Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Fucking Penny ruined everything, including my retinas. Teresa tried really hard to make herself look innocent of any involvement in Melissa Gorga infidelity-gate 2013, which only made her look guiltier. And Wyatt the equine therapist was a genius among humans and horses, getting Juicy to admit he's afraid of going to the clink with a mere squint of his craggly yet kind eyes.
We enter at the Miraval Resort, where the cast members seem generally amiable on the last night of their trip. Jacqueline is enjoying being around a nominally bearable Teresa, and says that even though Tre did her dirty in the past, she really wants to focus on moving forward. Caroline decides to interrupt this lovely peaceful moment by saying that they've all been in the position to raise their glasses and celebrate friends and family before, then screamed at one another on various reunion shows and made Andy Cohen concerned for his physical well being in the process. She suggests that anyone who has anything left to say do so now, so that their heart is clean. I thought their hearts were always covered in red sauce?
Never one to forego drama, Joe Gorga says that he's not happy with Teresa, bringing up the Penny situation and the allegations of infidelity on Melissa's part. He wonders why they have enemies who they don't even know saying stuff about them that was unknown to the public. Teresa wonders if Joe is alleging that she was telling his secrets, and he affirms that he is indeed accusing her of that very thing. Once again Teresa insists that she has nothing to do with the whole thing, and Juicy jumps in to say that Teresa wouldn't try to hurt Joe in a million years. Joe wants to put the Penny thing to an end, Teresa yells that she isn't going to give Penny the attention, and then Joe throws a glass against the wall. How's that for a clean heart?
The screen then goes black and reads, "12 hours earlier…" As it happens, 12 hours ago it was Melissa's birthday morning and Joe was trying to hump her, just like any other morning. Teresa walks in on Joe massaging Melissa's feet and her saying that she likes to have her toes sucked. I included all that in case you haven't vomited yet today. If that didn't do it, I am here to tell you that Teresa gives Melissa a pair of lacy black panties with a peace sign on them as a birthday gift. Melissa seems as puzzled about that as we are. Teresa talks to Melissa and Joe about beginning to really make amends with Jacqueline, and Melissa hopes this new trend of openness and honesty might lead to Teresa coming clean about her part in the cheating rumors. And then they can all move on, which they are clearly so great at doing.
Meanwhile, the Wakiles and Rosie are taking a walk, and Rosie says she's all fucked up today from the horse therapy. It started her thinking, which Kathy notes is not necessarily a bad thing, considering how Rosie usually foregoes thinking and heads straight to rage and table-pounding. Kathy brings up how Rosie addressed the others at the Native American drumming session to complain that, much like her eyeball twin Rodney Dangerfield, Kathy gets no respect. Kathy tells us that because Rosie always sticks up for her, people think that she can't take care of herself, and if something were bothering her she would have said so. She knows it's out of love, though. When Rich gives Kathy a peck before running off to the pool, Rosie starts freaking out again about how she's alone. All she wants is love! And that's why she gets angry when people pass over Kathy, because she can relate. In her momentary rage, Rosie throws her water bottle. Kathy picks it up because she hates littering, and then both women go off to do a shot of tequila.
Caroline and Al then go off to get a massage. Caroline talks about how the time with Wyatt was the best yet, and we're reminded that he and Al had a real connection, which is rare for Al. Al says that if there hadn't been a crowd there, he would have clarified the abuse issue a bit more. His father disciplined him severely, but Al says that he doesn't look back on it with anger since it worked. He adds that in raising the younger Manzos, he took the best of how he was raised and used it as best he could. He doesn't feel like his job is done, especially given all of their kids' wack business ventures. But Caroline likes that their kids have balls, and says that Al will kill himself worrying about them. Al often says that he can't retire until his children are stable financially, but Caroline is okay with seeing them struggle if it means that Al can enjoy himself a little. I think maybe he's forgotten how, though?
While the rest of the Jersey men terrorize other Miraval guests at the pool, the ladies go for a "Zennis Tennis" lesson. The first thing their instructor Leigh Weinraub tells them is, "Fuck shame." Teresa looks VERY confused. Leigh adds to check your ego at the gate, both in tennis and in life. In turn, Teresa does some push-ups on court. Kathy and Rosie are very glad that they did shots before coming to this, I bet. Back at the pool, Joe Gorga tells Juicy that he loves him, even though at one time he really hated him a lot. But now, he says, everybody can see that Juicy is a good guy. Juicy replies, "That was nice, Joe." It was, actually. Joe explains to us that Juicy dropped his arrogance, and even got sentimental with the horse. And then Joe says that from now on he'll be the horse. I…don’t really know what that means. I'm sure it has some inappropriate underlying sexual insinuation, though.
