Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Caroline posited that Al sacrificed his whole life for work, which was obviously his master plan to have the benefits of a wife and kids without all of the practical annoyance. Well played, sir. Kathy was sick of Richie making decisions without her, particularly when they pertained to her business. Teresa and Jacqueline agreed to be civil to one another, though Jacqueline quite wisely remained suspicious of her former friend. The whole gang decided to go to Arizona on a spa trip, and we had to deal with Penny, who looked like Kim G. but more and less haggard all at once. And finally, Teresa tried really hard to make everyone believe she was innocent of involvement in StripperGate2012 and InfedelityGate2013, and in fact achieved the opposite.
We enter at a store called Chef Central, where Teresa is giving a cooking demo and making bruschetta for a group of old ladies and one pervy gentleman. Kathy shows up and apologizes for missing Teresa's hair care event, so Teresa gives her the lowdown about the appearance of Jan. Whoever thought that we'd spend so much time this season on two heretofore unknowns named Jan and Penny? In my opinion, this show gets exponentially more tedious when they start focusing on the randos.
This episode is a nice refocusing to the core. Kathy hopes that Melissa ripped Jan a new one, and also asks the million dollar question: "Who's Penny?" She notes that Penny is lucky not to have gotten knocked out for spreading rumors about a married woman with kids. Teresa isn't sure if there was really resolution with Melissa/Jan/Penny, but does seem convinced that the whole thing proved that she had nothing to do with the various anti-Melissa shenanigans. She is all for focusing on the present and forgetting the past, for obvious reasons. Kathy hopes for good things as they go to Arizona. Like the entire cast getting lost Amelia Earhart style in a dust storm?
As Melissa and Joe pack for Arizona, Melissa whines that she wishes Joe had gotten them a private villa for her birthday, and not another uncomfortable vacation with the family. But she is hoping that the trip will heal old wounds and help her to trust Teresa again, or so she says. Joe says that he feels okay hanging out with Juicy, but is more wary about being with Teresa. Something in the Penny incident feels fishy to him, and if there's one thing he knows about it's fishy-feeling things.
The Wakiles are also packing, and Rich makes a comment about Kathy being cold at night, just like the great state of Arizona, as their kids laugh awkwardly. Victoria asks if they're excited to hang out with the others, and Richie says that he's looking forward to being with Kathy but the others can go to hell. Somewhere in Hoboken, Al wants to bone Caroline. He suggestively caresses her love handle, which is every woman's dream. Al is unsure that he's going to survive this trip, just like I am constantly unsure that I'm going to survive this season. WHEN WILL IT END, DEAR GOD. Caroline hopes that they can squirrel off for some time alone, where they can fondle each others' love handles in the cool desert night and "get to know each another again" as their love noises mingle with the sound of coyotes baying in the distance.
Teresa is packing her bathing suits, and insists on showing them to the kids. Gia is disgusted by a skimpy sequined bikini and then Milania asks the million dollar question: "Ew. Why your chuckalina full of sparkles?" When Teresa and Juicy go to jail, I totally volunteer to adopt Milania. Gia actually takes the bikini from her in an attempt to throw it in the garbage disposal, where it will suffer a more dignified fate than going up Teresa's butt at the hotel pool.
We then cut to Jacqueline and Chris shuffling their kids off to the babysitter so they can pack. Jacqueline wonders if she should bring heels, and Chris encourages her to be casual. She can't wear jeans given the recent tummy tuck, and when Chris tells her to wear sweats she asks if he knows who they're going with. Good God, woman, pack a casual dress and stop worrying about it. Jacqueline confesses that, though she didn't want Teresa back in her life, now that she's in it's actually kind of enjoyable. She seems sincere, says Jacqueline with puzzlement, but she also seemed sincere previously when she still secretly hated Jacqueline. Chris posits that both women are being pretty guarded about the possibility of entering into a friendship again. He thinks Jacqueline should put her best foot forward and hope for the same thing in return. If she doesn't get it, she can cry "fool me twice" and give up for good.
