This season on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Hurricane Sandy destroyed the shore houses, and talk turned to rebuilding. It was a metaphor! And there was plenty of emotional rebuilding to do, since everybody hated hurricane Teresa. Methods included a retreat in the Adirondikes, and while a pair of poor, useless facilitators were eaten alive, Dr. Vajayjay made some breakthroughs. Things got even better after a retreat in Arizona featuring Wyatt the Joe Giudice whisperer. But then Kim D. and Penny reared their ugly hag heads, claiming that Teresa was behind the various Melissa Gorga cheating and stripping rumors. Finally, shit came to a head at a Posche event, per usual.
As the finale begins, we're still at the Posche II event, where Penny and Teresa are screaming at each other about whether or not Teresa knew that Melissa would be set up at last year's Posche disaster. Joe Gorga believes Penny, but also thinks that she's a rat, or maybe believes her because she's a rat. I really don't try to look too deeply into his analytic processes. Teresa entreats Penny to show her proof to back up her accusations, and there is much murdering of the word "texts." While Teresa wants to see textes, Penny claims that she doesn't save her texteses, and the soothing white noise of the situation helps Caroline to have a breakthrough while watching the scene through her spectacles. She realizes that the common denominator in all disastrous family-annihilating events is Kim D., who as we know is an evil hag who crawled to Franklin Lakes from her birthplace, the seedy underbelly of a salami factory.
Then the sadly infamous Johnny the Greek shows up, fresh from having eaten a two-story building made of feta cheese. Joe wastes little time in confronting him about his Twittering habits, which include spreading information about the parties to whom Melissa has given blowjobs and her hospital visit schedule to see Joe's dad. I will note that this is the first episode of The Real Housewives that my mother has ever seen, and she was very, very confused. Joe wants to know where all the hate came from, and Johnny insists -- his mouth emerging from his tree trunk neck -- that he never Tweeted anything about the Gorga parents. He tells Joe to ask his sister where all this stems from, finally saying that he (likely via Penny) got all his information from Teresa. Joe yells at the Greek, then the Greek tells him not to raise his voice, and then chaos ensues in which cameras are shoved down to the ground. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but even Juicy seems kind of scared from the sidelines.
Caroline is gravely upset and confronts Kim D., saying this is all because of her, and, "Are you happy, what you did to a family?" In fact, I do think Kim D. is happy. She got an inordinate amount of screen time, AND got to promote her stupid boutique. Christopher has to try to calm Caroline down, and she calls Kim D. a bitter, nasty, no-life moron. I would also add: physically hideous. Kim D. denies having anything to do with anything, despite her knowing smirks throughout the whole season. Then Jacqueline wants to confront the Greek about the Nicholas tweets, but I think maybe he's already gone. Kathy tells us these people are like roaches -- if you kill one, another one comes out. Also, they are wholly repugnant.
Joe wonders why the Greek is always mentioning Teresa, and Melissa tells Teresa that she needs to stand on the side of her family rather than on the side of hags. She wants Teresa to stop patronizing their salons, even though I have to say her hair has been consistently fabulous all season. Teresa makes a firm stand, saying that they can't even sell her Milania hair products if they want to! Joe tells us that he knew Teresa was behind this, but because Johnny the Greek is so disgusting, he couldn't help but be on Teresa's side. Have I mentioned that throughout this event Joe Gorga was wearing a pink shirt with sparkly trim? He's glad that he stayed out of this whole mess.
The day, Melissa is disturbed. Joe is too, saying that the idiot people who Teresa brought into their world are disgusting. Melissa agrees, and notes that Johnny and Penny aren't telling her anything she didn't already know about Teresa. She hopes that Teresa is finally ready to stop the bullshit. Teresa and Juicy drive, and while she's worried about things turning negative again, he says, "Whatever." He adds that everything looks bad to Joe and Melissa, who listen to and believe a bunch of shit. He says that they're "not too smart," even though contextually I think at least Melissa is an IQ bracket up. Cut to Melissa saying that she's not stupid -- she doesn't believe Penny and Johnny 100%, but does think that Teresa asked them to do some dirty work. Joe doesn't know if he can trust Teresa again, and says that he's disappointed rather than mad. He'll probably still smash a thing if given the opportunity, though. While Melissa wants to find forgiveness in her heart and move on, Joe can't believe that Teresa is still denying having any part in the whole mess.
