Dusk. Inside their beautiful house, Cyn warns Melissa, "Love makes a fool out of you every time." Wow, this actually sounds interesting. Then we get a montage of Cyn explaining that Trevor is the only man she's ever loved, and how she'll "never go back to Trevor," then dialing the phone and being told to call back "Monday" as an arrow points to the phone and reads "Trevor," and a montage of Cyn lying around the house looking sad-faced as Radiohead sings their "don't leave me hiiiiigh! Don't leave me dryyyy!" song, and once again, Bunim-Murray has taken all the subtlety and pathos right out of a situation and turned it into a Punch and Judy show with twentysomethings and top 40 hits. Then, Cyn talks to a makeup-less Melissa (she still looks pretty!) saying how she "gets let down every time," by Trevor, adding, "My eyes are open -- I am seeing this." Melissa does that rah-rah thing saying, "You gotta let him go, girl!" But it's never that easy; that's the thing.
Cut to Dan running around inside the offices of Ocean Drivel magazine, which he calls "an excellent step" in his career, I guess. One might even call it a first step, but whatever. Dan must have bigger fish to fry than glossy editorial fish, or something. In a meeting, the magazine people talk about some modeling agencies' "volleyball-palooza" event in which they want to try to promote the magazine. First off, how played is the whole adding "palooza" onto things? Even in 1996? And second of all, why does Dan get an enormous grin on his face at doing some kind of promotional activity? Because it has to do with modeling agencies, that's why. Glamour. He wants to sparkle. At home, Dan goes on and on about how he had to call "Kate Moss's people, Christy Turlington's people, Calvin Klein Studios...If I gave a damn, this would be really cool!" Like you don't, Dan. Cyn tells us Dan's head is really swelling and Melissa complains about having to hear about his job "24/7." Dan concludes his braggery with, "and with this on my résumé? Mmm. Mmm!" Good. For you, Dan.
Montage of Dan running around with an Ocean Drivel guy handing out volleyballs to all the big modeling agencies in town. Hmm, I wonder why they brought Dan along on this trip? Could it be the cameras? Nooo. The guy with Dan is totally smarmy, actually saying "Darling!" as he kisses people hello, and to Dan, "Time to go kiss ass." Inside one agency, Dan gets signed up. "It all happened so fast!" he explains to the cameras. "I was in one runway show before which didn't even count because it was in a shopping mall." Oh BOY, what a hypocrite. He wanted this all along! The guy at the agency says, "Welcome to Oz," while the smarmy guy says reverently, "The making of a star!" Excuse me, in the world of male modeling, there are no stars, just dudes that work. Dan doesn't even like work. So this won't work. Got it?
Dan's on the phone with someone from Ocean Drivel. She's having a dinner party and says Dan can invite whomever he wants -- and will the cameras be there too? Great. So Dan invites all his roomies to dinner at some hotel at 10 PM (be sure to eat first so you don't die of hunger waiting). After a montage of all the roomies primping and preening, Cyn goes out the door with a guy. She has a date. Dan starts throwing a fit right off: "Why didn't she tell me? That really, really hurts my feelings." Whatever, dude, I didn't see her accept your invitation so she shouldn't have to decline. It's not like he's COOKING dinner for his roomies, anyway -- they're, like, tagging along to his invite. He complains to Mike and Melissa and then says, "I was just stood up by my ROOMMATE," which doesn't seem to be true at all. Tense, jangly guitars play and we're out.
As the roomies troop into the hotel, the wind blows Flora's dress up. I see London, I see France! They all have a fancy-ass dinner. Dan blabs a lot as his roomies roll their eyes.
Sheryl Crow sings "I won't cry anymore" as we spy on Cyn's date. The guy's name is Tony. He seems nice. He talks about all the different kinds of restaurants in Miami and then talks about Jamaican food. "They have jerk chicken, jerk goat..." Cyn says, "Goat? As in, 'baaa,' goat?" Hee. Then Tony mentions oh-so-casually that he was just in "the islands...eating alligator." As in, grrrr, alligator? Cyn says, "I ain't eating no goat, I ain't eating no alligator, I ain't eating no possum, no squirrel...!" Hee hee! Then she says she "has nothing against Tony" and that "he's cute." As they say goodnight, he kisses her hand and says he'll call. Nothing wrong with that.
The roomies have another business meeting. Landon's there! Nothing gets done. The end. Just kidding.
The roomies have another business meeting. Cyn says, "On choosing the business, there's a whole lot of talking, but nothing's decided yet." The end. Kidding again.
