Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Joe Gorga had the genius idea to take the whole cast on a spa trip to Arizona, so that they could terrorize a new state. There was a cleansing ceremony in which Al opted out, and a medium put Kathy back in touch with her dead father. Melissa and Jacqueline were willing to give Teresa another chance but remained suspicious of her, and when Teresa made a casual comment about karma coming back on her kids Jacqueline found herself simmering with yet another bout of barely suppressed rage.
We enter with shots of prickly cacti, and Melissa saying to Joe that she's starting to feel a little bit better. But she doesn't want any woo-woo ceremonies. Rather, she's down for a cocktail by the pool. Enough with the healing already! Let's get drunk and fight like we always do! Meanwhile, Jacqueline and Chris have breakfast on their own, and Jacqueline talks about how Teresa is being suspiciously nice. She then recounts the comment about how if karma doesn't come back to you for the nasty things you do, it's going to come back to your kids. Chris gets an edge to his voice as he wonders if Teresa is referring to Nick, which would of course be a horrendously shitty thing to do. He interviews that he's not sure if Teresa is being malicious or if she's just a dumb-ass ignoramus. I'd guess a little of column A, a little of column B. Then Teresa sneaks up on them, as does Joe Gorga. They're off to do "something with horses." BOY ARE THEY EVER.
Cut to Purple Sage Ranch, which I can tell by the name is run by too many fucking hippies. Rich says that it smells refreshing as Juicy says it smells like shit, proving that one man's shit is another man's sarcasm. The crew meets cowboy-hatted horse guy Wyatt Webb, whose official title is "equine therapist." He quickly tells them that they're not putting their stocky thumb bodies on any of his horses today. The horses whinny a thank you. The Jersey-ites don't know what they're in for, but Chris volunteers first to do whatever they're doing. In this case, it has something to do with the horse's feet, and he's going to have to clean out the hoof. Juicy instantly says he's not doing that, and Teresa notes that animals can turn on you. If I were a horse, I sure would give these degenerates at least one swift kick, on behalf of the universe. Wyatt explains that none of what they are doing has anything to do with the horse -- he's just a helper. But he responds to one thing -- authenticity. And when you're less than authentic, he can pick it up. So…what does that even mean? Wyatt explains. Kind of. Energy is the horse's language, and because Chris came to him unguarded, he could clean the hoof with no problem. What? It kind of makes no sense, but Wyatt is very convincing about it all.
Caroline is really into this exercise, for energy reasons and equine reasons. Richie seems less so, saying aloud that Wyatt is a genius for getting people to come and pay to clean his horses. Wyatt gives him major stinkeye and probably gives the horse a secret signal for a kick in the nuts. Jacqueline says apologetically that Rich is a smart ass and Wyatt doesn't miss a beat in saying, "That's all right. That's how he gets through life. He creates jokes so he don't have to pay attention to what he feels." OOOOOH, BURRRRRRRNNNN! So, Wyatt is my hero, and I decree that in the movie version of this episode he'll be played by Kris Kristofferson. Rosie tells us it's apparent that Wyatt pulls no punches and takes no bullshit. She's a little nervous. Frankly, I don't think she's the one who needs to worry.
Rosie volunteers to go , and Wyatt asks what her story is. She tries to claim that she has no story, but of course she does, and Wyatt asks what she's thinking and feeling. Rosie admits to being uncomfortable and anxious, and Wyatt asks what the worst thing is that could happen. When Rosie says the horse might not lift his leg, Wyatt asks what that might say about her. She's worried that she might have the touch, and Wyatt wonders if she thinks that means she's not good enough. Rosie twitches her mouth a lot and gets a little teary, and Wyatt asks her to let the emotion come out. She cries as she says that most of the time she doesn't feel good enough, and has felt like that for most of her life. Wyatt wants her to acknowledge that she always has been good enough, and says that the horse doesn't care what her title is or whether she's awkward trying to pick up girls at bars. He guesses that the horse will magically pick up on her honesty and cooperate. Rosie interviews that she comes from a big Italian family where everyone gets married and has kids, and she wonders if she isn't worthy of a little happiness. Can someone out there please go be Rosie's girlfriend? Just forget about the familial context. Maybe try long-distance? She seems like she'd be a delightful partner and very attentive. Anyway, the horse totally lets Rosie clean its hoof no problem, and she gets a big smile that is pleasing to Wyatt.
