Okay, so last "week," we left Sharon sitting in the grass being all offended by the fact that dinner was being killed right in front of her. Well, she's still there in the grass. We get to see the goat killed all over again, except this time in much more detail. Kat, Jacinda, and Neil gather around the goat, the filtered sunlight of dusk making them all look like they're in a Ralph Lauren ad. In a voice-over, Lars comments on the strange way the tribesmen killed the goat. Apparently, they suffocated it by sitting on it or something. Apparently they didn't realize that it would be quicker to bore the goat to death by making it watch the entire London season of The Real World. No, some things are inhumane punishments even for the lesser creatures of God's kingdom. Once the goat is dead, the Masai warriors stick a knife inside it and drink its blood. Okay, so it's not the easiest thing to watch, but the gang sans Sharon gather around and either go "ew!" or laugh. Does anyone have a clue as to how to act normal in the African grasslands? Jay pronounces the experience of watching this all take place "different." Yes, Jay, it is "different," since usually the meat that you consume is killed in a place where you don't have to watch. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not a vegetarian or anything. I don't even make a point of shopping for free-range meats and so forth, but don't get me started on people who find it ghastly to watch their dinner being killed in front of them like somehow the McDonald's burger they just ate just happened to die of old age or something. We see Sharon sitting in the grass again while she voice-overs some more about "living beings" and the sanctity of life. She adds, however, that she respects the Masai and understands why they "had to kill the goat." Yeah, Sharon, it's called food. Maybe if you checked out a National Geographic in your dentist's office once in a while, you might know that there aren't all that many salad bars in the African grasslands. Therefore, Sharon continues, it wouldn't have made any sense for her to "liberate the goat." True, it wouldn't have made any sense for her to liberate the goat, but at least it would have been fun to watch Sharon running while being chased through the grasslands by Masai warriors. I mean, hi, it's the second to last episode. Couldn't something happen, please? I gave up on sexual encounters between the housemates long ago, but couldn't someone do something daring and nihilistic? But no, instead we get an interminable rap session among the housemates about what Sharon should or shouldn't have done to be true to her beliefs.
Okay, remember that scene at the end of Schindler's List when, just as your butt is falling asleep and you think this movie is going to end already, Liam Neeson just has to give this self-serving speech about how he could have saved so many more people if he only tried harder? I mean, even Elie Wiesel is sitting there in the audience going, "Hey, Spielberg, you've gotten your good Jew cred with this movie already, so can you wrap it up? I've got reservations at Nobu and my low blood sugar is about kick in." Seriously, even Shoah, the eight-hour holocaust documentary, had tighter editing. Sharon has one of those moments. She even cries over the fact that she "allowed it to happen." Um, don't get me wrong. I have tremendous respect for vegetarians. I'd even be one myself if it weren't for these delicious bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches from the twenty-four-hour deli door that always seem to find themselves in my gullet at 4 AM after a night of drinking. But the truth is, I have never met a vegetarian who believes that killing animals is intrinsically wrong. Everyone knows that the food chain is simply a way of life. Even the most militant vegans that I know will say that they would eat meat if they lived in a culture where the meat was hunted and killed locally. The problem with meat is not the killing per se, it's the fact that in the "civilized world," the raising and slaughter of livestock is completely mechanized and industrialized. We're eating animals that have been imprisoned all their lives and injected full of chemicals. Yes, it's not fun to watch your dinner being slaughtered in front of you, but at least we know that this goat had a natural life before it got captured in an honest to goodness hunt. Let's face it, witnessing slaughter forces you to deal with the reality of your dinner a lot more than it is to sidle up to the charcuterie counter at Balducci's and order a veal chop. Like where was Sharon "murder offends me" Gitau when Lars was popping all that sausage into his mouth in episode ten. But yes, Sharon needs her attention fix every so often, and boy, is she getting it.
