Tami shoots pool to the accompaniment of Robert Palmer's "Simply Irresistible," as David tells us all that he's physically attracted to her, but he's not going to "chase her around." We see Tami, in various mental states -- giving someone a dirty look, laughing hysterically, jumping on the bed -- as David leans into the camera and tells us that Tami "is very moody." Ya think? Tami plops down on her bed in a very low-cut shirt as David voice-overs that Tami "has a body from hell." That was a compliment, I think. Cut to the "Tami's Body" montage -- Tami in a mini-skirt, Tami in short shorts, Tami in her bikini. "Boo yeah!" David says. Um, okay, then.
Another montage -- this time, of Los Angeles at night -- as we are once again treated to the incomparable vocal acrobatics of said body from hell. It is, of course, "I'm a slave / I'm a slave / I'm a slave / to your lovin'." Tami tells us that the most important thing in her life right now is her band. She jams in the recording studio and she's not awful, but why is she on the wrong side of the glass? She's back there with the equipment. Tami? You need to be on the side with the microphones.
Anyway, back at the house, there's much horseplay between David and Tami. Tami says David is "hilarious." Beth pops in, saying that "David's a funny guy," as we see her curled up to him all Jessica Wakefield-style in her striped pajamas, one hand tucked under her chin. She tilts her head down and gazes up at him in way she must think is, you know, coy, or something. She tosses her hair and tells David that she gives it "two weeks before [David and Tami] hop in bed." She giggles. David tells Beth that if he wanted to, he "could get some tonight." Beth is sure that he could. David says he won't, though, because he "likes masturbating." Peals of girlish laughter from Beth. She flings her hair across her shoulder again and bats her lashes. In an interview, David helpfully tells us that "every person in life has masturbated." In the confessional, Beth, tricked out in pearls and a silk blouse, says that if she masturbated, she would tell David. But she doesn't masturbate. David says he knows that Beth masturbates. David says he masturbates. David says he likes it. Oh, sweet God.
In the girl's room, Beth tells Irene that David and Tami have a pseudo-date for dinner that evening. Irene wonders wryly "what's for dessert?" The helpful editors at B/M productions cut to a "No Glove, No Love" mural. How very 1993.
Beth, Jon, David, and two of David's friends go shopping on Melrose for the day. Requisite Melrose Avenue shots follow: punky-looking kids, barely clothed babes, artsy graffiti, whatever. It's basically the opening credits of Melrose Place without Heather Locklear. In an interview, Tami, in a velvet hat and seriously complicated dangly earrings, tells us that at first, she was irritated that David's friends were horning in on her bonding time with her roommates. Back on Melrose, Tami gets a tattoo. David also gets a tattoo, because, Tami says, he wants to be just like her. It's hard to tell what kind of tattoo Tami gets -- it looks like a daisy, on her lower stomach -- but David gets the dorkiest tattoo ever: the masks of comedy and tragedy right above his nipple. Men, do me a favor: Don't ever get the masks of comedy and tragedy permanently inked on your body. I promise you, when you take your shirt off to reveal that tattoo, no woman in the world is going to think, "Ooooh, the masks of comedy and tragedy. I'm in for some hot lovin'!" No, instead, she will think, "What a poseur. Where are my pants?" Trust me on this one.
On Melrose, the kids take Jon to Spike Lee's store (no longer there, by the way) to, as Tami says "hip hop him out a little bit." Jon models a XXXXXL baseball jersey with a big old X (as in Malcolm) over the breast. Somewhere, Malcolm X turns in his grave. Tami buys the top for herself, but voice-overs that Jon is sticking to "strictly country-western." She takes the bag from the saleswoman, who looks about as pissed as I've ever seen a saleswoman look. Maybe she was offended by Jon's pseudo-hip-hop mugging for the camera.
