The kids receive their job assignment. Tyler and Jose bitch about rich Svet and hope that she pulls her weight -- since they need money, and the Russian Princess doesn't. The kids go on a "Ghost Tour" of haunted spots in Key West and learn about a scary doll. The boys then decide to scare the sleeping girls by wrapping Jose in TP, like the doll, and scaring them, or something. Sigh. They show up for their new job at an art gallery. Svet whines and pulls a pouty face; she doesn't "get" art. But their job turns out to be running and setting up a spray tanning salon franchise at the art gallery space. Paula agrees to work on the business...so she can ignore her eating disorder. Good plan. The kids have lunch and all babble about what they hope to do with the job. (In other words, we get to sit in on a business meeting...and it's about that interesting.) Tyler insults Svet by telling her that she annoys him. "Tough love," he calls it. Janelle gets in on picking on Svet. Svet is sad. Zach tries to defend her. Job. The kids paint the walls. Tyler and Svet make up and then play in a bubble bath together. She feels "his junk."
Previously. Svet wanted friends. Paula was jealous of John's pizza. Tyler was mean to Svet's giant boobs. Why would anyone name a child "John" anymore? It's just like saying, "Here. I'll put absolutely no thought into your name. Whatever. John. There, we named him. I'ma go watch some TV."
Credits. Kids. Key West. Water. Many little islands that will soon be underwater. (Oooh. Message-y, this week!)
Water. Water. Key West. Houses. Houses. The house. Montage of Paula hammocking, while inside, Svet does internet research on eating disorders and makes up, like, a cheat sheet or something. The fuck? Janelle and Tyler dis her, Tyler saying that they're not supposed to be doing a research paper, and that they should find Paula a psychologist. Svet snots, sarcastically, "Yeah. Cuz it's that simple." And Tyler threateningly points an envelope at her and warns her not to speak like that to him. Uh, you mean condescendingly? Like, exactly the way you constantly speak to her? Wait, why the hell am I defending Svetlana on The Real World? I don't give a fuck. Be hypocritical all you want, Tyler. I'm going to go make me a bowl of Cheerios-and-bourbon. Svet is wearing thick drag makeup, for some reason, as Tyler continues to dis her plan to hand Paula a piece of paper with facts about anorexia on it. The only way that piece of paper could possibly help Paula is if Svet put peanut butter on it and made Paula eat it. Svet camera-nasals that Tyler is always saying mean things to her to try to hurt her. Yes, and for God's sake don't stop, Tyler. It's funny.
The doorbell rings. Faceless Blonde at the door (not literally faceless; that would be terrifying!). She gives them a piece of paper announcing that they will be starting their new job the day. Man, I wish employment really worked like that -- that you'd be sitting at your house in your underwear doing nothing and someone would just show up or call to say that you have a job the day. Oh, yeah, they do have that. It's called "temping." Jose camera-gays that he's excited to work, and that he's tired of sitting on his ass all day. The kids look up something on the internet that leads them to believe they'll be doing something with art. Zach -- his hippie eyes thick-lidded not from pot but from his missing chromosomes -- camera-naps that he always thought they'd be doing something with deep-sea diving, or sharks. Uh, okay.
Night. Sailboat. House. Deck. Tyler and Jose have a little boys' bonding. They discuss how certain people in the house don't need money, and that they hope the fact that there are The Rich in their ranks (Svet, clearly) won't inhibit their business from being successful; Tyler is worried that Svet won't take the job seriously. Jose camera-eyebrows that Svet is constantly going back and forth about her background, pretending to have grown up in the 'hood (pot, kettle!) but also flaunting her rich cars and belongings. Ooh, yeah. There is something noxious about the rich pretending not to be. And they all do it. If I were rich, I'd be up in your grill about it. Make you feel poor assholes feel hella poor and shitty. Jose adds that he needs to make some money and that he always works by himself on his "business ventures," and now he has to rely on these fucktards and it's hard for him. Jesus Piss Christ, Jose, we all know you're a "businessman." We get it. Now put down the tweezers and give it a fucking rest, ya slumlord. Go to your building and fix some pipes or update the electrical or something, before all your tenants die. Tyler lisps up a storm, saying that they really need to "sssit down" and look at the "ssskills" and "weaknesssssessss" they all have as workers. Jose helpfully foreshadows that he thinks some of them are going to "bump heads."
