Melissa and Jamie, who are talking and dancing at the bar. In an interview, Jamie says he is attracted to Melissa because when he is around her, he is around a "completely original and completely special person." Plus, she gives him a huge ego boost. Jamie tells Melissa that they should engage in a "Hollywood kiss," and they start pretending to make out for the camera. Clearly, these two are drinking something a little stronger than cranberry juice. Melissa blows kisses to Jamie, but the sight of Danny dancing in the background distracts me. He's a good dancer! Anyway, in an interview, Melissa says she doesn't want to like Jamie, but she can feel it coming on and "the fight is on." Didn't we cover this ground last week? Can't they just do it already and get it over with? Melissa quotes the song that is playing in the background and tells Jamie, "I would love to love to love you." Jamie says it back to her. Melissa says they can't because he's a nerd, and she's a nerd, and two nerds together would be...words fail her as she just shakes her head. Tides reverse their flow all over the earth, because Jamie shakes his lunar-sized head too.
It's the day and Melissa is on the phone with Ryan, who tells her that he is serious "like a heart attack" about coming to visit her this weekend. In an interview, Melissa says she dated Ryan for a month and a half. Back on the phone, Melissa informs Ryan he will be there for her birthday. Hey, if they only dated for six weeks, I don't expect him to know when her birthday is. I can barely remember when my own birthday is half the time. Melissa is having a birthday party at "the Red Room." She asks Ryan what his visit is going to be like. Or maybe now she's talking to her Psychic Friend. It's not really clear. In an interview, Melissa says she's scared of Ryan's visit because she likes seeing other boys. She thinks Ryan is going to come out and "stake his claim" to her, and then she can't "enjoy the company of men." Is that what the kids are calling it these days? This whole interview would be a lot more interesting if we had any freaking clue what Ryan said back to her. Did he say that he was coming out to stake his claim? Or is Melissa reading into it too much? We will never know. Melissa tells Ryan she's scared that they will argue during his visit, and she doesn't want to do that. We see a shot of Melissa frantically rubbing the arm of the couch, and it's scary. Finally, she tells him that she hopes his visit is "completely nice." Wow, I bet he's already packed and ready to go, with that kind of enthusiasm.
A piano plays what the captioning identifies as a "dramatic melody," and that's a pretty apt description. We see a shot of the exterior of a building at Loyola College, and then David walking into the building. It turns out that David is the one playing the piano! They were all dramatic about it, like not revealing who it was, and showing the interior of the piano for about five minutes before finally panning out to reveal David. Whatever. In an interview, David says that playing the piano is his art and his communication, and that the piano is his best friend. Then he gets up and starts humping the piano. Well, not really, but he might as well have. I have to say that I too play the piano (although, honestly, not as well as David) and I do find it to be a great source of stress relief, and I miss playing a great deal now that I live in an apartment and don't have a piano. But I would never, ever call the piano my best friend. Dude, that's just sad.
Kelley is addressing her roommates in the kitchen. She shows that she is ready for a career in the corporate world by using the phrases "put our nose to the grindstone" and "all on the same page." Is that their collective nose, or does just one person have to suffer the grindstone? Anyway, Matt helpfully informs us that their first television show is in a few days and Kelley has "stepped up" as the leader. In an interview, Kelley says they have to produce the show, figure out the format, write it, and research it, so the whole thing is up to them. Oh dear God. I am so frightened of what the poor, unsuspecting citizens of New Orleans were forced to watch. Oh, wait, no one watches public access. Good! ["That's true. I used to have a public-access show and I still didn't watch." -- Sars] Anyway, Melissa says that they will start with an introduction of all of them, and then go to "crazy mad footage" of all of them going out and talking to people in the community. That's their plan? Maybe they should go into a little more detail, particularly on the points about "crazy" and "mad." I mean, one person's "crazy" could be another person's "not so much crazy." Jamie asks what hours they are all free to work some more. No one answers him. Kelley pipes up and says that the "huge problem" is going to be getting David there because of his job, and no one knows when he works. Danny says that David's job doesn't matter because his job doesn't come first. Who knew Danny was so ruthless? Kelley, of course, agrees. In an interview, Danny says that David has not shown any interest in the television show, and he has already acquired another job so the television show comes second. Won't he feel dumb when it all comes out that David is sending the money to his mom? What a coincidence that David was just discussing that in his interview!
