We open the long-awaited "Threesome!" episode with a clip show of interviews past: Flora says she likes sex. Mike says he likes sex "all the way around." Hee. Joe says he likes sex, "openness," and "nakedness." Eww. Cynthia says she's "not into showing [her] stuff. That's not being a lady, that's being a loose little floozy." And that is all you see of Cynthia in this very special "Threesome!" episode until her last line at the end. So jump to the last page for a funny line, but stay right here for some hot hot threesome action! Oh, sorry, I forgot I'm not a writer for some cheesy porn site...yet.
The roomies are sitting around talking about sex. Melissa asks Joe to describe his favorite sexual fantasy and he laughs it off. Didn't we already learn that he wants to be a porn star? Stupid editing. Cynthia takes the plunge and says she wants to go to Vegas with a million dollars, fly to Hawaii from there, and have "sex on the beach." With whom? Or does she mean the cocktail? Joe jumps in and says he wants to have sex on a jet plane at night, and then when the sun comes up, "jump out." I hope he plans to include parachutes in that fantasy. Or, not. Melissa has the most pedestrian sexual fantasy of all: a date which includes getting picked up on time; no corny music in the car; going to a restaurant and being the last people there; talking; and ordering dessert to go, with one fork. Snoozers. How is that sexual? She didn't even say "naked." Then Melissa offers her l'il sound bite about sex: "I need a lot of freedom and a really really really long leash." Got it. Long leash for Melissa.
Hank, Sarah's friend, has called Melissa. They gab. "You were in a really dirty dream I had," he says. She peruses the porn films he sent her. He assures her that they're "really dirty, your kind of pornos." Did I already relay my story of not being allowed to make the word "porno" in a Boggle game? It was a long time ago. I should just let it go. Sarah offers that "Hank and Melissa discovered that they had something in common, and that was talking dirty to each other on the phone." Get! OUT! Wow. And here I thought...oh, forget it. Hank suggests they have phone sex and Melissa demurely demurs, saying, "Some things are better left in your head." But hot threesomes are best done on camera -- we ALL know that.
The Goops sing, "Build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart!" and we land in the comedy club where Mike meets Melody, the hot waitress. She comes over to deliver a drink, bends over, and puts her boobs right in Mike's face. He says he wants her to do that each time she comes back. It's very subtle what's happening here. Can you follow? They make plans for her to come over when she gets off...work. Heh.
Back on another non-phone-sex "chat," featuring Hank and Melissa. He 's sent her a shirt this time. He tells her not to tell Cesar. Hank loooves her. He wants to have like ten thousand of her babies. If anyone sees Hank, please make fun of him for me. Ask him if he's still sitting in a tree with Melissa, you know, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. That will never stop being funny for me. Because I, like many of the Mighty Big TV recappers, am four years old. Then he says he'll have to cook for her on his visit. Ooh, is that the visit when you plan to propose? Melissa is mad impressed that Hank cooks, and asks, "Is there anything you can't do?" Hank says, "You'll have to find that out for yourself." Yes, you'll have to find out about all the things Hank can't do on your own, Melissa. You'll be getting no help from your secret phone-lover, Hanky-kins.
Night. We zoom in over the house. Then we go inside and BAM, Melody's there. She shakes Melissa's hand. Mike, drunk and horny, does this bit where he fakes out Melissa: "I'm very disappointed in you. When'd you get home? And where's my hug?" What a cornball. But Melissa laughs and hugs him. Then she says that Mike asked her to join him and Melody in the hot tub and she wasn't tired and said okay. Cue the porno music now. Bun-chicka-wah-wah!
