Tyler is going to run a marathon in two days, even though he hasn't trained for it at all. Janelle and Jose have a horrible heart-to-heart. She encourages him to open up. Tyler tells John and Janelle and Svet they can't come watch him run the marathon; they are mad. Jose steals Tyler's thunder at dinner before the marathon and babbles about his ghetto upbringing. Tyler is nervous as the marathon approaches. The others are nervous for him. He runs. He runs. He runs. At mile twenty-three Tyler's leg goes out. Paula, Zach, and Jose run with him and he runs on and makes it, happy for having his friends' support. Meanwhile, back at the house, John and Janelle receive letters from Tyler justifying not inviting them to the marathon. They are not mollified. Back at the house, Tyler soaks his aged bones in a tub while and he and Paula praise Jose for having opened up to them. John and Janelle are out drinking and still talking about Tyler. The day, John and Tyler make up and get into a glitter fight. Yes, it's just as gay as it sounds.
Hey all you prisoners, bored cubicle jockeys, the infirm, and assorted masochists who just can't let go of the years that The Real World was actually semi-good and kinda relevant! Thanks for sticking by while I was gone for the last two weeks. And a huge thanks to Lauren S. for masterfully subbing. I'll try not to depart again. Let's ride out the rest of this giant sinking cruise ship together!
Previously on...Paula and Svet talk about how Jose is an automaton, and they hope one day he busts out of his creepy, collar-poppin', titty-hatin' shell. John and Tyler fight in the kitchen about Tyler's selfishness and general Tyler-tude. Tyler tells us that he constantly needs to be challenged and as we get to watch him jogging, we learn that he's getting into "the sport of triathlons." Minus the bike part. Because old men shouldn't ride bikes.
Opening. Theme. Poem. Jose carries a spear. Paula tries not to pass out. John takes a wave to the balls. Zach fishes for more money for him and his evil Jew cabal to run the world with (right, Mel?). Ass. Logo. Melanoma.
House. House. Day. Terrible statue. Tyler bitchily informs us that he's planning on running a marathon in West Palm. He tells us that it's 26.2 miles, and thankfully does not go on to give us any more trivia about things like the Greek Battle of Marathon, or how many marathon runners shit themselves. He does, however, in total seriousness, say, "It's probably one of the most arduous athletic endeavors for an athlete to partake." Hee. Apparently, so is the English language. Jose asks Tyler if he's ready. "I will be," he says without looking up. Oh god I hope he shits himself.
Day. Street. Tyler runs. Tyler runs. Seagulls fly off in horror as Tyler approaches. Running. Running. Shirtless running. The seagulls fly. Tyler voices over that he hasn't been training because of the hurricane. Ha, right. Well at least he didn't blame his being out of shape on 9/11. He says that while some lesser athletes train for up to a year for a marathon, he feels it's something he just needs to do. Huh? Pelicans. Tyler runs. A bus misses him. Boo.
Tyler calls his friend Scottie and tells him that he's nervous about the marathon, and Scottie calls him out on the reason why: because he hasn't trained at all. Scottie reminds him not to "go out too fast," which is something Tyler learned running the Boston marathon. Tyler goes on to brag how painful the Boston marathon was and how doctors "don't allow" people to run more than two marathons a year because of how it damages your body. I think fucking a creepy Russian boy in the hot tub has the potential to damage your body even more than that, if you know what I'm sayin'. Tyler says that the sense of accomplishment is beyond compare. Scottie wants Tyler to just "suck it up and do it." Oh, don't you worry. Tyler's good at that.
Car. Night. Janelle drives Jose around. She camera-bitches that she thinks Jose is a really nice guy but she just wishes he would occasionally step out of the shadows. She tells him as much, and he says that it's hard to get a lot of face time when everyone in the house is so over-the-top and that he finds them stressful. Join the club, Jose. She encourages him to step "out." Yeah, Jose. We all really are waiting for you to come out. Really. It's okay. We know already. We really do. Just come out already.
Day. Sunrise. Island. Key West. House. Zach says that he's excited about the marathon and can't wait to watch Tyler run. Tyler is controlling and bitchy, but everyone keeps smiling, until John walks in and asks what everyone is talking about. Tyler immediately gets defensive and says, "Okay, John. I don't want to be offensive..." and he goes on to stumble through a really bad explanation of why he has only invited Paula, Zach, and Jose to come to West Palm for the night to watch him run the marathon. John blows it off, saying that he didn't want to come anyway, so it's cool. Zach's askew hat feels the tension in the air and doesn't like it one bit. Tyler camera-queens to us that he didn't invite Janelle, John, or Svet because he didn't want them to "steal the attention." A more revealing excuse was never offered.