Cut to Danny and Julie, sitting downstairs. Danny asks if Julie heard Kelley and David fighting about the show. Okay, Danny's wearing the gray sweater again. I like Danny, but this is getting ridiculous. All right, I'll give it one more week, but then I'm calling off the sweater-bashing moratorium. Anyway, Julie thinks that David is upset that they schedule meetings when he can't come. Julie knows it's hard to work around his schedule, but she doesn't think he's attended any meetings. Danny says they don't work around anyone else's schedule, so why should they work around David's? Good point, that.
Back upstairs, Kelley tells David that she doesn't think she's attacking him. David clearly disagrees and starts talking really, really fast. All I got out of it was that she shouldn't go into battle with him because she will lose. Oh, for Pete's sake. Grow up, David. Kelley says he should do what he has to do because they won't be having this conversation again. David agrees that they won't, meaning that she will stop "attacking" him. Kelley says they won't because she's not having it anymore, and walks off. You go, girl! I know that's a really lame saying, but I'm out of the loop. What do people say now instead of "You go, girl"? Come on, guys. Hook a sister up. Don't make me start watching TRL again.
Melissa is on the phone with Ryan again. She asks if he's planning to visit her as if she were a friend that he got to know and enjoy in Tampa, who he is now going to see in her new place, or if he's planning to visit his girlfriend. Why doesn't she just tell him that she doesn't want to be his girlfriend, and that he is still welcome to visit, but she wants to make that clear? I mean, I know the producers wouldn't want that, but I sure would. Anyway, Ryan doesn't know what he wants. In an interview, Melissa tells us he is a "hopeless romantic" and he thinks that she will end up back in Tampa and their relationship will "continue and flourish." Back on the phone, she tells him that she's concerned about hurting his feelings, and hopes he understands the "disaster and possible trauma" that goes with his visit. Wow, she really knows how to roll out the old welcome mat, eh?
The gang is at the television station. We know this because there are shots of antennas and satellite dishes. Or maybe they're in Area 51. Hey, there's an alien! Oh, it's just Matt. He asks the group, who are all in a conference room, what they hope to accomplish. Jamie says they should film all of them "doing stupid shit" and then pass a book around. Yeah, that sounds pretty much like every cable access show I've ever seen, especially the "doing stupid shit" part. David asks if the book thing is set in stone, because it will be a problem. Melissa and Kelley both say, "Why?" but before David can explain, we need to break for interviews.
Kelley says in an interview that Melissa came up with a good idea to have the introduction to their show feature each of them with a book with the "Real Seven" logo on the cover. Okay, so it's not great, but it's not terrible either. David says that the idea is that they should all be connected, but he wonders why they can't just each have a frame where "you do your thing, blah, blah, blah, whoo, whoo." Does he have Tourette's Syndrome? What is with him? Then David says that after each frame, they could have an effect like "bloooop" to the person. Yeah, good one. Hey, you know last week, when I didn't do the recap? I was on vacation with my boyfriend's family. And my boyfriend's sister has a toddler. Frequently, this toddler gets frustrated if his mother doesn't know what he wants or needs, as toddlers will, and he makes noises and screams and cries. So, his mother tells him to "use his words." I heard that A LOT while I was on vacation. Anyway, that's what I want to tell David right now. "Use your words, David. I can't help you if I don't understand what you want." Julie tries to explain how the book thing will work, and Melissa explains that it will end with the last person setting the book down and then the camera zooming in on the logo. Like I said, it's effective, and it's certainly better than "bloooooop!" David says it will be hard. What will be hard about it? It's a book. Every time you shoot an intro segment, the person holds the book. You edit it together. Oh, he makes me crazy. I'm not alone. The rest of the cast is exchanging looks like, "Can you believe this guy? What a tool." In an interview, Kelley says David wasn't there to help them figure it out, but he walked in and dismissed the idea which is "not easy to swallow for anyone." I'm not even going to touch that.
Back in the conference room, Melissa asks why the first segment has to have "original composition music." Oh, man, now she's done it. She's insulted David's music! His best friend! David says, "[Bleep] ideas. I'm doing something. I'm doing this [bleep]. Calm down, I'm taking care of this." He talks so fast that it's hard for me to figure out what swear words he is using. Julie giggles at all the cussing because they don't do that in Provo. Melissa says she's "hyped up because --" but David interrupts her to say she should "hype the fuck down." Melissa loses it. She yells at David, "Don't fucking talk to me like that! Time out! Time the fuck out!" as she picks up her chair and slams it down. She keeps yelling at him as she walks out of the room, swearing all the way about how she needs to take a break. Everyone else is cracking up at Melissa, so it's not like it was a big drama. Kelley goes out to get her, and someone named Stephanie (who has been visible through the conference room window for most of this segment) comes in and tells them that there are other people outside, including board members, so they need to keep it down and watch the language.
