Previously: Heather and Eric got in a big fight, and Heather really managed to pierce Eric's glossy surface and hurt all two of his feelings. Andre and the "band" made a video.
It's the very last episode of the first season. Sniff.
Caption: The Last Four Days. There are also date/time captions but I'm too lazy to start recording those until the very end. Andre, musingly, says, "What does it mean to me after thirteen weeks?" Eric -- sporting a beret, Wilford Brimley's old glasses and of course, his shiny waxed chest under an open flannel shirt -- says, "I can't even begin to explain." I can tell you what it means to me, Eric, after thirteen episodes of you: it means bleeding eyeballs. I retract that earlier "Sniff." Becky says that it was a "constant mirror" and very intense when everything you do is "being reflected back at you." I wonder if she means, "Everyone you sleep with is then put on the show"?
Kevin tells us that one of the problems with "our generation" is that people are rarely honest with one another and themselves, and that one thing about the loft is he got to know people who are trying to be honest with themselves and others and be human beings. During this monologue there are shots of Kevin frolicking with Julie, and then with Eric, of all people. Okay, maybe in a general sense Eric gets classified as a human being, because he is a carbon-based biped who has the power of human speech, but what grade of crack was the editor smoking when he put him in these clips?
Andre says he got to meet six very interesting people. Cut to a shot of Norman telling everyone how dolphins not only sleep with their parents, but they are homosexual and they masturbate with mackerel. Haw! I love Norman. I'd like to commend the editors here for managing to achieve some humor -- with a little subtlety, even. Then Andre goes on to tell us how his Real World stint got exposure for the band.
Caption: Andre's Industry Showcase. Why No, They Can't Dance is playing. It's your standard three-chord complaint rock. The concert's in the loft. Norman and Julie are watching from a balcony above and bopping along.
Julie tells us that it's over and she has mixed emotions about it. She's glad, but at the same time she knows that it will never be this way again, and it's been such a huge part of everyone's life. Cut back to Andre singing, "Things will be different now..." I wish I had medical coverage for the anvils Bunim-Murray keeps dropping on my head.
Back in the loft, post-set. A big crowd is there. It's a party! Becky is telling Andre it was an amazing set. Andre is wearing his seventh-grade-Civics-teacher houndstooth blazer. I don't know if Andre's been clued into the fact that there's no "corporate casual" dress code in rock music, but someone really ought to tell him. Becky tells him she hopes everything works out with his music, and that it was great spending all this time with him. Everyone at the party cheers.
Becky: "I'll be very sad on Sunday when I have to say goodbye to everybody. Because we all love each other so much. And we all know it's not going to be the same even though we're going to stay in touch, unless we got a big loft and lived together...but I wouldn't want to do that either, since there's a time when the party has to end." How quickly Becky changes her mind.
Andre back at the party. He says, "It's done, isn't it?" Then he says it's been a blast and he loves everybody and plans on seeing them all after Sunday. Christ. It's like watching a high school graduation. When do they sign each other's fucking yearbooks to go along with the avowals of undying friendship? Becky tells us that each of them is basically the same person he or she was when they walked in, that they're not a melting pot or anything like that.
Julie says she thought it was just a chance to get out of Birmingham and to get her career started in entertainment and film, and then when she realized what the show was about, she thought it was even more interesting. We are then subjected to many shots of Julie dancing in a studio class. Julie openly tells us that she enjoys dancing and it lets her be creative, but she doesn't understand how she's supposed to take advantage of this. Good for Julie. On the one hand I'm sorry she didn't get to explore her dancing in a wider arena, but on the other hand, I'm glad she didn't become some sad, typical Hollywood ho-bag.
Julie and her dance teacher talk. The teach tells her she needs to decide where she wants to go: she can go to Broadway or to do TV and videos. Julie says she wants to do TV and video. The teach tells her there's not much money in that. Yes, as opposed to the bags of cash they give away to members of the chorus lines on Broadway.
