Last week on part one of the reunion: Who cares. This is the last episode of the season! HOORAY! HALLELUJAH! MINE EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY!
We launch into part two right where we left off: with the Housewives, the two Joes, and Rosie. Andy reads a fan question -- if the ladies could take back one comment from the season, what would it be? Rosie would like to rescind her request that Teresa take it up the ass, complete with Italian hand gesture. Juicy says he'd take back calling Joe "Josephine" and "Horsey Face," though those bon mots still crack him up. Joe Gorga says, "Don't make me get up" in a quasi-threatening manner, but I guess he's joking? Who can even tell with these fools. Juicy says that at least now that Joe's head is shaved his jacket won't get dirty with spray-on hair. Melissa says she'd take back anything about Juicy or "products." Oh, I guess that's when she slammed Teresa's tacky endorsement deals? Tough talk from a Sizzle Tans wife. Teresa would take back calling Jacqueline evil. All the insults about Melissa she'll keep, though.
Andy Cohen introduces a montage of insults. Brown shits! Douchebags! Poopy head! Hot dog! Whore whore! Fat girls are blowjob queens! Jerks! Congratulations, stupid! Horsey Face! Evil stepsister! Happy witch! Sociopath! Idiots! Scumbags! Butchy boys! Josephine! I'll drink to that! Andy loves that everyone can now laugh about it, and Joe says that names don't mean anything. Teresa glares at him, suggesting that he might stop speaking for everyone. Patty from Baltimore asks if Teresa finally understands what a sociopath is. Some fumbling indicates that an expanded vocabulary is not a priority issue for her. The group talks for a minute about little Gino Gorga's newfound sassiness, even though it doesn't even rank as the tip of the sassy tail of one Milania Giudice. Katie from Pittsburgh asks how Caroline can laugh when Chris and Albie call fat girls blow job queens, and notes that maybe they're single for a reason that has nothing to do with their time-consuming business ventures. Caroline notes that Katie from Pittsburgh makes stupid comments, and also she sort of believes that fat girls are blowjob queens. Rosie corrects her by saying, "This fat girl never gave a blowjob. That's for damn sure." Andy actually reaches over and gives her a high five, because Rosie is his favorite too. Andy Cohen: he's just like us! But better dressed.
And then there is discussion about whether Melissa was offended by being called "Horsey Face"(yes, probably), and whether or not this is worse than Melissa accusing Juicy of being a cheater, and whether or not that is worse than Teresa calling Melissa a gold digger. Teresa grills Melissa about whether she has definitive knowledge that Juicy cheated, and Melissa quite oddly shuts down and apologizes. Talk eventually turns, as it is wont to do, to Juicy calling Teresa a cunt last season. Apparently that's the only time he's ever said the word. You know what an innocent flower he is, after all! He explains that at the end of that trip, anything would have triggered him to call someone a cunt. That happens to me at about 3:00 p.m. every weekday, so I'm making the executive decision to give him a pass on this one.
And then it's time for an Arizona montage! Joe farted in the lobby of the retreat hotel, bugs and bats flew around with abandon, Richie called out Melissa's cameltoe, Wyatt the horse whisperer got Al to acknowledge that he had been abused, and the retreat ended with everyone screaming at each other again, per usual. Caroline had oft claimed that this bunch was not made for a Zen retreat, and this is because they're loud and obnoxious and generally awful. Except for Rosie! For her, the retreat was life changing. She quit smoking, and also stopped feeling like she wasn't good enough. Juicy tells Rosie that she looks good, and we learn that apparently Juicy and Rosie were workout partners! And then Rosie blows kisses to everybody until Juicy says that he wants a real hug and kiss, and then somebody yells, "Get a room!" WHO KNEW that these two would be the adorable story of the season? The cockles of my heart are at least tepid.
A fan named Mark asks Joe why it was easier for him to move past the bad feelings with Juicy than it was with Teresa. Joe says that while Teresa is the evil non-genius behind all of the drama and nastiness, Juicy just basically goes on his merry way and only jumps in occasionally. Overall, though, he'd rather forget about all of the drama and just be together. Teresa, claims Joe, is more competitive. She balks at this, and then Juicy breaks in to say that the idea that Teresa is behind all of the rumors and nastiness is ridiculous. She might be present when things are brought up, but she's not the one doing the digging. Juicy says that both Joe and Melissa look like a couple of jackasses. So much for going on his merry way, eh? He keeps referring to "Penelope" causing troubles, and overall thinks it's all a bunch of crap. Joe is offended that Juicy thinks he and Melissa look like jackasses, when really they're just constantly defending themselves. Oh yes, what victims they are. He points out that after all the crap they're STILL there for Teresa (um, kind of), and says that he's a street guy -- he had to go through a METAL DETECTOR at his high school (join the fucking club) and so knows what's what. Teresa says that she's not at fault when other people bring up accusations, but Kathy claims that when you spread the poison, you're as guilty as the person starting the poison.
