Oh my God, FINALLY we have made it to the reunion episodes of the fifth season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. It is my birthday, and apparently my gift is the fact that this is a 90-minute episode. Thanks, universe. All of the ladies are with Andy Cohen, and seem relatively calm. Andy brings up the evil show that was last year's reunion, and asks everyone how they're doing with one another now. Jacqueline says that things are so much better, and it's crazy how so much can change in a year. She and Teresa are back in Lucy and Ethel mode, and hopefully that means that no one is going to have to speak about Joe Giudice bending his secretary over his desk.
Teresa no longer feels like everyone is against her, and says that the other women have been fairly supportive of her as she faces THIRTY FREAKING NINE counts of federal fraud. Andy asks the others if they were surprised about the charges, and Caroline says that while she knew there were issues she didn't understand the magnitude of them. Teresa says that what happened to her could happen to anyone. Um…could it, though? ANYONE? And then it's time for some viewer questions. Colby from New York wonders how Caroline feels about herself this season, particularly after realizing that she came off as a total hag in season four. Caroline thinks she should get a pat on the back for being less nasty, and Teresa gives her kudos while also managing to get in a dig about her age.
Andy lies that it's been an "interesting" year for Caroline, what with her Hoboken apartment and pig-owning sister. There's a montage, in which we are reminded that Al said "cramp in the dick," and revisit the Manzo children's fear that once Caroline and Al spent some time together they'd realize that they don't like each other all that much. We learn that the Manzos are back in Franklin Lakes full time now along with sister Franny. The pig is no longer around, because Franny has now become a rabbit hoarder.
Another fan notes that it hurt to hear Al tell Caroline to shut the fuck up in front of her kids. Caroline says she's not the type of person to let herself be belittled or abused, and that though she and Al fight a whole bunch, they'd die for each other. There's then a really weird conversation in which Caroline maybe says that Al cheated on her but also that he didn't. I'm not quite sure what all that's about, but Melissa says that she personally is the kind who would kill her husband if he was unfaithful. When she's asked about her position on spousal infidelity, Teresa says she does not think that Juicy cheated on her. One of the Juicy cheating rumors had to do with a babysitter/secretary, and this in fact was the incident that Jacqueline brought up last season (we don't get the exact footage of her talking about him bending said person over the desk, but it rings like an echo in the brain). When asked by Andy to explain why she brought that up, Jacqueline defers and says she crossed a line and doesn't want to talk about it further.
Tammy from Nashville then asks if Caroline has been inspired to fix things with Dina. The long answer is…no. Apparently Dina gave an interview recently in which she said that she distanced herself from everyone on the show after leaving the cast, including Teresa. But Teresa showed up on her door and they talked through it since Teresa was upset that Dina was missing from her life. Caroline wants to keep it out of the press, because she does not want a Joe/Melissa/Teresa-style dirty laundry airing. It was Caroline who initially said that Melissa and Teresa are very similar, and she's sticking to that assertion. Melissa doesn't think so, saying they're very different on the inside. Except for the silicone, which I'm guessing is the same.
Andy asks Melissa about her new single, and she says they're working on radio play now. A fan writes in to note that people criticize her music for its heavy use of autotuning, and then talk turns to Melissa's book. In it, Melissa talked about her father's absence and how it has affected what she wants in her marriage. Teresa didn't know about Melissa's past and says it was weird to hear it on TV for the first time, as if these two had ever been close family confidantes. For the record, Teresa and Melissa TOTALLY still hate each other.
A fan writes in to ask why Melissa didn't put Joe on her book cover, and she says that SHE wrote the book and not Joe, which we all know would be impossible because he's actually illiterate. This question is one that was asked by Teresa, which you can tell peeves Melissa to no end. And then they bicker about Melissa's statement that her book is a REAL book and not just recipes for a while, as if anyone gives half a shit about it. In other news, Melissa apparently chooses all of Joe's secretaries and makes sure they're even older than Caroline, and generally keeps him on a tight leash. While Caroline has gone to strip clubs and gotten a lap dance with Al right beside her (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), Melissa prefers to keep her man at home where she can relive her stripper past for his eyes only.