Julie says that she had career goals and personal goals when she got to New York, and that she's met more personal and emotional goals than she even wanted, even, but that she's sacrificed her career goals. You know, I think it's fascinating how the first season just naturally gravitated toward Julie, and she's probably the only cast member who was in almost every single episode. And she didn't even sleep with any directors, unlike some parties I could mention, but won't. ["That's why every subsequent season has a character that's clearly calculated to be 'the Julie,' like Jon in Los Angeles, or Cynthia in Miami, or -- most shamelessly -- the other Julie in New Orleans. But there'll never be another New York Julie. She was one of a kind." -- Wing Chun]
Speak of the devil. Becky tells us that Julie's learned a lot about living in the city, and some "delusions of youth" were washed away. Becky: stick a sock in it.
up, Heather. Yay, Heather! Of course she is the only one besides Julie to speak without a large, heaping tablespoonful of bullshit added. A montage of clips of Heather being cute and having fun run during her voice-over. She says that they all knew it was going to end, and that they are all sad to see it end. She says that she was sort of waiting for it to end, but she's not at all disappointed she did it. We see a clip of Eric and Heather embracing.
Anyone who's lactose-intolerant should stop reading now. Because it's time for Eric's interview. He's sporting the "intellectual French pool boy" look he was in the beginning shots of the show. Très chic! Eric says that what he likes about Heather is that she's just Heather and does whatever she wants, and doesn't care what other people say or think, but just speaks her mind. Montage of Eric/Heather interaction shots run. Then a great shot of Heather screaming, "Eric, why don't you just shut the fuck up?" Oooh. My VCR almost mutinies after I rewind and play that part about eight times.
"Road to Nowhere" by the Talking Heads plays as Norman tells us, "Heather is The General. She is the General and doesn't deal with all the other stuff. And if you can't be a General, don't speak to Heather." More clips of Heather.
Becky says she thinks Heather is great, "even with all her ideas and the rules that she lives by" and that Heather understands a part of Becky that no one else does.
Okay, enough with the fucking montages. So far this episode reminds me of that ultra-lame sitcom convention, the "Remember When?" episode where we're subjected to Lucy Ricardo/Richie Cunningham/Alex P. Keaton or WHOEVER filling us in on some high-larious event in the past because the cast and crew were too damned lazy to film a new episode.
Anyways. Caption: Becky at Sin-é. Heather says that Becky confuses her a lot because she knows that Becky wants to do her music, but that Heather doesn't know what she's doing about it, and that Becky just seems so weird about the whole thing. Becky is lackadaisically strumming her guitar and playing. You know, Becky is a really cute girl, if you subtract that whole Incredibly Fucking Annoying thing she has going on.
Julie, Norman, and Andre are in the audience. Julie says that it was excellent to see Becky in her own environment, and that she was wonderful, and that she didn't understand how someone couldn't just love Becky after seeing her that way. Outside, the lofties applaud Becky as she exits after the show with her friend.
Close-up of Eric as he speaks. I now realize the beret he is wearing is made of BLACK LEATHER. Hey, Eric, the song is "Raspberry Beret," not "Black Leather Beret," you dumb-ass. Anyway. He says, "You don't want to ask me about Becky," with what I'm sure he thinks is a charming smile, but in reality is a smarmy, shit-eating grin. Cut to a shot of Becky wearing her faux-Gaultier gear from the beginning of the season and squeezing her Dixie-cup boobs. Eric shakes his head, laughing, and says, "I got nothing to say about Becky."
Becky says, "Eric -- how can you describe Eric?" Well, I have a few choice phrases. Shall I list them alphabetically or by subject? Moving on. Becky says, "Eric is like somebody's brother." She goes on to say that it's not that they haven't gotten close but...And here it's apparent that they obviously HAVEN'T gotten close since she concludes rather lamely by saying, "Eric is Eric."