The gang is at Rocky's Bar, drinking and eating pizza. Well, it looks like it's just Jamie, Melissa, Ryan, and the Michaels. Melissa tells Ryan that she thinks he and his friends should come to her birthday party because New Orleans is all about "food, pizza, fun, and boot-izzy." Isn't that the new slogan for the New Orleans Chamber of Commerce? The captioning actually identifies Melissa's laugh after that as a "drunken giggle," in case you couldn't tell by the way she was speaking. In a confessional, Melissa says that she was drinking to avoid interacting with Ryan because she doesn't like making him sad, and she wants the whole issue to completely go away. Back in the bar, Melissa sucks down about half of her drink in one sip. Jamie tells her she won't make her birthday party if she keeps drinking at this rate. They bicker back and forth. Ryan just looks at them. I think they are trying to make it out like Ryan is all jealous of Jamie, but he really just looks kind of bored and slightly amused. And he looks like Dave Grohl.
They all walk into the Red Room. In an interview, Melissa says that Jamie planned this party for her. We see Melissa on stage, dancing with the drag queens while Ryan watches. They all sing "Happy Birthday" while Jamie stands there with a cake. Hey, this is the night that Bead was talking about in her Extra! I start scanning the crowd for Bead, but then realize that I've never met her and have no idea what she looks like. The drag queen changes the end of "Happy Birthday" to something about "spank your ass" and Melissa pulls up her dress to show off said ass. Okay, after all this sordid fare, it's time for that extra-special segment of the show that we like to call "Matt Passes Judgment."
In an interview, Matt says that Ryan seems like "a cool kid" and he feels bad for him. Ryan came to see Melissa and the first night he's there, "she's getting freaky with drag queens," dancing on the table at Red Room. Matt concludes that it's not the welcoming he would want when he goes to visit his girlfriend. First of all, he doesn't have a girlfriend. Second of all, it's not like Melissa just decided to act like this while Ryan was there. She acts like that all the time! I'm sure Ryan is aware of how Melissa acts in bars, and everywhere else. And third, I missed the part where someone was holding a gun to Ryan's head and forcing him to stay at the bar if he was so uncomfortable. I can't believe Matt has put me in the position of defending Melissa, who continues to dance on the tables with men while Ryan watches some more. In a confessional, Melissa says she drank a lot (no, really?) and her excuse is that she's never been the one in the relationship to say that it's not working out, and the whole thing backfired.
It's the morning. David and Melissa are discussing the party. In an interview, Melissa says that she and David never discussed what happened at work. They both know it happened, but they're over it. Do you get the feeling it will come up again this season, though? I do. Melissa tells David that people told her Ryan looked sad at the party, but she feels like you only live once and it was her birthday. He's still in town, and she needs to call him.
Melissa, Ryan, and the Michaels go out to some coffee shop. They are sitting at an outdoor table. Melissa asks if they are going to be friends or not, and says she's not interesting in "playing the role of heartbreaker." Ryan says that he's not interested in being heartbroken, and says that she brought it up. Can you believe that they are discussing this in front of the Michaels? If you were a Michael, wouldn't you be like, "Um, I think I need some more sugar for my coffee. I'll just be over here"? Melissa says that she may have brought it up now, but he brought it there. Ryan says that coming there made him realize why he likes Melissa so much, because she's "sweet," "hilarious," and a "nice person." He knows he should be thinking bad things about her, like what a bitch she is, but that's not the situation. He thinks she's "a big sweetheart," and he loves her to pieces. Aw, if some guy was saying things like that to me, in front of his friends no less, I'd reconsider the breakup. Melissa says she wishes he wouldn't say those things. Ryan jokes, "You're a big sweetheart, bitch." Melissa starts crying and says she wishes he did think she was a bitch, and that she wishes he hadn't come to visit because now she's the asshole. Once again, it all comes back to how Melissa feels and how it affects her. She is so incredibly self-centered.
week, Julie's "friend" comes to visit for Valentine's Day, but according to Bead's extra, it's her brother. What a lame, misleading promo. Then Kelley and Peter decide to try a relationship. Danny mixes attractive men and alcohol, and worries that he won't be able to stay faithful to Paul. And then there's a bunch of half-naked men in the hot tub!
Over the credits, we see Jamie, Melissa, and Danny making a really unfunny joke about ATM cards. I wrote it all down and I was going to transcribe the jokes here, but they're not funny and they don't even make sense. If you're looking for funny, go read another recap instead.