Svet is excited because her boyfriend Martin is coming to visit for her twentieth birthday; she and Janelle are getting close preparing for his visit. Meanwhile, Paula and her shrink decide that she needs to be more open about her relationship with Keith, so she tells her mom via email. Svet is worried because Martin is shy and the roommates are not very tactful. Proving her right, the roommates plot to try to embarrass Martin. Paula's mother responds nicely to the email. Martin arrives and Tyler acts as gay as possible; Martin is unfazed. Svet and Martin go on a date and have a great time, but then they argue and Martin tells her to shut up a lot. The roommates are impressed by how Martin puts up with Svet. Paula goes to the shrink for the last time, and we see how she's improved. She tells the roommates about it, and John predicts that there is no "going back" for Paula and all her problems. Svet's birthday celebration goes down at the house. John and Janelle play a joke on Svet, showing her a horrible cake and pretend that it's hers. Then they show Svet the real cake; she's touched.
The penultimate. One more to go. Let's do this.
Previously...Paula saw a shrink. Martin's dad died and it brought them closer. How nice of him to die for the sake of their relationship.
Credits. Zach fishes for dinner. Janelle pretends not to be a horrible person for a moment. Tyler gets much less screen time than he'd hoped for. Girl back. Title. Melanoma.
Salon. Salon. Sign. Sign. Salon. Day. Inside. Svet and Janelle discuss Martin, Svet's recently-orphaned horrible Russian Mafioso boyfriend, and his upcoming visit. Svet is nervous. She is afraid that Tyler will embarrass Martin and make him blush. Svet makes a rocking-the-cradle motion with her hands, connoting that she feels motherly towards Martin. Really? Is that why she's always yelling at him to "shut up"? Man, I hope the Russians love their children, too. Janelle camera-brats that they've been anxious to meet Martin for a while and to just see who this cat is. Janelle and Paula ask Svet what kind of cake she wants for her upcoming twentieth birthday. Svet lays out exactly what she wants in a very funny, anal way. Janelle just stares at Svet like she's a fucking idiot...and then immediately tells us how close she and Svet have become in the past couple weeks. Hee. "So fudge all over and then white frosting on top of the fudge?" Janelle asks, in the single dirtiest sentence I've ever written. Svet adds that she also wants little flowers on the edges of the cake. Janelle is about to slap the taste out of her mouth.
Day. House. Pool. Plinky piano composed by the music supervisor's five-year-old son plays as Paula floats, really not testing the strength of that raft very much. Paula camera-bones she and her shrink have decided that if she's really going to invest in the dysfunction she needs to be more open and positive about her relationship with the abusive horrible Keith. So as we see the sun go down, Paula goes into the office and composes an email to her mom in which she reveals that she and Keith are indeed still together. Paula reads us some of the email message. It's awful. She babbles on about not wanting to let anyone down. She sends the email and is nervous.
Day. Cruise liner. Seagulls. Beach. Sailboat. Dog. House. Svet tells the others that she's "tripping out" about Martin coming. They all tease him, calling him dumb, and Svet doesn't help any by telling them he doesn't know anything about politics or anything like that. Svet camera-boobs that Martin is shy while the roommates like to "pick" at people, so she's nervous for him. John correctly says that Svet is the "least tactful person" in the world, so if Martin can deal with her "antics," he certainly will be able to deal with the six of them.
Night. Russian-y music plays and the editors clearly have some time and extra establishing shots on their hands because they make a whole montage in time to the music as the phone rings and finally we go inside the house. Svet answers the phone and someone off-camera throws a shoe at her on the way. Oh, real mature, John!
As Svet talks on the phone to Martin, Janelle confides to a mock-sympathetic Tyler how Svet is nervous on Martin's behalf. Tyler says that it's "cute" that Martin is apparently "pudgy and stupid." Everybody laughs. John suggests that Tyler act extremely flamboyant when Martin arrives. Wait. What does he mean "act"? Tyler gets into the spirit and does a weird shimmy/jazz hands combo that is more spastic than gay. Tyler then camera-queens that it would indeed be funny if he tried to act as "gay" as possible -- that he exhibit every gay "ster-wo-type" possible to make Martin feel even more uncomfortable. Aw, good plan. The kids are all laughing. Svet comes out of the phone room and stops, suspicious, and acts if they're talking about her. They deny it. She leaves, casting a glance. They riff on, and Tyler suggests that he wear an evening gown. Oh god, please don't. Tyler claps and laughs. Commercials.
Ocean. Sun. Day. House. Paula checks her email and receives a reply from her mom. Turns out her mom was very touched and trusts Paula...adding that she hopes they can talk openly and reminding her that she's always there for her. Wow, not a terrible mom. Paula cries to us that it's a weight off her shoulders. Good, because I'm not so sure her brittle shoulders should be supporting any weight themselves.
