Sunrise. The snaky bassline of Folk Implosion's "Natural One" starts. Dan jumps on top of Sarah's bed, in which she still lies, trying to sleep. We get a breakfast montage -- someone's eating grapefruit, someone else fries up ham and eggs -- and then the phone rings. It's Landon, the business advisor! Cut to video of Joe so helpfully explaining Landon's role: "He's the man, the business advisor, the structure guy." Got it. Wait, here's Sarah with more: "With the help of Landon, we will start a business, and end up owning the business." Pretty sweet deal. Anyone else want to spell it out? Hold on, here's Joe again: "We have twelve weeks to achieve success if we want to get the $50,000." Okay, three months, we're all with you. The roomies gather around the speakerphone as Landon's voice booms out confidently, "I want to get together as soon as possible. What's a good time?" The roomies just stand there. Cut to video of Dan saying, "We're going to get together as soon as we can." His face contorts acrobatically as he adds, "I'm kind of nervous about it!" Don't worry, there's NOTHING to be nervous about. As in, NOTHING HAPPENS with the business.
Some Paul Westerberg-type guitar starts up as the cameras cruise through the already-messy house. Some people are just slobs, I guess. Sarah says very seriously to the camera, "The problem we're having right now is that everyone's hung up on money and are going out and getting jobs." It's true -- they live for free and will be given $50,000 when they think up an idea and start a business. Why bust your ass flipping burgers? FREE MONEY has been promised to you! But no, people are never that smart. If MTV offered them the cash on a silver platter they still wouldn't get it. Two non-candidates for Mensa, Melissa and Dan, talk about getting shit jobs. Dan "doesn't know if he wants to sell clothes." Melissa says that the painful part of the retail thing is "fixing everything." Oh man. FREE MONEY, people. Put your tiny heads together and you may never have to fold clothes again. Can you dig it? Melissa teases Dan saying he can just "bat" his "baby blues" at people to get any job he wants. Yeah, that's how the world works. Dan giggles and covers his face, shrieking, "I'm so embarrassed!" Sure he is.
The oh-so-stupid riff to "Just A Girl" starts up as Flora and Sarah lounge around. Flora's flatly reading the want ads out loud: "Spanish/English speaking waitresses wanted. Escorts wanted, elite private clients, $400 per day, adult -- aha! -- adult services." Then, to Sarah, "You know what THAT means." Sarah eats a cookie and looks blank. "What." Flora says in the stagiest voice ever, "You're serious." Sarah is. "You have to do. Adult. Services." Sarah waves her hand and asks, "Liiiike...?" Flora bursts out, "You have to [fuck] them!" and then giggles like a freak. No Doubt gets to the chorus part of "Just A Girl." Sarah says, "Flora is pretty much whacked-out, but there's a lot of stuff about her that I like. She's fun to watch, she's like a sitcom." Good for you -- may we at home see some fun, funny, or even likeable stuff? Maybe we're being cheated by just getting to see the brusque, hard-nosed Flora. Or maybe not.
Wait, here's some more of Flora; can't wait to see the likeable part. She's on the phone "sweet"-talking some guy named Alex into driving her around town. I don't think one usually needs to weep to and beg a friend into being shown a new place. First she says, "Do you have an extra car I can borrow for a couple of hours?" And then, "If I don't get a job, I'm gonna be sleeping on the beach." Then, after he agrees to be her chauffeur, she manages, "Gracias mi amour, ti quiero mucho." Alex, the idiot, says in response, "Ooh, baybah!" She must have charmed the brains right out of him.
So some stupid reggae music plays and Alex hustles Flora, Cynthia and Sarah into his fancy-pants car. Cyn looks intimidated as she asks, "Ooh, this is a Mercedes?" Flora makes a shoving gesture behind her as she says to Alex, "I feel bad you have to drive me around." We all feel bad for him, honey. They all cruise to Ocean Drive for lunch, and rubberneck at the models prowling around and the nice cars cruising the models. Cyn says, "I haven't seen a hoopty yet!"
