Julie and Jamie are walking down the street. Julie tells Jamie that her parents own a "restaurant," but I've heard it referred to as a "custard stand," so restaurant might be a bit of an exaggeration. Jamie asks her what it's called. Julie says that he has to remember it's Wisconsin and that her "parents are lunatics" and then admits that it's named "Wholly Cow" Jamie yells out, "Holy Cow!" Seriously, I think there's something wrong with him. They enter the Trolley Stop Café at 1923 St. Charles Avenue, for those of you planning to go on the Real World tour of New Orleans at some point. That's the only reason I can think of why they would linger on the sign outside the café for so long. Inside, Jamie asks Julie sarcastically if they have a lot of "bagel joints" in Provo. Julie says no and that she'd like to go to New York and eat a bagel in a New York coffee shop. As opposed to going to New York and eating a bagel in a Chicago coffee shop, I guess. In an interview, Jamie says that he's traveled and tried to see the world, and he thinks that's what Julie is doing right now. If you consider New Orleans "the world," I guess. Jamie asks her what her school is like. Julie says her school is not cool with her being in New Orleans and part of her is like, "Don't whine about it, get up and go somewhere else." In an interview, Julie says she'd like to be more open and let people into her life. Back in the café, she tells Jamie that the other part of her knows that her parents are paying for college and she's already "in her major" and almost done, with the implication being that she should just stick it out. In an interview, Julie says the fact that she doesn't "necessarily" want to go to B.Y.U. and "marry a nice Mormon boy" scares her parents. Julie tells Jamie that coming to New Orleans is "a catalyst for change." In an interview, Jamie says that Julie will definitely be a different person after this. Hey, do you think being away from her normal surroundings is making Julie see things in a different light? I wasn't sure, so I thought I'd check with you guys. Also, I really am trying to hate Julie, but it's not working. I am really liking her, and I hate myself for it. I'll keep trying, but I'm not making any promises. She's just so...nice. She's like everything they wanted Amaya to be last season, but Julie's not annoying and not a drama queen.
Over at the Robért Fresh Market, Melissa and David are doing some grocery shopping. David asks Melissa if she needs anything from the "fermented Kool-Aid section." If that's what he thinks alcohol is, no wonder he doesn't drink it. David asks Melissa if she drinks. She does, and David says he doesn't. Melissa says she's trying to keep it under control because she wants it to be a non-issue while she's there, and alcoholism is very scary for her because her dad dealt with it when she was younger. While she is saying all this and they continue strolling through the aisles, the camera man must get tangled up in a display of Cap'n Crunch or something because one minute he's right with them and the minute he's running to catch up with them. Anyway, Melissa continues telling David that she knows if she drinks, she will like it and do it to excess and "get wild." In an interview, Melissa says she knows how she can be when she gets drunk and she doesn't like the way it feels. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that at some point in this episode, Melissa is going to drink some alcohol. It's just intuition.
Melissa and David arrive back at Belfort with a bunch of plastic bags, and begin carrying them in. That is my least favorite part of grocery shopping. I know you were all dying to know that. Once inside, David says he's going to start his own cooking show called "Ghetto Kitchen." Melissa jokes that in "Ghetto Kitchen," you don't have to turn on the stove, since apparently David did not. In an interview, David says he grew up on the south side of Chicago, which is the baddest part of town, and if you go down there, you better just beware of a man named Leroy Brown. You all know I'm going to use that joke every time David mentions the south side, right? Okay, just checking. Anyway, I guess that was for the benefit of those of you who missed the eight million times MTV has shown the casting special and the premiere episode. Melissa says that in "Ghetto Kitchen," they use their hand as a measuring cup, and measures out what she claims is a quarter cup of rice. Hey, my grandma used to do that, but her kitchen would probably be better classified as "Rural Kitchen." In an interview, Melissa says that they joked about what it is to be "ghetto," although she has no understanding of what it's like to be poor, to struggle or to only have one parent, or to live in the ghetto, or to have a kitchen. Well, not those last two. I might have gotten a little carried away. Back in "Ghetto Kitchen," Melissa cleans the rice while David says it's dirty, and that even the rice is ghetto. In an interview, Melissa says she feels like she connects to David "on some weird level," and feels like he'll be there for her. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that at some point in this episode, David will not be there for Melissa.