Melissa is up, and says she's anxious. Wyatt asks what the worst thing that could happen is and Melissa goes, "Pees on me?" I don't think Wyatt is charmed by her short shorts and fedora one little bit. Melissa sort of curtsies in front of the horse and goes to grab its foreleg. Nothing happens. Wyatt asks, "What are you feeling?" Melissa says, "Tendons." And then I actually die from laughter. But wait! It gets better! Melissa reapproaches the horse, saying she's doing her "Rosie walk." Rosie mutters, "That ain't my walk." And then Wyatt pipes in to say, "That's that whore-on-a-stroll walk." I SHIT YOU NOT! Wyatt just read her to filth, you guys. Juicy thinks it's quite amusing, and he's right.
Wyatt asks if Melissa meets the needs of others before her own, and she says sometimes she does. He wonders if she ever gets resentful when people don't appreciate how much effort she puts in being nice to them, and she admits that she does. With, for example, Teresa. Melissa interviews that she constantly tries to "wipe the slape clean" with Teresa, but she isn't appreciated for it. Wyatt then tells her that there's a difference between being nice and being manipulative, and Juicy cackles. And I mean…BURN, PART DEUX!!!! Wyatt says any time he's doing something for somebody else with a hoped-for outcome, he's running a game. Melissa looks less than happy with this assessment, and blinks a lot. You guys, Wyatt is the best. Can we PLEASE make him a housewife in season six? He's way better than any of the Kims and/or the Penny/Jan people. And how do you think he would feel about Dr. V.? There are so many things I want to know about Wyatt, including his favorite locale for going on a whore-on-a-stroll walk.
Melissa still can't get the horse to lift its foot, and Joe tries to give her some pointers. Wyatt then goes over to Joe, noting that intervening on somebody else's discomfort isn't always a good thing to do, because if you cheat around something you don't learn. Melissa is NOT feeling this whole exercise. Wyatt notes that there's a whole bunch of people that she could ask for help. So who is she going to ask? Joe, of course. But he's a little scared of the horse. So who can help Joe and Melissa? Why Teresa, of course. And really, why not ask somebody who's already gotten the horse to lift his leg? Maybe this is also a basic intelligence test. Wyatt gets Teresa closer to the horse, but at the last minute she runs away saying she can't do it. Melissa gets permission to sit down, and Teresa and Joe go with her. Caroline is amazed that these morons didn't get the point of the exercise, and didn't open up. It's about challenging yourself in front of other people, she says, and that's something that they can't do. It's very telling. And unsurprising, as we already knew that they are emotionally retarded human beings. As far as human decency on this show, so far the only sure things we have are Chris and Rosie.
Kathy and Richie get a turn , and you may be surprised to know that Richie does not have much luck getting the horse to lift his leg. Meanwhile, Juicy wanders off to take a call. At first it sounds like it's another call with a sketchy "contractor," but in fact it's the kids. Teresa joins him to talk to Milania, who no doubt has some choice words about horse poop. Meanwhile, Richie is getting aggravated. Wyatt asks what he does when he gets aggravated and Kathy says that he screams, and she gets the brunt of it. Wyatt notes that getting to the shouting stage pretty quick is called rage. "I see," says Richie. Wyatt then asks what Kathy does when she gets angry. She says she holds it in, and it comes out in tears. Kathy tells us that Rich doesn't listen to her, and she wishes things could be different. Wyatt gives Kathy the shoe cleaning pick and sends her off to the horse, who lifts no problem. Add Kathy to the decent list, which is no real surprise.
While Teresa complains about her smeared makeup, Wyatt asks Kathy what she's feeling. Being on the decent list, she does not answer, "Tendons." She says that she feels proud, and Wyatt says you'd never know it by looking at her. He feels sad that she can't celebrate being able to do something that others couldn't. Richie hugs her, and Wyatt asks if he's learned anything watching Kathy. Richie says that just because she implodes instead of explodes 99% of the time, it doesn't mean she's okay. Wyatt is impressed that Richie heard her, but Richie doesn't seem thrilled in an interview when he says that all of a sudden he's the bad guy in her life.
Wyatt then asks Juicy and Teresa to put their phones away and get what they can out of the process instead of being distracted. They're all, "Blah blah blah kids," but Wyatt does not give a shit. Would you not love to see a Wyatt versus Milania showdown? Jacqueline is up , and she says she's nervous and wants to cry. Wyatt says that he cries when he's sad or hurt, and Jacqueline says she's not sure why she feels like this. It's because she's an emotional wreck all the time! Teresa yells instructions, which is hilarious since she ran away from the horse. I'm surprised Wyatt doesn't tell her to shut it. Jacqueline gets to clean the hoof, and Wyatt encourages her to let the tears come. Teresa offers a hug, which Jacqueline accepts. Chris interviews that the caring side of Teresa is emerging, which is the side that both he and Jacqueline love.
