A double-decker bus drives by. We see a sign for Heathrow airport. An Alitalia flight unloads passengers. Jacinda is one of them. She slumps off the plane dejectedly clutching an alligator tote bag. Her hair looks amazing -- like she slept on it but it got crushed in all the right places. "My agent calls me and she goes, 'Jacinda, we have this incredible job for you in Rome,'" says Jacinda in an interview. "They assured me that it was fantastic and it was going to be beautiful and Ralph Lauren-style in the country on this little farm. It was a couple of days in Rome, great money, a chance to get away so I thought, 'Wonderful.'" Oh, I get calls like this all the time. Don't we all? Jacinda walks home in the rain with a tragic look on her face. I'm not sure why she can't just take a cab. She did, after all, just earn some money, no? When she finally arrives at Attention Deficit Manor, she tells her housemates what a horrible time she just had modeling. A series of flashbacks and interview sound bites tell us how harrowing the experience was. Frankly, I was getting ready for a seedy tale of being imprisoned in a hotel room in Milan until she entertained some Japanese businessmen at the behest of an arms dealer, but it wasn't quite that bad. Apparently she had to hold a gun or a whip or something in a photo, and that made her angry. And to top it all off, some Italian photographer kept telling her that she could be pretty if she "wanted to be." "I didn't like the job," she says in an interview. "I didn't like the people I was working with." But later in a confessional, she admits that the pictures came out fine and that's the whole point of the job. "You don't always have a good time on shoots," says Jacinda. "And most of the time you're either freezing or hot. It's very uncomfortable, but you have to deal with that. It's your job." If only Neil had that work ethic.
B-roll of Notting Hill exteriors on a sunny day. In the kitchen, Neil asks Mike whether he feels bad about placing tenth in that race. Jesus, I thought we'd finished with Mike and his racing. Mike assures Neil that he took it in stride and in that abused Doris Day interview he did for Episode Twelve, he tells us that he raced the best he could. Jacinda, however, reveals that Mike's been miserable ever since the last time he raced, despite his philosophical outlook. "He was really disappointed that he didn't do well," says Jacinda. Well, it turns out that the reason we're revisiting the whole racing thing is because Mike is going home for a visit. And while he's there, he'll participate in a race -- where, he hopes, he'll redeem himself in his family's eyes.
Well, before you can brace yourself for a second helping of Duke and Cathy, Duke calls to tell Mike that he and Cathy will be vacationing in the Bahamas and will miss him. Something in the faux-apologetic tone of Mike's dad tells me that this sort of thing happens a lot. Nevertheless, Mike's dad wishes him "luck" in the race, because apparently he'll need it. As he walks out the door of Attention Deficit Manor with all his bags, Mike himself finally admits during a voice-over that his last race was "humiliating." When he arrives in St. Louis -- announced by a Stone Temple Pilots guitar riff -- Mike's mother greets him at the airport. Fortunately for Mike but unfortunately for this recap, Mike's mother seems perfectly nice. She wears a flannel shirt, tight jeans, and Wayfarers even though her hair is styled into a soccer mom blonde bob. Mike's stepfather seems cool, too. Mike's family accompanies Mike to this race, the significance of which no one explains. He gets into his Subway Sandwich-sponsored car and hits the track. No specifics are given, but Mike seems to indicate in an interview that he did better than expected. "I didn't think I'd do as well because there were some great racers there." Mike's family is pleased with his results as well. Or at least they're pretending to be pleased because they're the sort of people who'd be supportive no matter what. Nevertheless, Mike is happy. Or at least he says he is, in an interview. And at least his hair isn't doing something truly awful.
