Rachel's doughy Army boyfriend Erik and terrible, drippy-eyed little poodle dog Reese are coming to visit. Rachel is excited because of all the (vomit) sex she and Erik are going to have. Danny reveals to Mel that he's planning on calling the detective to find the guy who broke his head. Mel tells him to go the legal road, and instead take out his aggression on her in bed. Again, vomit. Rachel is nervous about seeing Erik because they're actually on a break and she's not sure how she's going to feel. Rachel wears a shirt that reads "I [heart] Erik" to the airport. Seriously, the dog is terrible. They immediately try to drown it in the pool. In bed, Rachel realizes that she doesn't want to kiss Erik (let alone have sex) and feels like he's her brother. Erik tells Wes that in the Army the "comm-a-dery is off the hook." "Ah, for sure," agrees Wes. They all go to a bar. Danny drunkenly tells Erik he's going to marry Mel. Rachel once again disses Erik. Reese shits on the bathroom rug. Danny meets with the detective. Erik foolishly chooses to talk to Lacey about his relationship problems. Lacey excitedly talks shit about Rachel and the break; Rachel overhears it all. Rachel and Erik go to get crappy Chinese food as Rachel busts Erik on the Lacey convo. Rachel cries, so they don't eat food, and leave. They sit under a tree and kind of break up. Because Rachel sucks hard, Wes and Neh plan to throw a "vagina-fest" "groupie" party for Erik at a club's VIP area. Rachel bitches to Erik that this party hurts her. Rachel sees all the hos and gets scared thattshe's going to "lose" Erik. Stupid Erik turns down the hos "for" Rachel. Erik leaves without getting any sex and having basically broken up with the girl he thought he was going to marry. Good trip!
Opening credits are going the way of the dodo as increased commercial time makes producers less willing to devote thirty precious seconds to having a full opening credit sequence. (Think Lost.) So enjoy Mel jiggling her giant fake boobs while you still can.
Man, I'm glad SXSW is over. So is Danny, I'm sure, so Mel won't be indiscriminately blowing anyone but him. Austin. Austin. Traffic. Mural. Bridge. Warehouse. Rachel talks to her boyfriend Erik on the phone. He sounds very happy and cheerful...and whipped to within an inch of his life. She tells him about all the loving she's going to be treating him to when he arrives. Also, while they're having sex, someone will watch their dog, which he's bringing. Vomit, and also, VOMIT! Rachel camera-lies about how excited she is to see the dog. Oh yeah, and the pudgy guy at the other end of the leash. She and Erik exchange schmoopies until she gets off the phone, visions of slapping flab with Erik dancing around in her brain...along with the PTSD and all those Jacob's Ladder drugs the U.S. government still tests on soldiers. Rachel asks Danny and Mel if her "tiny and cute" dog can come visit with Erik. Johanna says it's fine. Wes fucks with her about being allergic to "white-haired dogs" until he gets tired of distracting himself from all the sex he's not getting from Johanna, and agrees to a visit from "Reese."
Street. Danny and Mel walk, holding hands. Danny tells Mel that he hasn't called the detective yet. He says he's going to, though. Danny then camera-talks, of course first saying that he'd rather beat the guy's ass, but then saying that, in the long run, it's going to be better if he presses charges on "this kid." He tells Mel that he doesn't want the "little shit" to get away with it. Danny and Mel then launch into some discarded Monica and Chandler dialogue from the last season of Friends: "Take your aggression out on me, in bed." "The whole two seconds?" Wah-wah. (Oh, and also, VOMIT!)
Rain. Puddle. Pipe. Rain. Warehouse. Danny calls Detective Jerry Sullivan, explaining to us, because he thinks we can't put two and two together, that Sullivan is going to help him put his case together. Sully (can I call him Sully?) asks Danny to describe what happened, and Danny describes leaving a bar and being harassed (we see this all happen in flashback -- with bonus "dramatic" heartbeat sound effects thrown in for extra blah-citement!) Then someone pushed Wes, and Danny went over to help, and somehow he ended up on the ground (he conveniently leaves out how he got there) and some dude caved his face in; he broke four bones in his face and required plastic surgery. (Yikes. I wonder if he went to Mel's plastic surgeon.) Because Sully clearly has no idea whom he's dealing with and hasn't worked on the case at all, he asks Danny whether he got a good look at the guy who knocked his eye into his brain. Danny reveals that they have it all on tape. We see that Danny had a Livestrong bracelet on during the fight. Yeah, that didn't really protect him, did it? He should have worn a "Don't Cave My Face In" bracelet instead. Sully tells Danny to come in, and to bring the tape. While Danny camera-talks about it hurting every day, still, and not wanting the kid to be able to laugh and brag about it to his friends, we see photos of Danny's face from the hospital. Yowza.
