Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Death. Destruction. Tummy tucks. Test kitchens. Fucking Kim D. and some lady named Jan. Dr. V. calling Teresa a dumb-ass. Me questioning my life choices every time I sit down to recap this show.
We enter at the Gorga house, where Teresa has come for a visit with the kids. Antonia wants to take Milania down to see the studio, so it can finally be demolished for good. Teresa tells Melissa that she's coming out with a hair product line and asked her Twitter followers to help name it, and of course they chose "Milania" because Milania is an inspiration to all humans. I personally would have gone with "Hooker (Not a Cooker)," which is also coincidentally the name of my new album. Teresa tells us that the hair care line is part of her emerging empire, and it's refreshing that Melissa is being so supportive. And really, say what you will but Teresa's hair nearly always looks fabulous. I hope they let her use the products in jail.
Melissa then shows Teresa the mock-up of her book cover, and asks if she likes it. Teresa gives a very mumbly, "…uh…yeah" in response. In an interview, Teresa says that Melissa looks beautiful on the cover, but given that Love Italian Style (YES, THAT IS THE NAME OF THE BOOK) is all about the perfect marriage, she wonders where Joe is. Melissa asks if Teresa got to choose her own covers. Teresa says that she did, but got the whole family involved. Teresa's judg-i-ness does not go unnoticed by Melissa, who just wishes that everyone could be supportive. She then questions aloud the oddness of all sorts of rumors about her marriage swirling about just when she's coming out with this book of "sexy life, loyal wife" advice. The rumors even made it to the cover of Life & Style. If these bitches would just stop paying attention to the tabloids, their lives would be so much more peaceful.
Anyway, Melissa is upset about the accusations which she says are untrue, and Teresa tells her to just ignore them and they'll go away. You know, like how you do with your taxes. Melissa tells us that she doesn't want to accuse anyone of anything (lies!) but she and Teresa weren't particularly tight when Tre went to dinner with Kim D., Jan, and the ever mysterious Penny. That was the dinner, you may recall, when the affair rumor surfaced on camera. She still doesn't trust Teresa, which is probably wise. Teresa is on to her game of half-accusations, and when Melissa asks if she's a cheater, Teresa pauses, shakes her head, and says, "Nope." God, who even cares at this point.
OH NO and then we're with the newly tucked Jacqueline, who is heading home and noting to her mom that a) her surgery was quite extensive; b) she wishes that she had done her eyes while she was under anesthesia. She will not be happy until she's Kanye's mom, man. Hopefully seeing her own triangles of removed skin-fat will shock her into realizing that she's on a slippery slope. Made entirely of fatty flesh triangles that have come from her own body. Chris and the boys are awaiting her return, and Chris tells us how difficult it's been with her gone, particularly with Nick. Jacqueline returns home and gets a very warm greeting from everyone, but especially Nick. She feels great, since she says she wasn't even sure if he'd realize she was gone. Hopefully he wasn't too attached to her old neck.
And then we're with Kathy and Richie, who are grocery shopping. Richie gets a text from Joe, seeing if he wants to hang out with the guys and go to a cigar bar. Richie assumes that this is code for strip club, because it is his mission to be grody 24-7. They go to the bakery department and Kathy inquires about the cannoli. She tells us that her cannoli empire is growing, and she has been on the Home Shopping Network twice. It is her mission to change the way that people look at cannoli. I typically don't think about cannoli all that much, but then again I do not think I am the target customer here. Kathy continues to make inquiries, but Richie keeps interrupting both her and the girl behind the bakery counter. Kathy calls him on it, and Richie says that he knows the answers, and things will go great if she allows him to interrupt because he knows what to do. Kathy in turn tells us that old fashioned and traditional marriage is NOT GREAT. It's the kind of thing that we can infer through context clues, in this case. Have I mentioned that Kathy is wearing a Carmen Sandiego hat?