Ugh, and then we start to talk about the hangers-on. Jan apparently texted Melissa after the cheating rumors dinner to tell her to watch her back, because Teresa and Kim D. were after her. Teresa refuses to make an official statement about this, and then Melissa talks about how Jan sold her out because she wanted to be on the show. Oh NO, and then they start talking about tabloids again. Teresa heard somewhere that Melissa has a contract with Radar Online, whereby if she gives them negative stories about Teresa they won't write anything bad about her. Melissa wonders why Teresa called Joe about this and not her, and the answer is obviously because she still hates Melissa. They go back and forth for a while until Caroline speaks for a nation as she busts in to say, "WHO CARES?" Jesus.
And then it's time to take a trip through cannoli memory lane. If you'll recall, Kathy wanted to start a baking business this season and Richie was basically a giant pain in her ass. And then Wyatt the Juicy whisperer set them straight in Arizona. And of course, much like her doppelganger Rodney Dangerfield, Kathy gets no respect. Jacqueline makes a joke that she wasn't paying attention during Kathy's montage, which Kathy does not seem to appreciate.
A fan asks if Kathy would approve of Victoria's future husband belittling her in a manner reminiscent of Richie's treatment of Kathy. Kathy retorts that her husband is 100% supportive of her, and not a male chauvinist pig. They're merely going through a "different adjustment" that is cannoli-related. You may recall Teresa's interview in which she raved that the cannolis were "edible." Kathy sure does, and Teresa clarifies that if she said that, it wasn't in a "mean-ful" way. MEAN-FUL. Richie apparently has a habit of mean-tweeting ladies on Twitter, and being a jerk to Victoria's friends. God, I wish Caroline would raise her hand and yell, "WHO CARES?" like every sixteen seconds during this episode, including when she's talking.
We learn that Ashle(e)(y) is back at home with Jacqueline and that things are good, and then we move on to Jacqueline's struggle with Nicholas's autism. The montage makes Jacqueline tear up, and she says it's a joy and challenge every day. Nick is starting to spell words and can request things, but he still has plenty of struggles and frustrations. Fans were divided as to whether Jacqueline was being brave in sharing this experience or just plain exploiting the situation. Jacqueline says that she was raising awareness, and is both getting help and giving help by making her struggle public. Melissa pipes in to say that she thought the world was a better place (without so many mean commenters on the internet -- sorry guys!) before she got on a reality show. Well, we all have to learn sometime.
And then it's time to talk about Jacqueline's plastic surgery. Andy Cohen says that he literally almost barfed when he saw Jacqueline's fatty flesh triangles, particularly the piece with the tattoo on it. And yet he let this shit be aired to disturb the rest of us! Thanks, sport. Jacqueline is forced to list her various surgeries -- boobs, tummy tuck, neck, and nose. The rest is just Botox and filler. Jacqueline is officially the Jersey housewife with the most surgery. I will note that she's still far behind any of the Beverly Hills housewives. For the record, Dina has not reached out to Jacqueline about Nick, and the friendship breakup with Teresa was harder than the one with Dina.
Oh great, and then after a break Juicy and Joe Gorga join the ladies. We get to revisit the Giudice/Gorga family feud through a montage, and when it's over Melissa wonders why Teresa wasn't flipping tables when others spread dirty rumors about her. She acknowledges that it's not Teresa's fault that Jan was a jerk-off on national TV, but Teresa had to have had some knowledge that it was going to happen since she's beefusses with Kim D. Teresa is incensed at the accusation that Kim D. is her beefusses. And then there is some argument about whether Melissa's sisters trash Teresa on Twitter, and the best part of it all is how over it Juicy is. This is a man who doesn't want to waste the final precious minutes of his freedom in listening to this bullshit. In a blog, Teresa once wrote that she loves Melissa but may not ever like her. She claims that that was a long time ago and that she likes Melissa now, which we all know is untrue. We then learn that the families have not gotten together all summer, which is completely unsurprising.
