Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Albie and Chris were opening a restaurant, and Big Al told Caroline to shut the fuck up when she suggested he might stop working so much and relax a little. A hotshot producer invited Melissa to his Orlando compound. A vocal coach would be involved. Jacqueline conquered her fear of public speaking to address a crowd at an event to benefit autism. And Joe and Melissa "happened" "to" "bump" "into" that hag Penny at a restaurant, where she told them that Teresa was behind the cheating rumors. So much for Big Al's entreaty for them to form a united front to confront the pieces of garbage who were tearing apart their otherwise stellar family harmony!
We enter with Melissa trying to teach little Joey how to say his full name. He apparently thinks he's a hyphenate, trying out "Joey Gorga-Fart." Maybe "Fart" is actually Melissa's maiden name, and he's paying tribute to her Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario style. Melissa is prepping for her Orlando trip, and doesn't want to let hotshot producer/agent/former Timberlake associate Johnny down by not being able to get past her rather mediocre talents. And apparently Melissa called Teresa off-camera to confront her about Penny's assertion that she was behind all the cheating rumors. Teresa denied it all, pulling out the old, "Who are you going to believe - her or me?" which is a question I might not have asked if I were Teresa in this particular context.
And then we are reminded that Penny has a mean-tweeting husband named Johnny the Greek who is somehow involved. Melissa is simultaneously disturbed and delighted that this house of lies is crumbling. Its lack of structural soundness is not surprising, given that it is a house built by morons. As little Joey Gorga-Fart hangs out and pretends to talk on the phone, Melissa says that there's a line between Teresa, Penny, and the truth. Then Joe tells us that from as early as five, Teresa had to be right, even when she was wrong. E.g., she's always been a liar. Joe wants to get to the bottom of the whole thing, so Melissa tells him to go talk to Johnny the Greek, which he thinks is a great idea. I think it's a terrible idea to bring yet another bonehead into the mix, but no one ever listens to me about these things.
And then matters get even worse! Rekindled BFFs Teresa and Jacqueline go shopping…at POSCHE. Ugh. This means we have to deal with that hag Kim D. yet again. The three ladies discuss whether or not camel toe is sexy, and Jacqueline tells us that Lucy and Ethel are back. Hooray? Kim D. announces that she went to a new salon called the Moxie, who invited her to put a boutique in. In the salon? How would Tabatha feel about that? Are there zoning laws? In any case, they're having an opening week, and Kim D. is planning on inviting all the girls. Unsurprisingly, Penny will also be invited. Teresa explains to Kim, who claims to be unaware, that Penny is accusing Teresa of being the one behind the cheating rumors. Kim advises Teresa to be her happy Teresa self about it, and Teresa says she'll be calm as a cucumber. Sigh.
And then we're with Melissa and Joe at Johnny Wright's compound in Orlando. She whispers that she thinks this is where N'Sync was made. I'm sure there are curly Timberlake hairs still in the dark recesses of the bathroom. Johnny has "Now That's What I Call Music" volumes 12 and 13 framed on his wall, so you KNOW he's legit. Johnny explains that everyone from the Jonas Brothers to Britney to Justin to the Backstreet Boys have started out there, which begs the question of why he chose now to start working with a grown woman.
There's a local radio station called XL106.7, and every band that Johnny has launched has begun by having that station embrace their music. Johnny wants to take Melissa's new single to the radio station, and hopes that they'll then invite her to perform at their big concert, which typically has 150,000 people in attendance. The catch is that the station is going to make her perform live on air. Melissa is intimidated, given past knowledge of her lip syncing. But she's willing to work with Johnny to get herself better, and is ready to try croaking out a live note or two. Johnny warns her that his compound is pretty (it's not) but it's also a boot camp, so she'd better get ready. Melissa is down with whatever it takes.
And then there's Kathy. Her son Joseph wonders what they're going to do for his birthday, when Richie comes rolling up in a Jeep with balloons tied on it. One of the balloons is a champagne bottle, and Kathy reminds him that drinking and driving is a serious issue. Richie in turn wonders if she has a cannoli to fill. Apparently the Jeep was Kathy's idea, and Joseph takes it for a spin. Richie tells Joseph that this gift instantly elongates his penis by two inches, which means he now has a three-inch penis. The longest in the family! Congrats, kid.
And then Teresa puts on her Carmen Sandiego hat and heads to a restaurant to meet with her friend Victoria Gotti. Wait, WHAT? What the fuck is even happening here? It will say something about the physical charms of the various bit players on this show that I was trying to figure out if that was Kim D. or Penny who walked in the restaurant. And aha! All is explained as Teresa reminds us that she and Victoria Gotti were on Celebrity Apprentice together and hit it off. She loves Victoria's "spunk," and apparently Victoria has been a great friend.