And then we're at the cigar bar which is, much to Richie's shock and dismay, actually a cigar bar. He'd rather have a hookah. And a hooker. Chris tells Joe and Rich that Jacqueline looks good, and he wants to have a little welcome home party for her. Joe in turn interviews that Jacqueline is a sexy woman and didn't need any surgery. When it comes to Melissa, Joe tells us, he loves her boobs, and the only thing he'd maybe do is get them a little bit bigger. Well, thanks for sharing. I'd do the same thing to Joe's brain. Joe says that Melissa's birthday is coming up and he wants to do something unique for her. Richie suggests that he give her a break from Tarzan, and then talk turns to how one time Melissa was texting while Joe was banging her. Quoth Richie, "Did you remind her, listen, I'm inside of you?" Joe stabs the bar with a knife and the bartender has to ask if he's serious. Chris suggests an Arizona spa retreat, at which point Joe asks if everyone else will come. There is debate about whether to invite Teresa and Juicy, and everyone seems to agree that it's a good idea and step in moving forward in their relationship.
In the Manzo world, Caroline and Al are getting a dining table in their Hoboken apartment. All of the Manzo progeny have some sort of opinion about the placement of a rug, and Al weighs in to let everyone know that he could give approximately two shits. And then he gets totally annoyed with Caroline and Lauren busts in with, "Daddy hates mom." Things are tense, and Al says he's going to work. Caroline asks him for money for food shopping before he goes, which is so weird. She tells us that when she met Al it was a different era, and he's used to calling the shots. Sometimes they drive each other crazy, she says. Like, I'm guessing, the one day a week when they actually see each other. Lauren tells us that her parents' relationship is way too old school for her, since she likes to make her own decisions and her own money. As you've seen by the high amounts of initiative she showed in opening Cafface. And then Albie finds Rich Wakile's glasses and jokingly asks Caroline if they're having an affair. That small earthquake you felt was me retching.
And then we're out to dinner with Lauren and Vito. She tries to strongarm him into splitting a Greek salad, and he notes that he might want to order his own thing. Vito apparently wants to sit on the couch, watch TV and eat all the time, which makes him a perfect match for me. But Lauren doesn't want to get fat and bored, even though she acknowledges that's a horrible thing to say in regard to the person you're thinking of spending the rest of your life with. Vito mentions the issue of an engagement in a roundabout way, and Lauren notes that while her life before was all about Vito, she now has a business. Vito is her second priority now, and she really could care less if he puts a ring on it. Poor Vito looks crestfallen, and asks if they at least could move in together. She says that his parents wouldn't approve, which he takes as an indicator that she doesn't want to take the step in their relationship. Vito takes a "que sera sera" stance to cover up the fact that his poor pastrami heart is broken.
Meanwhile, Melissa and Joe go to a hookah bar, and Joe tells her about the plan to take the entire cast to a spa in Arizona for her birthday. She's okay with inviting the Wakiles and Lauritas, but when it comes to mention of inviting Teresa and Juicy she just says, "…Why?" Joe thinks it would be cool, but Melissa doesn't want her birthday to be stressful. Joe, however, thinks that it will enable the family healing to continue. Rosie, Jacqueline and Caroline show up, and Jacqueline shows her roughed-up neck. Caroline tells us that the Jacqueline they first met looks very different now. And I'm guessing the Jacqueline of five years from now will look very different from the Jacqueline we know today. Sunrise, sunset. Teresa and Juicy -- who is wearing a fucking fur coat -- enter. Teresa thinks that Jacqueline looks great, and gives us her endorsement of plastic surgery. When there is no actual fountain of youth to splash around in, just get someone to pull your neck skin back and tie it in a knot. The Wakiles show up too, so the gang is officially all there. They get food and a hookah, and when Melissa chokes on the hookah a gaggle of Joe Gorga penis jokes go around. Can you imagine spending one evening with any of these people?
After a bit, Joe Gorga asks for the attention of the crowd and proposes his group Arizona spa trip. Juicy confirms that Arizona is by Vegas, and everyone says they are more or less in. Rosie is enthusiastic about it, while Caroline just sort of nods a tight-lipped assent. As they cheers, Joe Gorga tells us that he's a genius since there's nothing like vacation to bond people, and everyone gets along on vacation. Um. EXCEPT FOR THESE VERY PEOPLE, ON VACATION TOGETHER LAST YEAR. Salut! And then belly dancers comes out, Rosie makes it rain, Juicy proves he can dance Arabic, and Melissa looks awfully comfortable in stilettos on a floor filled with one dollar bills.
