PreviouslyonMasterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey:Christopher and Albie were "opening" a "restaurant," where they might finally "earn" a "salary." Melissa was "writing" a "book" with marriage "advice." Rosie announced that she hadn't had sex in six years (no quote marks there), and refused to try online dating since it's filled with freaks and she's met her lifetime freak quota with people who share her DNA. And the family retreat in the Adirondikes seemed to yield some promising results for the Gorgas and Giudices, thanks to the efforts of Dr. Vajayjay. The rift between Teresa and Jacqueline grew, though, and caused some serious mascara runnage on Teresa's already compromised face.
We enter at a construction site of some sort, where Joe is in a hard hat and operating a digging machine (that is a very technical term, by the way). Melissa has brought the kids to visit him at work, and tells us that things have been going really well business-wise since the Adirondikes. Joe yells about good and bad dirt, then takes a call from someone named Rob Horndog, who is the owner of an establishment called Sizzle Tans. Yes, I just said Sizzle Tans. Joe agrees to do something, in "normal shorts." I assume this is some sort of modeling opportunity that requires only Underoos, spray-on hair and a healthy level of comfort with horror. We then learn that Joe and Melissa have an opportunity to be on a Sizzle Tans BILLBOARD, I imagine in a sort of, "Welcome to Jersey! Now don't you want to get the eff out of here?" messaging context. Melissa declines, saying it's all Joe. Joe in turn tells us that, not to brag, but he's perfect. Do you think he has spray-on muscles too? Joe then surmises that the real reason Melissa doesn't want to be on the Sizzle Tans billboard (and couldn't you say Sizzle Tans over and over for hours? Sizzle Tans Sizzle Tans Sizzle Tans Sizzle Tans!) is because Teresa has already done it. We see Teresa's Sizzle Tans commercial, which is as hilarious as one might imagine, and Melissa admits that she indeed doesn't want to dip her hands in Teresa's sloppy seconds, especially since they're now at a good place. Joe then has Melissa drive some sort of construction machine, and she runs over the whole family. Happy ending!
We then transition to Teresa shrieking. It turns out she's mad that Audriana hasn't learned how to dress her own Barbies, and is interrupting her cooking. Gabriela, heretofore known as the normal one, is helpfully folding napkins. Then she asks, "Mommy… how much adults is there?" and I die. It turns out that Teresa is hosting her brother and family for dinner, and Milania yells that she loves having family over before informing Audriana that she will NOT be playing with her and Antonia. The girls make a sign welcoming their cousins to the toy room, and then Teresa asks Milania if she's going to cook for her husband one day. She says that no, he'll cook for her, which is a #1 A+ answer.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline talks to Caroline about her time at the Adirondikes retreat, and Melissa Gorga shows up. Melissa tells Jacqueline that it was a good thing she wasn't there, since as soon as anyone showed up Teresa started jawing on about Jacqueline's mean tweet. Jacqueline wonders why Teresa hates her so much and blames her for everything. Melissa can't answer that, but does inform her that the family made up and they're back to Sunday dinners. Jacqueline wonders if they got to the root of their manifold problems, and hears about Dr. V's assertion that they don't communicate well, likely because of their functional illiteracy. And fine, I added that last part, but it doesn't mean it's not true.
Jacqueline is shocked to hear that they hugged. Caroline then explains about her trust fall challenge, which involved Teresa and Jacqueline making amends. Jacqueline is not thrilled that this means Teresa will be calling her. Caroline theorizes that Jacqueline needs some closure, because all this bullshit is a gigantic distraction from her actual life, which of course involves taking care of her child with special needs. She says that it's too much to ask for Jacqueline and Teresa to become friends again, but it would be fantastic if they could get on a level of, "Hey, how are you, have a nice life," which is the Zen space that Caroline has carved out for herself in relation to the Giudices. Jacqueline claims that she's all for it if Teresa will let go of her hate and nastiness, but if she's not sincere -- e.g., like the other times that they've "made up" -- then don't bother.