Melissa points out that if Teresa hadn't been at the table with the rumormongers, none of the accusations about her would be on national television. And then we get to the real issue, which is that Teresa hates hates hates that Melissa is on this show. Still. Always. She says that everybody knows what happened with Dina and Caroline -- the show broke a family apart. Teresa felt like Melissa and Joe came on the show to take her down, and couldn't believe all the shit that happened at the Christening, four hours into filming. She didn't want her kids to see that, and isn't pleased that she wound up looking like a villain. She wonders what she did to Joe to make him act out like that at the Christening, when nothing like that has ever happened in their family. What she did to Joe was instill the belief that he too could be a famewhore if he just acted horrendous enough. "Supposably," says Joe using finger quotes, he looked like a maniac at the Christening. But what set him off was that Teresa wanted nothing to do with him for two years, but once the cameras were rolling she acted like his beefusses. He claims that maybe he got on the show to get close to his sister. A genius plan if ever there was one! And actually a falsehood.
Talk then turns to how the Gorga parents now hate Joe. He wonders who told them that he and Melissa are devils for being on the show. Teresa thinks that Joe has a "façade in his head" about this, and he notes that they'll only film with him if he's with her. Teresa doesn't want to talk about their parents, and also doesn't like that he put her in the middle of this issue with them. Melissa has the final word on the situation, telling Joe to leave his parents out of it. Andy then asks Juicy if he ever feels like Teresa is wrong about anything on the show. As Juicy says that everyone constantly puts the blame on her, Rosie talks over everyone to tell Teresa to just admit her fucking part in all of it. Because really, she's not fooling anybody. And ditto for Melissa. Say what you have to say, says Rosie, and get done with it. And really, getting done with it can't happen soon enough.
Andy then asks Caroline if she was surprised that Al revealed to Wyatt the equine therapist that he had been emotionally abused. Caroline says that her father-in-law never laid a hand on his kids, but sometimes their punishments were extreme. For example, sometimes they'd have to shovel the snow with a tablespoon. But, Caroline says, other than his violently cruel outbursts he was a great guy. Father of the year! A fan asks if Caroline's family is the real life Sopranos, and reminds us that there was some speculation about Albert's dad's death. Caroline is offended at the Mafioso accusations, saying that Albert has worked like an animal at the Brownstone since his father bought it when he was 18. She'll go to war with anybody who tries to besmudge his name. Albert's dad's death was indeed suspect, but Caroline and Al don't want to know the truth behind it. Apparently Al's father's body was found on Caroline's birthday, and she has no desire to go back to the horrors of that time. And whoever doesn't understand that, she says, can go eff themselves. Also, stop asking her about the cheating thing. Andy is basically like, "…okay." If you're wondering what they're talking about, here you go.
And then it's time to talk about the Giudice legal issues. In Arizona, Juicy had a big breakthrough by admitting that he was afraid of going to prison. Caroline gets emotional during the montage, and says there's something about Juicy that's very real. It was endearing when he allowed himself to be vulnerable in Arizona and showed that he was scared. Joe regrets saying in the Adirondikes that Juicy should go to jail, even though actually it was Melissa who said it. So he just thought it I guess? And how much of an evil genius is Andy Cohen for getting these idiots to apologize for things that they didn't even say? Melissa regrets saying it, as does Jacqueline on last season's reunion. Jacqueline now feels for Juicy as a man, a husband, and a father. We learn that Juicy has his license back, and also doesn't really know what the hell is going on with his court case. Why bother to pay attention to something so trivial, after all? A fan asks if Teresa believes that her current legal troubles are karma, and she says she doesn't believe in karma, despite what she said in Arizona. "Karma was everywhere" in Arizona, apparently, and that's why she used the word with Jacqueline. Basically, Teresa has no idea what she's talking about, per usual. She says that she doesn't know why the Giudices are in this situation, and things happen in life that you have no control over. Quoth Andy Cohen, "Some would argue that it's a situation that you DO have control over." Damn, girl!
Rachel from Memphis asks Caroline if Teresa and her money-grubbing ways are responsible for the current Giudice legal issues. Caroline claims not to be familiar with the particulars of their current legal issues, so has no comment. Except, henceforth, for all of her comments about how Juicy is happy getting drunk on a jug of wine while Teresa likes nice things. Teresa points out that she works very hard, and Caroline's final word is that the whole thing is awful and she doesn't like to talk about it. Except for all the talking about it that she just did.
