedro lands in Miami with a clean-shaven face again. His family hugs him. His sister, his father, some guy not worthy of identification, and his other sister are present. One of his sisters tells him he's gotten skinny. Pedro holds children.
Pedro and his family arrive back at the house, where there are more kisses. Pedro tells everyone how much he missed them. He says he's happy to be home, listening to all of the screaming, the noise, and the babies crying. Pedro loves just what I hate about home life. He says he's glad his sister's bitching at him about eating properly.
Pedro sits with his family and explains Puck. Pedro talks in Spanish, but he's clearly telling the story of Puck swiping the peanut butter. "He didn't adapt to our environment," Pedro explains. Man, it's been, like, seven years and I still remember the peanut butter incident like it happened in my own home. Pedro was that pissed off about it.
Cory and Rachel laugh over some pictures Cory's developed. "This is the raddest picture ever," Cory coos over some shot of Puck. Cory says there are tons of pictures of Puck. She laughs and says, "He's gonna die." They laugh over more pictures. We see "candid" shots of the roommates posing for photos as Cory voice-overs that she and Pedro are growing apart. She says that she didn't choose Puck over Pedro, but that Puck has more power to "influence" her.
Pedro tells us, "I don't know anything but my family. They have been my whole life." Pedro's sister notices that he's running a fever, and suddenly the entire family is coddling him. They tell him to take it easy. Pedro protests, but they are persistent. People leave and Pedro's on the thermometer. He keeps his spirits up and confesses that he does feel a little warm. You might feel like I'm leaving some of the fun and excitement and action out of the episode. I swear to God this is all that's happening. When I first watched the episode I was like, "Is this thing an hour long? When is something going to happen?"
Cory calls Puck. Puck bitches Cory out for not being a good friend and for letting him get kicked out of the house. Cory warbles and backs down, whining and moaning and making herself look like an ass. Whine, whine, whine. Puck says, "Keep your whining and stuff it up your butt." I've seen more intelligent debates on Kindergarden Nap Time. Puck says that they're all a bunch of kids with their big important castle and their power and they voted him out of the house. Cory says that they discussed it for hours. Puck says that he's done talking about it, but that he'd like to see the pictures. They make plans to meet. Cory says, "I don't know how to confront him. I don't. It just makes me nervous." I'm gonna go order a spine for Cory because I can't take looking at this sobbing amoeba anymore.
Puck wears goggles and reads a Bible. Cory walks up wearing a sweater, black shorts, and black pantyhose. Remember when that was okay to wear? I remember my mom going, "You can't leave the house in that." I thought she was so lame. Now I know she was just trying to save me some embarrassment, because watching these old episodes of Real World show me just how clueless we were about fashion in the early Nineties. That's why grunge happened so easily. We were ready just to give up and start wearing pajamas to work. Just keep flannel on all day long and layer it up so we'd never have to try again. Some little kid watches the street activity from his giant picture window in his overpriced apartment. Cory and Puck hug. They flip through the pictures. Puck laughs at Judd in drag. Cory tells Puck he can take any picture he wants because she's just going to make some more. Puck says he'll take a picture of Rachel since she's such a "jerk." Cory says that so much had changed between her and Puck. Like, in these past five days during which she's spent every minute whining and making excuses and he's been bitching at her. Yeah, I can see the difference from here. Puck puts his arm up in the middle of traffic to stop cars so they can walk. Asshole.
Puck and Cory sit with coffee on the curb and Puck asks Cory what it's like to be in the dirt. He says that it wasn't so fun for him about a week ago. Cory's all warbly and pouty and whiny again. Puck tells Cory to tell Rachel to "kiss [his] butt." Cory says she feels "helpless and weak" when she's with Puck. Puck starts bitching Cory out again for not standing up for him when they were kicking him out. Because he's done talking about it, remember? I'm just going to transcribe this conversation because it makes absolutely no sense the way they've edited it, and they just assume that I won't mind. But listen to this bullshit. Puck: "You were my friend, Cory. Could have stopped it. Could have put the brakes on and said, 'Oh, wait. I'm an adult. I'm gonna think. Let's not be harsh and just feeding-frenzy on Puck while he's gone.' And don't even get into what my mom dealt with. Oh. It's just awful for her, man." Cory: "I'm just stuck. Stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck." Puck: "You know, you guys played the cops on me, man. That really hurt my feelings." Cory: "There are so many people in the house that have been hurt by you, too." Puck: "You just have to get the funny in me or not. And, you know what? I prayed to God on the side of that house, that little altar that I made? I prayed to God to give me my life back. I want my life simpler. Four days after that I'm out of the house. So you figure it out. Is God right there with me, or maybe not?" Cory: "Puck! I miss you!" Cory collapses into Puck's arms. What the fuck was all of that? I ask you. The kid in the picture window, just like me, turns his back and goes back to his meaningful life of animal crackers and titty-sucking.
Back in Miami, Pedro has lunch with his two best friends, Alex and Jessie. Jessie is a girl and she's got lots of pictures in her wallet. Alex is Pedro's roommate, and is like Pedro's brother.
Pedro's shaving again, and talking to Alex in the bathroom. He says that he needs to talk to his sister, before he leaves, about Sean. Alex says that Pedro's T-cell count is probably more important. Pedro confesses that he hadn't talked to her about that, either. Pedro says he has to decide whether he wants a long-distance relationship with his family, or with Sean. He says he'd rather be with Sean. Alex asks whether, if something goes wrong or if Pedro and Sean don't work out, Pedro's going to be on the plane to Miami. Pedro says it's a risk he's taking. I don't know why Sean can't move to Miami. Pedro's entire life is there.