And then it's Sunday dinner time! The Giudice kids are adorably excited to see their cousins. Joe notes that Gia has gotten pretty tall, and she reminds him that he hasn't seen her in a year. With spray-on hair in full effect, Joe says he wants to take her out for her birthday. Things seem to be going just fine, until Melissa and Teresa are left alone in the kitchen. Melissa asks if Teresa wants this fun times and togetherness for their kids, and when Teresa says of course she does Melissa adds, "Keep being a good little girl and then we can all always be friends!" Not to be a Teresa apologist, but if Melissa was my sister-in-law I would probably punch her in the throat at some point. Joe mentions his Sizzle Tans billboard, and despite a little copycat snark from Juicy, Teresa seems perfectly happy for him. The kids all show their muscles to Tio Joe, and Milania screams about how cute Gino is. She wants a brother, but I think we can all agree that he world does not need more Giudice breeding.
Teresa toasts to happiness and harmony as the kids run off like nutbags. Melissa has some more wine and mentions what a lush she is lately -- "lately" -- before busting into the fact that she was recently at Jacqueline's house and Caroline spilled the beans about Teresa's promise to try to reconcile. Joe Gorga listens and drinks wine, and I begin to wonder if he also has a spray-on beard. He asks how long Teresa and Jacqueline have been friends, and notes that a 10-year relationship means something. Teresa recounts the ills that Jacqueline has committed against her, such as claiming on last season's reunion that Juicy is a cheater, and twittering mean things. She thinks there's a pattern, whereby Jacqueline is friends with someone and comes off as all sweet, but then suddenly gets ragey on them. It happened with Dina Manzo, and also with Danielle Staub. Teresa tells us that Jacqueline had 800 pages of Danielle Staub's court records faxed to her, and who has time to read all that? Especially in faxed format? ESPECIALLY if your shameful secret is that you can't read? Juicy is sick of this crap, and tells her to move on to the thing. Meanwhile, the kids are having a ball, and Joe is happy that things are going so well family-wise.
With that, we check in with Albie and Christopher as they're fixing up their new restaurant, Little Town, NJ. Their general manager, Kevin Hayes, is there, along with their business partner, Sean McGarr. Kevin shares his plan to have on the menu a giant ice cream sundae in a beach pail with a sparkler candle and a little shovel with which to eat it. Ah, so it's a health food restaurant. Sean thinks that they're within 30 days of opening, and Albie tells us that it's hard to pay rent with a non-existing check from a restaurant that hasn't opened yet. Chris and Albie talk about stealing staff from the Brownstone, and Chris notes that once word gets out how fun it is to work there -- when, assumedly, there is actually a there there -- their dad is going to kill them.
Meanwhile, Kathy and Rosie have a heart to heart about romantic things. Last season, Teresa claimed that Kathy didn't approve of Rosie being gay, but Kathy wants Rosie to know that that's not the case. Rather, Kathy didn't approve of the person that Rosie was seeing. Rosie says that Kathy knew she loved this woman, and even if she didn't care for her, she should have shut up about it. Rosie then breaks my heart as she interviews that she's 45, and very alone. She feels like she's going through life with no one by her side, and wonders when it's going to happen for her. Also, she REALLY wants to get laid.
We're then at the Hoboken apartment with Caroline and Al, who outright says that he hates the place. One reason he must hate it is that Lauren and Albie and Chris all have keys and show up at will. The family has some snacks, and Albie talks about a trip that's upcoming for BLK water (remember that???) and all the work being put into Little Town. Caroline worries that he's a workaholic, and warns him not to put so much focus on his professional life that he neglects the other, fun parts of being a human. Albie in turn says that he'll worry about his own happiness when he's ready to be happy. "I am going to defer happiness" is an interesting life strategy.
Basically, Albie wants to be able to put more than "law school dropout" and "freeloader" on his resume. Chris tells Albie that he's imposing all of this stress and anxiety on himself. They live the same life, and if Chris isn't totally exhausted and nervous, he doesn't understand why Albie should be. He tells us that Albie was always the golden child, while he and Lauren were under the radar. As it turns out, that's a good way to be. Caroline goes on to talk about how sometimes you need to take a break and have a sandwich, and Al tells her to stifle. Albie's going to do it how he wants to do it, and Caroline can't tell him to slow down anymore than she could have told Al to 20 years ago. He doesn't think it's right for red-headed louses to chastise motivated people, and in fact posits that they should shut the eff up. And damn. Did Al just tell Caroline to shut the eff up in front of his kids and ON CAMERA? Judging by the awkward silence, methinks he did.