And this is the part of the show when David and his two friends "heckle" (to use David's word) every vaguely attractive woman on the street. He says "heckle." I prefer "harass," because they're cat-calling, and whoo-hooing and trying to talk to women who are clearly attempting to mind their own damn business. Point number two for you single heterosexual men out there: Asking a woman what she does, and following up your question by looking over the rims of your sunglasses like River Phoenix in A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon and asking, "I mean, what do you do weeeeelllll?" is not going to get you into anyone's pants. Capisce? David explains that he and his friends had a little contest going, to see who could pick up the most numbers by the end of the day. I wonder what happens when they all tie at zero. Tami explains that she decided not to go out with David, after their day on Melrose. He says in an interview that that's "fine! If you want to dis me like that, it's no problem."
Back at the house, Tami explains that she can't take David seriously, as a date, after she's seen him picking up on other women all day. David gets all angry and says Tami is spoiled. Tami says that, be that as it may, even if they had gone out to dinner, it wouldn't have been the two of them, because David's friends would have tagged along. David yells that it "wouldn't have been that way." Tami swings to the angry side of her symphony of moods. "No! No! No!" she says, stridently. "I feel that it would!" David says it wouldn't, and that they had plans, and she just "up and cancelled the date!" Hint number three for the studio audience: When you are with a person in whom you are romantically interested, it is not a good idea to attempt to pick up other people in front of them.
Talking to one of his buddies in the bathroom, David complains that Tami "calls him a womanizer, and then she goes out and does Evil Woman Shit, like that." Lovely. Eventually, David tells us, everyone apologizes. Tami shakes David's friends' hands and laughs merrily, as she swings from pissed back to pleased. In an interview, she beams and tells us that she and David "will continue to be friends." In this interview setting, Tami is in front of a roaring fire, but it looks like she's sitting in the middle of a burning building. I have no idea what just happened there.
David plasters a mud mask on his face in the confessional and admits that his pursuit of Tami is over. He then says something in a completely inexplicable accent. I think he was supposed to be imitating someone, but I have no idea whom.
Beth, Jon and Tami dig into dessert at the Cheesecake Factory. They get on to the subject of their most embarrassing moments. I'd like to take a sidebar and ask Beth to please, please, please do something about her eyebrows. They're like twin caterpillars crawling toward one another in the middle of her forehead. They make James Van Der Beek's brows look delicate. They scare me. Tami tells a story about what she calls "those booty lifter things" -- basically, a pair of pantyhose with the ass removed which serve to, er, lift your booty. Apparently, it lifts one's booty only temporarily, and Tami, like Cinderella, stayed too long at the ball; her artificially lifted booty sagged in front of all and sundry. Jon and Beth look vaguely stunned at Tami's story of the booty lifter gone wrong.
In an interview, Tami admits that she went on the game show Studs. I don't know if Studs was a nation-wide phenomenon, but if not, here's a quick rundown: It's like the love child of Blind Date and The Dating Game, in which two girls each go out with the same three guys, and everyone meets up later to dis and discuss. At the end, there's some picking and choosing -- my memory begins to fail me here, but, basically, it's a very tacky show. ["I used to watch it every night. Poor Mark DeCarlo." -- Wing Chun] Tami says that "one day [she] was in [her] office, thinking 'I should do Studs again,' and they just happened to call me!" How serendipitous. I'm sure it had nothing to do with your being on MTV, Tami.
Tami explains that she decided to go back on Studs because she's "leading a very down social life right now," and she wants to meet some new people. I would suggest joining a club, or volunteering, or taking a class, but if you want to humiliate yourself on national television some more, Tami...whatever.