We have hot tub. Melody is topless. So is Melissa. Dan relays that he and Johnny wanted to use the tub as well, and waited for them to leave. By "waiting," he meant "watching them on the hot tub-camera monitor." So we get a little black-and-white fuzzy hot-tub-camera voyeur monitor action right about now. Mike is kissing Melody's breasts, and something is going on below the waist as well -- it's all blurred out though. Melody's head and legs are moving, and she's moaning. Melissa watches from across the hot tub. We cut to Sarah and Johnny watching on the monitor -- those pervs -- and then boom, Melissa has joined in doing something blurry. Melody strokes Melissa's hair. Via interview, Sarah relays this gem: "You have a rad house [though the closed captioning says "rat" house, hee!] with a hot tub and koosh balls...you're going to get naked." Yeah, if it weren't the hot tub action, it would have been koosh ball sex, for sure. Those things are tiny, rubbery aphrodisiacs. I guess it's later, because Mike comes in wearing a towel. Sarah, at the computer, grins hugely at him. She saw what he did! Then he flashes her and asks her to rate "Leroy" -- and it's so creepy if his penis has the same name as their dog, for god's sack -- on a scale of one to ten. Sarah does not answer. Dan says that there must have been "something in the air that night." We go back outside, where Melissa and Melody are sitting on the dock. They jump in, and here comes Mike, who strips off his towel and dives in. Boy, he's got a blurry ass.
We come back from commercial and it's a blurry-assed splash, all over again. Melissa and Melody squeal with delight. Oh, eww, I can't believe I just wrote that. Am I fired? Mike's treading water with Melissa holding onto his shoulders. She sees some roomies emerge and approach the dock. They start to undress...kidding. Mike emerges from the water and re-towels himself. Flora, a fucking killjoy if there ever was one, starts to yell at top volume, "WHAT'S going ON! I just saw a PENIS!" Was that the first time today, Flora? Mike flashes her and like a child who sees The Blob, she screams and runs off. Melissa comes out of the water, followed closely by Melody, who says peevishly, "Whoo! Can't it last a little longer?" Actually, if you're talking about your screen time, this is pretty much it. But your moans will be heard at length in just a bit. Hold on, you hussy.
Dan provides some useful (for once) exposition: "They all scattered and reconvened in my shower." Wow, Dan had his own shower? How'd he swing that? Maybe they all had their own showers and Dan's was the sexiest. I'm fired, aren't I? The moans begin. The camera lurks outside the window. The window is not so sexy. The moans continue. Drama Queen Dan gingerly puts on the hot tub cover, picks up a discarded bathing suit, and flings it with an expression of distaste. What a hambone. Inside, Sarah and Flora gab about Sarah's dirty fingernails and training the adorable puppy Leroy, then Dan comes up and says he's like to go to sleep but there's some hot action taking place in his shower. They go to the stairs and listen. Sarah makes fun of the moans. The three set off to "investigate," by which I mean, "try to get a good look." Flora says she feels bad for Sarah because "she's never seen this before" And Flora is all jaded and weary of it. Oh, what's this, another threesome today, oh, yawn. Not. The three hover outside the window. The moans continue: "Unh! Mmm! Oh, YES." Dan makes a face. Sarah and Flora pound each other's fists and giggle. Dan whispers, "I have to take a shower in this tomorrow!" Oh, eww. Sarah has the greatest idea (to having a threesome on camera): "Do you want me to put you through the window real quick?" BA HA HA! "Real quick!" Flora is dumb enough to try it. The moans don't stop coming. "Unh! Aah! Ohh!" The window has three panes that open out. Sarah boosts Flora up; she manages to get most of her body on one pane of glass, in an aluminum frame, with one leg in and one leg out. Sarah pushes on Flora's butt with all her might. Dan relays via interview that "it doesn't take a genius to see that Flora and Helga and Olga over here are not going to be supported by a pane of glass." CRASH! The jig, she is up. The girls giggle. The camera waves around to show Dan already halfway down the stairs.
