Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Gorgas and Giudices and Wakiles came to a truce, but Tio Joe still felt distance between himself and his goddaughter, Gia. Albie and Christopher Manzo were "opening" a "restaurant." Juicy and Chris Laurita took exactly 39 seconds to resolve any hard feelings between them, while Teresa called Jacqueline evil, and Jacqueline called Teresa a sociopath. One of those things is at least partially true.
We enter on Teresa and Jacqueline, who are debating over who's zooming who, or who zoomed who in the past. Teresa wants to know precisely how she's hurt Jacqueline, and Jacqueline says that Tre didn't appreciate her offers of help. She's also upset at Teresa's remark that instead of hurling insults on Twitter, Jacqueline should focus on her son. Jacqueline is offended that Teresa would imply that her focus is anywhere but on her family, and says that Teresa has no idea what she goes through every day.
In the men's smoking lounge, Chris talks to Juicy about their struggles with Nicholas, and says that though everyone thinks they can recover him, it's going to take patience and work. Juicy basically thinks that Nicholas is Rain Man. "Is he a very good driver?" asks Juicy, puffing away on his cigar. Meanwhile, Teresa apologizes for the fact that Jacqueline has troubles with her son, because obviously it is her fault, like everything is her fault. Add it to the federal indictment!
Teresa talks about how close she and Jacqueline once were, and says that she'd never hurt her, her kids, or her husband. While she blamed Jacqueline for the rift between her and Joe, she says that they're going in circles and nothing is getting resolved. She wants them to be civil, and not to feel uncomfortable if they run into each other or are forced to film together. Jacqueline says that despite her longstanding anger, she won't do anything to hurt Teresa going forward. She will let the federal government take care of it, and just giggle in her head at the thought of Teresa in an orange jumpsuit. So, now apparently they're at a good place, and can go down and join the men. Jacqueline reminds us that their relationship will never get back to where it was, and then we see Teresa mentioning that she should knock it off with the cheating rumors. Jacqueline apologizes to Juicy, who says he's already forgotten about it. And plus, it kind of helps his image if other people think there's a second lady on earth who would bone him.
Oh God, and then there's a BLK meeting with Chris, Christopher and Albie. They talk a little bit about Chris's reconciliation with Juicy, and then discuss some potential deal with an upscale spin class. They have an office now, and likely have made tens of dollars from the throngs of people wanting to drink water the color of coal runoff. Chris worries that Little Big Town is going to pull focus from the stellar business opportunity that is BLK, and then there are a lot of wife/mistress metaphors that make the situation grodier.
We cut to the younger Giudice girls and Teresa, who are running around and shooting each other with toy ping pong ball guns. Gia has some friends over who wonder what all the racket is about. Gia cakes on some eye makeup and says she has very dysfunctional sisters. Very dysfunctional everything, some would argue. Her friends ask about her forthcoming plans with Tio Joe, and all about the family feud and whatnot. Gia explains that they're going go-karting, and that she hasn't had one on one time with her uncle since she was five. Teresa eavesdrops for a while, then shoots at Gia with the ping pong ball guns. You know, sometimes, despite it all, I think that Teresa and Juicy would be pretty fun parents. Until they went to jail and orphaned you.
And then we're at the lingerie store with Kathy and Jacqueline, who are talking about Jacqueline's peacemaking with Teresa. It turns out that Teresa is having a charity Zumba event. Of course she is. Does Kathy have to go in her bra? What does this have to do with the price of bras in Franklin Lakes? What is the purpose of their lingerie shopping? Jacqueline then chooses a button down pajama set, and tells Kathy she's going to get a tummy tuck. In Beverly Hills. Kathy is excited for her, since now she'll have company on the slippery slope.
Chris's official stance on the tummy tuck is that Jacqueline doesn't need it, but that if it makes her feel better she should go for it. Jacqueline then tells Kathy that she's also going to get her neck done, because officially she is a crazy person. Even Kathy is like, "Come on, dude." She says that no one ever sees how your neck skin hangs, and Jacqueline asks if she ever rides her husband. In that statement there are so many visuals that I did not need imprinted in my brain. And yet, they pale in comparison to the fatty flesh triangles that are to come. Consider that a spoiler alert AND a warning.
Back at the Giudice house, ping pong ball wars continue as Joe Gorga arrives. He's excited to spend time with Gia, and tells us that prior to the feud they used to spend a ton of time together. He even held her when she was a baby, as evidenced by photos. He wants to learn who she is, and who she's grown up to be. Gia comes down the stairs looking too cool for school, and as she and Joe leave Milania and Gabriela break the chandelier. I imagine there is a crash somewhere in that house about every three hours.
And then for the first time in ages we see Albie and Chris's roommate, Greg. He sits down at the kitchen table while Christopher takes a shot out of a red solo cup plastic shot glass, because Manzo the younger is all class. It turns out that Greg found a job in San Francisco and is leaving soon, and taking his little dog Deloris with him. Greg asks if they're going to have a "cancer hang," which is the thing you do when someone is dying and everyone wants to see them. IF ONLY someone on this show were actually dying.