Here goes more of Flora's "good for the soul" crap. Why hasn't she written a book? My bed is bulging with the pillows I've embroidered her observations onto. Check it out: "I really have to get out and work, it's good for the soul. No matter how much money you have, or time you have." Okay, according to Flora, too much smiling is bad for the soul, and it's good for the soul to be sad. Working is also good for the soul. Oh my god, I've just had an epiphany: Writing these recaps for Mighty Big TV is good for my frickin' soul. At times, it is sad, sad work writing these things up. Hooray for my soul.
Dan paces nervously in a restaurant. Underneath, Marilyn Manson's version of "Sweet Dreams are Made of This" plays. He says to some guy, "I have an interview -- am I supposed to be talking to them? Am I interrupting anything? Okay." He turns away from the two men seated at a table and continues to pace, with his arms folded in front of his bony chest. Cut to video where Dan explains, "In gay bars and gay restaurants and everything, it matters not if you have any shred of skill -- what matters is how you look." Gay bars and restaurants everywhere ruffle in outrage. May I just say that, even for a college student from Kansas, Dan is incredibly stupid and naïve? In the world, experience does matter. In the world, it is not all how you look. Gay or otherwise. Okay? Good. In fact, I think this segment of The Real World should be taught in a Learning Annex-type class called "What NOT To Do in a Job Interview," or perhaps, "How To Let Basic Everyday Insecurity Ruin Every Opportunity You Have." So, Dan continues to pace and ignore his interviewers and Mike and Joe wander in. Tip number two: In an interview, you do not need to have a bunch of lunkheads hang around, even if they did give you a ride. Have them wait elsewhere. Dan says he's "kind of unnerved." Well, duh. You're doing everything wrong, that's why! Mike sits down and leafs through a newspaper, soon putting it down with a strange look on his face that falls somewhere between intrigued and repulsed. Joe helpfully points out the rainbow flag on the door. It's a GAY restaurant, Mike. Men loving men. In this context, it's not strange, okay? So wipe that face off your head and deal. Mike says to Dan, "Every ad had like guys hugging in it!" Dan starts to react but they cut away. Bastards in the editing room!
Back at the outdoor café, Sarah says she thinks she would be a great waitress. Then she yells, "Get me an adam and eve on a raft, and wreck 'em!" The theme from Alice starts to play and Cyn yells at Flora, "Kiss my grits, honey!" Yes, that was just me having fun. Sorry. Flora continues her lame-o sob story about how "desperate" and "depressed" she is about having "no money," and that she may "die." One may wish.
Back in the (gay!) restaurant, Dan whirls around. Oh, were they waiting for him? Oh, hoo hoo hoo! A mix-up that would have been resolved if he had simply approached the table and addressed the people to whom he was supposed to speak! Dan moves all the stuff off one chair, ignoring the other, empty chair, and focuses all his attention on one guy, ignoring the other. Strike three, dude. The guy under Dan's baby-blue gaze says uneasily, "What can I do for you?"
Over in the peanut gallery, Mike asks Joe if the Village People play here. No, they play state fairs now, you idjit. Joe leafs through the newspaper Mike threw down like a hot poker just minutes before and comments, "Can you believe it? All these people are gay. And they're all normal-looking. What is normal?" I think the statistic is one in ten is gay, dude. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
Back to the bad-interview session. Sitting down? Good. They have NO POSITIONS AVAILABLE. Dan is shit out of luck. I wonder if there's anything he could have done differently?
The three dudes all leave, with Dan complaining loudly. "I thought it very mysterious that sixteen hours earlier there were openings, and now, when I'm sitting in the chair, there aren't any. In other words, 'You're ugly.'" In other words, you fucked up the interview! Looks matter not. Well, they matter, but they aren't everything. Dan continues about this is how it is in South Beach, blah blah blah pretty peoplecakes. Over at the lunch for out-of-work ladies, Flora dances with Hare Krishnas and plays the cymbals. Pass the hat, somebody, she's busking!