And then we're with the Gorgas, Giudices and Wakiles en route to Arizona. A home video shows Melissa eating a lemon for her sore throat, and Rosie contemplating leading a first class salsa dance session. Meanwhile, the Manzos and Lauritas are stuck in the airport with a broken plane. They're already tired and cranky, which bodes well for everything. On the ground in Arizona, Melissa tells us that she feels like she's coming down with something and Kathy yells at Richie for the first of I'm guessing one million times on the trip. Back in the Jersey airport, Caroline is losing patience with Jacqueline, who may or may not be crying like an infant.
The Gorga/Giudice/Wakiles (Gordiciles?) arrive at the Miraval Resort and Spa and are greeted by a woman named Carol Stratford who obviously does not know what the eff she is in for. We get a long, lingering shot of Juicy's baggy velour sweatpants, because, yeah. Rich asks Carol if this is a quiet place, and she says it's about finding balance in your life. He tries to heckle her, but she remains Zen, at least for the moment. As the crew bumbles through the resort Kathy shushes them, for they are entering a "quiet area." In an interview, Richie makes a emphatic combo hand gesture to show us what he thinks of quiet areas and shushing. And then someone farts. With Jersey pride. Meanwhile, the Manzo/Lauritas (Manritas?) have finally made to Arizona! Hooray! Chris's luggage is lost, but he doesn't seem to care. Maybe he can borrow Juicy's sweatpants and wear them as capris.
The Gordiciles are introduced to their villa, which is simple yet enormous. There's a little outdoor hot tub, and Teresa says to Joe and Melissa that they can have sex out there. These people exhale grossness like carbon dioxide. Joe is looking forward to all of the Zen activities the Miraval has lined up, while Melissa lies on the bed and groans and Juicy sits on what he thinks is a very comfortable rock. It's roughly the same composition as his brain, so maybe he feels a certain connection. As will come as no surprise, someone busts open a bottle of wine while Melissa requests a throat lozenge. Teresa worries that animals will come in their room at night, while Melissa requests water. Then there's a bug on Teresa's pants, and Juicy talks about how killer tarantulas will kill them all in the middle of the night GOD WILLING IF THERE'S ANY GOOD STILL IN THE WORLD. Meanwhile, Richie complains and complains about the Miraval and Kathy has about had it with him. He wishes this was a day trip, and Kathy calls him Mr. Fucking Debbie Downer.
While the Manritas are on the shuttle to the Miraval, Caroline quite astutely looks out the window and says that this is not their scene, and they don't belong. Cut to Teresa doing pushups in her bikini and a voice that I believe comes from Joe Gorga telling her that after all these years she still looks hot. So, I have just finished re-reading Flowers in the Attic for my highly literary book club, and I will say I can envision a scenario where teenage Joe and Teresa got locked together in a room for three years while…their family was…making sauce…and things…happened. They are the Italian Chris and Cathy, and he knows exactly how many sparkles are in her chuckalina. I'm not saying it DID happen, I'm only saying it wouldn't surprise me. Melissa suns herself in a bikini and sneezes, while Rich barges in and starts complaining about his room. Joe wants him to appreciate the free vacation and stop acting like a bitch. He thinks Rich is on his period, which is SO funny. Then Rich says that he can see Melissa's cameltoe. When even Joe Gorga is asking what's the matter with you, let's just say you have problems.
Meanwhile, the Manritas settle in. Al checks his email and wants Caroline to stop talking so much. He acknowledges that he may hate this whole trip, just like everyone else apparently does. Jacqueline and Chris seem to appreciate their room, though, and Jacqueline compliments Chris on his spicy nuts.
Soon enough it's dinner time, and things kick off with Al killing a bat who has made his way indoors while everyone else screams and Juicy hides and laughs. Everyone is getting along, and Teresa is enjoying feeling easy around Jacqueline. Al grills steaks, everyone does a cheers with wine, and Joe asks for some thanks in his direction for setting things up, hopefully so he can in turn pass on those thanks to the producer who ACTUALLY set things up. Melissa announces that an energy healer will be at the resort tonight. Teresa explains that this is like a medium, and everyone is quite skeptical. Kathy adds that she's not a psychic, but reads your energy. Juicy says that if she reads his energy, her brain will pop. Because his energy comes in the form of explosive farts? For some reason everyone thinks this is hilarious.
Tina Powers, the energist medium, shows up. She explains that she hears voices from another dimension, from people who are dead but not dead. Well, that clears things up. Jacqueline is willing to give the energist medium a shot, because she's kooky like that. Let's hope it doesn't end up like the time that Camille Grammar invited over the nut with the electronic cigarette on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and things devolved into the worst dinner party they ever had (until they held their dinner party).