Paula calls Keith, who I guess read a copy of her mom's reply and is happy about it. Keith translates and condenses the letter just a bit as basically her mom saying that she's "mad chill" about the situation. Yes, I'm sure that exactly what she was conveying. "Leaps and bounds," says Paula...hopefully getting herself prepared for the giant step back of being arrested a few months after the show stops taping.
Day. Sun through palm fronds. Clouds. A plane descends. It's Svet at the airport. She sees Martin. They kiss. Oh, those lovebirds. She tells us how happy it makes her feel to finally see him after so long. They leave the airport, and Svet's giant boobs immediately launch into telling Martin that her all roommates wanted to play a prank on him and get him to reveal and talk more than he's prepared to. Svet advises Martin to kill Tyler with kindness. Or, you know, with his scary Philly Russian mafia connections. Those might be more effective.
Day. House. Svet introduces Martin to the roommates. He is very soft-spoken, to the point of monotone. John jokes that he asked Martin his name and at least he got that right, so he can't be that dumb. Heh.
Outside, Svet introduces Martin to Tyler, who queens out of the pool and sashays over in a tiny swimsuit, giant glasses, and a towel wrapped around his head. He puts out a super-limp wrist for Martin to shake. Eh. It may have been funny or something, if Tyler wasn't such a terrible actor and almost just that flamboyant anyway. Tyler does his hideous eyes-closed-for-emphasis thing as he smiles to us that he's "having fun with it."
Kitchen. Inside, a de-toweled Tyler tells a swimsuit-wearing, sandwich-making, boob-flapping Janelle that she thinks Martin is cute -- but it must be a puppy dog "cute,"because in the moment he's camera talking to us that Svet made Martin out to be a big tall oaf, but he's actually short and pudgy. Tyler goes on to say, obnoxiously, that that's okay because he's not the one who has to have sex with him. He adds some other stupid crack about how Svet and Martin are like Romeo and Juliet, but "not really." He laughs. Janelle ignores him.
House. House. Bedroom. Svet and Martin cuddle. Paula introduces herself. She camera-talks that Martin is "a kid" and it reminds her that Svet is very young herself. Tyler comes in and shakes Martin's hand properly, revealing the "joke" from earlier. Svet reveals she didn't know Tyler was trying to play one. See! Heh. Svet camera-giant-hoop-earrings that Tyler thinks Martin is a homophobe, but she says that he's not. I think she's right, then, when Tyler, bouncing on the bed, asks Martin if they have any big plans. Martin drones that he's waiting for them to "show [me] a good time." Whoa! I think Martin is hitting on Tyler. They tease Svet and laugh. Sheesh, I think Martin and Tyler might want to be alone. (Ooh, Jose is going to be so jealous!) Wait. Where the fuck is Jose?
House. Day. Horrible statue. Night. Downtown. Svet and Martin walk. Restaurant. They eat and kiss and toast their relationship getting better, and Martin tiredly sighs that he, too, loves her. Yikes. They cuddle, Martin dead-faced and barely touching her, as Svet camera-talks that she's having feelings about Martin like when they first met and she didn't think it was possible. Dude, they really are an old Russian couple. Aren't they only twenty?!
Later. The check arrives. I don't understand what happens now, but I think Martin pays and Svet gets really mad that he won't let her pay half and she puts money out and then threatens not to talk to him and he says that would be a good thing and they fight about money. More fighting. She wants to pay the tip and he fills it in on the credit card bill and they bicker and he swears at her a lot and she hits him with the bill case. Martin tells Svet to shut up about a hundred times as they keep throwing the money around and he tells her she's ruined a nice night. Svet camera-laughs that they argue about everything but it's always over in ten minutes and as they head outside she asks if she can pay for the cab. He says, "Just shut up!" Ah, what a cute couple. Commercials.
Water. Bird. Water. Bird. House. The kids hang around and Martin is feeling more comfortable. He tells Zach and Tyler that he deals with Svet by just ignoring her and not feeding into her neediness and insanity. The boys laughs as Svet camera-whines that it's "not true," and that "obviously" Martin doesn't ignore her. Svet gets up, and Tyler laughs and then tells us that he thinks Martin is really chill and they would probably be friends. I doubt it. He goes on to read very clunky lines clunkily that he personally doesn't know how Martin puts up with Svetlana's "big bag of bullshit." Of course you don't, Tyler. Two words: tit fucking.
Martin and Svet crab around the house together as Zach figures out that Martin is exactly the personality who can deal with Svet's bullshit. Tyler calls him a "very patient man."