A montage of Eric shots follows. Many of them are from his modeling shoots. Of course, in every shot of him at the loft, he's not wearing a shirt. Wow! That noise was the sound of me floored with lust at the sight of his hairless chest and copper-rivet nipples! Whoo-hoo MTV and Bunim-Murray! Could this get any more titillating? ["Come on. I know he's an idiot, but you could grate cheese on his stomach." -- Wing Chun]
Julie tells us that there's a lot more to Eric than his looks. That's true, especially if you list off all his bad, annoying, and banal qualities. Her monologue is intercut with scenes of Eric working out -- ironically the only time when he is wearing a shirt, with SLEEVES, even, -- frolicking on the street, etc. She goes on to say that he's got an incredible body and "the face," and everything, but that he's also an incredible person on the inside. Okay, let's dissect him and see if that's true, shall we?
Norman says that Eric deals with him in a very comical way, since Eric knows that Norman is attracted to men. Norman then throws his hands up in the air and says, "Well, everyone should be attracted to Eric. I mean, dogs, cats, men, women, whatever." Norman. Put down. The crack pipe. This ends with a shot of Eric in his black leather vest from the April Fools' Day joke on Kevin "playing" nelly saying, "Eat my shorts."
Eric talks about Norman. He says that Norman always has lots of stories about lots of stuff. Cut to Norman telling this incredibly drawn-out, vivid and very detailed story about a tick sucking blood out of his neck. Heather says that she could do without a Norman story every now and then, and that she could spare five minutes -- heck maybe even half an hour -- doing something else.
Heather and Andre are peering into a hole in the floor at Norman doing his one-on one. Caption: Norman's Last Interview. (It Took Forever). Heather and Andre glance at the camera, cracking up.
Cut to Norman talking about Andre and saying, "Andre's my friend." Julie starts cracking up. Andre says wonderingly, "He's so open!" Andre then pretends to say, "Norman, this is God." Heather then shouts into the hole, "Norman, shut up so we can eat!" Everyone cracks up. Norman shouts, "I am trying!"
Julie explains the last game the lofties played together. They all wrote down questions, threw them into a bowl, and each loftie had to pull out one and answer it.
Julie's turn. Her question is, "Why do you think you were one of the seven 'chosen ones?'" She says that she thinks it's pretty obvious and I cringe, thinking she's about to say something dumb and conceited à la Eric Nies, but instead she says something typically modest and sweet: "They found six of the biggest characters...and then threw in Joe Average to laugh [at them]."
Kevin's question is, "What is everyone's best quality?" He says Julie's is that she's honest and sincere. Julie says thanks. Norman is "multi-dimensional," while Eric is "dedicated." Norman says, "That's good" in a faux-condescending voice. He pauses at Andre. Andre says, "Andre is well-rested!" Everyone laughs. Heather agrees, and says that Andre has the effect of making you feel lazy, and that he makes it easy to take it easy.
Andre asks, "Who would you have sex with in the loft?" Eric hems and haws and says things like, "I think I know who I would want to, and then I think who I would really want to," and then finally cuts to the chase and says, "I think it would be Julie." Julie is laughing, a little uncomfortable. I, on the other hand, am not laughing, and am extremely uncomfortable. Kevin is curled up, howling with laughter beside Eric. Eric says he has "reasons behind it." Andre says, "Oh, reasons behind it -- maybe it's an erection." Damn! Andre, that was pretty funny! Everyone laughs, a little uncomfortably.
Shot of the outside of the loft. Cut to inside. Eric shouts, "Julie! What are you doing tonight?" Heather shouts, "Shut up, Eric! We're gossiping!"
Julie in her interview. She tells us that it was a life experience packed into three months, and that she saw and heard things that she didn't even want to see. A montage of Julie clips rolls by, including the fights with Kevin. She says that one of the great things to come out of it was her friendship with Heather B., and that they'll be friends until the day they die. Okay, maybe it's because I'm on my moon, but I teared up like a madman at this part. Maybe because unlike the contrived, plastic bubbleheads on the Real Worlds to follow, it feels like Julie is really sincere.