Andy asks Joe Gorga what went through his mind when he first heard about the indictment. A gust of wind? He says that he got depressed, and it's hard to talk about. He doesn't want to touch on the subject, and says he hopes it works out. Teresa was the one who told Joe and Melissa and Jacqueline that something was about to happen, and apparently Joe simply said he was there for her. Kathy says that the situation is heartbreaking, and she wants the pain to go away for Juicy and Teresa. Melissa adds that it's a scary thing, and Joe interjects to say that they took the girls out to dinner and when Gabriela took to him both he and Melissa started crying. I guess because she's bound to get a lack of attention in the orphanage with her appropriately sized forehead and decent manners? No matter what, says Joe, you never want to see your family going through something like this.
There have been a lot of fan questions as to whether, if Juicy and Teresa are sent to the clink, Joe and Melissa would step in and take care of the kids. There is a long pause, and Melissa says that if Teresa ever asked them to, of course they would. Joe says that they'd be there in a heartbeat. When he heard the news he called his sister immediately, but he couldn't call Juicy because it was too hard. Andy asks what Joe wants to say to Juicy. Joe doesn't know. Teresa says she's the same way, and it's hard for them to express her feelings. She knows what her brother means. She notes that traditional Italian parents are supposed to be stern so kids respect them, and so she and Joe didn't necessarily hear from their parents that they loved them. Now they'll say it, and Teresa tells her kids all the time. Andy asks Joe if he's worried that Teresa and Joe will go to jail, and he says that of course he is. Melissa tries to squeeze out a tear as she says she's sad for them and sad for the girls. Teresa tells Andy that of course this issue bothers her, and there are a lot of nights when she cries herself to sleep. She's worried about her family, but is trying to be strong. People might knock her for that, but she says that if she falls apart the rest of the family will fall apart. She puts a smile on her face, and tries to keep the kids from feeling any pain.
Andy says that Juicy strikes him as a warm family man who isn't necessarily the most introspective. He wonders, in the darkest depths of Juicy's mind, what he fears. Juicy tries not to let himself go there, because it could break him down. He tries to keep positive and hopes that it will go away. He feels for his kids and family, and has to stay strong for them. Teresa says that they're continuing to live their lives in the same manner, and Gia has gotten a ton of support from her friends already. Teresa and Juicy have also gotten a lot of support, though maybe not from certain people sitting on these couches. Jacqueline cries as she notes that the whole situation is scary, and she can't imagine what it's like. She thinks that Teresa is strong for going on like nothing happened, even though she has to be scared. Andy asks if Jacqueline is worried about Teresa if she has to parent without Juicy. Jacqueline thinks that Teresa will have the support that she needs, and Jacqueline is among that support network. And I maybe will wind up adopting Milania to take off some of the burden.
From early in the show, we know that former NYC police commissioner Bernie Kerik is an old family friend of Caroline and Al's. He was recently released from jail, and she and Teresa have had a conversation about that. Caroline has talked to Teresa about communicating with her girls, and making them understand the truth especially in the face of other cruel children. She adds that you have to rely on those you leave behind to be your strength and your backbone, and you'd be amazed at the friends you thought you had who will run. Al witnessed that when his father passed, too. Then there are the real friends, whom it would be wise to identify sooner rather than later. Whatever direction things go, says Caroline, Teresa and Juicy will be okay.
Andy asks a fan question for all the ladies: if you could have done one thing differently on all the seasons, what would it be? Jacqueline says she would have been quieter during the last reunion. Caroline one ups her, saying she would have been sick for the whole of season four. Melissa is stumped, and Kathy says she would have tried to reach out to Teresa before she joined the show to make sure Teresa knew that she didn't have any ill intent in becoming a cast member. Teresa would have been a better friend to Jacqueline. And back to Melissa. She says she would have filmed more with Teresa and the kids. She thought for minutes and examples from everyone else and that was all she could come up with?
Andy asks for any final words. Teresa says that she was hurt that Caroline called her superficial, and that Kathy and Melissa jumped on that bandwagon. The only person who didn't jump on that bandwagon was Jacqueline, who has proven to Teresa today that she does want to move forward. Didn't she prove that like six times during the last season? Ugh, they're all so odious. Caroline, says Teresa, has known her for over ten years and should know that she has a heart of gold. Caroline wonders if all of the various therapies they've had over the past several months are being thrown out the window by the fact that Caroline called Teresa out on a blatant lie to hurt the Manzos. Teresa goes on about how Caroline has hurt and attacked her, and then Caroline just starts screaming. Melissa pipes in, and then Teresa basically calls the other ladies harpies for jumping on the bandwagon by pointing her idiotic behavior. They all think that Teresa only likes Jacqueline because she sits there silently. Teresa tries to browbeat Caroline into saying that she has a good heart, and Caroline won't do it! But she has no animosity toward Teresa now, except for that which is completely apparent in this moment.
Andy tells us that it's been a turbulent season, and apparently there's still further to go till there's peace in Jersey. If there's a season six, it will definitely be full of PTSD for me!
Thank you all for surviving another season with me, and here's hoping your own families are mildly less dysfunctional than the Jersey ones we see before us!
Potes is beefusses with the final episode of this season! Tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com in celebration.