B-roll of the Attention Deficit Manor at night. We're starting right where we left off, the night of Jay's play. "First we had Jay's play," says Jacinda in an interview, getting herself a little more screen time by supplying some exposition. "Then people started drinking." Yes, I think a lot of people probably needed a drink after sitting through Jay's play. Lars spins records while more people got their mugs on TV by lying to Jay about how great his play was. It's funny that Lars is a DJ from Berlin and has all this knowledge of the underground music scene there, and yet the records he spins happen to be the top-forty dreck that was in heavy rotation on MTV back in 1995, like "Scream" by Michael Jackson. And speaking of out-of-touch sexually ambiguous freaks named Michael whose last names begin with "J" and end in "son," Mike has developed some new Euro-trash dance moves now that he's been following Lars around London clubs for the past few months. He puts his hands together in prayer position, self-consciously sways back and forth, and flops his head from side to side like he's on Ecstasy. Unfortunately, it doesn't work, because he's clearly not tripping. Mike gives up on impressing girls with his dancing skills, and decides to take some ladies up to his room and show them pictures of the cars he's raced. "He was quite a charmer," says Kat, who I don't think is being sarcastic in her interview. "He was so wonderful, charming, and sparkling with my friends." "Sparkling"? Eventually, Mike becomes quite the horndog and starts honing in on Hannah, one of Sharon's friends. Hannah would be pretty if she went on Prozac in order to get rid of that vaguely horrified expression that's constantly on her face. I mean, at first I thought it was an appropriate reaction to Mike, but apparently she likes him. "Actually," Mike tells Hannah, "I was looking in the dictionary for a word that describes your beauty and they haven't invented it yet." Actually they did, Mike. Look under "B" for "beer goggle-icious." Big Ben chimes midnight and Lars asks the crowd if anyone "vants to get funky." Some British person in the crowd calls out, "Absolutely!" and...well, what did you expect from a Real World London house party? Crystal meth and unprotected group sex?
"I think it was fun, I can't remember," says Jacinda in an interview interspersed with shots of partygoers reaching various bottles of hard liquor laid out on a vast table...courtesy of Bunim-Murray, no doubt. "I've got pieces, but I just can't, like, join them all together." And no, Jacinda is not referring to the time she went to Japan to model when she was sixteen and, well, found out she wasn't exactly being paid to model, if you know what I mean. Okay, remember that scene in Mahogany when Billy Dee Williams comes to visit Diana Ross in Milan where she's become a huge supermodel and he's this civil-rights activist dude so he can't relate to her lifestyle so she gets frustrated and decides to show him what a liberated bitch she's become so she gets all crazy at this Italian party and takes off her top and drips candle wax all over her bad self? Okay, Jacinda is acting just like that...except for the part about Billy Dee Williams, the candle wax, the toplessness and that whole glamorous bad-ass thing. Although God knows what she was going to do to Legend in the name of bad-ass glamour, since she got pretty anxious to find him at some point. "Do you require some effort, balance, and poise?" asks Sharon as Jacinda starts gyrating on the arm of one of their large stuffed chairs for the benefit of no one in particular. Then Michael gets so drunk that he starts throwing himself at biological women. But he's really queeny about it. He keeps clasping his hands together across his chest in this faggy way, wiggling his ass and otherwise surveying the room like he's making sure no one at the party has nicer shoes than he does. "Mike was desperate to get some," says Jacinda, describing in an interview how he came up to her at the party and propositioned her. Jacinda shoots him down, and Mike is all, "Why not?" Jacinda cites the fact that Mike has "tried it with every girl there" that night. Mike swears that Jacinda is the only one he wants but, according to Jacinda, he turns around a few minutes later and starts putting the same moves on Kat. "It's not me," explains Kat in an interview. "It's the fact that I'm there." Well, that and the fact that Mike's too drunk to realize that you don't have a penis. "He was just spreading the joy of Mike Johnson around the party," she says diplomatically. The fire alarm accidentally goes off and that reunites Mike with Hannah the Horrified, who, incidentally, was also dubbed Floozicus Johnsonae by Philip on the boards. In an interview, Mike lies that the only person he was interested in all evening was Hannah the Horrified, as we see him explaining the whole "lucky cigarette" myth to her.
"Und now Neil is going to perform," Lars officiously announces to the crowd because, as he explains in an interview, he couldn't remember the name of Neil's band. Neil takes the stage and starts performing with yet another one of his forty-seven bands. Normally, I'd say it's great that Neil has regained the use of his tongue, but he's...well, rapping. And badly, might I add. I'd go into more detail, but I decided to go upstairs and huff some oven cleaner as soon as I saw him doing more faux-gay kissing with yet another drunk gross old man. Only, this time he kept the microphone protectively in front of his lips the entire time, thank God.