We're back with Sarah and Flora, who's cleaning her cuts from the broken glass. Sarah noodles with the first-aid kit saying, "I love this stuff. My mom's a nurse." Hey, if she isn't a naughty nurse who likes threesomes, she isn't going in this episode, all right? Leave your mom out of this. They return to the window with a dustpan and broom to clean up the glass and the moans are still going on. "Oh! Oh! Oh!" Okay, now I don't believe this. How could they...oh, forget it. Finally, Melissa peeks through the blinds. "I see you laughing! Don't make assumptions, okay?" Sarah says she's not. We cut to an interview of Flora saying, "I heard people going 'ooh ooh ah ah.'" Then she cracks up and moves out of frame. Dan relays, "If she was having fun, more power to her!" Ah yes -- fun equals power. Revolution threesome-style, now! Back at the scene of the...well, I can't assume anything, so let's just say the scene of extended moaning: Sarah sweeps up more glass. Then she says, "This probably would have happened eventually...." Oh, really? Is a threesome one of life's inevitables? You know, death, taxes, and threesomes? Dan calls her on this, asking incredulously, "Are you rationalizing this?" Yup, she was. Flora says, "I'll have to go on a diet and try this again. Melissa, we need to talk." That'll cost you $1.99 a minute, Flora.
Here's the bit where Melissa runs over the camera guy with her snazzy white sports car. It's on an MTV bloopers tape. I'm surprised the camera guy didn't scream or lose a toe or something. Melissa says that Melody asked for a ride home, so she gave it to her. (Insert your own "gave it to her" joke here.) Mike emerges in a towel, looking drained. Flora asks where is "friends" are and he says, "They went home, I don't know." Flora runs to the door, but it's true, they're gone. An interview of Mike shows him saying, "I have never seem Melissa with her clothes off." Then he looks away, touches his face, blinks and grins. Mm-hmm. Flora calls Mitchell to gossip.
Mike collapses on Sarah's bed. Snoring sounds are heard. Sarah comes in and starts to crack up, telling him about Flora breaking the window.
Back to the phone. Mitchell, no doubt clutching his pearls in one hand as he holds the phone in the other (tm owen), says, "Nooo! Oh my god, that is so scandalous! Were you sitting there watching too? Honey, don't involve yourself in these things." Um, too late.
Flora comes into the room where Sarah and Mike are hanging out...talking, just talking, okay? Flora jumps on Mike's back and squeals, "Hey porno star!" She massages his back. Sarah says, "We heard spanking." Mike denies that anything went on. Oh, boy.
Melissa walks up the walkway, smoking. She eyes the camera warily and tosses the butt into the bushes. She pokes her head into the room and innocently asks, "Mike, what's wrong?" Sarah high-fives her. Melissa absent-mindedly returns the high-five. In an interview, Melissa relays, "Nowadays, you can't get with everyone that turns you on. It's a lot safer to watch. Don't assume anything. I had no involvement with Mike and his woman." Wow, did Bill Clinton see this episode or what? He so channeled Melissa when he denied his involvement with Monica Lewinsky. Oh, boy.
Mike hugs Sarah to him. She makes a face and says, "You reek of broads!" Hee. He says, "C'mere, baby! Let's snuggle." Run, Sarah. Run fast, run far. Then she rips the towel off Mike and makes fun of his blob-like naked self. "Mike's naked! Nakey-wakey!" Then she clutches a stuffed rabbit to her face and says, "Bunny, help me." That must be some magic rabbit. Melissa brushes her wet hair and asks whether Cesar called. Flora says, "Yeah, and I told him you were in the shower with Mike and another chick." They all go to sleep.
We're back to the clip show. First, there's Cynthia. She's cracking up as she says, "I live with a whole bunch of freakazoids, man!"
Melissa gets paranoid and makes that blah-blah-blah gesture with her hands as she says rapidly, "Everybody's talking and now one saw anything. Everybody's talking and making their own assumptions."
There's a shot of Leroy the dog, barking in the shower.
Cynthia, still laughing, says, "If I were awake, non of this would have happened. I would have been throwing holy water on everybody, saying 'Y'all are going to hell! Y'all are going to hell!'" Then she cracks up and moves out of frame.
week: Cynthia visits Atlanta, Dan visits Kansas.