Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Gorgas and Giudices had a family dinner but neglected to invite their parents in case they wound up killing each other; Teresa and Jacqueline reconciled in the dry Arizona air; Kathy had a "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" moment; and the entire crew agreed to collectively straighten out Penny, or as I like to call her, "…Fucking Penny."
We enter with Teresa, Juicy, and Mama Gorga heading to the showroom for the new Skinny Italian brand foods, or as I like to think they are called: Chef Boyar-dumb. Apparently, buyers from grocery stores can come to this showroom and see samples that are made either with love or with red dye #3… or perhaps a combination of the two. And if you are buying Skinny Italian foods for anything other than ironic purposes, please don't let me know about it. My fragile health can't handle such a matter. Teresa tells her mother, Antonia, that everyone had a great time in Arizona, and things are better between them now. She wants the whole family to get together for lunch, and Antonia talks about how the blood is all the time together.
Joe and his boys then go to see the Lauritas. While the kids play amongst themselves, Joe and Chris have a glass of wine. Jacqueline enters and Chris talks about how BLK water is launching some new flavors (Dirt, Silt, and Gravel, I imagine) and will do a big event called "Knock Out Autism," which involves basketball for some reason. Jacqueline will be giving a speech at the event, and seems quite nervous about it. Part of her nervousness is because she hasn't written any of the speech yet. Chris and Joe joke that she should get advice from Teresa, then laugh because obviously Teresa is an idiot. Jacqueline explains to us that she wants to be more vocal in the autism community, but also doesn't want to be judged for putting her son's autism out there publicly (e.g., for a storyline). Haters are gonna hate, says Jacqueline, and Joe Gorga sure can relate. People are making up all sorts of things about Melissa, he reminds us. But at this point he doesn't care about the BS that's floating about, and also since he blew up in Arizona he's doing just fine with Teresa and Juicy. FOR NOW.
Kathy and Richie then go to see event planner Candace Jarkow. Rich has made a pledge to shut it when it comes to Kathy's business dealings, which begs the question of why he's even there. In any case, Candace has just the thing to take Kathy's cannoli business to the level -- an in-store demonstration at Dylan's Candy Bar, owned by Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph Lauren. I think that place showed up on an episode of Project Runway too. Kathy is thrilled about the opportunity for exposure, and Candace says that if they can get people to the event, the store might carry the cannolis going forward. With an understanding of what's at stake, Kathy says she'll promote the event to all of her friends and family, and Candace looks a wee bit concerned about the "family" part.
Melissa and Joe show up at Rare Steak House where they're meeting Teresa and Antonia. Joe says they haven't had a family lunch in four years, and things are near perfect except for the absence of his father who has kidney stones and/or secretly hates them all and wants nothing to do with them. Juicy shows up, the gang shares a giant seafood appetizer, and Teresa assures Antonia that nothing is going to separate her and her brother now. Joe says that the family has to have unity and beat down the outsiders who try to cause problems for them. Antonia adds that both Teresa and Melissa have long tongues, meaning that they're bitches. In Italian, Teresa says, there's a saying that the tongue doesn't have a bone, but it breaks bones. I think that literally that means some big guy named Jimmy "The Tongue" breaks bones. In any case, Antonia is enjoying the peace in the family, and says she'd like to see them like this all the time. And you know, even though this episode will end with dramatic revelations, every time you see these people on Watch What Happens Live they talk about how much better things are now, so it seems like they've managed to work it out somehow. And with Teresa potentially heading to the clink at any moment, it seems like a good time to let bygones be bygones.
Teresa then goes to Jacqueline's house for the first time since the giant past season confrontation where Caroline showed up like a ghoul carrying iced coffee in the dark of night. Back then they were talking about the possibility of Teresa going to jail, which Teresa said was hogwash. The more things change, eh? Teresa has the girls with her, and Milania wants to see her little cute adorable Nicholas. Nick is in the midst of music therapy with a lady named Jammin' Jen, but the ladies go up to see him anyway and Teresa wishes Juicy was there to learn what frogs do and where.