Tami and her date, the sadly monikered Kenya, go to Knotts Berry Farm -- a local amusement park -- for their first date. I, personally, find the amusement park a wee bit too personal for a first date. First of all, you're there forever, and if the other person bites, you're stuck. Second, there's a lot of touching inherent in amusement park rides. I don't want to sit between the legs of some guy I've just met. Well, generally speaking. Ahem. Okay, enough about me. Tami says Knotts was fun, as the Cure's "Friday, I'm in Love," tinkles in the background, and B/M productions treats us to a montage of Kenya winning Tami a stuffed animal, and Tami laughing maniacally. Tami admits that she was impressed when Kenya serenaded her in front of everyone at the park. She says it "turned her on." We get a snippet of Kenya's song stylings. Not bad, but I can't help but wonder if the only reason he's singing to her is oh, geezum, I dunno, because he's on MTV? In an interview, Tami says she'd like to see Kenya again.
Bachelor #2, Tami says, is physically attractive. He's definitely cute. Tami, on the other hand, greets him in high-waisted, belted Dirty Dancing denim shorts, a black mock turtleneck and earrings made of metal twisted into the shaped of little people. Yes. Small, metal human beings are hanging from her ears. The horror. Tami and B#2 take off for dinner, telling David, who's lolling on the sofa, playing with a can of Cheez Wiz, that they'll see him later. David makes a snide comment about Studs. Dude, put the Cheez Wiz down and get over yourself.
In the Facial Masque Confessional, David starts singing that "there are a lot of fish in the sea." I think he's impersonating Elvis, but it's hard to say. I really think he's mental.
Tami and B#2 head off to the Venice boardwalk for their date. It's nice to see that instead of coming out the front of their house, and walking down Pacific to get to the boardwalk, Tami takes B#2 through the rat-infested alleys of Venice.
Tami and B#2 (poor nameless sot) converse. We can't hear them because B/M Productions is blasting En Vogue. At one point Tami gives B#2 the thumbs up.
In interview David blabs more about Tami. Move on, David.
The roommates go bowling en masse at Bay Shore Lanes, a.k.a. Pico Bowl, which is five minutes away from my house, and where I was just last Thursday. I note that this was filmed right before the big Pico Bowl Remodel, which brought us Disco Bowl on the weekends. I love me some Pico Bowl. Anyhoo, Irene got the roommates together for some Friday night bowling action, says Dom. And then the bowling begins. Balls, pins, the usual. Dom rolls a gutter ball. Aaron almost slips and falls on his ass in his slippery bowling shoes. Hee.
In an interview, Aaron, in his floppy frat boy haircut and 1993 Surfer Flannel Hooded Sweatshirt (I had one. Didn't you?), explains that there was some snafu in getting all the roommates to the bowling alley. Dom says that when they were taking off, they told David they were leaving. David asked for a couple of minutes. Dom said sure, but to hurry up. David, in an interview, says that he told them to go ahead without him, but that he was just joking. Ha, funny joke. Not. That's a stupid joke, you dumb-ass. It's not even amusing. I would have thought you were serious, and left your ass, which is, apparently, what Dom and crew did.
David wigs. He arrives at the bowling alley, with Tami and poor befuddled B#2, and, as he eloquently explains, "saw all the guys, smiling and bowling their asses off, it just snapped in my head." And that's when David starts screaming. And yelling. And making a scene. He blames "the fucking cliques" in the house, for, um, I don't know what. In an interview, Dom looks balefully at the camera and says "I'm not a violent person, but God, I wanted to hit him." Word, Dom. More yelling. More arguments. God, what a retarded fight. Irene shrieks that everyone needs to shut up. Jon sits in the little chair in front of the scoring computer thing and laughs nervously. to him, Aaron looks at his shoes. "I love it when we go out," he says sarcastically. "It's so fun." I hate to say it, but I suspect that Aaron and I might have gotten along a little bit. Until he started wearing that Young Republicans t-shirt. While David moans, Irene picks up her little bowling shoes and her little bowling bag and her little bowling ball -- which, mind you, she owns -- and screams at David to leave the bowling alley. She stomps out, calling David a "piece of shit." "Midget!" he calls after her. Oh, burn. Not. If I were Irene, at that point, I would have turned around and calmly reminded David that I own several loaded guns.