We then visit Jacqueline and Chris, who are discussing the whole situation because what else would anybody ever talk about? Chris has talked to Joe, who said that all Teresa has to do is talk to him and come clean, and the issue is over. If that day doesn't come, Joe won't trust her. Nick comes out and says that he loves Jacqueline, and wants some water please. Though communication is still a challenge, he's come far this year, just like some other quasi-Neanderthals we know.
Meanwhile, Kathy and Richie visit Melissa and Joe. Kathy is concerned, because Joe lets his emotions get the best of him and gets down on himself. Richie compliments him on not being physically scathed from the fistfight, and for approaching the situation with a modicum of calm. Joe says that he still believes that Teresa was involved in the rumors, and while Rich agrees that the night was serious and disgusting, he says that Joe's relationship with his sister is priceless. With Juicy's court date coming up, whatever bullshit that's happening should be put aside. It's time to not just talk about old school, but do old school. Kathy slices cured meats and says that at the end of the day they're all there for each other.
And then there is a brief interlude where Caroline walks through her house and enjoys some sepia-toned memories. The ham game! Her own spiky hair and Victoria's Secret PINK velour sweatpants! Fat Lauren! Albie getting kicked out of law school! Caroline is proud of her family, in that they have not yet devolved into a gaggle of miscreants. Al comes in and Caroline says it's hard to walk away from the house. As if they were ever going to walk away from the house! Nice try with the storyline, Caroline. I guess they're going to get rid of the Hoboken apartment. I know you were all waiting with bated breath for the resolution to that riveting storyline. My mom's take on the Manzo segment was, "…They seem normal."
The Giudices then takes a visit to the Laurita house, and Teresa says she hopes her brother doesn't believe the crap. While Jacqueline reviles Penny and Johnny too much to take their side in this matter, Chris tells Teresa that she needs to admit to Joe that she fucked up by letting these horrendous human beings into their lives. Juicy has to leave at this point, because he can only listen to this crap for so long before he gets bored. Who knew that Juicy would become one of the more enjoyable cast members this season? If I could muster the energy, it would make me question my entire worldview. Once they're alone, Jacqueline tells Teresa that it really DOES look bad, and suggests that she just be honest if there's any truth to any of the accusations against her. Taking accountability can be a good thing, she says. And then Teresa finally admits that, looking back, she regrets some things she's done. And then she finally admits…that she LISTENED to bad things about Melissa, and kind of enjoyed it. Nice try, kid. Jacqueline seems happy with this confession, though, and tells us that everyone knows that Teresa was probably behind a lot of it, and they can all read between the lines. If Teresa admits something, Joe will feel better. She interviews that her intentions weren't malicious, but everybody "listens to" things they shouldn't "listen to" sometimes. Jacqueline invites Teresa to a BLK tasting the following day, noting that Joe will be there. When the guys come back, Chris mentions Dina, and how he can relate to, when you're mad at someone, wanting to hear bad things about them to help justify your own feelings.
And then we are at the BLK water tasting. Since no one is really interested in drinking water that looks and tastes like tar, they're testing out some new flavors. We have GRN water and RED water and BLU water, one of which is giving Joe Gorga a "dry aftertaste." I repeat: they are drinking WATER. There is also a natural aphrodisiac energy drink inspired by Joe Gorga and called "Love Poison." Caroline tells Melissa to run, while Juicy says that it's a good thing he and Teresa took care of business before they came.