Austin. Pigeons. Rain. A tree. Rachel gets into a cab to the airport. She tells us she's a little nervous, because she and Erik have never been apart this long, and she knows Erik wants the "break" they're on to be over, but she's not sure how she's going to feel when she sees him. For someone so unsure of her relationship, she sure has enough certainty (or complete lack of taste and fashion sense) to wear a tank top that reads "I [heart] Erik."
Airport. Rachel waits. Erik descends, carrying the worst little dog I've ever seen. He's wearing a sweater! The dog, not Erik. They kiss very unconvincingly. Erik, not the dog. Uh-oh. Something tells me the break will go on. Just like Celine Dion's heart. Unfortunately.
Warehouse. Lacey talks to her squeeish boyfriend Ryan, as usual, on the phone. She bitches about Rachel being on a break with Erik while he is still putting money in a separate bank account to save up for the ring he's going to buy her someday. Erik really should save up to buy his balls back. Lacey can't believe Erik would do that while he and Rachel are on a break. Lacey then camera-sours about breaks being disrespectful. By way of empathizing with Erik, she adds, "If I'm not good enough now, I won't be good enough later." Right and right, Ms. Gabsalot. You're not and you won't be. Do you think Ryan ever just puts down the phone, rolls to the kitchen to fix himself something to eat, getting a glass down from the short cabinet for some milk, and then rolls back, picks up the phone to hear Lacey still talking, having not noticed he was gone? I bet he does, too. She continues to bitch about Rachel, saying that she and Erik don't "talk" about things much; she doubts Rachel loves him. Well, she's right on that account. Lacey says she's not sure she can even meet this guy. Ha, and, bitch!
Outside. They pull up in the cab. "Are you ready?" Rachel asks Erik.
Rachel introduces Erik (and horrible, hideous Reese) to Neh and Danny and Mel. Danny picks Reese up and asks if he can swim. They reveal he's never tried, and they decide to put him in the pool. Mel suggests putting him in the hot tub, but unfortunately no one listens to her. Shoot. They put him in the pool. He swims and then runs around the house barking and shaking, excited. Or dying of hypothermia.
Night. Warehouse. The dog is still shaking. Hee. Rachel and Erik head to bed, Rachel continually referring to and talking to the dog. God, how do you get into a relationship like that with someone like that?
Bedroom. Erik and Rachel get into bed, the horrible dog jumping and bouncing all over them. Erik kisses her, and she pulls away and says she doesn't want to have sex, making a sour face. Wow. Erik asks if she wants to kiss him, and she continues the sour face, and he asks what's wrong, and she whines that she wants to get used to him again. "What's wrong, babe? I haven't seen you in so long." I'll tell you what's wrong. He's allowed himself to get pussified in his woman's eyes (carrying around purse dog like he's Paris Hilton? Are you kidding me?), and therefore she's no longer attracted to him. She then camera-talks to us that very same thing -- that she's confused, and that there's not that "chemistry" there anymore, and that she feels like Erik's her brother. She asks if he can just hold her and take a nap with her, and he says, "Of course." Wrong. The correct answer is, "Fuck you and your drippy-eyed dog. I'm going to go fuck that slutty blonde in the room and then go drink at some bars with Wes." Commercials.
Night. Warehouse. Rachel sleeps. Erik gets up and plays foosball with Wes. Eh, it's a start. Wes camera-pales to us that Erik flew across the country to visit Rachel, and that she's being very stand-offish. They chat, Wes asking if Erik misses being in the Army. Erik feels that, in the Army, the "comm-a-dery is off the hook," and that you can't find stuff like that at college. "Ah, for sure," agrees Wes. Wes goes on to say that Erik strikes him as a stereotypical Army guy, very nice and always there to help, and that Wes likes him. Erik reveals that he and Rachel trusted each other with their lives and were on a machine-gunning team. Wes goes on to say that he knew he'd like Erik because "he's never met one man in the military [he hasn't] liked." Well then! They head off to a bar.