Suddenly, Melissa and David are in a completely different part of the house, wearing different clothes. It don't know if it's even the same day. Melissa asks David who he "prefers racially." David says he doesn't "prefer," but that "if you look good, you look good." For some reason, in between each sentence, the editors stuck these weird shots of Melissa and David just staring at each other, but they don't seem to have any relevance to the rest of the scene, or even be in order. Melissa says she's tried to date black men, but she's "not black enough." She says her experience dating black men has been "poor and sour" and she doesn't like "justifying [her] blackness to anyone" so she just dates white guys. David asks if that means that even if he did approach her and gave her attention, she has issues with black guys and he won't "get to square one." In an interview, David says Melissa is "scared of having a brother, that's the problem." No, I think the problem is that she feels like the black guys she's dated were judging her because of her racial makeup, and so she is (unfairly, in my opinion) universalizing that to all black men, since they are apparently all the same. Melissa says that if someone is going to like her for her, then he needs to know that she's half black, because it's a very big part of who she is, and if she were to walk around "denying [her] father," she would feel "a world of guilt." Once again, some strange and inexplicable reaction shots are stuck in here willy nilly. In an interview, David says Melissa is beautiful and if he had the chance, he'd "capitalize" on it. Okay, WE GET IT! David thinks Melissa is beautiful.
Julie sits down and with a very red face, says that even a two-year-old can "put a puzzle together" and she doesn't see how...Danny interrupts by saying, "Are you going to ask what I think you're going to ask?" Julie takes this opportunity to chicken out on the sex question, but does she really not know how two men can have sex? It reminds me of when we asked my (then) seven-year-old cousin if he knew what (heterosexual) sex was, and he said, "It's when the boy puts his thing in the girl's butt and pees." I mean, he did the best he could with the information he was given, and then used a little imagination. Danny tells her to ask him anyway, and then turns the tables and asks her if she thinks "it's wrong." Julie thinks for a minute and they show the same non-reaction shot of Danny three times. Finally, she says that for her it's "absolutely morally wrong" because she "has morals that don't encompass that in any way, shape, or form." Danny actually seems to take this okay, because I would have gotten all fire and brimstone on her ass. Julie squeaks out that she still loves him, which is a huge cop-out, like how would you feel if your friend said to you, "I think your whole life is a moral cesspool. Love ya!" Danny just laughs, proving that he is a far, far better person than I could ever be. And yet, I still don't hate Julie. I think she's just sadly misinformed, and I'm hoping that as the season goes along, she re-evaluates some of her stances on the issue. You've all lost all respect for me, haven't you? And please don't pull a Julie and say you still love me.
Melissa is sitting on the couch with a box of Kleenex, so clearly her pity party is still in full effect. In a confessional (hey, remember those!), Melissa says that she feels weird in the house, and she feels like "the odd man out all the time." I'm so glad she told us because I didn't get that from the forty-five other times she's said that already in this episode. , she's on the phone with her brother Michael, who must have followed in the family tradition and not signed a waiver, because we don't hear his voice either, and this conversation in on the house phone, so there's no excuse. Anyway, Melissa tells him there are three girls, including her, and four boys, and the others are all "beautiful people." Excuse me, has she taken a good look at Jamie lately? Or Matt? Or, um, Jamie? Anyway, she tells her brother that she went there expecting to deal with "assholes" but everyone is really cool so far. What was the point of showing that phone call?
Then there's like a ten-minute shot of some guy dancing for spare change, and he is spinning a bicycle tire on this head. The hell?
Melissa tells Danny and Kelley that she needs to find a place where she can get another drink and chill. They go into a placed called "Velvet Dog." Melissa dances with various young men in a lascivious fashion. The music tries to make you think that she's out of control, because the lyrics consist of the words, "I'm going crazy. I'm gonna crack," repeated over and over. I bet the producers are pissed that they didn't know about that song two years ago, for the "Irene goes crazy in Seattle" montage. Between shots of Melissa getting her freak on, we see shots of David looking pissed off. Melissa starts dancing with him. In a voice-over, David says that "she's going buck wild" and he tried to "play it off and dance with her a little." Okay, I don't know what fantasy world he lives in, but in this reality he is not dancing with her at all. He's just standing there like some sort of over-muscled statue. David continues his voice-over by saying that Melissa is "getting freaky" but he's "not feeling it, not feeling it at all," so he's just going to leave. We see a shot of David leaving the club.