Meanwhile, back in London, a limo driver comes to the door to fetch Jacinda. Kat holds onto Legend and wishes her luck. Jacinda drives off, and there is a heartbreaking shot of Legend, inside Attention Deficit Manor, sticking his snout under the front door and already missing Jacinda. Milan is the destination this time, and there's all this meta commentary going on as they show shots of churches juxtaposed with shots of store mannequins. In our modern culture, we no longer worship God -- we worship capitalism and the supermodel instead. We. Get It. Jacinda shoots a jeans commercial while Natalie Merchant whines about "streets" that are a "virtual stage." They don't say what brand of jeans Jacinda's modeling. I'm guessing it's Kathy Ireland's K-Mart line or something. One of the shoots takes place at a laundromat. They want Jacinda to wear a tiny top that " looks like underwear," so Jacinda flips out and calls her agent. After a series of negotiations between the art director and the agency over cell phones, the crew tells Jacinda -- who is outside in the rain having a cigarette -- that she doesn't have to wear the top. In an interview, Jacinda says that she has a reputation as a "ball breaker" at her agency because she's always questioning them about what's expected of her at bookings and holding the photographers to that.
What model documentary would be complete without the requisite "taking off makeup back at the lonely hotel room" shot? Back in her hotel room, a leotard-clad Jacinda puts her hair up in a bun and slathers cold cream all over her face. The phone rings; it's her agency wanting a more thorough account of the day's events. In an interview, Jacinda complains about all the bad shoots where there's always a problem. She wipes off her makeup with tissues, rinses off, changes into some jeans and a jumper, and throws herself down on the bed.
Back at Mike's unnamed race in St. Louis, it's Sunday -- the "big day." Not that they explain exactly why it's a big day or anything. I guess it's the final heat or something. Unfortunately, it's raining. According to Mike, this makes racing scarier since it's slippery. Initially, Mike settles into a comfortable two-second lead. He can't even see the competition in the rearview mirror. Unfortunately, his car hydroplanes and spins out of control. He straightens out and gets back into the race, but the wing starts dragging on the ground. The mechanics remove the wing, making Mike's car even harder to maneuver in the rain. He does his "best," though, and ends up finishing fourth overall. Back at Mike's mother's house, his family reassures him that he did okay while U2's "Lemon" plays. He protests that he lost a lead he once had. At the dinner table, his mother has slipped into a sweater with a giant American flag print and his stepfather proposes a toast to his commendable performance. They say grace, which is the cue for them to play -- what else? -- "What if God Was One of Us," by Joan Osborne. I think the reason that Mike's mom is so religious is because she gets down on her knees every day and thanks the Lord she isn't married to Mike's father anymore. After dinner, they sit in a living room covered in chintz. Mike's mom asks him what he wants to do with the rest of his time in London. In an interview, Mike confesses to seeing America in a different way while he missed being in England. It's time for him to leave and everyone hugs him goodbye. Bye, Mike's mom!
Back in Milan, Jacinda is chauffeured around to various Milanese sites while she reflects on her career. In a voice-over, she philosophizes for the forty-seventh time since this season began about what a wonderful, lucrative, and mind-expanding experience modeling can be. They continue to shoot the ad campaign, and there's one shot where Jacinda has to make out with a male model while they both lean against a kitchen sink. Jacinda is a little apprehensive about doing it, but she finally gives in and seems to be having a good time despite her embarrassment. It's totally creepy. It reminds me of this made for TV movie I once saw back 1981 starring Dana Hill as this twelve-year-old girl who is unhappy with her widowed mom's relationship with a family friend. Feeling lonely, she becomes close to her softball coach played by Richard Masur. He turns out to be a child pornographer who plans to make Jennifer a "star" unless Jennifer's mother can wake up and smell the coffee. To get even more perverse, Bunim/Murray, for some reason, see fit to accompany this moment with the lesbian anthem "I Kissed a Girl" even though Jacinda is clearly kissing a boy. Although I guess the male model is kissing a "girl," but who cares? We'll never see him again. Then, for the ninety-seventh time since the season began, Jacinda tells us in an interview that modeling means nothing to her yet provides her with the money and freedom to travel and otherwise do whatever she wants. Finally, Jacinda gets to come home. Some pretty sophisticated editing make it look like everyone greets her at the door at once -- except Mike who hasn't arrived home yet. Legend is thrilled to see her and lies down on her bag while she hands out presents for all her housemates. One of Kat's presents is a dildo. Ooooh! Jacinda's so bad!