And then it's Juicy's turn. Teresa pipes in to say that he's nervous, and Wyatt asks if she'd please let him do his job, e.g., shut the fuck up. Juicy says he's tired and hung over, and Wyatt hands him the shoe cleaning thing. The horse actually physically recoils and Juicy laughs. Wyatt wonders what Juicy's story is about why the horse moved, and asks what he's been scared of up unto this point. Juicy starts saying that everybody has a fear of something, and Wyatt wonders what the scariest thing for him has been. Juicy says that he and horses don't get along too well, and Wyatt wants him to think about his greatest fear in life aside from the horse. Juicy says he's dealing with "a little motor vehicle…y'know, issue." Wyatt is all like, "Is the DMV that bad?" and we are reminded about the possibility that Juicy might go to jail for drivers' license fraud. This was filmed before we knew about all the other things he could possibly go to jail for! Wyatt wonders if Juicy is afraid of losing what he's accomplished, and he admits that he is. Joe is shocked that Juicy brought up the legal issues, and theorizes that reality is setting in. It's a big step. Wyatt wonders if Juicy has a fear of rejection and being alone and he says, "A little bit." If you acknowledge your fear, says Wyatt, it stops having power over you. Juicy sort of grunts in response. Nonetheless, Caroline tells us that Juicy blew her mind to the extent that she wanted to hug him. Juicy then tries to clean the hoof, with success! Happiness abounds.
And then it's time for Caroline and Al. Wyatt asks if they agree that our culture focuses externally at the cost of not having relationships with ourselves. He asks Al to say one thing about himself that's extremely awesome. Can you guys believe that Wyatt just said awesome? Anyway, Al says that he's done well, and overcome adversity. Wyatt looks into Al's eyes and feels a kinship, and thinks he knows what's behind them. And then he asks if Al was abused. He quickly says, "I'm not talking about…" which I guess means sexual abuse. He means emotionally. Al responds by saying, "Some people would say so… Clinically I would say yes." And then a few tears fall. Caroline tells us that Al had a rough childhood with a strict, demanding father who was sometimes extreme in the things he did. She's surprised that Al opened up to Wyatt. It's the crinkly eyes! Caroline tells Wyatt that Al is her heart and when he's sad she could die. Wyatt thinks that's a thing of beauty. Caroline cleans the hoof with no problem, as does Al. Wyatt says that it was so easy because both Caroline and Al are in touch with their emotional body, and are not guarded at all. Chris tells us that it was great to see Albert open up, which is a very rare thing.
Wyatt asks the group to name one thing they'll take with them. Melissa says, "That I can't lift a horse's leg." So, clearly, this exercise has affected her deeply. Wyatt tells them that the more vulnerable they can be, the better, every time. That's the point. He thanks them, with his crinkly-eyed tough guy stance, and then sings a verse of "Sunday Morning Coming Down" for good measure. Wyatt for president!
Back at the villa, Richie talks to Kathy about how Juicy has finally admitted he's afraid of going to jail. She wants Teresa and Juicy to know that they're there for them, but first they have to open the door. She also notes that she wanted to be there for everyone else's turn with the horse, but Teresa and Juicy were distracted. Meanwhile, Joe asks Teresa and Melissa what they thought of the day. Teresa unsurprisingly didn't get it. Joe says that it didn't help him personally, but he liked how Wyatt was able to ferret out weakness. Teresa says she doesn't have insecurities or weakness. After all, she's just Teresa! Kathy, meanwhile, tells Rich that the exercise was about being more open, since showing vulnerability allows you to better connect to others. Richie admits that he's guarded and Kathy adds that jokes are his defense mechanism. But he wants to work on the issues that Kathy talked about. In emotional dysfunction counterpoint, Teresa talks about how the exercise was good for people with issues or insecurities. Her problem was that she's just scared of horses. Riiiiiiiight. Melissa's thing is that Wyatt only knew them for three seconds, so how can he know anything about them? Well, I mean, he did peg her with whore-on-a-stroll. Caroline opines in an interview that Melissa and Teresa are the same person -- they're superficial, and they can't open up. Also they're completely vapid and also tacky. The hairlines are really different though. Both of them can't wait to go get a salt scrub or something.