Night. Austin. Oh, Rachel's up. The crew all heads out to the crap bar they always go to. Danny is drunk and wearing his dope felt hat and tells Erik that he dated a girl for five years and a girl for two and a half years. He winds up by pointing at Mel and saying, "I will end up marrying that girl right there. I will marry that girl." But that could just be the shards in his brain talking. So then Erik gets inspired by that and drunkenly tells Rachel he's not the only sappy emotional one talking about marriage...and Rachel quickly says, "I know, babe. We'll talk about it later." "Fine," says Erik. Rachel pouts and asks, "Do you hate me now?" Again, the answer is, "Yes, suckbag." But instead Erik answers, "No." Rachel then says, "Cuz I don't want to have sex with you, you hate me?" Rachel then camera-lies that she thinks having sex with Erik would make her want to be with him, and that she doesn't want that to influence her "ultimate" decision. They kiss chastely and agree to talk about it tomorrow.
Rachel then camera-flabs that she can't believe Lacey, and that she's like a snake to her. To us, too. And to, like, snakes.
Erik is getting more and more bold, saying that Rachel is a "cocktease," and that it's fucked up. Lacey ends by saying Erik needs to do what is good for him, because Rachel has certainly been doing what's good for her. You know what's good for me? Commercials.
Back. Night. Austin. Downtown. PF Chang. Rachel and Erik wait for a seat at the popular crap ChinaChain. Rachel tries to bust Erik, getting all, "The house has no doors," admitting that she heard him talking to Lacey. Erik replies calmly that he had to talk to someone. Ooh, burn? Rachel says that Mac Tonight is the person she's least close to in the house. Rachel camera-snots that Lacey is trying to cause problems, but that she doesn't want to confront her because she knows she'll lie. Now Rachel is getting all pouty as Erik says that Lacey had a lot of good points -- and they leave, without having eaten giant portions of sub-par MSG-riddled Chinese food. Wow. Rachel may make a good machine-gun partner, but as a girlfriend, not so good.
Outside. Rachel starts huffing and crying, talking a mile a minute about how she doesn't want Erik to think she doesn't love him just because she has to get "stuff" out of her system, or discredit everything she's felt just by listening to "stupid Lacey." So let me understand this: Rachel teases Erik with the promise of lots of sex in order to get him to come and bring their awful dog for a visit, but then doesn't want to have sex once he gets there. And then doesn't want him to get mad about not having sex. And then she doesn't want to discuss whether they have a future. And then also she doesn't want him to discuss it with anyone else. Yeah, no, that's cool. She's not asking much. Totally within her rights.
Suddenly, Erik and Rachel are sitting under a tree and Rachel asks what they are going to "be" and says that she doesn't want to talk about it again after this night. This is probably the ninth time in this episode where Erik should get up and walk away. But instead, he says it sounds like it's up to her. She says she doesn't want to hurt him while she does what she has to go do (which is...?), so would it hurt less for them to be on a break or to be "just friends" for the two months? Slap her. Slap her! Rachel camera-double-chins her exact level of immaturity, saying that she isn't in love with Erik anymore but doesn't want to lose him while she cats around. She wants her pussboy and not have to eat it too. Or something like that. I guess they've chosen to split for now because he says that, three days ago, he thought they were going to get married, and now they're split up. He whines that Reese has "divorced parents." Rachel says they're just "separated." I vomit.
Back at the warehouse, Wes throws a basketball at the wall while talking to Erik, who leans out of an upstairs interior window. Wes announces that they're reserving the VIP room at the "R-Bar," and that they're going to call every girl in their "groupie drawer," the ones who have been "riding [their] nuts," and get them to come down to the club. Neh is laughing somewhere, and Rachel is standing right behind Wes, aghast. Wes camera-ghosts that he feels bad for Erik, since nice guys finish last, and therefore he and Neh want to show Erik a good time. Wes tells Erik that it will be a "vagina-fest." Well, at least he didn't say "Vaginapalooza." That's something. Wes tells Erik just not to tell Rachel, and Rachel reveals she's standing right behind Wes. He pretend he didn't know, and Rachel doesn't get that, so she calls him an "idiot" and says she's been standing there for five minutes. Erik jokes that he'll make sure not to tell Rachel. It's fun to watch Rachel forced to lie in the bed she just made. Much more fun than watching her actually in bed, that's for sure.
Neh and Wes dig through a list of girlie phone numbers.
Phone room. Neh and Wes make phone calls as Erik watches. Wes tells Erik that he called a sorority girl and told her Erik is the head of development for a reality show about sorority girls, and that she should bring ten girls to the bar where Erik will be holding a mini-tryout. Erik laughs, excited.