Now they are all (Melissa, Danny, Kelley and Jamie) outside on the sidewalk again and Melissa sees a bar with "naked ladies." There are silhouetted naked women dancing in the windows, and a sign that says, "Female dancers needed, apply within." How many college boys want that sign for their dorm room doors? Melissa sees the silhouetted woman in the window and says the dancing is easy, and starts imitating her. Then, she asks the doorman how much she'd get paid if she took her top off. The group enters the club. Melissa keeps imitating the dancers on stage. Danny and Jamie watch the dancers while Kelley chats with some random guy. In an interview, Jamie says that when Melissa has a couple of screwdrivers, if she wants to strip, she's going to strip. Melissa asks someone if she will get tips when she dances. In an interview, Melissa says that the ladies offered her an outfit, and the opportunity to get on stage and "do the pole" and I have absolutely no comment on that. We see a clip of someone "doing the pole" (not Melissa) and really, there's more tawdry content in your average Mötley Crüe video. Melissa walks back to the dressing room with one of the dancers and yells out that she's never done this before. Again with the silhouetted woman and the sign that says, "Female dancers needed, apply within." In a voice-over, Kelley yells out, "Oh my God, she's gonna strip!" Then they go to commercial, and we're all in suspense unless you happened to catch one of the previews they've been showing every thirty-seven seconds for the last two weeks, with Melissa holding money over her breasts while she strips.
After commercial, we're back at the strip club. For those of you who just tuned in, they show the "Female dancer needed, apply within" sign AGAIN, like we get it already! Melissa comes out onto the stage and pulls down the top of her dress and I thought she was holding her hands over her breasts, but apparently not too successfully because they had to call the pixel engineer from last season for this part. Danny and the random guy are laughing. Melissa takes some money out of some woman's mouth with her mouth. Jamie and Kelley are laughing. Melissa takes money from random guy, who we are finally informed is "Mark, Danny's friend" but I don't know if he's Danny's friend or Danny's "friend." Melissa sort of kisses him but mostly kisses the air. In an interview, Melissa says she gets a rush out of "watching them hold their tummies and crack up over what she's doing." Back on stage, she makes some lewd gestures with the money she's collected (which I note consists of about four dollars). In an interview, Kelley says her face hurt from laughing so hard. We finally get the "money shot" (pun intended) from the commercials, with Melissa dancing with dollar bills over her breasts. Jamie makes the dorkiest gesture ever, by licking his fingers and then wiping them in the air as if he were touching her breasts. In a voice-over, Jamie says that "she knows how to work it completely, so there is definitely something sexy about that." Melissa is "doing the pole" but she kind of falls on the floor, which is really not sexy. Finally, it's over and Melissa laughs and claps for herself with money tucked into the top of her dress. In an interview, Danny says that everything that has happened makes him think that "the entire time in New Orleans will be insane." That was the big stripping scene? I've seen drunk people get more naked in non-strip clubs around closing time.
Back at Belfort, the crazy group has just arrived home and Melissa tells Julie that her performance was "ridiculous and funny, not sexy." Danny says she was swimming across the stage, and demonstrates. Julie doesn't look very amused. Melissa says they went to a gay bar so there are "community condoms" for the house, and she empties them out of her purse. Julie shrieks at her not to "put it on her fruit." We see that Melissa has arranged the condoms in a fruit bowl. Jamie and Melissa explain that you can now have a pear, an orange, or a condom, and Melissa says they are all "sugarless." Julie laughs and says, "That's my fruit!" In an interview, Julie tells us this doesn't happen in Provo, seeing "a bowl full of apples, oranges, and condoms." Someone announces that David is there. Melissa asks if he's mad at her. Julie says he's just concerned because they thought she would come home "sloppy drunk," which she clearly has not. In fact, she's looking pretty sober at this point.
Melissa is now sitting in David's bed with him. David says he left because he "saw enough" and she doesn't even need to tell him what happened afterwards. Melissa protests that she didn't do anything. David says he "might care too much," but she shouldn't talk to him before, and "make it seem as if [he] can make a difference" when she's just going to get drunk. My God, these people act as if getting drunk is the equivalent of shooting heroin into your eyeball! Lighten up, people! Melissa says she won't lie, and that she "had a bad day and wanted a drink." David says that if her "number one escape" is going to be alcohol, that's fine, but she shouldn't look for him when it fails her. Did I miss the episode where Melissa ended up in a gutter drinking Ripple out of a bottle in a paper bag? In an interview, David says he doesn't "take second seat to anything, especially alcohol." David tells Melissa that she doesn't know the type of person he is, and that it takes a lot for him to "extend [his] hand," that it takes "so much energy and caring" on his part. In an interview, David says that for Melissa to say, "I'm going to drink instead of taking [his] hand," was insulting. Melissa says that David is giving her an ultimatum -- come to him with her problems, or go drink and he won't be there for her. She thinks it would be easier if he just didn't "extend [his] hand" because he's very upset and she doesn't understand why. Me neither! I mean, he acts like it would take years off his life to listen to Melissa's problems once in a while, when that's what friends do for one another, and they don't put conditions on it, and they don't complain about it, they just do it. David asks what she didn't understand about what he just explained. Melissa asks if he's mad at her. David says that he can't answer yes or no, that it's not that cut and dried. Melissa asks what the hell this whole conversation was about and why he's upset. I'm wondering the same thing. Well, I think I know the reason -- because David is a big, old drama queen. David says that he'll "take the whole thing, to get it over with," and says rather insincerely that it's all his fault and he has no clue what he's doing. What a baby. Melissa gets up to leave and says that as long as he acknowledges it's all his fault then it's fine, because she doesn't think she's in the wrong. David tells her to go ahead because he doesn't give a...but he's interrupted by Melissa saying, "And don't talk to me for the five months!" If she had a door on her room, she probably would have slammed it, but instead she has to be satisfied with pulling the curtain shut real hard. David says that he doesn't give a damn who the hell she is and puts his headphones on.