Neil enters the Sharon pro-goat powwow, and points out to her that the goat "knew" that Sharon didn't approve. Uh, like a goat being suffocated to death gave a rat's ass what some self-centered, attention-staved chatterbox was thinking at the time. Finally, it gets really dark, and the housemates start to leave Sharon to sulk by herself. Jacinda tries to get Sharon to come back to the campsite, warning her about lions and other wild animals that might be out. In an interview, Jacinda tells us that Sharon refused to come near the place where the goat was slaughtered until "every scrap was removed." Neil tells the others that "maybe this shouldn't have happened." Uh, yeah, Neil, I'm sure the Masai are just dying for you to some to their country for a week or two and tell them how to live their lives. "Yeah, our civilization has been going this way for thousands of years, but this British boy with bleached spiky hair took an Intro Anthropology course at Oxford and he's in an unsigned punk band. Let's see if he can give us some pointers."
Dixon and one of the warriors approach Sharon and warn her about the wild animals. Sharon claims that she's enjoying her solitude. Dixon offers her some goat blood. Heh. Sharon explains that she's a vegetarian for "religious reasons." Dixon and the warrior ask her what she eats if she doesn't eat meat. "Carrots, potatoes," she says. "So many things. Have you ever heard of soya?" I know I sound like a complete bitch right now but if Sharon truly subsisted solely on carrots, potatoes, and tofu, she'd be a lot thinner.
Back at the campsite, Jacinda is concerned because Sharon is still up there by herself and "she's afraid of the dark." Funny how Sharon's fear of the dark magically dissipates when her absence makes her the center of attention. Nick "Indiana Jones-type" Wood tells Jacinda that from now on they're going to make a separate fire away from the campsite to cook the meat. "Sharon is more important than the meat," says Nick. No comment. Meanwhile Sharon gets a marriage proposition from a Masai warrior. Jeez, I know Masai culture is primitive and all, but I didn't think they were completely without standards. Sharon laughs and tells Dixon to thank the Masai warrior all the same, but that she'd "have to eat goat and that would never happen." Yeah, more like Sharon can't live without a telephone and her hair dryer. Jacinda approaches them and tells Sharon that Nick moved the fire so now Sharon can come down and join the others. "Oh, god!" says Sharon, all faux modest. "They didn't have to do that." Whatever.
In an interview, Sharon tells us that because she "didn't do anything" to save the goat, she went on a fast for the day to honor the goat's passing. Well, I'm still waiting to see what Sharon does to honor the eleven hours of our lives that we'll never get back watching her and her self-absorbed housemates do absolutely nothing. The gang sits around the fire and eats dinner the night. Everyone asks Sharon whether she feels left out because she's not eating. Sharon protests that she doesn't want to be the center of attention. Well, Sharon, it's easier not to be the center of attention if you're not the only person standing up and drinking a Corona. I guess this is what's known as a fermented-barley-and-hops fast. I hear it's very spiritual. Although she "doesn't want to talk about it," Sharon explains her fast to the group. "I'm making an action," she says. You're drinking beer on an empty stomach, Sharon. That's not an "action," that's a "party." Meanwhile, I'm craving a freshly killed free-range goat meat sandwich. I hear they're delicious on grilled ciabatta bread with fontina cheese, red onion mayo, and some caramelized onions.