Shot of Heather and Julie hugging. Heather tells us that one of the best things about the experience was her friendship with Julie. Andre says that Heather and Julie are the cutest couple. Damn. Now I feel bad for making fun of Andre. Oh wait, it passed. Heather says that they're a good combination because Julie can bring her down when she needs to be calmer, and maybe she can help Julie when she needs to be more aggressive, and that she doesn't know how it works, but it does. Sniff.
Eric pops in on Heather and Julie gossiping. Heather asks Eric what was the funniest thing he saw in the loft. Eric says, deadpan, "I don't know, not that many funny things happened." Wait. Did Eric just make a joke? Isn't that one of the signs of the coming Apocalypse? He tells the girls that the funniest night was when everyone came back from Limelight and piled onto his bed and Kevin wigged out because he had to get up early the morning.
Eric tells us that he still doesn't know what's going through Kevin's mind, with all his views and points about things. Probably because Eric is still in "Primitive Man" mode -- you know, just discovering that sharpened sticks that can be used for digging, while Kevin has progressed to "Relatively Developed Man" mode, which includes mastery of human speech and an unfortunate fondness for spoken word filled...with...dramatic...pauses. Shot of Kevin looking pensive, shot of Kevin at his desk, typing. Some of Kevin's infamous dialogue from the past season is played in this echo-ey voiceover.
Julie says that Kevin has a problem delivering the important message behind whatever it is that he's saying. Becky says she cares about Kevin enormously, and that she doesn't think he's racist. This is intercut with Kevin telling someone how culturally everything that's bad is black -- being blacklisted, etc. Becky says that sometimes Kevin maybe made mountains out of molehills. Becky says, of the fight with Kevin, that she learned something about herself. Then, apropos of nothing, there's a shot of Becky playing with the Ouija board as it spells out, "You will live in the Betty Ford Clinic," and a shot of Andre doing a fake rim shot. What. The hell?
Andre says that the living situation with the camera was exactly what he expected, but that he didn't expect he would get so paranoid and fearful. Shot of Andre getting ready in his room and spying the camera and being startled. He goes on to say that some of the sweetest people were behind the cameras, but that it still made him really paranoid. Shot of Andre with the camera practically jammed up his noise as he says, "I'm eating. I must be left alone while I'm eating." Julie says that Andre is very involved with his band and focused on that, but maybe he's learned he can venture out and fit in with other types of people.
Andre then does a proto-Charles Barkley and tell us he's not a role model, that parents are role models, not rock stars or sports stars. Becky says that Andre is what he is, and that's "so admirable."
Caption: Saturday Midnight. Norman's slumped on a mattress in the loft's living room, saying, "We're going to make a bed like the Seven Dwarves, right?" Becky says, "Yeah!" and jumps onto the mattress with him. Norman watches as Eric hauls his mattress over the edge of the staircase and says, "He's going to drop that bed out of his window. He's going to drop that bed. He's going to drop that bed," until he finally does. It lands where Norman and Becky were lying.
Cut to Julie and Heather lying on her bed together. Eric enters. Heather says, in a super-fake announcer voice, "They wanted sex in The Real World." Julie says, "Instead, they got --" "US," Heather says, finishing the sentence. They crack up.
They all start hauling their mattresses out to the living room or dropping them over the stairwell. Cut to Heather saying, "I tried to explain to everyone why there's no sex in the apartment. It's because everyone...is ugly. It's like living with your brother or sister. You don't think your brother or sister is cute!" Montage of everyone fighting or being generally goofy. There's also a shot of Becky and Julie in the shower with Norman soaping up his face. WHOA, nellie! Where the hell was that episode? Heather continues, "Who wants to sleep with Norman or Andre or Eric? Get AWAY! That's why there's no sex!"
"Gimme All Your Lovin'" by ZZ Top plays as the lofties make up the giant bed in the living room. Cut to Eric in the hallway on the phone with Missy, apologizing for some "bad things" he said the last week or two. Cut to his interview. He tells us he was still on edge whether things were going to really work out, so he just stopped calling her, and then he found out that weekend she fooled around with some guy in a bar. Two words: HA. HA. shot: Eric drinks out of a pitcher of, I think, beer. The lofties are sitting, hanging out the window.