Dan dials the phone as Spacehog plays in the background. He calls Ocean Drive magazine, the fashion/high society/stupid glossy rag that every city has. We actually have two in Philly, but one sucks so bad we're taking bets on when it will fold (clearing throat) Philly Style! So anyway, Dan introduces himself to the publisher, the cameras cut away, and when we cut back, he says he can "make up a resumé," then hangs up and announces he has an interview. Let's imagine what he said, shall we? "Hi, I'm on the Real World and need a part time job...interested?" Cut to video of Sarah repeating her earlier voiced concerns of people not working on the business idea-thing.
Daft Punk plays as a man marches smartly up to the door. It's Landon! He calls their house "nifty" and Dan agrees, "Nifty is the word." Nifty is the word nerds use, I hope he meant. Anyway, the roomies meet Landon. Mike says he has "a strong presence." Melissa says she was "scared" he would talk over them but he "treated [them] like equals." Sarah was impressed with the fact that Landon plays roller hockey. Okay!
Landon says (in case you all have been dead from the neck up) that "we are here to start a business." We GOT IT. Mike says the "problem" they may have is "conforming as one...seven people, seven ideas." Are they supposed to be Borg or something? Working together is not synonymous with "conforming as one." Oh, WHATEVER. Following Landon's suggestion, the group starts "free-falling." That is, they start brainstorming. Maybe his omission of the word "brain" holds portent. Sarah admits she doesn't care about making money and wants to open up a skate shop. Melissa wants to head a moped rental place. Mike blathers on about Z-cards. Joe bashfully looks at the floor when it comes his turn. Aww, c'mon, Joe! C'moooon! The arm-twisting and teeth-pulling begin in earnest, but Joe remains tight-assed, I mean lipped. Tight-LIPPED, I meant. Faces fall. Joe says to the camera, "Landon was a little more laid-back than I would have liked. There shouldn't have been any talk of the business on the first day we met." Then Joe lamely says to the group, "I was hoping to get to know all of you a little better before I let my ideas out." Let them out? Out where? Are they caged somewhere? Cynthia says that Joe has a business degree and is the businessman of the group. Whatever!
Flora natters on about her idea of a "leetle coffee shop, more trendy, where beautiful people are going to go." Dan makes a face, because he's been such a victim of lookism, you remember. She continues, "I want to go there because in the coffee shop door, geeks are hanging out!" Dan, as a representative for geeks everywhere, takes umbrage. "That is so far from my priorities...if that is how we start this business, then let me have no part of this business. There's a difference between that being a reality and catering to it." Ooh, look at the stand-taker! Dan makes some more noises about shallow and energies and the like, and Flora's panties get all in a wad. She starts sputtering, "I'm not here to kiss anyone's butt, I'm here to make money!" All right, steamrollercakes, got it. The group gets stressed as rap music plays with the chorus being, "Make money money make money money money!" Dan makes an effort, suggesting they can start a club and give the money to charity. Flora rolls her eyes and chews a pen. She probably thinks that's bad for the soul too. She walks away and makes phone calls. Cyn is outraged and charges after her, telling her not to sulk and to come back to the group. Flora, passive-aggressive to the nth degree, says, "Whatever you decide to do, unless it's a coffee shop, I'm doing it for five months or whatever and then I'm gone." Selfish rat! Cyn says all right and then goes back to the group to report what Flora said. The tense music starts up as people drift away.
Jazzy music plays as Dan hunts for the Ocean Drive magazine offices. Ha ha, what a hoot, he's lost, and late! Oh, how charming. Hire that young man! Dan (finally!) sits in the office of the publisher, who tells him that the magazine is all about "fashion, celebrities, pretty people...it's the pretty world." Dan nods and grins like a born-again brown-noser, and accepts a story assignment about "Know Your Doorman" or some such nonsense, saying, "I really like this magazine and I want to be a part of it." Ace of Stupid Base start up with "It's a Beautiful Life." What? What about your priorities and the whole shallow-coffee-shop equals bad-coffee-shop-thing? Hypocrisy, thy name is Dan. Mike helpfully points out this fact that Dan has in fact "sunk himself into" the very thing he once professed to want to avoid. GOT IT. Mike congratulates Dan, saying, "Good for you," and Dan says demurely, "Oh no, it's good for ALL of us!" What a fucking socialist, NOT!