Pedro goes out to dinner with a group of friends. They get served by a group of drag queens. That's it. That's all that happens. Pedro laughs.
Later that night Pedro is walking down Ocean Drive when he started getting chest pains. Pedro starts thinking and gets worried and goes home to bed.
Puck plays pinball as Rachel tells us that he manipulates people. It's like I'm learning all these things about these people I've never known before. Rachel tells Judd that Puck's using Cory because she'll listen to him and allow herself to be manipulated. Judd says he doesn't understand.
A sink drips as Cory whines to Pam, "People make you or break you!" That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Pam thinks so too, and she moans for Cory to go to sleep. Pam tells us in a confessional that Puck pours salt in your wounds. Cory says that she spent the entire day walking like a zombie. "I don't understand anything," she whines. Pam says that this isn't about Cory and Puck, but it is. Cory says that Puck made a lot of sense, and that she had nothing to argue about. Cory goes back to trying to jam her head entirely up her ass.
It's raining, and Pedro doesn't feel well. He's thrown up and he thinks he might have pneumonia. He starts calling doctors, but since he doesn't have insurance, he has a hard time finding someone who will admit him for x-rays. Pedro calls doctor after doctor, and tells Alex that if he were dying, he'd have been dead by now. Alex and Pedro are concerned. The over-dramatic music swelling is hoping for more dramatic tension. There is none, and we go to commercial.
Rain in Miami. Pedro goes to a doctor. Dr. Karen Raben listens to Pedro describe his chest pains. She decides to do some x-rays. They take x-rays. They weigh Pedro. He's 132 lbs. Dr. Raben says that the x-rays came back clear.
Pedro explains again that he didn't have pneumonia. Alex is relieved and takes Pedro home. Pedro tells us he was tired, so he took a nap and then his sister came in. She takes his temperature and cries as he tells her that he's going to be fine. They hug. It's a remarkably touching moment in this otherwise boring show.
Pedro's with his family when he gets a phone call from Rachel, I think. She says that he needs to tell his family about Sean. He says he'll do it when he gets back. The girl bitches at him. I bet it's not Rachel. Why would she care enough about anyone else to call and find out how he's doing?
Pedro shows his family pictures of Sean, but he doesn't mention that he's engaged, nor that he's thinking of moving to San Francisco. Do you see the themes in this episode? There are only two and they are repeated seventeen times. Pedro says it's important for his family to be okay with his life. He says he's sad that he didn't tell his family, but that he feels caught between two worlds.
Pedro gets a phone call from Cory. She superficially coos that they were worried he'd never come back. He says that he got sick and went to the hospital because he thought he had pneumonia, but he didn't, so he's fine now. Why recap when the show recaps itself? Pedro says he's leaving for the airport right now.
And he does. God, I'm just going to tell a joke or something because there's nothing in this episode and if you made it all the way to this point in the recap, you must either really love The Real World, have been a cast member in this season, or be a great fan of mine. In any event, you've earned something. Okay, let me think. Dammit. I can't think of anything. This show has sapped me dry. Uh...no for real. I can't think of a damn thing. I'm sorry. Pedro says he didn't want to leave his family, but he wanted to get to San Francisco, so he had "mixed emotions."
At the San Francisco airport, Judd, Rachel, and Cory wait for Pedro. Cory says that Pedro was getting chest pains. Rachel is pissed off that Pedro didn't tell her anything about the chest pains. Judd holds a sign that says "Pedro 'Boom Boom' Zamora." When will the comedy stop? I can't breathe!
The roommates drive home as Pedro says his visit was good. Rachel asks whether he told his family he was engaged. He says he didn't.
Pedro pouts around the house and says he needed to work out some issues with Cory. They sit, and Pedro tells her that she was putting all of her energy into Puck and none on him. Cory explains thus: "I just focus more on Puck than anybody else. Because I wanted to believe that he was a good person and I wanted to believe that he liked me." She says that she can't stop, and he just beats her down. Pedro puts on his judging cap and tells us, "Those are patterns of an abusive relationship." He tells us that Cory needs to learn how to be more aggressive. What a brilliant revelation! Cory says that she would have just kept taking it from Puck until she had to go into therapy and Weight Watchers. Pedro laughs and laughs, and Cory says she's totally serious. Fight resolved.
Pedro shows up at Sean's. They hug. Pedro tells us that they needed to talk things out. Sean says he doesn't like fighting with Pedro. Pedro says he doesn't want to fight or argue because it doesn't feel like he has enough time. He says he's stressed out about his health and work (work?), and he doesn't know what he wants to do. Sean asks that Pedro tell him when Pedro knows what he wants. They cuddle by the fire. Sean asks when Pedro's going to tell his sister. Pedro rubs his face and says he didn't accomplish anything he wanted to accomplish in Miami. He says he talked about Sean, but didn't express how serious it was. "I'll write her a letter," Sean says. Pedro kisses his hand.
time: the action continues as they discuss getting a new roommate. Puck calls Rachel to tell her she misses him. They discuss kissing again.
During the credits, Pedro tells Sean that the asparagus in the bag hasn't been cooked. Sean says it's been cooked because it's hot. Pedro yells and says that it's only hot because it was in hot water. Sean says that the asparagus has been cooked. Pedro shouts, "This asparagus has not been cooked!" Pedro screams at Rachel and asks whether the asparagus has been cooked. Rachel says from off-camera that she cooked the asparagus in the microwave for two minutes. Pedro laughs as Sean smacks his back. Can you take the excitement? Jesus, I'm freaking out over here.