In the massage room, Caroline notes that the men told their truth on this trip, but neither Teresa nor Melissa wanted to address the truth of their relationship, which is the thing that needs to be told. She thinks they're harboring a lot of anger, but won't talk about it. Wow, how intuitive she is. I'm sure no one else picked that up. To demonstrate the simmering anger, we briefly see Teresa and Melissa taking the "Zen" out of "Zennis," which is actually not a real word or thing to begin with, so is an annoying barometer. Caroline thinks that neither one of them wants to be the one to start an argument, but that’s the only way that they'll be able to heal. Or they could just smash each others' heads in with their Zennis rackets, which seems way more likely. Caroline is committed to them not leaving Miraval without some sort of explosive drama. Do you think Andy Cohen gives her a bonus for that? $5,000 for every vein that pops out of Joe Gorga's head!
And then it's time for some crazy sort of trust game apparatus with Challenge Course Leader Conor Elridge. The cast will be doing some high wire partner activities, which will involve harnesses that Juicy thinks look like "SMD" gear. Well, at least we know Juicy and Teresa aren't whipping each other. We are reminded that Caroline is no fan of heights, which I guess means she's sitting this one out (just like whichever contestant has a knee injury on The Biggest Loser!). Conor points out the thin cables above, which teams of two will have to cross using major teamwork. Rosie, being the only one in the group with true critical thinking skills, says this is not about the goddamn wire. It's about working together, holding each other up, and moving forward. What's the worst thing that can happen, she asks, answering her own question by saying, "We fall." Into a fiery pit leading to middle earth, after which the ground immediately closes and daisies start to grow, making the spot indistinguishable to passersby or rescue workers. Actually, that might be the best thing that can happen, for greater humanity.
Teresa and Joe are first on the high wire. Melissa heckles Teresa from down below, which is tough talk from someone in a fringed aqua blue tube top. They both have to climb up a pole and while Joe is a natural lumberjack, Teresa seems awfully scared. Joe is quite a champ in this situation, telling Teresa to lean into him and trying to allay her fears. On the ground, Richie wishes he had a paintball gun. "Paintball." Conor basically tells them to move along. Joe interviews that it's very difficult for Teresa to let her guard down and feel vulnerable since her whole life is a facade. This is how their parents taught her, but Joe says that if she'd open up and be real, he'd respect her much more. Teresa eventually leans on Joe, and the two start to make their way across the wire. They take a few steps before falling, which is something.
Kathy and Rich go , without much success but with great hilarity. Chris and Al give it a try and fall pretty quickly too. Juicy and Rosie shit their pants in Italian. Teresa then yells that she wants Melissa to do it. Melissa shrugs her shoulders, but asks Conor to harness her up. Teresa volunteers to be her partner (I'm sure with some prompting by producers) and asks if Melissa trusts her. Melissa says, "I trust you today," which I think is actually a lie. Conor tells the two women to focus on the moment and their partnership as Teresa, a one-time unsuccessful veteran of this exercise, doles out advice. The women shake a bit on the high wire, and Teresa says that after this they're never fighting again. Until tonight!
While Teresa and Melissa are on the wire, Joe checks Twitter to find more nastiness from Penny-Jan. He feels like the whole situation is never going to end. Teresa and Melissa make it about a third of the way across the wire, which is pretty good. Conor says that they had good communication, but leaning on each other caused them to fall because it takes more commitment to support each other. I am not sure what exactly that means, but Caroline tells discounts Teresa's claim that they'll never fight again by saying that they'd have to be on a high wire for the rest of their lives for that to happen.
And then it's time for the group dinner of horrors. Everyone else seems to be ready and gathered while Melissa takes her time spackling on makeup and hearing from Joe about nefarious tweets. Melissa tells Joe not to stress about it and to move on, but he really wants Teresa to own up to her involvement in the whole thing. Melissa says that unless Teresa is going to do some confessionalizing full force, she doesn't need it. As the group debates whether they have flowers or cakes on their table, Melissa enters in a sequined miniscule birthday romper. Teresa gives a judgey look, forgetting that we've seen her chuckalina full of sparkles.
Over dinner, there are some words about the Zennis match, then talk turns to how the only horse leg that Melissa moved during her session with Wyatt was the "middle one." Melissa notes that the horse saved his true boner for Joe. With the topic of boners opened up, Juicy shares a charming story about how his father's dick had a stroke and got crooked, and his mother likes it better now because it's bigger. Jacqueline actually is into the crooked dick story, and says she really likes the Juicy on this trip. Though that story is giving me nightmares while I'm still awake, I have to say that I do too. Like all of them, when he's not being completely horrible he's kind of fun.
Richie asks Melissa what her birthday wish is. She refuses to talk about it at the table, but tells us in an interview that she just wants all the rumors and nasty tweets to stop. Melissa then makes some birthday remarks, in which she mentions her new friends (the Manzos and Lauritas) who are starting to feel like old, good friends; Kathy, whom she appreciates; Richie, who is great with her kids; the two Joes for bonding; and Rosie, because everyone is in love with her. Conspicuously absent from this lovefest is any mention of Teresa. Caroline looks like she can't even believe this shit. She tells us that she doesn't know if the snub was deliberate (DUH), but it confirms that nothing is resolved between these assholes. If only Wyatt were here to witness this whore-on-a-stroll moment and shake his cowboy-hatted head in disgust while asking an insightful question.