After a break, the Gorga family tortures Melissa by throwing chunks of ice at her after she's done her hair. And speaking of hair, Teresa calls to invite Melissa to the launch of her new hair care line. She warns her that there will be a lot of salon people there, and she can't control who comes to her events. Because the infamous Jan and Penny are salon owners, they RSVP'ed that they were coming. Alls Teresa knows is that if Melissa wants a perfect opportunity to confront them and ask them why they're spreading nasty rumors about her ON CAMERA, this is it. She wants to engage in the strategy of confronting these bitches together, per Dr. V.'s advice, and says that she'll definitely have Melissa's back. Once off the phone, Melissa explains the situation to Joe, who still seems to believe that the Pennys and Jans and Kim Ds of the world are Teresa's minions, and have been doing her Gorga takedown dirty work for two years. Melissa is sick of bitches trying to bring her down, and says that they can dig to China but they're still not going to find anything on her. Joe is going to come to the hair care launch with Melissa and says he wishes he was a girl, because he'd be laying bitches out.
Kathy visits Caroline in Hoboken, and Caroline talks up all the benefits of city apartment living before the two women compare notes about their husbands. Kathy is frustrated that Richie is making decisions without her that concern her business, and tells us that she and Caroline are at the same place in life with their old-fashioned, traditional husbands. Caroline suggests that Kathy sit down with Rich and tell him that she has to love every aspect of what she's doing vis-à-vis cannoli making. If it's something you're passionate about, says Caroline, you have to speak up for it even if it means a confrontation with your husband. They joke about how Richie is probably stalking them, likely with a gross dirty comment at the ready.
Meanwhile, Teresa is getting ready for her big product launch, which entails her screaming, "Milania! Cut it out!" Milania yells something about someone being a little scaredy cat, and then does one of the funniest and most disturbing things I've ever seen, which is come sliding down the bannister on her fake boobs. Yes, Milania has put on some sort of push-up bra. She runs around with her newfound boobs, apparently quite mad that she's not able to come to the Milania Hair Care launch. And then that hag Kim D. shows up. Gia gives her death glares, which is in line with Gia having turned into a sensible child.
We cut to Melissa getting her nails done with a few friends and telling them all about the drama with Jan. I think we've maybe met these friends before, but unless they are truly hag-like a la Kim D., I have a hard time telling them apart. In any case, Jan's rumor apparently had to do with Melissa having sex with an ex in a parking lot of a place called Sushi Lounge. Melissa asks if she looks like a parking lot kind of girl. Does she really want an answer to that? Jan and Melissa were in each others' weddings, but now hate each other, as seems to happen a lot in New Jersey.
We cut back to Teresa getting her makeup done and noting that if she were Melissa, she'd want to know why bitches be spreading rumors. If someone was saying things about Teresa that were untrue, says Teresa, she'd address it. Makeup lady breaks in with, "Unless you have something to hide," and Kim D.'s snake tongue flicks across her lips with glee. Back at the nail salon, Melissa notes that Teresa is her sister in law and she will forgive her, and adds that maybe tonight if they truly band together they can get some answers and take out all of the negative folks who are causing problems for them. If any of this involves Kim D. self-destructing into a pile of dust, I'm all for it.
Meanwhile, Kathy is making lemon mascarpone cream with which to fill her cannolis. Richie wants to cart her down to the test kitchen, since every time he comes in the house lately it smells like a damn bakery. How is this a problem? Kathy tells Richie that the test kitchen was a great idea, but she wasn't sold on it. She's taking Caroline's advice to stand up for herself, and gives Rich a hard time for signing a lease on the place without consulting her. Though she appreciates his efforts, she didn't like being in the test kitchen and doesn't want to go back. Rich looks sheepish, and tells us that if Kathy wants to take over the cannoli industry on her own, she can knock herself out and leave him out of it. And then he tells her to put more sugar in her cannoli filling. Great job being hands-off.