Victoria wastes little time in asking if Teresa is afraid that Juicy will go to jail. Teresa looks a little taken aback by this question, though OF COURSE Victoria Gotti wants to talk about whether your loved one is headed to the clink. She says she doesn't want to talk about legal matters, and Victoria follows up by confirming that Teresa will be there if things go bad with Joe. And now, of course, she might literally be there, in the cell block to him. Victoria was herself a prison wife, and tells Teresa to sit down with Gia, who's old enough to understand the situation, and explain to her what's going on rather than letting her hear rumors at school or read the tabloids. This advice comes from experience. Teresa says that she does tell Gia, and they're very open with her. Victoria tells Teresa to stand by Joe's side through whatever happens and have faith that it will be okay. And if it's not, Teresa is old school -- she took her vows for better or worse and is going to stand by her man.
Oh boy, and then we're with Melissa at vocal coaching. She at least has the awareness to say aloud that she sounds like a dead dog. Her coach says tactfully, "There's some stuff that we've gotta work on." It normally takes him a couple of weeks to impart all the vocal coaching information that would be useful, but apparently Melissa has to learn it all in 24 hours, with Joe Gorga lurking in the background no less. Melissa is feeling a lot of pressure and partly wants to crawl in a hole and die, but she knows that if she wants to get better and fulfill her dream of having a singing career she needs to buckle down and listen to what people are telling her. And we can crack on Melissa's singing all we want, but this is probably the first time in our history with Melissa that I feel a modicum of respect for her. She sings through her new song, but isn't really feeling it. Even Joe has to acknowledge that she's not perfect, though her voice to him is like an angel from heaven. The coach isn't feeling the situation, and this whole thing begs the question of why they don't just give her a song that isn't so rangy.
And then we're in Hoboken for the opening night of Little Town NJ, the restaurant that might finally garner a paycheck for Albie and Chris. The two worry a little about what their parents are going to think, and Albie says that the opening is a big deal. When he flunked out of law school there were a lot of people who told him he'd amount to nothing, and this is his chance to prove them wrong. He goes back in the kitchen to bother the cooks for a while, while Chris goes out to work the crowd and provide some direction to staff. Caroline shows up and notes instantly that Albie looks stressed. She's concerned about the boys, saying that BLK is a financial burden right now -- because who would have thought that black colored water wouldn't take off? -- but she hopes that Little Town is a success. Otherwise, Big Al might never retire. The boys feed Caroline some Brownstone Beefsteak, and she shakes her head, noting that it doesn't quite live up to the Brownstone name.
The rest of the Housewives arrive, as does Albert. Chris says that he isn't really worried about what the general public will think of the food tonight, since we are all sheep who are happy to be plied with free food and alcohol. He is, however, worried about Albert's opinion. If he doesn't like anything they're serving, they have a lot of problems. Al tries the beefsteak, and is way more complimentary of it than Caroline and Lauren were. He tells them that if they work hard and put good food out there, they can make a go of it. And then he tells Caroline that the best thing she can do for Albie is to stop worrying about Albie. Caroline will NEVER stop worrying. But she's proud, and says the best item on the menu is her Sunday gravy and meatballs, naturally.
Then we're back in Orlando and at the radio station with Melissa. The station is huge, and Melissa has worn an extra shiny top for the occasion. She notes that her vocal lesson was a little bit shaky, and she has a lot to prove to Johnny in this moment. The DJs take their places, and there is a small studio audience in attendance. Melissa talks about the new song, and how it's her best track yet.
Meanwhile, back in New Jersey, the rest of the crew get ready to hear Melissa's live radio interview. Jacqueline is holding a listening party, and Teresa and Juicy and the kids are in their car. Kathy looks a little nervous as she confirms that Melissa is indeed performing this live. Or, as we are to learn, live with a backing track. Juicy thinks it has a good beat but is a chick song -- the kind that typically involves chick dancers. Cut to Melissa performing with two chick dancers behind her. Richie says he needs more wine to get into this shit, but Kathy puts forth that Melissa's voice sounds so good. Chris looks at Richie, and they crack up. I mean, she could sound worse, theoretically. Kathy interviews that "Never Let Me Go" is a great song, but she just can't get into it. She prefers "Rockstar."
The Giudices pass the Sizzle Tans billboard, and Juicy wonders if Joe is a background dancer. Cut to Joe dancing on a chair in the back of the room. And Joe is super sweet as he says that he doesn't care if she lip syncs or not. This is her dream, to lip sync meaningless drivel in front of strangers, and now it's his dream too. Teresa is proud of Melissa, saying that she sounds great, and it's not every day that a 30-something year old becomes a pop star. There's a first time for everything, she adds, and I'm not sure if that's all meant to be an insult or not.
Johnny says that he's proud of Melissa, and not only does the station want her to come back, but she's booked the 150,000 people show. This whole ordeal has been one of Melissa's favorite experiences ever, because she hasn't yet seen the footage of Chris and Richie cracking up at her cracking vocals.