Speaking of Juicy, he's back at the house, cooking some steaks. Rosie enters, and says she's feeling good after her "equonics" experience. Juicy corrects her that it was actually an ebonics experience, which, oh Lord. Of course she's talking about the divine Wyatt and his intuitive horse, who taught her that she's amazing and whoever doesn't love her can scratch their ass. I feel like Wyatt would endorse that interpretation. Rosie has come around to believing that Juicy has a good heart, and says they get each other, as they are both Geminis. They eat steak, and Rosie wonders if Joe would like a son. He wouldn't mind a little Juicy Junior, and says that he'd consider getting a surrogate. And then he doesn't know if he has eggs or not, and Rosie tells him she's not good at medical stuff, and they high five. In an ideal world, this would disqualify all of them from reproducing.
Back at Jacqueline's, Teresa says that Nicholas seems normal to her, but she knows there are struggles. Jacqueline shares her fear of public speaking, and that Chris has asked her to speak at the BLK event. Teresa volunteers to be her coach / practice audience, and then they brainstorm an opening to the speech. Chris cracks up as he interviews that he appreciates Teresa helping Jacqueline with an intellectual endeavor and then laughs so hard he has to stop and just say, "That's funny." Teresa actually does seem to be helpful in brainstorming potential topics to cover, and Jacqueline jots down some notes. And overall, Teresa is encouraging to Jacqueline, saying that she's conquering a big fear by dong this.
Meanwhile, Melissa and Joe go to the Hotel Gansevoort to meet with music manager Johnny Wright. Apparently he manages Justin Timberlake and others, and wanted to meet her. Which seems quite odd, but I guess you never know. Joe is instantly a goon, and Johnny tries to change the subject, asking Melissa why she wants to do this. She talks about her love and passion for music and then Joe calls her a thoroughbred and Johnny looks confused. He says that some people discover later on in life that they want to be a star, but if they didn't do it when they were young…the implication is that they'll never make it.
When Melissa says she can do it all, including be a great wife and mother as well as a pop star, Johnny tells her that the music industry cares not one bit about her family. All the music cares about is making money from the ass that you shake so well, so he doesn't want to hear that little nippers are sick and she can't make some event or other. Joe says that he understands what Johnny is saying, and they'll do what they have to do. Johnny points out that he's hearing this from Joe but not Melissa, and she admits that there's a fine line between making sacrifices for your passion and being a negligent parent. Johnny adds that a lot of Melissa's music has to do with the clubs, but her songs should represent her actual life. He's got a new producer with a record that will be sent to Melissa so they can cut it in her studio. This can only mean…new Housewives single! Though the Melissa Gorga singles are actually blandly decent enough that they don't give me the same thrill as when I hear the likes of, "Ladies and gentleman, this is the Countess speaking. We have arrived."
It's then the day of Kathy's big event, and her mother Maria shows up. Kathy is hoarse in the voice, and the rest of her family has conveniently disappeared. She explains that if this event goes well, she might have opportunity to branch out to L.A. and Miami. As she curls her mom's hair, she says she called Melissa and Teresa asking them to come. Richie shows up with flowers, then Kathy gives him a whole bunch of orders. He drops her business cards on the floor, and Kathy freaks out. Victoria finally shows up, and Kathy gives her a few orders too. In this moment, she's pretty upset about the fact that her family is useless at best.
Producer and songwriter Justin Thorne and his entourage, which includes Johnny, who then show up at Melissa's house to record the aforementioned new song in her home studio. Johnny is unimpressed that she still needs the words to her songs, but she explains to us that she just got the song the day. Melissa is quite nervous, and Johnny pulls her off for a heart to heart. He wants her to go to his compound in Atlanta, which is a lot of time that she'd have to spend but worth it if she wants to get her vocals on par for the new song.
Kathy and family make it to Dylan's Candy Bar, and Candace is on hand to help them. Kathy is surprised that none of her extended family is there yet. We cut to Caroline's house, where she's on the couch with a migraine. She says she's disappointed that she can't attend the event at Dylan's Candy Bar, but is clearly far too ill. There's a lot of foot traffic at Dylan's, and folks have lined up to learn how to use a cannoli kit, but conspicuously absent are Kathy's family and friends. Given how those goons act in public, I think it's probably all for the best. Jacqueline and Chris show up first, and with a mouth full of frosting Jacqueline laughs that no one cares what Kathy does. Then it's dark, and finally Melissa and the kids arrive, then Rosie, then Teresa and her brood. In an interview, Teresa acknowledges that the cannolis are edible. Wow, how generous. Overall, though, the event was quite a success, and Kathy's hopes are high that the store will carry the kits.