At home, Melissa drools, saying, "You realize you just got my dream job, writing nightlife for Ocean Drive Magazine!" Don't rub it in, Dan. To distract Melissa, Dan dangles a pretty bauble...I mean tells her a hysterical (not) story about Mike hitting on a receptionist at Ocean Drive and getting her number. The publisher says to Mike, "Go ahead, wander around!" and he does. Do these people realize that the cameras are their passports? People crave attention, and businesses want publicity. That's it! The end. Just kidding, there's more. There's always more. God help me. But this story ends with Mike getting the digits and Melissa saying that Mike's "a hormone." Boy, can she turn a phrase.
Phone. It's Luis, for Flora. Alex hooked these two up. Luis owns a bar and tells her to come by after twelve. Later, as the whole gang gets ready to go out, Sarah informs Flora, "I can see your ass." She's wearing a skirt that's so short! Okay, stand up. Put both hands on your ass. You are now as covered as Flora is in her "skirt." Cyn says that when she goes out for a job, she's more inclined to cover herself up, but Flora? "She gets butt naked!" Sarah calls Flora "super-uninhibited." I call her a freak, but do I get to be on TV? Nooo.
Club scene, all the roomies dance. They aren't bad, really. The music is horrible though. "Shake, shake your booty for me!" Hang the DJ! Flora and Luis play footsie. By putting her arm around him and flirting, he puts her on Friday and Saturday nights. Bartending, I guess. See Dan, here's an instance in which looks don't matter as much as whoring yourself out does! Luis and Flora eat, him asking, "Does your boyfriend know you're here?" She replies, "No, does your girlfriend know you're here?" He goes, "I don't have a girlfriend," and she cannily replies, "I don't have a boyfriend." Then she offers him her hand to shake and introduces herself. "Hi, I'm Flora, a lying sleaze." In case you didn't get that, here's video of Flora saying, "Yeah, I do flirt to get a lot of things I want and need, I don't think there's anything wrong with that." The feminist movement dies a little, gurgle gurgle croak.
Cyn says, over footage of Flora making a spectacle of herself in the bar, "She was looking like she was looking for some action, and everyone left the club except her. She said she was gonna stay and get laid." Thunder booms, and rain falls on Luis' car, as he drives Flora off somewhere. To deflower her, perhaps.
Back at home, Melissa repeats the line about Flora staying behind "to get laid." The feminist movement wakes up a little bit at such an open discussion of a woman's sexuality. Don't get up, women's movement. Nothing to see here. It is MTV, after all. Go back to sleep. The roomies haggle about leaving the door open or closed, and then Flora walks in, all cat-ate-the-cream-faced and stuff. What's she doing back so soon? That reflects poorly on Luis, I think. Can you say, "two-minute brother"? Sad. Flora stops in the middle of the room, all eyes on her, and asks happily what's going on. You're the center of attention, that's what. Dan says dryly that they thought she'd be out all night, and Flora, possessor of balls the size of Volkswagens, has the nerve to say she's "a decent woman" with "a boyfriend at home." But that's not what you said to Luis, honey! In walks Cynthia, out of her party clothes and wearing a bandana on her head. Oooh! Here comes some sassiness. Without even looking at Flora, Cyn starts right in: "I'm gonna tell you to your face, not behind your back, I thought you were acting like a ho and that you could have been better than that." The roomies all hoot like in some fucking sitcom and Flora says, smiling, that she just landed a job that pays "$300-400 a night," and Cyn continues: "Just don't fuck him, okay, even if he has three rubbers on, okay? I thought you were gonna fuck him!" Mike says, "Flora tries to play Miss Innocent but we know better." Um, EVERYONE knows better. Cyn then hugs Flora saying, "I'm glad to see you home. Don't go out like a sucker." Flora bounces off, waving her head back and forth like a Who down in Who-Ville as Cyn continues her pleas: "Please don't. And if you do, use condoms. Please!" Thunder ominously booms in the sky. Perhaps an omen of the chief boot-knocking to come? Wait and see.