House. House. House. Deck. Water. Paula. Paula gets into the FORD! and heads to see her shrink, Dr. Covan. Oh, we get to go back inside one of their sessions. Huh. "Lucky" for us. He asks why she stopped picking her scabs. Paula tells him, her eyes sparkling this time not from tears but from ill-advised glitter, that it just doesn't feel like she "has" to do it anymore; she's not so scared or critical of herself anymore. They discuss alcohol, and she says she doesn't miss the blackouts anymore. Covan goes on to ask about food, and he's coached her well to say that she realized eating was the one thing in her life she could control. "So you enjoy it?" he asks, re: eating. What? "You've done a lot of good work," he tells himself by way of telling her. "You should be proud of yourself." Basically, what's happening here is that he's ticking down the list of all the problems that she came to him with that he's magically solved -- all just for the benefit of the cameras. What's up, Doc? Your ego. That's what's up. (Ooh, snap!) Paula then gives Covan the weirdest thank you gift a sort-of alcoholic has ever given: she gives him a shot glass. WTF?! Her tearful rational to him is something nonsensical about when she does do another shot, she'll call him or something. I don't understand. Paula camera-talks, Jose clearly having worked on her brows, telling us that she's not perfect but she feels much more confident. She says that she has the strength to not hide issues and to actually "go home." Music to my ears, that going home part. The other stuff I zoned out on. Dr. Covan walks Paula to the door all pleased with himself, thinking that he did a bang-up job. Sorry to burst your Freudian bubble, doc, but I got a mug shot and a bite mark that say you're wrong.
Night. Bar. Outdoor tables. Paula drinks with Tyler and John and the boys stare blankly at her, yawning. She cries, bragging how healthy Covan says she is now. John camera-frats that he's happy for her and whatever. She tells the boys that it was them who called her out on her picking and not-eating and all the other combo-platter of problems she had (has). Paula camera-scabs that the boys have always had her back. John babbles to Paula that he doesn't think there is any "going back" for her with regard to her problems. She agrees. Heeeeeee. Zach suddenly comes up behind them, all hairy, and for a second I think he's a homeless man walking down the street begging for food. Paula cries, saying that some people come here and "get lost," but she "got found." Wow, I'm so happy for zzzzzzzzzzzz.
HARD ROCK! (They still make those? No, seriously?) Martin and Svet eat with Martin's sister (huh?) Flora and her boyfriend El. They babble about Svet being away from home for the first time and how she's learned so much being forced to deal with people other than her group back home. Martin just rolls his eyes the whole time. Heh. Svet camera-boobs something about people being people and how you need to evaluate your actions. El asks about the "positive" of being here. Svet says that she can't believe she was able to be away from Martin for so long. Is that really a...nevermind. She says she wouldn't take it back, and that it's the best part. Wow, when the best thing you can say about an experience is that you can't mind-erase it or jump into a time machine, I'm not sure it was a very good experience.
Day. Ocean. House. House. House. Steel drums. Janelle and John make a cake. John tells us that Janelle has taken initiative in doing Svet's party preparations. John exhaustedly continues to explain a stupid prank they pull where they put out a lame and poorly-decorated fake cake (while hiding the real cake). John is forced to explain how the whole point is that it'll be funny to see Svet hide her disappointment when she sees how lame her cake is. Or something. He can barely finish the thought, though; he's so bored by the whole thing.
House. Wind. Moon. People. House. House. Martin gives Svet a "pretty-ass" card. Svet camera-talks that today she's twenty and no longer a teenager. She reads the card and they kiss, Svet telling us that when she came here she really thought she and Martin might not make it. She displays once again her complete lack of awareness as she says that the opposite has happened, that they've "grown mature together."
Kitchen. Hey, there's Jose! Hey, Jose. How's it going? Totally forgot about you. They show Svet the bad cake and she pretends to like it. But here's how fucking stupid Svet is: they tell her to go fetch matches, and inside of saying, "It's my birthday, fuckers, you go outside and get the matches," she trots outside like a large-boobied puppy. After a moment of confusion, Svet sees the other cake and screams with joy and runs over to it. She hugs Janelle. Everyone claps. She blows out the candles. She cries that she loves them all so much. The cake is cut. They drink and toast. Svet camera-talks that everyone made a real effort and she'll never forget it. Huh. I'll forget it in about two minutes when I "boo-boop!" it off my TiVo forever.
on...the last episode! Yay! Yay! Fantasy Fest. Wait, didn't that already happen? Sigh. Something good happens at Mystic Tan and they all cheer and Zach tells us it's all been worth it. The kids leave. Hugs. Waves. Did I say, Yay! yet?