Once Tyler leaves, John bitches that this is just another instance of Tyler only thinking about himself. He's clearly upset and tells us that this isn't the first time Tyler has dis-invited him somewhere. Janelle extensions into the room and asks for the now-returned Tyler to explain the situation to her. Tyler continues to stutter through an explanation that he didn't actually tell anyone about coming to watch the marathon but rather that Paula and crew asked. Janelle says that she's not about to invite herself somewhere when she's clearly not wanted. (She right about that.) Jose tries to defend Tyler but it doesn't work. (Just don't bother, Jose. You're better off sitting firmly in the shadows, collar erect, and, I don't know...thinking about your rental properties.) Janelle and Tyler go back and forth about being busy and how it doesn't take a long time to mention something to your closest friend in the house and how this is exactly what Tyler was trying to avoid, and John just watches. Tyler brats that this isn't about anyone's feelings, but rather about him trying to run 26 miles. (What about the .2?) But now Tyler has stumbled upon a line of arguing that he feels good about so he gathers up steam and says that Janelle shouldn't try to twist it and that so what if he's self-centered -- her "bitch-ass" is too. (Oh, no he didn't!) Janelle denies that it's true, but Tyler rubber-necks on, saying that Janelle is acting like a victim and that no one got a "hand-written invitation." More fighting. More fighting. And suddenly the argument ends with Janelle's hand and a "stop there," but we can tell it's not over. I'm not sure who won but I know who lost. Me.
Day. House. Office. Janelle talks to Svet and John and goes all Laguna Beach on us, saying that Tyler is "dunzo" in her book. We see all of Janelle's fake boobs as she leans over, bratting that she's never heard so many excuses in her life. Svet smiles that she's never seen Janelle so mad, and then camera-Ruskies that she's not surprised she wasn't invited, but she is surprised Janelle wasn't. Janelle says something else but it makes even less sense than usual so nevermind. Commercials.
Water. House. Day. Office. Tyler writes a letter to Janelle and John and leaves it for them, letting them know why the whole marathon non-inviting happened and that he was sorry.
FORD! Tyler, Paula, Jose, and Zach drive. Paula camera-talks that she's very excited to cheer Tyler on. Driving. Driving. Tyler babbles about reliving the most painful parts of the Boston marathon. Jose camera-brows about Tyler and the marathon and shut up, Jose. Paula says that maybe she'll run a marathon someday, and Tyler says that she needs to gain twenty pounds first. (Also, she needs to lose 160 pounds...of Keith! Zing!)
West Palm. West Palm. Palm trees. Night. TASTE OF ITALY! restaurant. The kids have a sad meal in the boring fake Olive Garden. Jose stiffly asks Tyler, as if he were conducting an interview rather than having a conversation, where Tyler finds the motivation to set and accomplish all his goals. Tyler says that he's miserable and depressed if he isn't achieving something all the time. Jose makes the most awkward segue ever as he says that it is an interesting question he often poses to himself...and then starts talking about himself. See, his weird questions were really like some sort of odd technique to get Tyler to answer so then he could use it to springboard to finally opening up. Or something. But man, what a creepy way to go about life. Anyway, Jose does start talking about himself, saying he grew up with a young mom and was in the ghetto and never went to school and then lived with his abusive father...and the entire audience and restaurant tunes out simultaneously. Zach camera-fros something about how it's nice to get to get to know Jose more. Jose tells a story about his abusive drunk dad telling him that he'll grow up to be a loser. Tyler watches, bored out of his skull, clearly furious that he invited someone who ended up stealing the focus anyway. Jose brings it all back to his ghetto/drunk dad upbringing being the reason he stays focused and how he gets his motivation, and then they all toast as Jose says, "Cheers to that. For sure." Tyler is pissed.
Night. West Palm. Hotel. Tyler demonstrates the pose that he'll do as he crosses the finish line and shows the map of the marathon route, as Paula camera-bones that Tyler hasn't been training as he should. Yes, we get it. Tyler hasn't been training. Tyler might not make it. The tension is unbearable! What will happen! Paula tells us marathons are a mental game and then tells Tyler she's nervous for him. Tyler says she should be nervous for him. Sigh.