Julie says, laughing, "We are getting to new lows tonight." Eric asks, "Do you wanna get naked tonight?" Julie makes a "what the hell?" face and laughs. Eric says, "You don't think I got it?" in a joking manner. Julie says, "I know you got it," and Eric says, "I'm a MAN!" This would've been almost funny, if I hadn't been so preoccupied about Eric, on that window ledge, tilting maybe ten degrees forward.
Julie says that Eric was being loud and obnoxious -- big surprise there -- and that she wished he would shut up and go to sleep, and then she realized she needed to listen to this and absorb, since she wasn't going to hear it soon.
Eric walks through the kitchen, proclaiming, "It is time for Eric. To see it ALL." He walks over to a closed door. The caption reads, "The Real World Control Room." Eric yells, "I want to go in! This is not fair! I love all you guys! Pleeeeease! I'm not goin' away! I want to come in!" He grins at the camera in a fake, pleading manner. Damn. This part was pretty funny.
The door opens a crack. Caption reads, "George, Real World Producer." George very brusquely says, "You can't come in.
Norman says that Eric was itching to get into that room, and there was no way they were going to keep him out. Cut to the scene outside the Control Room. It's general chaos. Eric is raving and taking all the jackets off the hangers and raving about getting into the room. The staff inside the room is sort of laughing, and sort of freaking out. Norman's on the phone, calling Julie and Heather and saying, "Rush, rush, rush!" and telling them to get down there. They run down. Norman yells, "Reinforcements!"
They start pounding on the door and yelling at them to open it. Kevin walks down the hall, laughing. Finally the door opens and Julie and Heather rush inside. They start cheering, "We're in! We're in!" and jump up and down.
Kevin, Eric, and the camera crews trailing them burst into the room. They're all shouting, laughing and screaming. The Control Room is filled with computers and banks of TVs, as expected. It's a bit surreal, as we can see the scene reflected on the screens around then, and bits of the dialogue and action are being recorded verbatim onto the computers.
Norman, gleeful, turns to the camera and says, "I feel like we're sperm and just broke into the egg!" God, I love Norman. Kevin says he feels like they just got off of Gilligan's Island after three months. Julie, who is so cute I could put her on a cracker and eat her, introduces herself to a staffer who's probably done nothing but watch her for the last three months: "Hi, I'm Julie. Nice to meet you!" Everyone's shaking hands and tons of introductions are being made. It's a very festive, we've-graduated-call-your-teachers-by-their-first-names sort of feeling.
Eric is a nut. He must be drunk. He's screaming, "I love this place! I love everyone in here! Show me everything! You guys can launch space shuttles from here, am I right?" He then is entranced by the sight of his own face -- surprise, surprise. Andre walks in and says, "Well, well, well." Becky and Bill the ex-director wander around the control room. Bill looks sort of lost and sad.
Norman tells us that the last night was sort of a Carnivale, the Italian holiday where everyone reverses roles. I think Norman is sort of twisting the holiday to suit his own metaphorical ends, since Carnivale marks the big indulge-yourself festival before Lent starts, but whatever.
"It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" by R.E.M. plays. Cut to a shot of Andre holding the mike boom and Norman operating the camera. Heather also has a mike and Julie a camera, and they're all tracking staff members.
Eric and Norman are in the control room watching everything, cracking up. Eric gurgles, "This is GREAT. I love it!" Somehow he has found another opportunity to take his shirt off. Does he just molt the goddamned things off, like a snake, or what?
Caption: Cameraman imitates Eric. Oh, oh. It's almost worth watching thirteen episodes of Eric Nies to see this. A cameraman sits at the table, shirtless and wearing tiny shorts wolfing down spaghetti as he talks to "Missy" on the cordless phone: "Missy! I told you I still love you!"
