Melissa and her boyfriend Cesar (insert all salad, Julius/Brutus, and bad haircut jokes here) walk into a fancy Miami restaurant. Boy, Miami is pretty. That Radiohead song, "Don't leave me hiiiigh!" plays AGAIN, and I'm like, could you guys over at Bunim-Murray have sprung for a few more songs? The repetition is killing me. So, Melissa and Cesar snuggle at dinner, and she puts her head on his shoulder as he drives, and we learn that they've been dating for four months. She fell for him when he held out his hand for her to help her out of the car. Hooray for chivalry. Isn't snuggly love and dating incredibly boring for people not in it? I thought so.
Beck sings "Where it's at!" as Arnie drives up to meet Dan. Dan makes an "Rrrrr!" noise as Arnie pulls to a stop. Arnie is a criminal defense attorney, and mellow, and quiet. Dan drools, "I had to snatch him up." Nice snatch, heh. They go on their first date. Dan talks (and talks and talks and talks) about stuff, and thank goodness Arnie is into listening. Dan mentions what wonderful parents he has (aww!) and that though they were cool about him coming out, they never ask about his dates or who he's dating. Arnie manages to get in the rhetorical "whose life are you living, yours or your parents?" FINALLY Dan offers a "what about you?" to Arnie, and Arnie says he isn't out to his parents yet. Dan makes about a million faces and bugs his eyes out to here and says, "They're gonna [know] SOON!" Very true. In fact, the whole world will know soon. And we all still know! Arnie is gay. Gay gay gay!
Another business meeting. No, nothing's been decided yet. Joe says they've gotten a lot of "cool info" from the city about Florida business statutes, tax laws, blah blah blah paperworkcakes. Only Sarah asks to see it. The others look as blank as chalkboards in August. In voice-over Joe says, "People should wanna know this stuff." Oh, but they don't, and you're frustrated, and nothing's happening yet? WE. GOT. IT. When Joe asks if there's any new business, Cynthia says yeah, they need to organize a cleaning crew because the house is a mess. That makes Joe sad. He meant new business stuff, not house stuff! Oh, boo hoo.
Oh man, it's that damn Mariah Carey song AGAIN! Melissa, Cesar, and Cyn are all driving somewhere, and Melissa is saying how she wanted Cesar for so long, and that it took forever to get him, and he pulls out chairs and opens doors and GIRL! And Cyn says Melissa should hold on to him then. Cesar calls Melissa his "precious little diamond." Gack.
Dan and Arnie, in snuggle-cocoon number two, are also having a great time. Hooray for them. Yawn.
Dan says he wants to show Arnie photos of himself in drag. My eyeballs start to burn; Dan would probably look like a young Bea Arthur in drag. Just add seventies clothes and -- poof! And then there's Maude! His incessant repetition of the word "horrendous" attached to the Dan-in-drag general debacle does nothing to quell my fears. Thankgodfully (tm xix), we see no such photos. Whew!
The two lie in a hammock together, head to foot. Arnie talks wistfully about seeing George Bush speak (the former president, not G. Dub or even George P.), and that "he's so cool." Exsqueeze me? I bet Arnie lives in a log cabin somewhere. Dan says incredulously, "You like George Bush? You are so craaaazy!" Someone get Dan on the McLaughlin Group, stat. The moon in the sky shines like a big pizza pie as they play in the pool together. Oh, YAWN, this happy stuff is SO boring. Dan wraps himself in a curtain like Carmen Miranda, they wrestle playfully on a bed, go out and wear funny hats in public, we GET. IT. Dan and Arnie dig each other.
The Wallflowers play "5th Avenue Heartache." It's 2 a.m. Cesar comes over to the house with a few friends. They are not quiet. They all take a loud, drunken tour until finally Joe complains and Melissa has to herd them all out. G'wan -- you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Cesar looks pissed, but hey, it's common courtesy, dude. In a voice-over Melissa says that he's become "really really really jealous and really really really possessive," and that lately she's seen a side of him she's never seen before.
The "Don't leave me hiiiigh!" song is playing AGAIN. Melissa is griping to Cynthia about Cesar. She was with him "four days in a row!" and he's still pissy. "He thinks I'm not going to need him anymore!" There will always be doors that need opening, unless we move quickly into the future and have those cool Star Trek doors that make that whoosh! noise. But that hasn't happened...yet. Cyn gets all wise and says, "You know what the problem is...he has to share you with something right now, and he doesn't like that." Melissa says she's used to "a lot less arguing," and Cyn adds that it's "not a healthy relationship." Well, bring on the drama, we're primed and ready!