When we get back from a commercial break, Paul Simon is singing something off his Graceland album, 'cause that's the one that was all African and stuff. The Masai warriors are braiding Kat's hair by the fire. This makes her girlishly giddy, for some reason, and she subsequently gets a marriage proposal from one of the Masai warriors. Jacinda gets her hair braided again; another Masai warrior asks for her hand in marriage. Only, unlike Sharon's and Kat's suitors, this guy wants to marry Jacinda and leave Africa with her. He asks through Dixon whether Jacinda has any cattle where she comes from. "I have a dog," replies Jacinda. Heh. Apparently this leads them to believe that Jacinda is poor because she doesn't own any livestock. It also slips out that the color of Kat's, Jacinda's, and Neil's skin is ugly to the Masai. Then Neil accuses Jacinda of flirting with the Masai like "flirting with the natives" is something naughty akin to "feeding the bears" at the zoo. "The Masai is the Masai," says Jacinda in an interview. "If I never come here again, I'll never see them again." To illustrate just how different and exotic the Masai are, we are treated to yet another sequence of shots of the Masai doing what they do best: dancing, singing, and chanting in that wacky crazy Masai way. Neil makes a tape with a handheld audio recorder. Apparently, these tribal rhythms inspire him. Get in line, Neil. I believe Paul Simon beat you by a few years, and even then he was copying David Byrne. In an interview, Neil draws a parallel between the machismo and posturing in their music and that of hip hop. Yeah, I read that Henry Louis Gates article in The New York Times Magazine as well, Neil. Give it a rest. Jacinda drags out her video camera and shows the natives the miracle of modern technology. In an interview, Mike makes some statement about how enriching it was to meet the Masai.
For some reason, this all leads to a discussion around the campfire about Neil's and Lars's friendship. Neil announces that he and Lars are "closer than any two Europeans you'd ever meet." Really? I can't even recall seeing them doing anything together, and it's not like they've known each other for more than a few months. Mike agrees and points out that Lars and Neil are even closer than he and Jay are. If Lars and Neil are closer than Jay and Mike, then Lars and Neil must have had a commitment ceremony in Vermont and pooled their life savings to open up a bed and breakfast in Bucks County in some episode that I missed. So anyway, Neil feels the need to tell Lars that there are ways he approaches people that Neil finds "offensive and arrogant." Okay, Neil. Just because that goat was roasted on an open fire without western cooking utensils doesn't mean that the pot ain't just as black as the kettle. Neil admits that perhaps Lars is just being "German." Lars counters that the English keep everything to themselves. Oh how I wish Neil were a stereotypical Englishman who kept stuff to himself. The mountain-bike incident is brought up again. Neil says he'd never express himself the way Lars did when he was upset over his bike being stolen. Lars says that the English are too "polite." Neil's too polite? Did I miss another episode? Is it backwards day? Am I high? Mike decides to get on the stupid train with everyone else, and tells the group something forgettable about American culture. This brings Neil back to Masai culture, which he informs us has existed for thousands of years. I guess this means that the lesson for today is different strokes for different folks...or something. Neil points out that Mike helped Neil realize that not all American frat boys are "stupid [bleep]s." Thanks, Neil, for not keeping the rudeness inside like a stereotypical Englishman, or anything. Africa has really enriched you. Lars bitches out Mike for not saying hello to Lars when they first met. "You just said, 'What do you do?'" But everyone agrees that they get along anyway. Group hug. Lilith Fair caterwauling. You know, all that bonding before everyone says goodbye? It starts now.
The morning, as Sharon tells us in a voice-over, the boys get up in time to see the sun rise despite being "totally smashed" the night before. According to Mike, the view of the valley is "breathtaking." Finally, everyone gets up. Sharon remains in her sleeping bag for a few extra minutes, obviously pondering how much more drama she can wring out of the goat incident. Eventually, the gang is loaded into the chain-gang Jeep once more, and they drive around and look at stuff. Jay, in a voice-over, points out that Africa wasn't a "real vacation" in the sense that they were able to "relax." Yes, travel is stressful, Jay, but only when you have to worry about money, language barriers, passports, safety, and getting lost. Considering the fact that MTV arranged this entire trip where you are being waited on hand and foot by Dixon and the Masai warriors and followed around by television cameras to boot, you may want to rethink that last statement. However, Jay feels enriched by the "experience" of being in Africa. All of a sudden the word "experience" starts being tossed around a lot. Mike gives an interview in which he talks about the Africa "experience" and how a lot of "truths" came out. To illustrate, Sharon says something feministy which has nothing to do with anything else that is being discussed. This causes everyone to pile on Sharon for being so secretive about her personal life. Sharon says that she can't afford to reveal the fragile parts of her personality because they will be mocked. Jay points out that Sharon is mocked precisely because she's so private and secretive. Of course, he's forgetting the part about her being a loud, self-centered, over-sensitive megalomaniac, but nevertheless, he's kind of onto something. This inspires Sharon to...uh, share.