Neil hands the microphone back to Lars, who uses the PA system calls his housemates to the dance floor. It looks like only Mike, Jay, Kat, and Jacinda were cajoled into following Lars's instruction. "I have a huge bonding experience for you guys," says Lars, putting on that song I really like but of which I can't for the life of me remember the title. It goes, "These sounds [something] through my mi-i-i-i-i-nd" over and over again. The housemates dance luridly. Well, actually only Lars, Mike, Jay, Kat, and Jacinda dance luridly. Sharon and Neil wanted nothing to do with the embarrassingly juvenile ass-grinding the non-Brits were perpetrating on the house. You know, I joke sometimes about Mike being gay or a trannie chaser, but it never really occurred to me that Mike might want a little man sex until this scene. I think something happened plotwise here, but I didn't really notice anything except Mike's butt. Not because it's appealing to me, or anything. It's just all over this scene. You can't hide from it. Mike's butt is just flailing around from back to front and side to side. It fetches drinks for people. If his pelvis could speak, it would shout, "Touch me, dammit!" He moves up behind Lars (who is sticking out his butt because that's the way he dances) and goes all covert doggie-style on Lars's ass. Thank you, but that's really enough of Mike's butt for one lifetime, okay? Jay admits in an interview that, indeed, they all danced and thrust their pelvises at each other. Lars concludes in an interview that "everyone enjoyed the party." After a while, they start kicking people out. The lights go on and the housemates are confronted with the messy remains of the party...and the sight of Mike and Hannah the Horrified sort of getting busy on one of the couches. Fortunately they're both fully dressed. Jacinda teases Mike about being such a "cheap floozy." "We lay there on the couch for a while," says Mike in an interview. "And after everyone else had gone to bed, we went upstairs." Then they show us this outdoor shot of Attention Deficit Manor from the outside and it's still pitch black outside. What losers! They closed down the party before it was light out. In London, even.
So then they show us this B-roll of somewhere that looks like it's in the country in the middle of nowhere. Like, where the hell in London is this completely desolate river with all this foliage covering it and twinkling in the sunshine?. Oh, and in case you don't know when this is, the forgettable song playing in the background indicates that it's the "day day day." We see the housemates, except Sharon and Neil, in bed trying to overcome their hangovers. Kat says in an interview that she'll never drink that much again. Later that day -- or another day entirely -- the housemates start teasing Mike about hooking up with Hannah the Horrified. "She was certainly out of here like a shot in the morning," Jacinda wryly observes, making me totally like her again. Neil pats Mike on the back and says something inaudible. He probably said, "Isn't it amazing how easy it is to get laid when you're on the telly?" At least, he should have. Mike denies that he had sex with Hannah. Jay contradicts Mike's version of events by telling the house that he woke up in the middle of the night to see a "big ole Snuffleupagus under the sheets." "Did you stay up and watch?" asks Mike, sounding a little too interested (if you know what I mean), and fiddling with his nipples under his surfer t-shirt, thus exposing his tummy to the camera. Michael? Just because someone did actually fool around with you doesn't mean that the world wants to see you naked...or that even Jay does, for that matter. Put it away! Later, Mike gets touchy feely with Kat again on the couch. Who slipped Kat a roofie? "Outward Bound cannot compare to the bonding we all did last night," says Lars, observing the coupling on the couch.
We return to the workaday world, as evidenced by the B-roll shots of various Londoners walking to work, morning rush-hour traffic, and Kat walking down the street wearing a big ole duffel coat and a somber facial expression. In an interview, Kat admits that she's lonely, and that it's hard to her to meet people and feel comfortable with them immediately. Oh, so that's why she's being Mike's love slave these days.: desperation. We see Kat entering one of the buildings of her college. "Somebody needs to get that girl a watch," says some invisible queeny guy's voice. Kat is late for an appointment with some suspiciously camera-friendly guy named Josh, who is her scene partner in a drama class. "He's from New York City," says a beaming Kat in an interview. "So he knows a lot of the same areas that I know." Remember Kat's friend who looks like Lori Petty on acid? Well she's the one who introduced them, and judging by the self-satisfied way she chomps on that apple as she sits at her receptionist's station, she feels pretty proud of herself for arranging that hook-up. Bunim-Murray probably gave her money. they show a series of rehearsals between Kat and Josh, in which Josh describes their scene as "pure sex" and quotes lines from it like, "Your body is a temple!" How convenient. Back at the house, Kat calls her mother for the seventeenth time that day and gushes about Josh. "He's asking me the questions that you ask people when you really want to know what's going on in their head," says Kat. But just when these shots of Kat and Josh feeding swans in the park make you think Kat is going to hook up or something, she pulls the plug. In a confessional, she announces that she's not ready to be in a serious relationship right now because she enjoys being single.
B-roll of London at night. Hannah the Horrified has finally called Mike back one week later. Jay and Jacinda sit on the pool table, listening in on the conversation and trying to contain their giggling. "There's something wrong here, y'know?" says Jacinda in an interview. Mike makes a date with Hannah and hangs up.