Dan's on the phone with Arnie, wheedling for a date. Finally he says, "Just come over and plaaay with meee," and Mike, Joe, and Sarah, all within earshot, immediately start busting on him. Mike says, "Little Danny handy baby has no one to play with!" Heh. But Mike is still a lunkhead.
Brandy sings her "Sittin' Up In My Room" song, and once again, the music makes me queasy. Arnie arrives, and he and Dan smoochy-smooch through the glass panel by the front door. They get into Arnie's car and drive off to dinner. Voice-over of Dan talking about rules and relationships evolving. This is BORING. In the restaurant, Dan says, "I'm having a spasm in my leg." Arnie says, "Like the one I had last night?" He giggles, and then Dan goes over and spills poster paints down Arnie's Garanimals. Dan says, "You never stop thinking about sex, do you?" Arnie says that had nothing to do with sex and that he was joking. RIGHT.
Joe's on the phone, being all business-like and stuff. "We've come down here to start a business...we've been given a certain amount of start-up capital...what we're looking for is people who know the area that can tell us the type of business the area needs." WHAT!? Did Joe just ask the Miami Chamber of Commerce (and so says the arrow pointing to the phone) WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS the roomies should start up? If I ever had any respect for Joe (scanning for respect -- sorry, the scan reveals no data), it's absolutely gone now. Jesus, if anyone gave me cash and a deadline I'd have ideas to choose from, not like these chuckleheads. Ever see Stigmata? The beauty parlor where Patricia Arquette works is too cool -- and there's not one like it here in Philly. Or I would open a cool-ass independent book and magazine store. Or a boutique! Or...see, I have ideas. What is WRONG with this Miami crew?! God, I bet they cringed for like a year straight after this ended.
So anyways, the guy on the other end of the phone says to Joe (and I can only HOPE they weren't called by MTV before this actually happened and prompted by them to respond how they did), "I can give you demographic info, but the type of business that you're looking for..." He trails off and Joe leaps to with a "Yeah?" "That's really up to you, and your group." And they should be THANKFUL to have the choice and the freedom to decide! Oh boy. Then Joe says to Mike, "They said they couldn't pick the business for us." Oh GOD, what if they had said "cleaning toilets" or "slaughtering animals" -- would they have done that? Christ.
So, three roomies (Mike, Joe, and Cynthia) set out to pound the pavement and see what business Miami "needs." I'm not going to get into the semantics of the word "need," but NOTHING they've suggested is really necessary. They're not trying to save the world, and there's nothing wrong with just trying to open a business and make some cash -- so let's drop all this "need" shit right now.
A montage of business-hunting-slash-voice-over progresses. Cyn asks, "A beauty parlor?" and "A smoke shop," while Mike suggests "Ice-cream parlor" and "What about a hip art-type store?" Oh boy. Joe thinks of a "computer fix-it shop," and then they all have a fight because Mike is tired of walking and wants to go back to the car. Joe and Cyn yell at him, but he stomps off anyway. Then, once they're all in the car, Cyn and Mike lean on their elbows and intone at each other, "I see your frustration but this is the way to has to be." "I didn't know it would be like this." "No one did." Hard, you mean? Well, too bad for you guys with the free-business-to-start-up, I feel so badly for you. Not.
Melissa's mom makes all the roomies Cuban food. Yummy! I'm jealous of them! Then we learn that Melissa's mom doesn't want her to break up with Cesar. Oh, moms. Then Melissa drops a little science on us: "Latin men are very possessive, almost like your father." Then she says she has lots of bad memories about her dad and that "that's a chapter in [her] life she wants to close." Yeeps! "Now, Cesar wants a lot." He leaves the house and calls out, "I love you!" Melissa gives him the half-assed, "You too!" Then she, Cyn, and Sarah sit around the pool and smoke ciggies. Cyn says, "It's hard to break up with someone if they haven't done something hella bad." Hee hee! Cesar is hella stupid, Cesar is hella lame, Cesar is hella dumb, hella hella hella! In a sit-down (oh man, Melissa has one of those extremely played-out leather motorcycle jackets. Hint: You are not a person who rides a motorcycle. Lose the stupid jacket), Melissa says she's one of those people that are more productive without a boyfriend. Okay, then be on your own, woman. You are strong. You are invincible. You know what I'm saying. Back at the gabfest, Melissa is crying about what a "great guy" Cesar is. Sarah says that's the problem. Cyn agrees: "Get someone to treat you bad, it'll be easy to break up with him!" Um, Cynthia, aren't you in love with some wretch that blows you off and stuff? And didn't you admit that even though your eyes are open, you're still involved with him? Well, then. Sarah says, "You're dating a nice guy, what are you thinking." Heh. Melissa cries some more, saying, "I'm such a wuss!" Or something.