Meanwhile, Melissa is having a photo shoot for her book cover. She wants it to be fresh with sexiness, and somehow envisions it involving a big white shirt. Yeah, I don't know. Over at Sizzle Tans, Joe is all oiled up. Rob Horndog, owner of Sizzle Tans, looks on appreciatively. Joe thinks it was stupid of Melissa to pass on this opportunity just because Teresa pissed on the Sizzle Tan territory already. He for one does not care, and acts like the biggest cheeseball in the universe, per usual. Back at Melissa's shoot, she walks down the stairs with a wind machine and sheer blouse. At Sizzle Tans, a sexy lady comes out to pose with Joe and he calls her a hot dog. He means that as a compliment. Melissa complains that her fan needs to blow more, while Joe does push ups with the model on his back. And then Melissa gets her shot, which is totally cliché and cheesy, even more so than an ad for freaking SIZZLE TANS.
We then cut to Jacqueline, who is out at the toy store with her other son, C.J. With all the attention focused on Nick, quality time with C.J. is important, and that's why she's embarrassing him in the middle of the toy shop and taking calls from Teresa during their special time together. Yes, Teresa. She opens by telling Jacqueline that her favorite friend is on the line, and I must admit that it comes as something of a shock that Teresa understands sarcasm. Jacqueline grabs a pretty hilarious Teresa-esque puppet and listens as Teresa says that she wants things to be civil between them again. Jacqueline says that she wants the hate to stop.
Teresa does not help matters by interviewing that sometimes you need to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Sigh. Jacqueline tells Teresa that if she has something to get off her chest, both she and Juicy are welcome to come to their house and talk about it. Teresa is not keen on going to Jacqueline's house, for fear that Caroline might once again show up with a giant iced coffee at 10 p.m. She suggests neutral ground, and promises that there will be no yelling this time. After they're off the phone, Jacqueline grills C.J. as to whether the drama in fourth grade is anything close to what she's experienced as an adult. And then she secretly thinks about trying to go back to elementary school. Meanwhile, the true sign that Jacqueline is losing it is that she didn't bother to wash her hair for this filming excursion.
And then the Wakile and Gorga families go to a lesbian bar to help Rosie find herself some poon. We get to hear Richie ask if it's called the Clam Hut, which is delightful as always. It's singles night at the bar, and there are colored wristbands indicating your relationship status. Melissa asks what DTF means, and clutches her pearls when she learns that it stands for "down to fuck." In an interview, Rosie hilariously tells us that she is NOT, in fact, DTF at this point. It's been six years! She needs to ease in. There are some snags in finding Rosie a match -- namely, that everyone the group encounters seems to be too young (which Rosie does not go for), bisexual (which Rosie does not go for), or swinging couples (which Rosie does not go for). Melissa and Joe might score with the swingers, though.
Richie finds a lovely lady named Ellen and her friend, and I'm sure butters them right up for this whole encounter. While the Wakiles and Gorgas lurk and watch, Rosie talks to Ellen about all the things she's got going on upstairs, and (I think) Kathy's desserts, and fried green tomatoes, and many other things. Richie notes that Rosie is so nervous she's getting drunk. He understands, because he's a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Yeah, I don't know either. Drunk Rosie confesses to Ellen that she's smitten, and also chunky. Eventually, Ellen says that she has to go. When Rosie gives her a hug, Ellen bids her adieu with a dismissive, "I'll call ya." I actually find it absurd that Rosie is not paired up. She's a delight! I mean, once in a while she'll displace all the cartilage in her hand by pounding it on the table in a drunken rage, but the other 70% of the time she's fantastic.
And then we're in Hoboken with Albie and Caroline. Albie is concerned about Caroline's concern about him. She promises that she and Al will always hover, which is not exaaaaactly what Albie wants to hear right now. He tells us that as the oldest son, there's pressure on him to step up and fill Al's shoes if and when the time comes. Albie notes that he's worried about Caroline and Al, who have only seen each other once a week for the past 35 years, may not know or like each other all that much, and need hobbies. Caroline stares him down, then says that they have their bumps, but without bumps life ain't living. She then interviews that Albie needs to focus on his own life, because her and Al's marriage is none of his business. Well I'm glad she's not defensive about it or anything.
After a brief interlude in which Melissa raps terribly much to the amusement of the family who participated in the lesbian bar excursion, Caroline heads over to the Laurita house. Jacqueline wants Caroline's advice about how to make it work with Teresa. Caroline explains that she just wants them to get to the point where they can walk into a room, see each other, and be civil. Jacqueline starts going on about how Teresa tries to deflect everything in her life onto everyone else, e.g., making noise about the Dina situation. Jacqueline is ready to go at Teresa and her knife of lies with a cannon full of truth, because her meds apparently haven't quite been adjusted yet. In any case, soon Jacqueline won't have to worry about any of this because Teresa will be in jail.