MARRIOTT! Water. Moon. The kids are up at 5:00 AM waiting in the FORD! Tyler is in the bathroom. Zach bitches that Tyler was eating rich Italian food last night, and finally Tyler arrives and says that he feels much "safer." "That would have been a mess!" he tells the others. VOMIT! The kids laugh.
Driving. Driving. A cop. Zach tries to find the parking lot. They just let Tyler out, and Paula says she's nervous and then narrates that Tyler gets out of the car and they're still parking so they don't get to see him start the race.
Race area. Tyler walks around. He camera-talks that he's ready and nervous but pumped and he has a huge character test in front of him and the race starts and we go to commercials.
Day. Marathon. Runners. Runners. Tyler runs in his tight blue shirt. He runs like a duck, as he voices over that he's trying to go slow and "find a pace." He's sort of more race-walking than running. Sorta running. Sorta running. The kids watch, waiting for him around Mile 13. Tyler runs. The kids wait. Finally he appears. The kids run out, and Paula screams like an idiot. "I love him!" says Paula, as Tyler gives a gay little prance. Tyler voices over that he decides after the halfway mark to pick up the pace. We see him pick up the pace. MTV reuses a shot. Mile 15. Mile 17. Running. Terrible music. Tyler adjusts his headband.
Paula and the kids walk backwards from near the end looking for him, but they never see him, and Paula is thinking that this may not be good. Uh-oh! What might have happened?! Is Tyler not going to make it?! Well, we indeed see Tyler jogging and then stopping. Tyler tries to stretch as he tells us that around Mile 23 his knee gives out; it feels like someone is stabbing him. Oh yeah? Well, you're probably just feeling all the voodoo dolls from around the country. Very perceptive. Tyler is scared he's not going to finish. The kids find Tyler and Tyler starts running again. Paula believes Tyler is feeding off of them to find his strength and now they're all running and Tyler is being forced to give them some credit (by the electric prod B/M has attached to him in the voice-over chair) as he says it means a lot to have them there motivating him to the finish line. Triumphant awful rock music plays as Tyler finishes and the kids cheer and it's taken him a respectable 4:42. Tyler hugs the kids and tell us he realized it's okay to need his roommates. Aw, I'm so...what's the opposite of touched?
Day. Florida from above. Key West. House. Meanwhile...John and Janelle find their notes and realize that it's just more justification and not a real apology from Tyler. Janelle and John bitch. Shit, I'd almost rather go watch Tyler waddle for 26.2 miles than stay here and listing to this whining.
FORD! Driving. A sunburned Tyler wears a "participant" medal around his neck. Heeeee. He quips that he didn't want to cross the finish line like a "maimed little bitch" but he's happy they were there for him. Paula says that it was one of the coolest things she's ever seen. Tyler voice-overs again how he didn't want to need his roommates to motivate him across the finish line and...dude, you just said that. The sun must have addled his mind.
At the house, Zach helps wrap Tyler's knee as Tyler gimps up the stairs. "Miss Daisy here will be up the stairs shortly," he says. I'm not sure what that means, and yes, I've seen the movie. It still makes no sense.
Tyler takes a bubble bath. I wish it ended there, but we have to stay with him as he splish-splashes and tells a hair-curling Paula that he now respects Jose. Ooh, really! How kind of you Lord Tyler to bestow your respect upon the faux ghetto child. And also, no. You were totally pissed at him when he was babbling on. Anyway, Tyler says that he's hoped he could "encourage" Jose to open himself up, but he realized Jose will only do it when it's genuine. Yeah, that fake Olive Garden moment was totally off the cuff and not at all planned or scripted by Jose. Anyway, we intercut them talking about how awesome they now think Jose is with shots of Jose in the office looking at porn. Tyler confessionals that this was a bonding weekend for the four of them and a perfect time for young Jose to open up and how great is Tyler that he provided that to them. And also: he "respects" the three of them now. Oh, they will be so happy. Paula covers up a pimple. Tyler gets a little too far out of the bubbles for my taste.
Night. Street. Bike pagoda guy. John and Janelle drink at an outdoor bar, still bitching about Tyler. John is just going to expect Tyler to be rude now and won't expect much else from him. Janelle hopes to make Tyler respect people's feelings more but she's not one to hold grudges, she tells us. Oh, so I guess he's not "dunzo" after all. Janelle thinks Tyler is fun and cool and doesn't want this to be the end of their Will & Grace-hood. I can't believe she's just going to forgive him. Pussy.