Cut to Jammin' Jen, the music therapist working with Nicholas. She asks him his name, and "Fart" is not involved. Chris sits with Jacqueline and they talk about the fact that Johnny the Greek was on Twitter saying that they're faking Nicholas's autism for attention. Fucking Johnny the Greek is the last thing we all need right now, am I right? Chris notes that you're a horrible human being if you talk shit about children, and Jacqueline points out that if you're a man sitting at the computer and Tweeting about REAL FUCKING HOUSEWIVES then you are also a little bitch. I mean, point. She interviews that drama always seems to surface around Teresa, and that now that she's hanging around Teresa more, this Johnny the Greek character is coming after them. And when it comes to Teresa versus Penny/Johnny, the official opinion is that they're all scumbags. And with the Posche II opening coming up, Jacqueline is looking forward to confronting these bitches in person.
And then it's the night of the show, and while Juicy is hilariously confused/uninterested about who exactly these Penny/Johnny people are, Joe wonders if Melissa is finally going to grow a pair and get to the bottom of this situation. Melissa does in fact want to settle it once and for all, and Joe hopes that Johnny the Greek is in attendance so he can settle his face. Melissa notes that the more she thinks about it, very intimate details about her -- including the fact that she waited two weeks to visit her father in law at the hospital -- were out on Twitter. Melissa theorizes that Teresa did have some involvement, but likely didn't realize that these idiots/scumbags would take it to such an extreme. And I actually think that's a fair assessment.
Meanwhile, Teresa explains to Juicy that Penny is now claiming that she was the one who started the stripping and cheating rumors. Juicy doesn't even really know who Penny is, and Teresa tries to claim that she doesn't know Penny from a hole in the wall, either. But, she can't wait to hear what the bitch has to say. She thinks they're going to confront Penny together tonight, which…we'll see how all that goes. Juicy tells her to talk it out and see what happens, then gets to his first preoccupation for the evening and mocks the GPS lady's voice.
Cut to the party, in which a lot of stripper heels are in attendance. Jacqueline arrives and lies to Kim D. that she looks hot. Everyone takes pictures with Kim D., which I think is strange since she was public enemy number one not all that long ago. Juicy gets his eyebrows tweezed to hilarious effect, while Jacqueline takes a turn in the salon chair. Joe and Melissa arrive, and then Joe, Chris and Jacqueline start talking about Johnny the Greek and how they all want him to mind his fucking business. Richie, who I suppose escaped the wrath of Johnny the Greek since no one cares about Kathy, says this evening has provided the perfect storm for a quality Housewives confrontation.
Fucking Penny arrives, and Richie theorizes that someone must have dropped her on her head as a baby. Or on her face, maybe. Everyone wonders where her husband is, but Jacqueline doesn't need to wait for The Greek to start a confrontation. She heads over to Penny, much to Caroline's alarm. She approaches, and Penny is all, "Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy." Jacqueline first confirms that Johnny the Greek will be coming, then says that he's been tweeting that they're faking Nick's autism. Penny goes, "That's a lie," and insists that Johnny never said that, ever. Isn't there a Twitter record of this somewhere?
Penny tells Jacqueline that if she had a problem with her, she'd say it to her face. Jacqueline is all, "I've seen the tweets, duh." Then Penny says that there is a person who's talking so much garbage about Jacqueline, who asked Penny and Johnny to say shit about her. Jacqueline, who has nascent powers of deductive reasoning, points out that Penny first said that she wasn't talking shit, then said that someone put her up to talking shit. So which is it, you hag? And also, she's an adult who makes her own decisions, so stop trying to deflect your garbage behavior on to someone else.
And then the best news of all time happens during the commercial break! Sunday is the RHONJ season finale! THANK YOU, GODS! This day just got SO much better, though I'm sure the reunion will be sixteen parts long.
In any case, Jacqueline asks Penny who the alleged shit-talker is, and Penny won't spill. Caroline thinks she's full of shit. To wit, Penny says that she loves autistic children, and "taught autism." It's not a surprise that she's dumber than we thought a human could possibly be, right? Melissa then approaches and asks Penny to come and meet with her and Teresa. And all of the other housewives, and Joe. And whoever else feels like standing around. Melissa says that Penny told her Teresa was behind the rumors, but that Teresa -- who is standing right there -- denies it. Melissa wonders how Penny would have known that she didn't visit her father-in-law. Penny claims that Teresa told her, and Teresa gets that table-flipping look in her eyes. She says emphatically that she did not, and furthermore did not even speak to Penny. They point at each other, then argue about whether anybody should be pointing, and then tell each other to fuck off a bunch.
Jacqueline surmises that Teresa is now regretting getting these people involved in their lives, but perhaps she started something she can't stop. So the general consensus seems to be that Teresa did indeed start this shit, but that these Penny/Johnny characters took it to a whole other level. Penny and Teresa call each other crazy for a while, and then Penny drops that last year at the Posche fashion show, Teresa knew that Melissa was being set up and wanted to destroy her. As the surrounding crowd looks agog and aghast, the episode ends.
week: Penny. Johnny the Greek. Fisticuffs. Tears. And it all ends! Joy to the world!
Potes is basking in the ray of sunshine that is the knowledge that this show is ending in a week! Tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com to share in the bliss.