Oh God and then Joe Gorga starts talking, but we are quickly rescued by Rosie. She's wearing pearls and looks super cute. A fan asks Kathy if she's concerned about Rosie's mental health, given her rage issues. Rosie says that it's not rage -- she's just passionate about things she believes in. Teresa says that she and Rosie are very alike in that they get fiery but don't hold grudges. Andy calls bullshit on the no grudges piece, because even he is over this shit too. And ha! Then we get a montage of the Rosie/Juicy friendship, which is by far the best part of this episode. The Juicy/Rosie montage gets an A+ in a D episode, thus raising the overall grade substantially. There's a moment when Gia tells both Rosie and Juicy (who thinks that the moon and/or "Hercules" is the planet closest to the sun) that they are not bright people. And then of course they had the debate about whether or not Joe had ovaries. Juicy and Rosie apparently have a web series at Bravotv.com. How did I not know about this before? They are magical.
Oh boy. And then. So, a fan wrote in to ask Juicy about liking Rosie so much even though he hasn't been so complimentary of the gays in the past. Juicy says he has no problem with gay people, and made one dumb remark that got blown out of proportion. But these assholes can't stop there. First Juicy says that you can ask all the gay people you want -- he's never offended a one. ORLY, asks Andy Cohen's face. Teresa then actually literally says, "We have a gay couple that we're friends with." I mean…I KNOW. And then Teresa says that she hangs out with the girl and Juicy hangs out with the guy. Cue puzzled look from Andy Cohen, in response to which Teresa and Juicy explain that in gay male couples, there's always a girl and a guy. You know, says Juicy, there's a "feminier" one. Rosie says there's no girl and boy in a gay relationship, and kind of can't believe that she's related to these morons.
And then it's time to revisit the Adirondikes retreat. Teresa rented a castle where she thought she and Joe could work out their issues. Joe thought the whole thing would be a waste of time. I thought so too, until we learned about Joe Gorga's spray-on hair, which made it all worthwhile. There were, of course, nut-biting fisticuffs, and Melissa compared Juicy to Saddam Hussein. Joe says that the fight was embarrassing, but was the best thing that ever happened. It made him realize that he loved Juicy, and that he's family. Teresa wonders why things have to go to violence and they can't just talk it out. Um, because they're all half-wits? Andy asks if Joe was really biting Juicy in the nuts, and Joe says that no, in fact he was PINCHING Juicy in the nuts.
A fan writes in to ask if Kathy was disturbed that Richie groped Rosie's boobs in the Adirondikes. Nay, says Kathy, because they're a very close family and they all touch. Rosie then grabs Joe Gorga's package, and Caroline gets a look on her face that signifies that she's questioning the life choices that brought her to this couch in this particular moment. Girl, I feel you. After some talk about Joe Gorga's spray-on hair, a fan wonders why Teresa thinks it's okay for her to call Joe pussy-whipped but unacceptable for him to call her scum. It's because she's a hypocrite as well as an idiot. The end.
Melissa and Teresa then argue about who has said mean comments about whom (everyone about everyone, or the producers aren't doing their jobs). Eventually Andy interrupts with a comment that Teresa made on a blog, saying that Melissa is lucky that she's not spilling some things she knows. Melissa wonders if Teresa has something on her, and it turns out that Teresa does not. Okay, fine: hypocrite, idiot AND liar. Add Sizzle Tans model and you have quite a resume!
Oh no, and then it's time to revisit life with Penny. Penny, as you may remember, was disgusting, and also claimed that Teresa was behind the Melissa cheating and stripping rumors. And then Joe and Penny's husband, Johnny the Greek, got in a fight, and Caroline screamed, "ARE YOU HAPPY?" Andy recounts the popular fan question of why Teresa continues to be friends with that hag Kim D. when she's always getting her in trouble with Joe and Melissa. Teresa says that they're all friends with her, and that Kim D. said she had nothing to do with any of this. Caroline rolls her eyes, and wonders why these assholes even have to be involved. Teresa is still mad that Melissa and Joe believe Penny over her, saying that Penny played all of them. Rosie doesn't want to point fingers, but says that she never sat down to dinner with the bitch, and would have thrown her out if she had. Teresa continues to deny that she was tight with Penny, and gets riled up when the others ask why she's still friends with Kim D. Oh boy, and then I fell asleep for like 90 seconds, and I can't bear to rewind and relive what happened. Something about Teresa and Kim D. being an evil machine, and Joe complaining that he has to go to court because of Johnny the Greek. When it comes to notable court appearances, I think Teresa has him beat, though.