Tina asks who in the room has someone with a "J" in the other world. No one technically has a J, though Teresa and Joe's grandfather was named Giuseppe. Tina then moves on to a Marian/Mary/Maria, and Juicy says that Maria was his grandmother. Maria is trying hard to let him know that she's here, says Tina, to which Juicy replies that his grandmother is still alive. So far, this is really not the best advertisement for energy medium services. Richie interviews that he doesn't believe in this and has no time or patience for bullshit, adding that this isn't what he thought he was coming to.
Tina tries again with Juicy, asking him if a scenario with a lake and a dock rings any bells. It takes a while for him to realize that she's not saying "dog" or "duck," and also he has no association with a lake. Tina gives some lip service to how difficult it is to be an energy medium in a group, and Al asks if she can turn her medium skills off. She talks about how when she first tapped into her medium powers she'd hear a man and woman's voices talking in her bedroom at night, which pretty much freaks everyone out. Then Tina asks whose birthday it is. It is of course Melissa, and voices from the beyond are telling her to enjoy it more. Melissa interviews, "No shit." Because everyone knows it's her birthday!
Tina then talks about how she's intuiting that these folks have gotten together to heal, and want to forgive but are having a hard time. So, Tina has now proven that she's watched seasons three and four of the show. She goes on to say that something has been misconstrued between them, and there are accusations. This is indeed true, and Tina likens it to a game of telephone where the message gets mixed up. Quoth Teresa: "Even the dead is telling Melissa that I had nothing to do with these rumors." Listen to the dead people, says Teresa! There's a strong message that blood is thicker than water, and Tina wants them to have each others' backs. Wouldn't you love to see a showdown between Tina and Dr. V.?
Just when you think Tina's got nothing, she asks about someone who died of some sort of heart failure, the leading cause of death for everyone everywhere. Rich says his dad passed away from congestive heart failure. Dead dad says that Rich often wonders if he's okay, and wants him to know that he's doing just fine. He also mentions old videos or old film, and Rich starts crying as he says that his dad is in old wedding videos. Richie's dead dad wants him to get them out and watch them, because he'll be there for the 6:30 show. A less snarky Rich interviews that he hasn't been able to watch that video for 12 years, adding that his beloved dad's death was a heartbreaking affair. He cries in the interview, and continues to cry with Tina. Rich's dad is proud of him, and thanks him for taking good care of him. Tina adds, "He calls you a daughter," and Kathy busts in to say he made her feel like that. Juicy then shows rather impeccable timing as he interjects that he thought dead dad was calling Rich a daughter. Dead dad appreciates the humor, reports Tina.
Tina then asks who had cancer in the front of their body. When there are no takers, she refines this to lung cancer from smoking. Kathy starts crying because her dad fits the bill, and Tina asks if he had trouble walking. He's showing that his legs hurt, or that he had trouble moving. Rich gets chills, and Rosie starts crying too. It turns out their dad had a lot of pain in his legs when he got really sick. Teresa asks an upset Kathy if she wants Tina to stop, but Kathy wants to hear what her dad has to say. This dead dad says that his legs are fine now, and he can dance. He also says that "she" talks to him all the time, and he hears her, and that "she's my girl." There's also a very specific message that he loves them and doesn't want them to be afraid, because he would have thought this was a bunch of crap. Everyone laughs, because this last remark is in character. With Richie converted to a believer, Tina takes her leave. Richie cries again in an interview as he says he spent every day of his dad's last fifteen years with him, and that family feuds are stupid. He's planning on watching that wedding video now, too. Things lighten up for a minute when Al falls asleep in his chair and Juicy and Rich place cannolis on him creatively, until Kathy yells at them.