In interview, Irene says that she "doesn't need to take that shit from him, or from anybody in this house!" Sing it, sister. I'm beginning to wonder if Irene and Tim got married during the run of the show just to get poor Irene out of living with this motley group of chuckleheads and yahoos. When I was living in the dorms my sophomore year in college, my -door neighbor hated dorm life so much that he and his girlfriend ran off to Vegas and got married to get out of their dorm contracts. ["They obviously didn't want de-elevator to get them down." -- Wing Chun] They were also totally nuts, but that's a long story.
Where was I? Irene. She storms out of the bowling alley. Dom chases after her, but it's too late. David, hot on Dom's trail, starts in again. I hate David. Dom does too. He tries to reason with David. David squeals. Dom tries to walk away from David. David screams that his "face is still talking." Eventually, Dom seduces David inside with the promise of a beer. Alcohol: Dom's equivalent of the olive branch. In an interview, Dom wishes that David would stop thinking everyone was against him. Don't hold your breath, darling.
If I was part of the crack editing team at B/M Productions, I would have ended this episode there. But there's more. Back at the Beach House, the boys are playing pool, and David is still reliving the horror of having been ditched, after telling everyone to leave without him. He keeps talking. Talk, talk, talk. Shut up, David.
Jon explains in an interview, that because David is a comedian, he's always "on." He says it's really annoying. Word.
Irene calls the house. She talks to a concerned Aaron and a concerned Beth. This is such a stupid argument. On the phone, Aaron says that they need to talk about their problems, or things will only get worse. Irene talks to David over the phone. David apologizes. They set a house meeting for Tuesday night.
House meeting. Arguments about dishes, and messes. David can't handle it. He says he's in a bad mood. Dom storms off. Beth tells David to shut his mouth, because she's on the phone with her sister (in the middle of the meeting? Oh, whatever). David tells her to shut her mouth. This is the part where, if I lived with these people, I would scream at both of them to shut their respective mouths and tell everyone that I hate them all and that if anyone calls for me, I can be reached at the Ritz-Carlton Marina del Rey, in a suite of rooms being charged to the AMEX Platinum of a certain Mary-Ellis Bunim. But then I would have missed the part where, after Beth gets off the phone, David freaks out entirely and tells her she should have given him the choice of taking the call, or allowing her to tell the person on the other line to call back. My favorite part of all of this is the fact that Tami is standing to David and staring, dully, off into space. She's paying no attention whatsoever. Beth squalls and walks off. And David yells, "don't walk away! Because you think you all that and you ain't! That's why you got those big-ass hairy ass pimples on your face, because you deserve them!" Tami's stone face doesn't change. Jon, in an interview, says that David wasn't trying to be funny, that he was trying to hurt Beth's feelings, and that he did. He wrinkles his nose. Irene, in an interview, says that David brings out the worst in everyone. Beth tells the camera that she could strangle David. Dom tells us that the Beach House "ain't Melrose Place. We don't all love each other," demonstrating that he has never seen an episode of Melrose Place, or else he would have said that it wasn't Melrose Place because they aren't all sleeping together despite the fact that they hate each other and/or are related to one another. Aaron spouts some babble about being understanding of one another's differences. Snore.
Everyone is in the girls' room. Grievances -- dull grievances -- are aired. David yells about Q-Tips. He says something heatedly, which I can not transcribe. Not because I'm offended, but because it has so many words bleeped out that I literally cannot figure out the gist of the sentence. Beth tells David she's tired of him trying to hurt her feelings. He apologizes, all half-assed. Tami tells him he's insecure. He puts a pillow over his head and tells them not to talk about him.
Tami tells us that nothing changed with David after the meeting, and nothing will change. David says he hates it when people talk at him, and that they shouldn't treat him "like a child, [he's] a human being." Because children are, you know, fruits and vegetables. And we close on a lonely montage of David shuffling down the street, kicking an empty can. Oh, cry me a river.