Eric says, "If there's a camera in your face, it's definitely going to change the way that you'd normally be, and they were in our life also. You can't not say that they didn't affect us. But once we got to talking to everybody, it made things easier for us." Another eloquent explanation from the mouth of Eric Nies. Love it. Learn it. Live it.
Cut to Becky and a staffer acting out some Jerry Springer-type deal. Becky's shouting, "Your father beat you!" Then, in best Tennessee Williams fashion, she clutches her hair and screams dramatically. Becky says that The Real World is the best reflection you could get of reality, and there was nothing set up, that they were real about everything and that they didn't think about the cameras after the initial shock. Becky: you can take the chip out of your neck now. The show is OVER.
As she finishes up, saying, "It's as real as can be," the camera cuts to a shot of Andre and Julie sitting on the floor cross-legged, playing at wrestling. The staff watches as Norman, clad only in gray Y-fronts and holding a blanket behind him like a cape, sneaks up behind them and then falls on them. Fake shouts of terror emerge from the blanket.
Caption: Sun 11:30 A.M. "It Ain't Over Till It's Over" by Lenny Kravitz plays. The lofties get up and start doing all the final packing and cleaning. Eric says he's going to miss everyone -- cameramen, everybody, even the refrigerator repair guy, and that he met a lot of great people and made some new lifelong friends. He can't believe it's over already -- that three months passed by in two days. Dear Eric, Hallmark called, and their lawyers want you to know that their greetings cards are copyrighted. Sincerely, MBTV.
Becky plays the guitar as Heather makes up a song about having to pack up and leave. Heather tells us HER life lessons: that the real world is about not being someone else and being happy with yourself, and that if you've got that, you can deal with anybody. I get the feeling that Heather pretty much already knew this prior to being on the show.
Cut back to Becky and Heather. Heather says that if she could sing, she'd sing for free.
Norman and Julie are at the window. Norman tells us he was neurotic about coming out to the lofties, and that he learned that it worked out okay, and that was really important to him, and that he won't be afraid of who he is anymore. Oh, fine -- sniff.
Andre's on the phone. He says, "It was a great experience." Cut to Becky and Kevin. Kevin's strumming the guitar. Becky takes it from him and says, "I'll teach you how to play the blues." Kevin, for once making a joke and not taking every sentence as an opportunity to get all Louis Farrakhan, says, "I am the blues, baby!"
Kevin's interview. He says that he came to the experience as a cynic, that he didn't know what anyone could teach him since he was the oldest in the loft and had a lot more life experience, but that wasn't the case. Cut to a shot of Becky switching Kevin's fingering on the guitar. Oooh! For all you non-Literature majors out there, that's SYMBOLISM. Kevin says it's an example of what can happen in society, that we can learn from one another when we're forced to do so.
Caption: Sun 6:30 P.M. Andre and Julie swing their hands in the almost empty living room. Julie says that she thinks they'll all stay in touch -- maybe some more than others, but she'll always want to know what's going on with everyone, and that they have a strong tie.
The lofties exchange hugs. Kevin is the first to leave. Heather shouts after him, "Anything you leave, we split it!" Eric says, "Yo, I'm out of here. Peace." Don't let the door hit ya in the ass on your way out!
Becky plays with the Ouija board. She makes it spell out, "Norm will be president." More hugs as Andre leaves. It's down to Julie, Becky, Heather and Norman as they leave the loft.
Eric says, "This is the real world. This is what happens every day. There's no way around it. No scripts, nobody's telling you what to do, no cue cards, this really happened. I don't know if the point gets across, but I hope it does. 'Cause this is real." How very eloquent! I sure hope Bunim-Murray has those words emblazoned on a plaque as their mission statement. Actually, now that I think about it, they probably do.
Shots of Becky, Norman, Heather and Julie saying goodbye and getting into taxis, cars, etc. Julie cries. Cut to an empty shot of the living room. Music fades up -- once again it's good old R.E.M. Wobbling, the camera zooms down a darkened hall and focus on the aquarium. Credits roll. The dedication reads, "Dedicated to SMOKEY THE CAT (Wherever You Are)."