Then Mike arrives home, and there are more voice-overs barely worthy of mention in which Mike tells us that he keeps changing his mind about whether he's a good racecar driver. Upon his arrival at Attention Deficit Manor, he decides, for some reason, that he indeed is a good racecar driver. He unpacks while he's greeted by Jacinda and Jay. He tells them about his disappointing showing at the race back home while he removes all of his clothes except his boxers. Ouch! But for some reason, he concludes his story by telling everyone that he won the race. Either he only told them about one race, he lied about his racing results, or he did win and it wasn't explained earlier. Regardless, everyone in the house congratulates him. Even Neil gives him a hug. In an interview, Jay says what a different "vibe" Mike had when he returned triumphant from St. Louis. "He had a lot of assurances in the things that he believed in," says Jay. But wait! There's more! Mike has another race to go to in England. This one is a special challenge, for some unexplained reason. On "Qualifying Day," he races well. In an interview, Redgrave (the owner of the team) commends him for his mastery of this particular track despite his unfamiliarity with it. One of the mechanics informs Mike that he's eleventh overall, whatever that means. Mike is happy with that. On "Race Day," Mike gets a "good luck" note from Neil; Jay and Sharon rent a car and drive him to the track while they sing that diarrhea song from Parenthood. When they arrive on the grounds, Jay -- who has obviously been smoking crack in the car -- yells for everyone who will listen to take notice of Mike Johnson, while Sharon checks out Mike's new red car. Jay chats up Redrave. They discuss Mike's impressive showing in qualifications. Redgrave admits in a subsequent interview that Mike can be "arrogant," but that sportsmen have to be arrogant to make it in their fields. Over a picnic lunch, Mike shows Sharon and Jay a map of the course, and they discuss the fact that Mike is the only American at this race. In an interview, Jay says what a great effect all this English racing will have on his commitment to racing back in the States. Finally the race starts; Mike has a bad start, getting into the spins, and then gets stuck behind one of his competitors. Eventually, amidst some enthusiasm from Sharon in the stands, Mike comes back and places ninth. Yet again, he claims to be really happy with this. Sharon explains to Jay that Mike just wanted to place in "single digits." Mike gets out of the car and Redgrave makes a joke (that's not really a joke) about how he needs to practice starting. In a confessional, Mike tells us that he's learned a lot from this latest round of races. Redgrave, in an interview, explains that Mike met a different class of driver in England, and that if he continues to race and finds the money to keep it up, he "doesn't doubt" that Mike could become a professional driver.
It's time to philosophically sum up everything about this episode. That spooky Coolio song from the Dangerous Minds soundtrack plays while Mike (along with Kat, Jacinda, and Sharon) goes to Dover, where there are indeed "white cliffs." He reflects on his time in London while he gazes at the channel and explains in an interview how fascinating it is that he can be in England and look across the Channel at France and see a "totally different country." In an interview -- in which she sports a scary new perm and highlights -- Jacinda says that Mike has a new perspective on being an American now that he's been in Europe. "He told me he went home and he saw something and he thought, 'Oh, God, is this what my culture is about?'" says Jacinda. Not that they tell us what Mike "saw" or what American culture is about, or anything. The Coolio in the background certainly would have you believe he had to visit a public school in Compton. In an interview, Mike says something equally vague about having to "open his eyes" to his surroundings. "I think that the whole experience has probably opened my mind to what's going around me a lot more," says Mike, who has mercifully cut his hair for this interview. Coolio asks "why are we so blind to see" as Mike is shown looking out over the shimmering white cliffs.