Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Kathy, intuitive genius that she is, posited that Jacqueline and Teresa still have issues that need resolving. The Joes came to blows in the Adirondikes, and Teresa called in the big guns -- e.g., Caroline. We were also introduced to famewhore psychologist Dr. Vajayjay, who was roundly noted as the last hope for Gorga sibling reconciliation.
We enter with Dr. Vajayjay telling Joe and Teresa that what they need is more time together, just the two of them. Because when it's just the two of them they probably won't beat each other bloody and hairless. Probably. Teresa cries as she says that she doesn't know if Joe wants to spend time with just her, and Joe grabs her head and hugs her. I should note that Teresa is crying for-real for-real. Like, ugly-crying. Joe says that Teresa broke his heart. He feels that she needs to put her dukes down, open up and change her ways. I still take umbrage with how the entire family asserts that all of their woes are 100% Teresa-driven. We watch the show! We know that they're all assholes!
Teresa pretends that she loves Melissa, which gives Dr. Vajayjay leave to invite her up. We cut down to the dining room table, where Melissa is complaining that the day was all about Jacqueline. She recounts for Caroline's benefit how Teresa took no responsibility for the family being broken apart, and how Melissa bent down and sarcastically offered to kiss her ring. That was weird, right? Caroline thinks so, and she says that everyone's hands are dirty. Dr. Vajayjay comes down and promises that she's not murdering Joe and Teresa. Pity, that. She takes a skeptical Melissa up to the therapy room where, left to their own devices, Joe is telling Teresa that she needs to talk nice to Melissa. Teresa claims that she gave Melissa her heart from day one and wanted her to be like a sister, but Melissa rejected her after she and Joe were married. And really, at this point, no one knows nor cares about the truth of their origin story. Except for the part that involves spray-on hair, which I still find endlessly fascinating.
Melissa sits down and starts shaking her head as Dr. Vajayjay says that Teresa and Joe were almost having a good time together. You know, because ugly-crying is fun, at least for therapists. Dr. Vajayjay mentions her advice that Joe and Teresa spend more time together, just the two of them, and Melissa says that while that might provide a temporary solution, the real problem is that Teresa never accepted her as Joe's wife. Teresa counters, saying that she accepted Melissa from day one. We then have little flashes of time-lapse therapy, some of which involve Dr. Vajayjay saying that Joe feels he has to choose between his wife and his sister, and others of which involve Teresa saying that she'll stop hanging out with Kim D. if Melissa stops hanging out with Jacqueline. All the while, Joe sits there fiddling with his lips, and eventually Dr. Vajayjay says that their problem is that they want to be in conflict. Ding ding ding! And this is why Andy Cohen loves them, despite (or because of?) their enduring dumb-assery.
Then they rehash all the rumors about Melissa that Melissa thinks Teresa had some part in spreading, but Teresa says were simply "out there." Melissa finds it suspicious that whenever some falsehood is dropped about her, it's always to Teresa. And also, I may add, to cameras. Dr. Vajayjay tells Teresa that if she's sitting with folks who say a nasty thing about her sister-in-law and doesn't do anything, she's a dumb-ass. I personally wouldn't rank that in the top 35 reasons why Teresa is a dumb-ass, but it's still valid. Dr. Vajayjay yells at Teresa to take responsibility. Teresa says that she is, but offers to recount exactly how things went down. Melissa wonders exactly how Teresa wound up at dinner with her old friend Jan, and of course the equation involves Kim D. Nobody answers my question about who the heck Penny is.
Dr. Vajayjay wonders why Melissa and Teresa don't confront Jan together. Indeed! Teresa is all for it, but Melissa says that Teresa doesn't get to be there when the seeds of dissent were planted, then come with her and be a hero when the wrongs are called out. Dr. Vajayjay tells Melissa to fuck the others, the two of them need to remain a united front. Teresa says that she would never want to hurt the Gorgas, and then Joe suggests that they recount specific hurtful things that Teresa has done. Upon Dr. Vajayjay's prompting, Teresa says non-specifically that she has done things, which I guess is enough for Joe and his "Nothin' but a good time" Poison shirt.
Meanwhile, the others play in the snow. Caroline notes that, with a professional in the house, there's no need for her to infuse herself into the drama, so she might as well enjoy a good snowball fight. Nobody accuses anybody of nut-biting in a snowball fight, after all.