Night. Stray cat staring at the camera. Stray cat in fast-motion, walking. Lightning. Rain. Rainy hammock. Kitchen. Everyone drinking. "I'm doing some serious ghost-hunting tonight!" flames Tyler. Janelle -- looking really bitchy and upset that she has to read these stupid lines -- camera-snots that she decided it would be fun if they went on a Ghost Tour (it wouldn't) and got to know each other better (please don't).
Still raining. The kids wear white rain slickers as a very excited "Brant" leads them on their ghost tour. He shouts, "I'll be your guide this evening," and the Kids With Avids have a bit of fun, graphicking: "Brant, Your Guide This Evening." Heh. Svet is looking worried. She thinks it's going to be scary. Walking through town. Walking. They stop in front of a theatre, and Brant screams a very rehearsed story in that forced and scripted cadence that only shitty tour guides who clearly hate their lives get. The story is that the place used to be a church and it burned down and seventeen kids died and to this day you can hear screaming children during performances. (Maybe they just hate the show?) They intercut the story with shots of the kids watching, and when Brant gets to the part about screaming, Svet makes her "O" face -- which is one I'm sure she's never made in real life. Yet. (There's still time.) Zach camera-fros that while Svet and others were scared, he was just like, "Get me out of the rain." Get me out of my living room.
Out of the rain. Hard Rock! Wow. People still go to those? (What? I'm told no, they do not.) The kids eat, along with Brant. Brant tells a story about "Robert" the doll, who is possessed and makes people have bad luck. (Apparently it's what the Child's Play series is based on. Well, that and Jennifer Tilly's boobs.) They listen, freaked out -- especially Svet and Tyler. Drunken John slurs something, and Janelle camera-talks that she's going to be freaked out about the story from now on.
Night. City. House. The girls hang around doing nothing. The boys do even more nothing: they fish. Then, because they've been asked to by the producers, they decide to devise a plan where they make a fake Robert doll. Zach says, "No. That's not scary. We gotta do something scary." Well, you already did. You put that green headband around your giant jewfro. Okay, so they decide (sigh) to dress Jose up in toilet paper "like" Robert the doll and try to scare the girls in the middle of the night. Zach sighs and says, through his nose, "That's a lot of work." Fucking nitwits.
Later. 4:15 AM. The boys set an alarm and get up. I can't believe they're actually bothering to go through with this and not just going right back to sleep. They make sure the girls are asleep, and they go downstairs and, yup, wrap Jose in toilet paper from head to toe. It's pretty ridiculous, and kinda funny, in a "compared to what?" kind of way. Jose walks stiff-legged up the stairs as the boys whisper-laugh behind him. Commercials.
Back. Zach and John crawl into the girls' closet to watch as Jose goes to the foot of Svet's bed and starts moaning. Then he jumps onto the bed and the girls wake up, really not giving a shit. "That's really scary," whines Svet, totally not scared. "We came through, boys," lies Jose. Wow. Just. Stellar television entertainment, B/M. Kudos.
Clouds. Sky. House. Morning. The kids get ready in the big bathroom. Janelle gets her hair did. Jose shaves. Paula crimps. John irons. Wearing a paisley headband (Why? Is he part of Crosby, Stills, and Nash now?), John camera-talks that finally they're going to get to learn what they're going to be doing for work for the four months. Four months?! (Note to self: Kill self. Also, go buy groceries. Today for lunch I had a turkey sausage, cheese, a bowl of soup, and some Junior Mints.) Zach dresses up. He jokes about poop with Svet. Who doesn't?