And then we cut to go-karting bonding time with Gia and Joe. They drive around on the track whilst smack talking one another, and I assure you that the footage is riveting. They get pizza, and Joe tells us about his philosophy that you shouldn't let kids win any sort of go-kart competitions. I wonder how that jives with his philosophy that hair sometimes comes from a can. He tries to convince Gia that these are moments she'll cherish for the rest of her life. She rolls her eyes, as she is wont to do, but then they actually segue into a legit discussion.
Gia tells Joe that she loved him most dearly, but when she was very little things were different. He'd come over all the time and whatnot. Joe explains how people change, and Gia responds that when he and Teresa were "tit for tat," that distanced the whole family. Joe unhelpfully explains that things happen in life, and Gia tells him that though they thought she was ignorant of these matters, she knew what was going on. When her mom would get upset and cry, it made Gia upset, but Joe tells her that there are two sides to every story. In some cases, however, Gia was there to form her own direct impressions, and she tells him that what stuck in her own mind was the christening, where Joe spewed cruel things at Teresa as Gia was standing right there. Joe says that he didn't see Gia there, which is not the issue. We flash back to Joe table-pounding and Gia crying, and Joe once again is completely unable to engage in a thoughtful conversation with a 12-year-old.
He repeats that things happen in life, and Gia says that it was a Christening, and thus not the right place or the right time to make such a scene, and it really hurt Joe and Teresa's parents. Points for Gia, man. I don't think I've given this kid enough credit so far. She continues, saying that she was affected by the fighting, and kids at school would come up to her and say that her uncle is a maniac. Now they're probably saying that her uncle is a maniac with spray-on hair. We flash back to Gia's sad and terrible song at her birthday party, when she broke down in tears. Joe says that he's not a maniac who jumps off the handle for no reason, but interviews that sometimes his behavior is disgusting, and he's embarrassed of himself. He promises to control himself from now on, which is good news for all the dudes who don't want spray-on hair on their shirts. Joe tells Gia that he loves her, and he loves Teresa, and Teresa loves him, and now things are all right, and that's it. Joe then proposes that they come back another time and bring the other kids, and Gia smiles and says that they'll love it. Side note: do you think Bret Michaels knew about spray-on hair?
And then it's time for Teresa's charity Zumba event. Everyone is supposed to be there including Kathy, whom Milania purports not to know. The Wakiles show up, and there is a nice reunion with all the kids. When Gia was little the family used to do a lot together, but of course that all changed with the coming of the rift. Kathy says it's sad, because the same thing happened when Kathy and Teresa were kids and their parents got into a feud. The dysfunction is hereditary, basically. Rosie shows up wearing colorful sneakers, and everyone starts drinking red wine. That always works out so well, after all. The Gorgas then show up, and finally Jacqueline and Chris. Jacqueline is a little sad when she thinks about how she always assumed she would be there to see Teresa's girls grow up, but probably will be less upset when she sees the flashback of Gia bratting about how Jacqueline reading to her was torture.
A bus is there to take the whole crew to charity Zumba, and Teresa says she's glad that Jacqueline is there. Then, however, Teresa starts wondering what a sociopath is. Jacqueline suggests that she Googles it, then Teresa reads aloud, "A person who lacks a sense of moral responsibility; often anti-social and lacks social conscience." Then she looks confused, which in some sense is how she always looks. Joe jumps in to wonder if anyone really cares if they're called names, and Juicy says that Joe does, and then Chris notes that Teresa called Jacqueline evil. So, they've been together what, thirteen minutes? Melissa starts going into "sticks and stones may break my bones" mode, and then Juicy asks if she'll do a minute on the pole. She refuses, but Milania is happy to climb it and says, "I'm Melissa! I'm going on the pole!" Everyone cracks up, which, phew.
And then they're at charity Zumba for the Nephcure Foundation, which raises funds for a rare kidney disease of some sort. Joe and Juicy have a shot, and then the Zumba class begins. Jacqueline stands on the sidelines until Juicy and Chris push her out on the floor. Watching Juicy do Zumba is kind of a magical experience, and though it is brief, I consider it a reward for making it this far into the season. I can only pray for additional outtakes on the Bravo website. Things are quickly ruined, however, as Teresa and Jacqueline sit together and Teresa notes that she's awfully charitable for a sociopath. Jacqueline VERY RELUCTANTLY says that maybe she misjudged Teresa, even though she knows that she didn't. Teresa says that she never did anything to hurt Jacqueline, in which case she should just SHUT UP and move on. They then hug, and Jacqueline says that Teresa is in a better place and being more real, but that's not something you can trust because she's a freaking sociopath, as already stated.