Another business meeting. Dan talks so much they fade out his voice and show all the roomies in various states of paralyzing boredom. Flora fans herself with her shirt, Melissa groans intermittently, Cynthia buries her head in her hands and Sarah wraps a ponytail holder so that it fits around her face two times. The two guys look stupefied, but that's how they always look. Cyn says Dan elaborates too much. We got it. Mike asks a question, Dan starts to answer, Mike cuts him off with a "yes or no," and Dan says, "It's not a yes or no answer, because...." Everyone else laughs in a pained way. Blah blah blah, get it?
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Dan is talking again. He says, "You're all waiting for us to blossom," while making a queeny blossoming gesture. Mike says, "I am really fucking sick of analogies." Flora applauds. That was mean. Mike then asks, "Why can't we just talk straight business?" Whoops. Maybe "plain" would have been a better word choice. Seeds, you are now planted. Dan says he "can't do that -- sorry." Hmmm. Then Dan says he's "tense because he was laughed at several times." Mike says Dan laughed at an idea of his before. But this is different! Dan says he wishes "you just phrased things differently." Joe says Dan could work on that himself, and that he speaks "clean and to the point, that's what talking business is about." Or rather, talking business isn't about running on and on forever. The group gets up and takes a break.
Dan leaves the house and very theatrically gestures his frustration. For whatever reason, Melissa follows him to find out what's wrong. She must be some glutton for punishment. Dan cries, and says, "It all came out! Whenever you move to a new place and have such an intense, horrendous handicap against you..." Melissa asks what that may be. Is it? I knew it! Dan's retarded. It all makes sense now! Kidding. Dan says "the gay thing." I think that's your new nickname, Dan! But only when you annoy me. So, Melissa says, "Why are you making such an issue about that? A million people..." The Gay Thing cuts her off, saying he knows, he knows, but how can he know when he just cut her off? Dan runs on at the mouth AGAIN as Melissa explains for us, "When you talk to Dan, you don't get to do a lot of talking -- you listen." Dan says, "I don't think I talk too much! If I thought I talked too much, I wouldn't talk so much!" We. GET. IT.
Cyn's out with Tony again, at a hockey game. Their seats are right up against the ceiling, but Tony's totally into it, cheering and everything. Cyn sips her drink and looks bored. Voice-over says, "I don't want him to like me." Uh-oh. When Tony asks for a sip of her drink, Cyn barely notices him, then gives him an icy look. Mmm, that's refreshing. He asks, "Are you cool with me?" Cyn says yeah, but the answer is clearly no. She ignores him for the rest of the evening. Tony looks bummed. Then, while on the phone, Cyn's friend says Cyn only doesn't like Tony because he's not Trevor. "If he treated you bad, then you'd like him." Sigh.
The Gay Thing is saying to Sarah and Joe, "I don't like talking about myself." Then you are a masochist, Gay Thing. Sarah says he "loves it." The Gay Thing asks, "Do I like talking about myself too much?" Oh my god, YES! YES YOU DO! Now SHUT UP, Dan! SHUT! UP! Joe says, "uh." Amazing show of leadership abilities, not. Sarah says for Joe, "You're neutral on this topic!" Well, I'm not, so shut up, Dan! Dan says he knows things are being said behind his back, and Sarah reminds him that "that's how people communicate, they talk. You talking a lot has nothing to do with you being gay." Word, and WORD. But, "Some of the roommates have brought it up." Dan rolls his eyes and says that's "really unpleasant to hear, after you put your trust in people...." Sarah says incredulously, "You trusted them? I don't trust anyone here." Wow, what a horrible living situation for anyone to be in. Dan puts his head down as Sarah adds that maybe Dan has a reason to be suspicious of people.
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Dan's having some test shots taken. He has a HUGE zit right under his eye. He expression is the same in every shot, with or without the funny hat or tank top or turtleneck on. After a million photos are taken, the photographer calls Armani Exchange and sends Dan over to do a fashion show with them. He then warns Dan to "watch himself" and "don't negotiate." Whatever.
Dan calls his roomies and invites them to come watch him model at A/X. Whatever.
The roomies look at Dan's headshots. He has HEADSHOTS. He so wants to be a model. How silly.
Dan runs around at Armani as Jill Stupid Sobule sings her "Supermodel" song. Cyn says "Dan is now molding himself into the kind of person he didn't like." No, into the kind of person he SAID he didn't like. He really DID want this all along. So he's shallow and untruthful. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a model, or in saying that modeling/catering to pretty people is stupid, but when you occupy both positions you are a hypocrite. Okay? Okay. So, Dan takes his modeling gig very seriously, and all the roomies cheer and make fun of him at the same time. Joe even brought his camera. Mike and Cyn do lots of funny you-betta-WORK head swoops. But all the roomies go home together, friends again. Until the time....
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