Chris and Jacqueline talk about the experience, and he asks why she was crying. Jacqueline says she was afraid that the horse would hurt her, which is akin to "tendons" as a response. Chris wonders if there's something deeper, emotionally. He wonders if Teresa is a metaphorical kicking horse in her life. He thinks that Jacqueline cares about Teresa and wants a deeper connection, and yet is afraid to get close. Well, just try squeezing her calf and see what happens. Chris encourages Jacqueline to try and find out if Teresa is a real friend, saying that like a horse she'll sense if Jacqueline is open and will reciprocate. If not, Jacqueline has got the wrong horse.
We then get an interlude involving the gang, Wyatt, and the horse's penis. Wyatt notes that he's never seen so many dick-focused people in his life and Rosie actually says, "Stick around." I would love to read what Wyatt wrote in his diary the night after this particular therapy session.
Then it's evening, and Juicy is in the hot tub and comparing himself to macaroni. Teresa comes out in her chuckalina full of sparkles swimsuit, which Juicy either likes or is disgusted by, or maybe a little of both. He says that he's had so much therapy, he won't need therapy for the rest of his life. Riiiiiiight. He says that he could care less about picking up a horse's foot, but he did it, but also the horse was maybe psychic. At least I think that's what he's talking about? Teresa says it was big of Juicy to talk about his fear in front of everyone. He admits that it's always there, and he was relieved to let it out. He says he's not a criminal and never killed anybody, and doesn't belong in prison, and doesn't want to go to prison. They'll see what happens he says, and when it's over it's over. Except for when the federal indictment comes rolling in! Juicy and Teresa think that it's in God's hands. Maybe He can be swayed with a few Sizzle Tans discount coupons? Juicy says that the last thing he wants is to be away from Teresa and the kids, especially the kids, since they keep him going every day. Everything else is bullshit, he says. Teresa lays it on a little thick as she says that Juicy is an amazing man and father, adding that they're a team and will get through this together, in matching orange jumpsuits. The scene ends with a touching, "Let's get the fuck out of here."
Oh boy, and then it's time for some Native American drumming. Tony Redhouse is their guide, and says that Native Americans sing meaningful things from deep within and drumming is a strong force. Kathy asks if he's Navajo, which he is. Tony starts them with a drum heartbeat, and pretty much everyone looks absolutely over it. When they're done drumming, Joe asks how everyone is liking the vacation. Teresa says she doesn't want to cry anymore, while someone pipes in, "I liked the cowboy today." Cowboys and Indians therapy tour!
Rosie then has something to say. She feels that when Kathy was up with the horse, she didn't get the support she deserved. Teresa and Juicy were off talking to their kids, of course. Maybe the others just weren't paying attention. Kathy is a little peeved that Rosie brought this up, saying that she can handle her own shit. She tells the others that she approaches everything with an open heart. She's ready to be there for the others, and it would be nice if she felt the same thing in return. Teresa explains to us that Kathy is having one of her, "Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!" moments, and tells Kathy that if her daughter calls, she's answering. Richie then talks about how Wyatt looked like Kenny Rogers and Juicy laughs, but Richie says that Wyatt was the real deal and is the first person to get Juicy to admit to being afraid. Juicy notes that all tough guys have a little fear in them. Richie interviews that he doesn't want Juicy to go to jail. I have to say, I'm warming a little to Juicy too, especially when he says that every guy cries in his life. When he's not vile and repulsive, he's actually a little bit charming.
Later, Juicy wants to play horse and psychiatrist with Caroline. He'll play the horse! Juicy gets down on all fours, and then Joe mounts him. Of course. Teresa has no time for these shenanigans, as she and Jacqueline are going to do a burning ceremony at the fire pit. She wants Jacqueline to talk about the things in their relationship that are still bothering her, so henceforth they never have to talk about them again. Jacqueline brings up the karma comment, and Teresa says she was talking about herself only, in the context of never wanting to hurt Jacqueline. The two ladies talk about missing each other, and then Teresa uses a trick she learned from Wyatt and asks Jacqueline what she's afraid of. Jacqueline is worried about disappointing Teresa, which is really odd. Teresa says she wants to be there more for Jacqueline, and give her more attention. Jacqueline brings up the Teresa/horse metaphor, then scrapes her shoe. This is all going to end in horrors, right?
week: high wire trust exercises featuring Teresa and Melissa. Melissa's birthday. People shouting and throwing glassware. Where's Wyatt when you need him?
Potes is feeling tendons. Tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com for further emotional developments.