While Melissa still complains about being sick, the others discuss how the medium was (pun alert!) dead on with Rich and Kathy. Kathy, Rosie and Teresa discuss how dead dad #2 was talking to Kathy. Apparently when their dad was sick, she talked to him and gave a sort of tribute for how he made her the woman she is as an adult. She told him she loved him, and he gave her nothing profound or personal in return. She wanted him to say that he loved her, and it hurt that he didn't. Teresa starts to say that he was old-school, but Rosie interjects to say that her dad gave her a lot of what she needed. One time he grabbed her face gently and kissed her all over and told her how much he loved her. Kathy didn't get that, and Rosie feels bad about it. It's because she married Richie, right? Kathy is resentful, and feels like she missed out. Now she has some kind of closure, I guess? She encourages Teresa to let her dad she her and Joe reunited while he's still alive. Rosie expresses her love by saying that if a coyote came after the others right now, she'd jump in front of it for them. Lucky coyote.
The day, Melissa is coughing and being miserable and says she's never felt pain like this ever. She takes some sort of pill, complaining about how big it is. This of course makes Joe want to bang her. "I'll catch all her diseases," he says. How romantic! There's a group hiking excursion, and Joe feels like he has to go rather than hanging with the hacking Melissa. He asks how she's feeling about the Teresa situation. Melissa would actually trust Teresa more if she'd just admit she did some fucked up things, whether or not Teresa actually did them.
Wilderness guides Conor Elridge and Deborah Oslik meet with the group minus Melissa for a day of hiking. May they fare better than the poor activity facilitators in the Adirondikes. The Jersey-ites are NOT making it easy on them, given how they hate to commune with nature. They come across horse poop, which leads to the enlightening knowledge that Juicy has chronic mushy shits. Teresa says she's an outdoorsy person, as evidenced by her favorite activities of hiking and…um…uh…laying out in the sun. So, great. The hike is very dry and hot, and everyone wonders what poor, sick Melissa is doing back at the resort. The answer is, she's laying out by the pool. She interviews that she was in so much pain that she couldn't take a sip of water, as we see her lounging and drinking a glass of water by the pool. Vitamin D therapy?
The hikers come across some sort of Zen circle run by one of Stevie Nicks's backup singers. It's Pamela Lancaster, and she's a traditional healer who's there to lead the group in a cleansing and purifying ceremony. They each have a pad and pencil, and are going to write what they're ready to let go of and burn it. While they're doing that, she burns some sage around them. Richie tries to get high, because after the energy healer he's through with the whole place. Pamela asks for a volunteer to go first with their burning and purifying. Al volunteers, saying that this isn't his thing and he doesn't believe in it, so he declines to participate. Oh, just write a thing and burn it, old man. Joe Gorga gives him a round of applause, while Caroline calls him a drag. She volunteers to go , but instead of burning her BLK water hat, she burns worry as something she's releasing from a relationship. That's a good one, actually. She tells us that Al needs to break down his stoic wall and just live a little and burn a freaking piece of paper already. Joe is , and burns anger and hate. He's still suspicious of Teresa, but is tired of fighting. Kathy burns putting everyone else's needs before her own. Jacqueline burns her reaction to negativity, as well as letting go of ill feelings towards people who have hurt her in the past. She cries, of course.
The group encourages Teresa to go , and she explains that she's feeling emotional after listening to everyone that had a problem with her. She asks Joe to join her, as well as Jacqueline, Kathy, Richie, Chris and Caroline. Joe wishes that Melissa could be there to see that there's a change in Teresa. Teresa says she's in a good place now with these folks, and wants to keep it there. Pamela asks what she's intending to invite in to the relationships with these folks and herself, and Teresa responds that she wants love, happiness, joy, friendship and reuniting. Jacqueline appreciates this whole thing and says that this trip is making her miss Teresa, which she never thought would happen again. Teresa and Jacqueline step aside for a heart to heart, where Jacqueline admits that she misses Teresa and is having fun with her on this trip. She thinks that if they keep it positive, they can see where it goes. Teresa is less emotional, but says that she thinks this is a good strategy. Jacqueline is sorry that things got to such an ugly place, and Teresa says that her intention is never to do anything to hurt anyone, because karma might not come back just to her, but to her daughters as well. So…Jacqueline, who may or may not be extremely sensitive about any reference to karma walloping a child, wonders what exaaaaactly Teresa means by that. I wish someone from beyond the dead had instructed Teresa to just shut the fuck up every now and again.
week: Kid-karma-gate, a magic horse, and the Giudices talk prison.
Potes is cultivating a chuckalina full of sparkles. Check on her progress by tweeting @traciepotes or emailing potesypotes@gmail.com.