We then get a montage of people trying to convince Teresa to be honest about any of her involvement in the Penny/Kim D./rumors situation and her vaguely admitting that she "made mistakes." Joe seemed moved at the time, and they hugged. And then leggy blonde miracle and relationship expert Dr. V. joins the panel. She was happy to see Teresa apologize and learn that she is not her mistakes. Teresa says that she learned from Dr. V. that it's good to take responsibility and say you're sorry. Dr. V. gives Jacqueline kudos for helping Teresa work through how to talk to Joe. Andy asks Melissa and Joe what they thought Teresa was apologizing for. Joe thinks she was apologizing for the whole thing, but Teresa was really apologizing for listening to rumors when she shouldn't have. Dr. V. gave these guys very specific advice to stay off of Twitter (which they did not heed), and form a united front. Dr. V. was impressed at how they confronted Penny together, and says that there were no more victims and villains -- there were just humans. Early humans, but humans nonetheless.
Andy notes that there are still a lot of issues in play, which, obviously. Dr. V's concern for Joe going forward has to do with his emotional outbursts. She asks the family if they think Joe needs anger management. Teresa is all for it, but Joe says he's got no anger anymore. Dr. V. notes that Joe looks angry right now, and he says that's just how he talks. As Andy wonders if Joe has a pattern of behavior -- seen at the Christening, Lake George, and elsewhere -- Joe turns to Rosie and notes that "these people" think he's a freaking maniac. He seems to find this funny, though Melissa looks quite serious. When Dr. V. points out that Melissa called Joe an idiot when he got ragey in Arizona, she says that that's how they do it in their marriage and basically implies that Dr. V. should buzz off. Meanwhile, why is Dr. V. dressed like a Robert Palmer video girl?
Dr. V. wonders what the group needs from each other to move forward, and asks Caroline to respond first. Caroline would like to see truth, adding that they haven't gotten it yet. When Andy asks who specifically has not been truthful, she names Melissa and Teresa. Caroline will not be happy until they have a hair-pulling pudding wrestling match. The most truthful moments were the ones when they were caught off guard, and Dr. V. equates truth with vulnerability. When people are vulnerable -- like the Joes, Rosie, Kathy, and Jacqueline -- Caroline respects them more. She brings up the equine therapy, where Melissa said she was feeling…tendons. Teresa and Melissa were superficial about the exercise and didn't respect it, says Caroline, which makes Teresa mad. Apparently, Teresa wrote in a blog that Caroline was miserable in Arizona and she and Al fought the whole time. Caroline says this is a blatant lie, and Teresa says she "heard" that. Also, she was hurt by something Caroline said about her, and so just wrote something nasty. Dr. V. pipes in to confirm that that is indeed a shitty thing to do.
Rosie says that Caroline is trying to make a point, and Teresa is not listening whatsoever. Dr. V. then interjects to ask if she can help Teresa because, "It's hard for you…the words." She is not kidding on that one. Dr. V. wants Teresa to look at Caroline and say that it was shitty of her to do that. And that's all Caroline wants to hear. Melissa notes again how upset she is that Caroline says that she and Teresa are the same person, and Caroline does acknowledge that Melissa would never lie in a blog just for the heck of it. Kathy suggests that Teresa try worrying about how other people are feeling for a change, because that's what families do. Dr. V. tells Teresa not to lash out, and wants her to promise the group to do better. Everyone is so sick of Dr. V. right now, including me.
week: our months-long nightmare will be over as this shit finally ends! Halleloo!
Potes can't believe she spent her birthday with these clowns. Tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com with empathy.