The family Giudice drive to the mall and talk about the lip gloss that Gia has caked on. When Teresa calls her lips big and juicy, Gia yells at her to shut up for the love of god. Her payback for that smart remark comes from Milania, who says, "When Gia has a boyfriend and they kiss her on the lips, they're going to be like…yuck! 'Cause all the spit come on him!" I don't know exactly what all that means, but I find it to be appropriately caustic. Gia then yells at Milania to be quiet, saying nobody wants to listen to her. That is 100% the opposite of the truth!
Anyway, Teresa mentions her meet-up with Jacqueline, and wants Juicy to come along and talk to Chris. Juicy has nothing to say to that effing mo-mo, but I guess he'll get roped into it anyway. They pass Joe's Sizzle Tans billboard, and when Juicy makes a crack about guys not being on tanning billboards, Teresa tells him that everybody beats at their own drum. Indeed. Also: ugggh, when will this episode ennnnnnnnnnd? Sorry, you guys, but every once in a while it just gets to me. We have officially hit the point when I start feverishly googling "Real Housewives of New Jersey season 5 finale date." Help. In any case, showing that Milania's sass is genetically imprinted into the Gorga DNA, when the Gorgas drive past the billboard Gino announces, "Congratulations, stupid." Melissa gives him what-for, and he yells, "It's just a billboard!" Maybe we can do a full-cousins spinoff, minus Gia?
And then it's time for the big meet-up, which is happening at a place called the Brick House. It's mighty mighty…well, never mind. But seriously, how am I supposed to get that song out of my head now? Joe and Chris split off from Jacqueline and Teresa, and Jacqueline announces her intent to leave this situation in peace. Teresa starts the conversation by ordering a glass of wine, then saying that when she made up with Jacqueline in Napa, she meant it. But Jacqueline overheard Teresa saying that she hated her and couldn't stand the sight of her face, so that's awkward. Teresa of course is still pissed that Jacqueline accused her of being instrumental in the Melissa strippergate setup of 2012, and thinks that she caused the rift between her and Joe. Jacqueline says that, according to the Gorgas, that wasn't the reason why they didn't talk to Teresa for a year, and she's sick of being blamed for it. She's also sick of Teresa not taking accountability for anything. In an interview, she mentions the gall of Teresa to blame her for the Gorga family issues and ends with a kind of scary, "Fuck her."
But there's more! Teresa thinks it's fucked up that Jacqueline accused Juicy of cheating, and Jacqueline suggests that they change the subject. But nay, Teresa thinks that Jacqueline should apologize. Meanwhile, Chris and Juicy sit downstairs and have a talk. Chris never had a problem with Juicy, until he told some sort of business associate that Chris was shady. But Chris is willing to let bygones be bygones because, strangely enough, he misses his relationship with Juicy. Juicy says it's all water under the bridge now and no big deal, and they cheers. Back upstairs, Jacqueline talks about the boundaries that Teresa crossed with her. She thinks that Teresa is a sociopath, which is a word that Teresa is unfamiliar with. Teresa, however, thinks that Jacqueline is a sociopathic Twitterer. She adds, "I realize that there's evil people out there. And I just feel like you're one of them." So, that should resolve things nicely. She did hold to her promise not to yell, though.
Jacqueline calmly argues that she is in fact NOT an evil person, and that's an awfully hurtful thing to say, but Teresa lays forth evidence about Jacqueline turning on former friends and trying to bring them down. This, she says, is an evil thing. Joe and Chris enjoy a cigar together, while Teresa and Jacqueline continue to argue. Teresa seems to be shocked that she has hurt Jacqueline at all, and asks exactly how. Jacqueline is hesitant, and Teresa wonders why she's holding back. With that, we're out, wondering which odious deep dark secret will come out .
week: Go karts! Milania makes a Melissa and the pole joke. Jacqueline has decided to get a tummy tuck. Ashle(e)(y) comes back. Caroline starts crying at dinner, things get even more heated with Jacqueline and Tre, and Gia has a sit down with Tio Joe.
Potes hopes that she lives to see this season's reunion episodes, but is doubtful. To send a message of hope please tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.