And then we're at the Milania hair care launch. Jan shows up with hag of all hags Kim D., and then Penny greets Juicy, who has little idea who she is. Melissa and Joe come in, and Jan snarks, "The princess has arrived." While the Giudices and Gorgas give some quality hugs to one another, the Witches of Beastwick stand around and gab about how fake the family reunion is, and how many skeletons Melissa has in her closet. Penny and Jan insist to one another that they'd never want to break up someone's marriage, but in this case Melissa was two-timing her husband so it's fine.
Kim D. hugs Teresa, then calls Melissa over. She hopes that they can put their past quarrels aside, and just be in the same room and have a good time together. Melissa is suspicious, as you should be. And then, because none of these bitches can act, Jan goes up to the group and congratulates Teresa before asking Melissa, "Did you want to say something?" So, Jan just confronted Melissa about Melissa confronting her. Like a circle in a circle, like a wheel within a wheel. Jan then goes on about how Melissa had relations with her ex, and used Jan as an alibi. Melissa quite rightly points out that, though Teresa said she'd have Melissa's back, she's just standing around with a dumb look on her face. Way to be helpful to the family.
Jan then alludes to Melissa's dark past that she's trying to hide, and a gaggle of skeletons under her bed. Melissa tells Jan that what she's doing is disgusting. Teresa continues to watch and tells us that Jan and Melissa need to hash it out, and if her name comes up then she'll interject or flip a table or whatever it is that she does. Melissa ends by telling Jan that she loved her, to which Jan says that Melissa just loves herself. She adds that Melissa should get an Academy Award before tossing off a, "Thank you Jesus!" Melissa is disgusted with Jan, and wonders why she'd be such an ass and say such stupid things. Joe is hurt that Jan turned, and says that she's a puppet for…someone nefarious. Teresa wonders if Melissa can forget about it, which is a different tune than she had when she first called Melissa on the phone about the launch. Teresa then reiterates that she had noting to do with the In Touch article, and Kim D. underscores that. And then freaking Penny comes over and says to Teresa, "I love your hairline." Do you think Teresa had her hairline threaded to make it bigger? Why isn't that the real story of the night?
Melissa confronts Penny about whether or not she was talking shit about her, and Penny doesn't seem to give a rat about who knows that she talked shit about Melissa. Teresa then asks Penny to confirm whether or not the two of them are friends, and Penny says that she knows Teresa and is great with her, but they don't talk on the phone or anything. Teresa takes this as vindication of…something. I don't even know what. And then Penny goes on about how she only responded to questions about Melissa after the In Touch article came out because she was asked. Melissa is still like, "Who is this bitch, and why is she talking about me"
She starts to ask Penny about these so-called questions, and Teresa jumps in to again reiterate that she and Penny are not friends. O…kay. So then Melissa wants to know what these questions were, and who was asking them. The questions had to do with Melissa's past, but Penny won't give up who asked them. And then Teresa keeps interrupting about the friend thing, and to confirm that she never met stripper-gate main player Angelo before the night of the Posche fashion show, and Melissa finds it all quite suspicious. Penny tells Melissa that Teresa has nothing to do with this, then tells Teresa to go tend to her guests. Teresa clearly doesn't want to leave, and Joe interviews that Teresa is trying too hard to make herself look innocent, which in the end makes her look guilty.
Teresa doesn't leave, and Penny still won't divulge who was asking her questions about Melissa. Is the answer "Andy Cohen"? Melissa tells Penny to stay out of her marriage, then takes her leave. Teresa then gives Joe and Melissa shit for not believing that she had nothing to do with the Posche show, and then scampers off feeling great about herself. That really did nothing to clear Teresa's name, and in fact I think everyone -- including me -- is more suspicious of her now than ever. Well done!
week: With her name "cleared," Teresa is excited to go off to Arizona. Richie complains about his vacation room, and a bat tries to attack Albert. Oh jeez and then everyone cries as part of some group therapy or spiritual exercise.
Potes hopes that she lives to see this season's reunion episodes, but is doubtful. To send a message of hope please tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.