Mike and Hannah go on their date. They walk around some really cheesy section of London together and eat ice cream -- like, I bet they just got out of Cats. Mike keeps imitating some funk song and going "chicky-chicky pow pow" over and over again which I'm guessing is a tune from the soundtrack to that gay porn movie he jerked off to last night. Some guy walks by and, I swear to God, Mike checks out his ass. "Chicky-chicky pow pow," says Mike some more. Hannah tries not to look too annoyed or confused. Back at Attention Deficit Manor, Mike returns home and Jay is tooling around in the kitchen, maybe even waiting up for Mike for all we know. Jay asks Mike how his date went. "It wasn't a date, we just went out," says Mike. "I'm not going to be dating anybody!" "Sorry Mike," says Jay for some reason.
So then, after a commercial break, Jay is like a dog with a bone about the "Hannah" issue. He grills Mike about his intentions toward Hannah, to which Mike responds that he's never promised Hannah a serious relationship. So once again, not only do we have to sit through Mike getting laid, we also have to watch him hold the lady in question at arm's length. I don't know what's creepier: Jay's codependent concern for Hannah's feelings, or Mike's aloof-stud act. Then we see the park on a beautiful day. Mike and Hannah are rollerblading together. There's not a lot of chemistry between Mike and Hannah. Oh sure, Bunim-Murray has brought out all the guns to make you think otherwise: the R&B lite FM groovin' soundtrack, the intercutting to shots of other couples who have chemistry frolicking in the park and of course the forced smiles on the faces of Mike and Hannah. But Mike and Hannah aren't selling it to me here. Hannah keeps hanging all over Mike but that's mostly because she can't really rollerblade.
Jay is like a lover spurned. He sits around with Kat, like they're a couple of girls giving each other manicures and home perms, and deconstructs Mike's and Hannah's relationship. "She had to like him an awful lot to go after him in the first place," says Jay. "It sucks to like somebody and have them be like 'eh' about you," adds Kat sipping some hot beverage from a big mug. Back on Mike and Hannah's date, Hannah has fallen down. "So are you going to fall a little or a lot?" says Mike in a condescending manner. Oooh! Subtext! At some point Hannah starts getting scared as she's going down a hill so Mike calls her a "wuss." Later, he makes jokes about the idea of her skating into the pond and falling in. Charming. Jay agonizes some more with Sharon about Mike and Hannah. Mike and Hannah keep skating and trading insults.
Kat has another man to toy with. She is shown beaming and talking so some guy on the phone about helping him buy a motorbike and being his "bike chick." She explains in an interview that Sebastian is a friend of a friend of hers from New York who is going to be in London for a week before he goes off to Israel to be a bartender at Planet Hollywood. Wow, this guy sounds glamorous already. Kat runs into Sharon's room to gush all about her date with Sebastian and how she feels "like a little girl." The day of the date arrives, and Sebastian enters the house. He's nothing to write home about, but Kat is clearly in awe of his worldly ways. "He makes me feel so ordinary," says Kat in an interview. Sebastian and Mike are introduced; Mike remarks in an interview that Sebastian desperately wanted to impress everybody. Sebastian eventually wears out his welcome by pontificating about some movie that wasn't faithful to the book on which it was based, rubbing his pool-playing skills in everybody's faces, and forcing everyone watch him juggle bottles of vinegar and liquor. "It was like I was supposed to be some big boner or something," says Mike. No comment. Finally Kat and Sebastian get on the back of Sebastian's motorbike and ride off to see London at night. "I had such a fantastic time," says Kat, but then explains that nothing else really could happen since he was only in town for a week. London is pretty at night, seen from a motorcycle. I'll give them that.
Hannah and Mike meet again. But this time they just sit in the living room of Attention Deficit Manor. Hannah is reading the paper and Mike is reading a magazine he has no interest in reading. Meanwhile, Jay passive-aggressively plays Nerf basketball in the background while "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something plays. At some point, there is a series of shots that seem to indicate that there was a conflict. Mike leaves the room. Jay asks Hannah whether she and Mike are no longer an item. Hannah asks Jay whether she and Mike were ever an item in the first place. Her laugh is a total cry for help. Hannah classifies her relationship with Mike as a "game of mental chess." To this, Jay utters the best line ever: "I can see Mike playing mental checkers, but..." Jay and Hannah end up bonding over a game of pool. Goodbye, Hannah.
Mike gets into bed to Kat, and they discuss how hard it is to get together with someone. In an old interview, Mike predicts that he won't meet the girl of his dreams in a bar. He seems to think that he'll meet someone just like in the movies by being in a supermarket and dropping the milk on the girl he's going to marry. In an interview, Kat professes to be too "flighty" to be in a relationship. The episode concludes with some shots of Mike, Jay, and Kat going out to the local pub and checking out members of the opposite sex.