Kelley and Danny are once again sharing a bed. Julie giggles and says if Danny "turns to the flip side," she'll "know not what to do." Kelley and Danny giggle. There's a lot of giggling in this scene. In an interview, Julie says she is sitting back and taking everything in, and it's so new that she decided early on she "couldn't pass judgment right away." Well, it's nice to know that she'll be passing judgment later on. Julie asks Danny why they say "coming out of the closet" because there's no closet. Clearly, Julie failed fifth grade, where the rest of us learned about metaphors and similes and such. Danny explains that it's because you put things in a closet that you want to hide, like duh, and then asks the heavens why they couldn't "stick another gay guy in here." Kelley says that if they did, they'd never see Danny because he would literally be in the closet with his friend. It may just be because she hasn't been on screen that much, but Kelley kind of cracks me up. In an interview, Julie says that before coming here, she didn't think "there would be any connection between [her] and a...a..." and I yell at the screen, "Spit it out!" and she finally says, "gay person," but you know she almost said, "homosexual," or possibly something more derogatory. Anyway, she finished by saying that "in meeting Danny, [she] realized that's ridiculous." Back in the bedroom, Julie says she's "not really cool" with the way Danny is "choosing to live [his] life." Danny sighs and with the patience of Job, explains that he didn't "choose" it, and if he could be straight, his life would be so easy, and then wonders who in their right mind would "choose this, because it's not an easy life." I wonder if he's referring to being gay, or having to answer all of Julie's inane questions.
The morning, David is eating while Melissa sits at the kitchen counter, and neither of them are talking. In an interview, Melissa says David spent the day ignoring "the whole house" because he was "walking around with this anger" toward her. I would like to point out that I believe that is the first time this season that someone has referred to "the house" meaning, "the roommates," and it sure didn't take them long to acclimate, did it? Melissa asks David if he's "focusing or ignoring [her]." David says he's not ignoring her, that he realizes she's there, but that she told him not to talk to her for five months and he does what he's told. David, go fuck yourself! I was just testing him. But seriously, what an infant. In an interview, David says that when he cuts someone off, if they do him wrong, that person doesn't exist, "their mind, their soul, their emotions" are just not there. Whatever, Pouty McToddler. Melissa says he's being unfair. David tells her he's the type of person who can just "click you off like that because David will be David tomorrow." Okay, first of all, David spends a lot of time telling us about what "type of person" he is, when it would be a lot easier to just let his actions speak. And second, why talk about yourself in the third person? I don't get that.
Anyway, Melissa totally breaks down and says she's sorry she offended him, sorry she told him not to talk to her, she didn't mean it, she wants to talk to him, she genuinely likes him, she didn't mean to hurt him, and she's really, really sorry. But wait, there's more. She starts crying and says she doesn't know what else to tell him and she wants him to accept her apology, and she doesn't want to have tension between them, and she really, really likes him and she didn't mean to hurt him. David just stands there, staring at her, stone-faced, while you know in his head, he's thinking, "Ah, now I've got you where I want you." Could he be any more emotionally manipulative? And Melissa is playing right into his hands. In an interview, David says that when Melissa started crying, the "wall [he] was building" slowly started to crumble. In other words, he got his way. Melissa snivels some more that she didn't mean it when she told him not to talk to her, as David takes her hand and pulls her into a hug. In an interview, Melissa says that she didn't apologize because she drank, she apologized to smooth things over so "the whole house" can live comfortably with him, and that's something she needs in the house. And that is all bullshit, in my opinion, or Melissa is a lot better actress than I give her credit for, because that apology seemed pretty sincere.
week: The group finds out they will be working at a television station. Their new boss yells at them for being late on the first day, but I bet he doesn't give them a car, like Calvin did in Hawaii. He seems a lot meaner than Calvin. Woo hoo! Also, Melissa dates a new guy who treats her well.
Over the credits, Melissa reads a poem her father wrote for her, which was pretty funny, except that at one point he called her his "youngest" when she is actually the middle child, like did he not know?