After dinner, champagne is poured. Juicy gives a charming little toast, and Chris remarks upon the fact that many former factions in the room are now at least communicating. Teresa claims to feel Zen, which makes Juicy tell her to shut up and Caroline look disturbed. And that's when we catch up with the beginning of the episode, when Caroline noted that they've all been in this laughing together situation before, then hated each other after. Everyone in the room looks like, "Oh, fuck. Can't we have just ONE nice vacation?" Anyway: clean hearts. Caroline is fine being the blower of the Zen moment, because she just can't take it anymore.
Joe Gorga begins by saying he used to hate Juicy, but was able to admit that and now things are better. It's better to admit things, he reiterates, turning to Teresa and saying that he knows she didn't like Melissa, and also the whole Penny-Jan thing. Joe says that he believes Teresa played a role in it, claiming not to care anymore. Teresa says that Penny started hanging out with Jan, and now talks to a lot of people that Melissa knows. She says again that she never gave Penny any information. Melissa says that Joe isn't talking just about Penny, but the whole damn situation. Teresa again says that she was never a part of it, and wants to drop it. Richie interjects to say that they're not resolving anything by dropping it. Caroline mutters to Kathy and Rosie that the Gorgas have to get their stuff out, otherwise it's never going to go away. Kathy cosigns that she wants them to get it out and get it over with.
Joe notes the awkward staged-seeming manner in which Teresa asked Penny to confirm that she had no involvement in the mess. He says that it's okay if she did it, or even had just a little involvement, but it's better to admit it. Teresa says that she's not admitting to something she didn't do, and Melissa suggests that maybe she merely had a supporting role. Teresa says yet again that she didn't have any part in it, check her out. The siblings start bickering, and Caroline tells both of them that they can't walk out of Arizona feeling like this. Melissa then accuses anyone who thinks that Teresa might admit something of losing their minds. Furthermore, she wants to focus on making Penny stop the insanity.
Juicy says that Teresa would never hurt Joe, and Joe says that they should then straighten Penny out and put her to an end. Jacqueline is all, "What happened to the trust rope benefits?" Juicy drunkenly tells Joe to forget about the idiot Penny, but Joe notes that if the remarks were about his wife, Juicy wouldn't be so calm. Actually, I think he would give the same less-than-two-shits that he's giving now. Rosie, however, wouldn't stand for it. I think this makes her once again melancholy that she doesn't have a girlfriend, and/or everyone is completely shitfaced. Joe argues that he wants to string Penny out, and Teresa counters that she doesn't want to give her any more attention. Then Joe yells that he wants to just end it, and throws a glass against the wall. And THEN Melissa walks up to Joe muttering, "You are so embarrassing. Get in the room. Get in the room. Get in the room you idiot." That's almost as good as the spray-on hair revelation! Teresa notes that a piece of glass almost went in her eye, but nobody seems to care. Meanwhile, Melissa wonders what's wrong with her idiot husband who loses control like a psycho. In an interview, she says that he wasn't right for throwing the glass, but his heart is ten times bigger than his temper. She claims to have a soft spot when he does things like that, which she expresses by calling him an embarrassing idiot. People have all sorts of terms of endearment these days.
Caroline weighs in to tell Teresa that Joe is in pain because he feels like she's part of this situation. Teresa argues that she's not fucking part of it, and Caroline says that the way to prove it is to unite with him against the horrendous Penny-monster. Kathy interjects to say that the way to better all this is for Teresa and Joe to unite and send a message to tell Penny to stay the fuck out of their family. And then everybody else can stop listening to this stupid shit, hopefully including us. She suggests that they stop listening to outsiders who are trying to break the family apart. Caroline agrees that sticking together and putting Penny in her place is a good way to proceed. Juicy weighs in to say that he's with Joe, and Teresa sort of half-heartedly agrees to help in the effort to straighten Penny out. Does this mean we're going to have to see Penny again? Ugggggh.
Caroline orders Joe to hug Teresa, then says that this is over. Melissa commends herself for letting this situation go, and says it feels good to be on the same team. Teresa makes Joe promise that there won't be any violence, even though I think every single viewer of this show would feel all right about a Penny or especially Kim D. beatdown. Al then gives an impassioned endorsement of the Gorga siblings jointly confronting the garbage people who would tear them asunder, saying that they will then be as they were growing up in the old neighborhood -- united and unbreakable. Get it done, he orders! And then they an have a celebratory banquet at the Brownstone, during which they'll start arguing about some other stupid thing and not speak to each other for eight months. Victory.
week: Nobody comes to the opening of Kathy's cannoli kit. Jacqueline has stage fright. And Penny is ready to come clean.
Potes is feeling tendons. Tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com for further emotional developments.