Sharon's share is the subject of quite a lot of scrutiny by Real World viewers. Many people have conflicting ideas about what exactly she's talking about. Basically, Sharon admits to being uncomfortable with her "sexuality" until very recently due to the fact that she's the only child of a single mother. Now, by "sexuality," does Sharon mean that she's a lesbian? Is Sharon one of those artsy girls who gets so little action that she likes to drop hints that she's actually gay in order to make it seem like she actually has an interesting sex life? Or is Sharon simply talking about sexuality in general apart from the gay vs. straight thing. Sharon also tearfully refers to an "incident" in her past that I suppose could be sexual abuse or something. But then again, details are sketchy, and the editing is such that it's entirely possible Sharon is referring to a bad date or something perfectly innocuous. Maybe somewhere in all of this, there's a pet goat who fended off her sexual perpetrators. Who knows? Regardless, Bunim-Murray sure wants us to think that Sharon is the love child of Anne Heche and LaToya Jackson. Neil eats this up with a spoon; in an interview, he reveals that he saw Sharon have an "opinion" about something, which dramatically changed his view of her. In an interview, Sharon says that she was trying to let everyone know that she wasn't intentionally excluding everyone from her life. Mike proclaims in an interview that Sharon's confession brought everything to a whole new level. Yeah, it's been a good fourteen or fifteen minutes since we've seen Sharon cry about something personal.
At sunrise the day, it's time to go on a balloon ride. Balloons are awesome. I used to play with them in gym class. The housemates go up in the air and check out the pretty scenery and the gazelles. Then we get interviews with the cast in which everyone talks about how pretty the scenery is. Finally, the balloon lands. When it hits the ground, the passenger basket falls over. Unfortunately, no one is hurt. In fact everyone is in pretty good spirits. Although no explanation is given, a champagne breakfast is waiting for them, complete with Beef Wellington and something Jacinda refers to as "mango things." Maybe I'm reading too much into this but there's a significant close-up of Mike biting into a long phallic roll followed by a shot of Jay taking a sip from a long phallic coke bottle. Does Sharon have a dilemma about the cow whose dead body provided the Beef Wellington? Of course not. "I thought I'd be more uncomfortable with this decadence," says Neil in an interview. "But you fall into it quite easily." Right, because Neil has been nothing less than a model of austerity and discipline this entire season. I think he even had a job for a week or so. And that straw panama hat paired with white collared dress shirts and ties are so indicative of Neil's solidarity with the non-land-owning working class. And how much more proletariat can you get with bleached blond hair and jewelry?
It's time to give out "certificates." For what, I have no idea. I guess this trip to Africa was so grueling and relevant, the Attention Deficit Gang needs props or something. Lars speaks first. He presents a certificate to an emotional girl he really likes. "We all love her," he says, presenting the certificate to Jay Frank. Hee! Jay runs up to Lars and dry-humps him, but we're all supposed to think Jay's just joking around. Jacinda presents a certificate to "the man of [her] dreams, Mike Johnson." Whatever. Mike presents a certificate to Sharon and pretends to cry over the fact that he won't be living with her after this is all over. They hug for a long time. Either no one else gets a certificate, or they chose not to show any more presentations. , the gang goes to some open-air market; then they get on a plane to Nairobi, avail themselves of the hotel swimming pool, and thing you know, they're home. Legend greets Jacinda at the front door. I hope some MTV intern was walking and feeding him. The episode ends with a shot of Attention Deficit Manor's exterior, as Masai chanting is heard like a ghostly cry in the background. Yeah, we get it. It was an experience.