They leave. Driving. Driving. Ford commercial. They pull up to the "Pineapple Gallery." (Is that near the Peanut Gallery? Sorry...) They walk around, and Svet starts comically frowning (frowning so hard it looks like she's doing a parody of frowning), and finally she snots, "I do not want to sell art!" Svet sits down and says, "This blows." She then camera-snits, "I don't get art." Then she shrugs. Heh. She adds that she's not happy about this and doesn't know how to sell something she doesn't like. Bitchface, I used to sell courses at the Learning Annex. You think I liked classes about Running Your Own Import/Export Business or An Evening With Star Jones? (Well, actually the Star Jones one was very informative.) Tyler suddenly busts out and lays into Svet, wondering what she could possibly be upset about when she doesn't even know what they're doing yet, going on to call her "an ornery little brat." Woo! "Ornery"? Tyler sure knows how to get a girl right where it hurts.
Their boss walks in. It's "Ricky Croft." He sets up an easel. The Ricker says they're going to be doing a business venture together, and asks if any of them has started their own business? Tyler smirks as Svet stutters that she started a "3-D Imaging Center," until Tyler finally admits for her that, no, her parents did. Well, but she worked there! Heh. The Ricker says that he co-invented Mystic Tan, and the kids all clap in faux recognition. They love doing embedded commercials for fake tanneries. Who doesn't? We see a commercials for Mystic Tan, intercut with John's insanely-smiling face. He camera-talks that maybe this business will attract some hot babes. (Unlike, art. Only ugly chicks like art.) Girls who want to "tan it up a little bit." Also, ones who like blank frat boys in headbands. The Ricker goes on to say that they're going to split the profits on each thirty-dollar tan fifty-fifty. They have to basically build the place and then hold a grand opening in two weeks. He dismisses them. So did I. Two weeks ago.
Sailboat. Beach. Beach. Completely empty restaurant. They eat, having a business discussion about their individual skills. Janelle says that she's a good salesman. She can "make people buy." Sure, clearly you have such a great personality that everybody on the boards labeled you a bitch before you'd ever actually said a single bitchy thing. Yup, you're the one for the job! Paula babbles about something and then camera-talks, basically, that instead of actually working on her fatal eating disorder, she's going to focus on the tanning job instead, and put the whole silly not-dying thing "on a little bit of a hold." Jose says nothing important. Zach spends twenty minutes babbling, basically saying that they need to learn to divide work and home and leave squabbly shit at the job, and vice versa. Yeah, that's going to happen. Tyler says that he does sales and wants to make a lot of money. He camera-bitches that he hates people who let their potential pass on by "like a turd in a river." That's such a popular analogy, he kind of had to use it. Svet realizes that everyone is talking in code about her, so she declares that despite being annoying and stupid almost all the time, she's a really good worker. Tyler shakes his head, in a clever editing moment. Svet camera-boobs that this will be a good way for her to show Tyler that she's capable. John makes an AA joke. Ha, real funny, John. Not to us in recovery. Asshole!
Bike path. Jogging. Water. House. Kitchen. Tyler declares that they should pair up, and that he doesn't want to work with Svet because she'll get on his nerves. Wow. That's mean. "Just being honest," he says. Svet tries to argue against it, doing that thing that girls do where they put their hair in a ponytail while they talk. What do you call that? (Oh. I'm told it's just called "Putting your hair in a ponytail while you talk." Well, it should have a name.) "Your loss," Svet tells Tyler. Tyler bitchily watches Svet walk away, and then turns to Janelle all prissy and slithers, "You know what I'm trying to say." Svet camera-snots that she's never met anyone as condescending as Tyler.