And then it's time for Greg's goodbye party. Christopher says that he dreams of leaving New Jersey all the time but would never have the balls to do it, but Greg is sallying forth like Mary Tyler Moore to throw a hat up in the air in San Francisco and then immediately come back home. Caroline cries as she says that she hates to see Greg go, but he has to have the brass ring. Because if there's one thing Caroline loves, it's a cliché. She also really loves Greg, and gives him a big present. It's a framed photo of the words "take care of each other" written in chalk. Which I guess is a photo that Greg took? I don't totally understand. In any case, everyone is there except for Teresa and Juicy, including Jacqueline and Chris. Talk quickly turns away from Greg and to Jacqueline's impending tummy tuck and neck lift. Caroline is not for it, and reminds everyone about how they had to rush Jacqueline to the hospital after her botched boob job. By season eight she's going to look just like Amanda Lepore, methinks.
And then we're at the Neo Surgery Center in Beverly Hills, where RHONJ is obviously paying for Jacqueline's surgery and thus she's letting them film it. Jacqueline enters the building, and who is there waiting but Ashle(e)(y), who is now 22. Jacqueline's friend Jill is also there, but the focus is on the mother-daughter pair. Jacqueline loves the relationship that she and Ashle(e)(y) have now, and says that the distance has done them good. Ashle(e)(y) tells us that she's been blogging for Buzznet in L.A., and that it's good being on her own though she misses her family and brothers. Dr. Brent Moelleken enters, ready to suck the fat out of Jacqueline's neck. We get a close-up of Jacqueline's current tummy, which is indeed a little saggy. She has a little tattoo there, too. Jacqueline totally wants to get an eyelift, and thank goodness Ashle(e)(y) is there to knock some sense into her. Who ever thought we'd say THAT? Dr. Moelleken gives her warning about all of the potential dreadful side effects, which do not faze Jacqueline. He also tells her to go easy on the food and alcohol, so I'm sure she'll get wasted.
Back in New Jersey, C.J. is feeling a little sick and Chris is learning how hard it is to juggle work and the boys. Caroline comes over to help out and comfort C.J. while Chris runs after Nick. Meanwhile, back in L.A., Jacqueline goes out to dinner with Ashle(e)(y) and her parents and wants everyone to have shots. Everyone else just wants water, and so Jacqueline drinks all the shots for herself. It turns out that Ashle(e)(y) is now focusing on being a responsible citizen, and though she thinks Jacqueline's drinking before surgery is questionable, she surmises that it might be her way of dealing with nerves. Now that Ashle(e)(y) is a little more grown up, she says she understands her father and Jacqueline more. Jacqueline sort of enjoys the fact that Ashle(e)(y) is now the responsible one and she's the delinquent. Her parents wonder what is wrong with her.
Back in Jersey, Caroline guesses that C.J. has strep and will feel better after talking to Jacqueline. Or maybe not, since back in L.A. Jacqueline's dad gets the lowdown on what a tummy tuck entails and then warns her that her tits will be up to her neck if she's not careful. Maybe getting rid of the neck fat is to make room? Jacqueline's parents and Ashle(e)(y) are all worried about the surgery, and think Jacqueline's crazy, but because she actually IS crazy she just laughs it off and has more tequila.
And then we're on the operating table. While Jacqueline is unconscious, we hear Dr. Moelleken saying, "I hope she doesn't expect ALL this fat to be gone. You know, we get this on 60 year olds." So, awesome. Every woman's dream. I'm sure that will do wonders for her confidence. And then he talks about how Ashle(e)(y)'s neck is like a Greek sculpture, and that she's 22 and hot and she knows it. So, Jacqueline flew all the way across the country to get the fat sucked out of her by a giant creep who wants to bone her daughter. Victory for humanity. Man, just when you thought this show couldn't get more depressing. Ashle(e)(y) then talks to her grandparents about how worrisome the surgery actually is. Oh Jesus, and then we get to see Jacqueline's fucking FATTY SKIN from her belly on the operating table, cut in little triangles like it's scraps from Buffalo Bill's latest patchwork project. The skin with her tattoo has been cut off, which I guess she pre-approved. And, Jesus. I don't watch Discovery Health for a reason. Not cool, Bravo! Not cool.
Jacqueline's parents call Chris and let him know that the surgery is taking a little longer than expected, which of course worries him. But then Dr. Creepazoid comes in to say that everything went quite well and they can visit Jacqueline in recovery. Jacqueline then gets to say hi to Chris on the phone, and quite accurately says that she looks like a turtle and a Q-tip. Why do people do this? I mean, that is some gruesome shit. Ashle(e)(y) hopes that this will be her mom's last surgery, which is a hope that will assuredly be dashed.
week: Cannoli drama. Marriage proposal denial drama. Jacqueline's new neck drama. Melissa cheating rumors drama. And finally, "Is that blonde hag Kim G.?" drama.
Potes hopes that she lives to see this season's reunion episodes, but is doubtful. To send a message of hope please tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.