Pay phone. The camera respectfully films from across the street as Melissa yells and cries. "I DON'T have TIME, Cesar! You make me feel like I'm neglecting you!" In a sit-down, Melissa says she's worried that Cesar's "gonna hold [her] back." Hmm. Back to the pay phone: "You're breaking my
heart...because it HURTS! It HURTS, Cesar." Not as much as it hurts him, maybe. Oh, who cares.Melissa looks sad as Dan gets some tarot cards ready. OY, this is contrived. Cyn says tarot is against what she believes in, and Dan makes a spooky spooky ghost noise. WhoooOOOOoooo! Then Bruce Willis pops out and says, "Hey! Remember when I got shot? And the kid said he saw dead people? All the time? Then why the fuck were you people surprised when you finally 'learned' I was dead?" Kidding -- he doesn't, but YOU ALL SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! Even my mom saw that coming a mile away. So Dan reads the cards for forlorn-faced Melissa (he doesn't need to use the book!), and they say she doesn't like commitment right now, and one card represents a selfish woman, and that she's trying to "play both ends," and that "everything is gonna fall apart." Okay then!
Dan approaches a club -- look, the velvet rope! I'm feeling tired just seeing it on TV. Maybe this is proof that I'm getting old, but there is nothing more clichéd than a stupid dance club. Dancing is cool, clubs are okay, and going out at night to raise hell is fine with me -- but somehow a great big monolithic club with a velvet rope and lights and Jock Jams blasting gives me hives now. Anyways, Dan says he's looking for a guy named Eric because he's here to interview him. The doorguys look blank for a bit; then one says Eric won't be interested because he isn't out yet and his parents read "that magazine." Dan says the interview won't even be about that, and the other doorguys, like parrots, say, "But it's WAR-saw." Warsaw is not just a city in Poland: it's a big fat gay bar too. So it can't be publicly known that Eric works there. Whoops, cameras, heh heh. Dan gets it, and he goes off to a pay phone to call Arnie, with his voice-over saying, "Being gay is hard, but you have to deal with it." Wow, go Dan!
Dan and Arnie are on another date. In a sit-down, Dan explains, "Arnie won't hold hands with me -- if people know he's on a date with me, then people will know who he is. We have to watch what we say and do." They sit and eat dinner together and Dan says, "This is really awkward..." Then he PAUSES, so you KNOW something must be really wrong. Dan is rarely quiet. "How do I say this...?" Oh, WOW. Then in a confessional-thing, Dan says, "I made a decision to come out, and there's no reason for me to stop doing that for someone else." WORD. Bottom line is, in any love relationship, you want the other person to be totally into it and, if possible, skipping through the streets singing about their love for you, if not shouting from the rooftops. Being in the closet isn't only denying who you are, but it hurts the person you're in a relationship with. Dan finally says what he's trying to say: "I don't like sneaking around your apartment." Arnie says he "totally understand[s]." But will he change? That's the question.
The camera rushes over the water toward the house...whoosh! Jump cut to Melissa and Cesar kissing in the car. Oh wow, they made it through. Hooray. After that tarot card reading, I was reeeeally worried. Melissa says weepily, "It was totally my fault." Whatever. Then in a sit-down, "I think I sabotaged the relationship...I didn't want to admit how much I needed him." Well, what was he trying to do, make everything all nice? The kiss at the door and she calls out, "No pressure!" Um, HE was supposedly pressuring YOU. This is so weird -- the closed captioning has lyrics for "You Live, You Learn," but the actual song is Eric stupid Clapton's "When the Night Comes." And here comes my dinner.