When grossing us out with thoughts of any of these people copulating is through, Teresa grabs Joe for a conversation. She's been thinking about a lot of things after the Posche II event, and wants him to know that she does regret some things she's done. He tells her that none of them are perfect, and it's okay to admit mistakes. And then she admits…that it felt good to hear Penny and Jan and Kim D. say negative things about Melissa that one time they all went out to dinner. At the time, she wasn't so fond of Melissa, and so didn't so much mind everyone spreading nasty accusations about her on camera. Joe seems scandalized by this, and Teresa apologizes for listening to the wrong player. She still insists, however, that she never put them up to anything. Joe is just happy that Teresa admitted wrongdoing in any manner, for the first time in her life. This is enough to give him closure on the situation. Teresa cries as she says that she wants Joe to put his wife and kids before her, but she just loves him and that's it. And then Joe cries, and they hug, and then everyone goes to Sizzle Tans where they get a group discount. Joe is happy that Teresa's tears are genuine, which you can tell because she is seriously ugly-crying, and thinks that her quasi-admission of wrongdoing can take them to a better place.
And then, six months after Hurricane Sandy, the Giudices head back to their shore house. Rebuilding! It's a metaphor! The whole house was gutted and still remains pretty empty, though Joe fixed up the patio, planted flowers, and got a decorative turtle. That is a metaphor too, I think. The kids want to play in the water, and as Juicy fits Milania with a life jacket he says she's getting chubby. She in turn says, "Maybe a girl can have a muffin top!" I love that that was her parting shot. If both Teresa and Juicy go to jail, I feel certain that Milania can support the other girls with her inevitable spin-off. The Giudices are hosting a barbeque, and the rest of the cast shows up. Milania and Antonia head off to critique the dessert selection, while Juicy screams at everyone not to feed the birds. Teresa is happy, though, saying that she never imagined anyone would come to her shore house ever again.
And then it's time to wrap things up. Kathy says it feels good to sit back and enjoy the good part of all the hard work. She's hoping for more love, and less war. It turns out that Kathy is getting a new kitchen…they've started building a new dream home, and she's taking the lead while Rich stays out of the way.
Jacqueline got Nick's diagnosis last year, and looking back can see all the progress he's made. She feels the same way abut this dysfunctional crew, and is grateful that things have changed so much. It's different now, but not bad, and she's enjoying her time with Teresa, which is a New Jersey Miracle. Jacqueline is celebrating an addition to her household -- Ashle(e)(y), who is back in New Jersey before heading to beauty school in L.A. later this year. The family is of course still focused on Nick's recovery.
Caroline says that Sandy was the perfect storm, as was season five of this show. But the rebuild showed that everyone can get together and put the nonsense aside. It's a passionate group of people, she tells us, but no matter how badly they're fighting they'll always be there for each other. We learn that Caroline and Albert have called it quits…on the Hoboken apartment. They're back home with Lauren, Frannie and all the animals, and we'll get to experience their Too Close for Comfort moments in a really boring spin-off.
And then there's Juicy and Teresa. They're both glad that they've managed to be friends with their family members rather than enemies. Juicy doesn't know what the future holds, but says that family is the most important thing and that their "little situation" is nothing. It's so much nothing that we get to have a full hour-long Watch What Happens Live interview with them. In any case, Juicy will not let anybody take him down, even the IRS! Or the federal government. He'll do what he has to do for his family, and will prove himself right on almost everything because that's who he is. And…is it? Anyway, best of luck to those guys. Teresa tells Juicy that he's amazing, and that she loves him.
Cut to Matt Lauer detailing Teresa and Juicy's new fraud charges. And while we don't get all of the details, it is clear that there's lots and LOTS of fraud. Teresa and Juicy have entered a plea of not guilty and if convicted they both face jail time and Juicy may be deported. He's also still awaiting a trial for his DMV arrest. The editors note that Teresa continues to love, love, love, which indicates that they're equal to or more sick of this season than even I am! I would celebrate the end of the season, except we all know that there's a 19-part reunion coming.
week: Reunion part one of infinity! On my birthday, no less.
Potes is also giving up her Hoboken apartment. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.