Night. City. Water. House. Bathroom. Svet tries to put on her makeup as Tyler non-apologizes, trying to paint himself as doing her a favor when he calls her on shit, saying that she annoys everyone but that he's the only one brave enough to say anything. Here's the problem: by not just kicking him in the balls and telling him to get the fuck out of her life, Svet has shown weakness. And with someone like Tyler, that's death. But then in some fucking bizarre justification, Tyler camera-talks that what he's doing to Svet is exactly what his parents did to him -- telling him that he can't get away with shit. "It's kind of tough love," he says. Yeah, very tough. Suddenly, Janelle butts in, too. Janelle, annoyed that her name was bought up by Svet, says, "I choose not to deal with you," and goes on to say that it's because Svet has "no etiquette." Tyler and Janelle continue to beat up on Svet until she starts crying and leaves the bathroom. At that, Janelle smiles. Oh, now I see why people think she's a bitch.
Upstairs, Svet cries in her closet. Svet asks Zach and Paula to be honest and tell her if she annoys people. They both bite their tongues. "I don't think there's anything wrong with me!" Svet weeps. Aw. This is kinda cute. I hope all bratty girls go though The Awakening, like Svet is right now. Zach tells her that the way she acts is, to him, "No big deal." Faint praise. He clarifies that she's goofy and fun and that he can just roll his eyes at her if he needs to. He hones it on the situation, saying that Tyler takes Svet's behavior as "weakness" and picks at it. Svet puts her hood on and cries that she feels like an outcast. "I don't want to be here!" she camera-sobs. Commercials.
Day. Water. Water. Palm tree. Dumb statue. Deck. Faucet. Svet does her makeup. Kitchen. Zach tells Tyler and Janelle that they left Svet crying last night. Tyler says that he treats everybody that way, if he thinks they're being ridiculous. Oh, well, since you do it to everybody, then. In that case, I take back when I said you were a snippy little preventative-strike-taking insecure bitch-boy. Zach says that Svet's nonsense doesn't bother him. Tyler tells Zach that he's going to have to "grow a pair" and tell people how he feels about them time, going on to say that he's glad he left Svet in tears. Wow. He's pretty good. Tyler camera-sunburns that Svet has lot of "potential," but that she needs to grow up and realize how her words and actions affect other people. Or some other scolding thing like that.
Outside. The kids drive to work. Gallery. Painting! The Ricker is there. He shows the kids the three hideous colors they'll be painting the place today. Painting montage. Painting montage in fast-motion. Painting. Painting. Painting. Tyler lisps that this baby blue is his signature color: "It makes my baby blues explode." Just when I thought Tyler could not get any gayer. Painting. Painting. Rock music!
Tyler and Svet have a heart-to-heart while painting. Svet talks to Tyler about her "extreme goofiness," and then she camera-talks that she's been thinking about it and Tyler's right and she needs to stop getting excited and interrupting people without realizing that it's incredibly rude. Tyler apologizes, saying that there are better ways he could have approached "the issue." Tyler camera-talks something about getting along, and then tells Svet, "You're like the little sister I never wanted." Wow. That's it for the big conflict and resolution?! They're not even trying anymore.
Day. Wind. Palm tree. Wind. Done painting, The Ricker asks the kids who is going to be in charge of the finances. Svet and Tyler volunteer to do it together, but John thinks that's a bad idea. Tyler assures everyone that they'll be okay. Riveting!
Night. Street. House. Hot tub. Tyler takes a giant bubble bath. He asks Svet to come join him. She says no thanks and that she might be scarred. "I've only seen one," she says. Tyler then throws a giant wad of bubbles on her and laughs. Tyler camera-talks that how Svet is not a bad person. As we see them fight with bubbles, he says it's his "job" to cultivate the good, fun part of her. More flirting and fighting. The bubbles overflow. Svet screams. More play-fighting. Svet is now in the tub and he's pulling her onto him and she squeams that she now needs "therapy," saying, "Oh my God. I feel your junk!" She climbs out of the tub.
. Bar. Svet dances really sexily on the bar. I don't believe she's only seen one cock for a damn second. The kids toast to Svet's "soon-to-be ex boyfriend." Svet says John is only saying this stuff because he likes her. Svet talks to Paula about how shitty her Russian mafia boyfriend is. Uh, she said it, man. Not me. I think you're a lovely person. (Please don't kill me.) And that's it. See ya!