With that, Chris, Jacqueline, Teresa and the kids head off to the autism event. Jacqueline says that this is the year where she's trying to face all of her fears, and get over things that hold her back from doing what she wants to do. (Like neck fat). I also sort of gather from context clues that this is the year where she is highly medicated. Cut to the BLK Knockout Autism event, where there are basketball hoops galore. Caroline shows up, much recovered from her worst-ever migraine. Kids run around and play basketball, while Lauren face-plants. Jacqueline, meanwhile, goes over her speech and feels nervous. She's worried about people judging her, which is the right instinct given that people are actually recapping this event with snarky intent. Chris gives her some loving encouragement, and she cries just before she goes on stage, saying that she's scared. When she goes on, she's shaky at the start, but recovers nicely and brings tears to many a mascara-caked eye. Jacqueline cries as she recounts how Nicholas stopped saying "I love you," then started again. She gets through the rest of the speech with relative confidence. She tells us that she wants to share her journey with others, as others have shared theirs with her, and hopes it can be helpful to people. Teresa has a soft spot for Nicholas, and says that if Jacqueline calls, she'll jump for Nicholas. She'll also wear bedazzled Milania hair care caps to events designed to raise autism awareness, because she is all about the cause.
Then we're at dinner with Joe and Melissa, where she drops the news about music manager Johnny's Florida compound. Joe seems shocked that Johnny suggested Melissa work with a vocal coach, but to her credit she recognizes that she could use some help. And then who should Melissa spy at the bar but Penny. QUELLE COINCIDENCE! Melissa heads to the "bathroom," and en route stops to see Penny, who is conveniently already miked. The last time Melissa saw Penny, she says, it seemed like she had some stuff she wasn't spilling. And so she's going to take this rare Teresa-free opportunity to get to the bottom of the matter. Joe spies what's going on and heads over, glass of wine in hand. Penny allows him to join them, on the condition that he doesn't go crazy and get his spray-on hair all over her dress.
Joe acts directly who's behind the cheating rumors, and Penny says she was asked by someone. The question is, of course, "By whom?" Penny says it wasn't Jan, and it wasn't Kim D. So who was it? Penny says, "It was your sister." Aw, shit. Penny claims that Teresa asked if she knew who [redacted] was, and then asked Penny to confront Joe about it. [Redacted] is apparently Melissa's ex. Joe asks why, and Penny says she doesn't know. Well, bitch, ask a few questions before you go spreading all the rumors at someone's behest. Penny then says that Teresa's claims that she and Penny don't know each other and aren't at all friends are lies, too. She offers to show that she has Teresa's house number and cell number in her phone, saying that she's not going to take the bullet for everything. Someone named Johnny the Greek, who is Penny's husband and I guess also a prolific tweeter, also has messages from Teresa. Apparently Johnny the Greek has been abusing Melissa hard on Twitter, and she didn't know why. But now the genius behind this evil scheme is becoming apparent. Penny says that Teresa invites her to places -- she doesn't just show up randomly like Teresa claims. Johnny the Greek has also gotten Teresa gigs.
Joe says that normally he wouldn't take a train wreck like Penny seriously, but in this case she knows too much. "That's the type of person who will go and do someone's dirty work," he says, "A woman that looks like that." The thing that all these women who look like that also don't recognize is that showing up at opportune moments with long, scraggly hair extensions and a bit of salacious news is not going to make them full-time cast members on this show. Melissa says that Teresa was wrong for what she did, but Penny was also wrong for getting in the middle of the family. Penny then says that Joe and Johnny the Greek need to have a tete-a-tete, to what end I don't know, and says that recently Teresa told her to squash it. And with that, Joe has heard enough and takes Melissa home.
week: you do not seriously mean to tell me that we're going to have to live through a Posche II fashion show?
Potes is darkening her insides even further with a nice refreshing silt-flavored glass of BLK. Tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com to share your love of dirty water.