Rachel then bitches to Erik that just because she said they're on break, he's now going to go "hog wild" in front of her? Erik loses once again by not saying, "Yeah! I'm having me a vagina-fest!" Instead, he says that it wasn't his idea. She says that she hasn't been disrespectful of him, and that it hurts her to see him with other girls. He counters that they decided to be honest with each other, and that this is what happens when you've broken up. Rachel whines in that voice that makes me want to kick her in her man-balls, "We're not broken uh-up." Kick her! In the balls!
Later. Neh and Wes and Erik leave and start walking, discussing their "producer" story.
R-Bar. "VIP" room, which is really just a basement. There are a bunch of girls, and the poor girls are labeled "Groupie #1" etc. by the Graphics of Stupid. Wes camera-pales that he's not trying to hook Erik up, but rather just to show him a good time and also show Rachel what she could be missing. Erik is mostly just standing against the wall having a beer, though.
Now here come Rachel, Johanna, and Lacey (Lacey?! -- I don't think I've ever seen her outside that phone room) strutting down the street all wearing cowboy boots. Inside, Rachel asks Erik if he's having fun, and if the boys are trying to hook him up. Rachel camera-talks that of course she's going to be upset if she has to watch Erik hook up with other girls. Then, you know, leave! Erik tells her that it's his "game," and then he's with Wes as Wes tries to do some Wingman action, talking about the fake producer gig. Rachel can't shut up -- she's been hanging around Lacey too long, clearly -- and butts in again to tell us that she's scared of losing Erik and doesn't want this "break" to separate them forever. Rachel leaves, and one of the groupies says of her, "I like her cowboy boots." Hee.
Now Wes camera-fibs that by the end of the night, two girls (and they seem to indicate the two, who are going to be hella pissed when they discover B/M have been pouring editing lies all over them) were offering to take Erik home but he declined, saying, "I love Rachel. I'm going home." We see him running up the stairs of the warehouse. Pussy.
Day. River. Boat. Warehouse. Sully calls, telling Danny's broken skull that the warrant is out and that they're putting out a photo, and hopefully the perp will be picked up that very night. Danny thanks Sully and hangs up, and then immediately camera-talks, trying again to justify his ratting to the cops. He paints himself into a verbal corner, saying that it's not revenge, but rather...trying to get back what he lost. Which is a lot. Uh-huh. Sure.
Kitchen. Danny, looking proud, tells Wes that the "kid" is facing anywhere from five to twenty years in prison or up to five hundred thousand dollars in fines. Wow. Mel hopes he gets "both." Dude. Wasn't it just a bar fight? That's a lot of years for cold-cocking someone in the head a little too hard and caving in his skull. I mean, who hasn't done that?
Rachel and Erik have a disgustingly schmoopy goodbye, as Reese runs around, probably shitting on things. Like, hopefully, the sleeping Wes. Rachel asks if he had fun, and Erik lies that he did. He hugs Mel. Mel camera-hos that Erik clearly wants to spend his life with Rachel, and that it's "heartbreaking" that Rachel doesn't and that she still needs to decide what to do.
Outside, Erik gets into the cab and he and Rachel say they love each other and he takes Reese and says he'll see her in two months.
Rachel now camera-justifies, saying she thinks Erik left hurt and disappointed, but that he's "got to understand" that it's better to tell the truth now than to get married and be in an "unsure" situation. We see her cooking matzo ball soup for herself as she goes on to say that she's sad, but that she thinks she needs to get "rid of" her party-girl side so she can embrace her "housewife, grownup" side. Ew. Wes laughs at Rachel for eating matzo ball soup "again." She responds that she's sad Erik left and she needs "to eat some comfort food and a gossip magazine." She really shouldn't eat a magazine. Too many poison inks. Wes laughs. Suddenly, Wes starts all creepily whispering and asks, "Did you ever have sex with him?" busting her for saying she was going to have "a lot" of sex with Erik before he came out. She babbles that she thinks it would have just made things harder, and as Johanna arrives in the kitchen, Wes asks if Rachel wants him to get all "Dr. Phil" on her ass. Wes then camera-talks that Rachel doesn't know what she wants, and that he thinks she needs to be in a relationship -- that she's no good at being single. Wes tells Rachel, "You just suck at life." Ha. Who knew Wes was funny? What if we've had him wrong all along?
Nah.
On the ...they have to make a rough assembly of their footage to show to the Austin Film Society, or they can't go on their trip, but their editing computers freeze. Wow. An episode about computer difficulties. I can't wait! Ooh, I hope they call a help desk.