Back in the therapy room, Dr. Vajayjay wants to hear Melissa's plan for the future. Melissa says that what she's being asked to do, and will agree to do, is to take everything that's happened and forgive and move on. Dr. Vajayjay says that she shouldn't do it because she's asked, but rather because she wants to. Melissa says that she's willing to meet Teresa halfway, and Teresa talks about the need to nip things "in the butt," which I'm sure is a plan that Juicy can get behind*. (*Pun alert!) Joe thinks this is the first time in years that Teresa is being real, and Teresa goes in for a hug with Melissa while "humorously" calling her a bitch. She also says that she seriously loves Melissa, and Melissa again intimates that she's willing to meet Teresa halfway. Dr. Vajayjay then makes them hug yet again before bringing up the elephant/human thumb in the situation: Juicy. Teresa goes to get him as Melissa -- and a nation -- groans.
When we return, Teresa has coerced Juicy into joining the family therapy session by telling him that Dr. Vajayjay is hot. Hey, you can't say that she doesn't know him. Juicy introduces himself as the only normal one there. Already rich with irony! Dr. Vajayjay asks what happened yesterday, and Juicy says that Joe might have felt a little intimidated when Juicy entered the room demanding an apology to Teresa, and charged him. They talk a little about how Kathy didn't want to break her new nose, and then Dr. Vajayjay asks where the passion is coming from. She asks Juicy if he finds himself often being drawn into the siblings' quarrels, and if he may overreact to protect Teresa. Juicy says that he doesn't like that Joe calls Teresa names, so will stick up for her. But who is there to stick up for Teresa when Juicy calls her the C-word? Only her limited brain capacity. Dr. Vajayjay thinks that other issues must be at play, and that he charged for a reason. Juicy corrects that he did not, in fact, charge at Joe, and of course the tape bears him out. He says that he didn't want the fight to happen, and then they debate for a minute about whether Juicy hates Joe. Juicy claims that he does not, except maybe during all the times when he does.
Dr. Vajayjay asks how the foursome can better stick together as a family. Juicy starts to say that they'll have to see what happens, and Dr. Vajayjay asks him to please play along. She also suggests that he tell Joe he's sorry if Joe ever felt betrayed by him. Juicy does, but only because he wants to leave. His exact words are, "Sorry if I betrayed you. Get over it." So heartfelt! What a giant of emotional and mental health! They do hug, and when Joe asks Juicy to apologize to Melissa, Juicy first tells him to shut the fuck up, but then does apologize, in a somewhat cursory manner. Teresa cries from happiness, and tells us that this is the first time in a year that she's felt hopeful that she and Joe can work it out. Juicy leaves, and everyone else hugs Dr. Vajayjay. Teresa attributes her success with the group to the fact that she's Italian, and then they all take a naked dip in a hot tub full of marinara.
Then we're outside with the Wakiles, and Rosie notes that you can ice fish on the nearby lake. Richie agrees to do it, if Dr. Vajayjay comes. He then attributes the two Joes' willingness to participate in therapy to Dr. Vajayjay's hotness, which isn't far off. He theorizes that they're talking about not getting enough love from their mothers and needing a hug from deep in Dr. Vajayjay's bosom, which shows a tactical acumen not seen in the Joes Gorga and Giudice. Dr. Vajayjay then comes out with a report, and to bid the crowd adieu. Kathy is pissed, because she had some family therapy issues of her own that she wanted to work out with a hot lady doctor. Fuck that, says Richie -- let's go fishing! It's great how he's so supportive of her emotional needs.
Back inside, Teresa thanks Caroline for coming even though she did nothing but participate in a snowball fight. Caroline's just glad that she entered a happy place. Teresa gives rave reviews of family therapy as Kathy sulks. Melissa attributes their relative success to the fact that Dr. Vajayjay told each of them to shut the fuck up at least once. Caroline is all, "Why didn't I think of that?" and files it away for the episode of "Caroline Rules." After Teresa thanks Caroline for being there, Kathy apologizes for the things she said about Teresa's dad at last season's reunion show. She also wants an apology from Teresa for what she said about Kathy's dad, which she gets. Kathy is shocked that Teresa is taking her share of the blame and, one would assume, pleased.
And then it's time for the ladies to cook while the guys and Rosie head out ice fishing. Caroline notes that things went from violence to kumbaya, and she kind of wishes that Jacqueline could have been there to experience the magic of Dr. Vajayjay. She in fact calls Jacqueline with the news that she's in the Adirondikes, and Jacqueline wishes her luck. Chris grates cheese and Jacqueline notes how glad she is that she stayed put in Franklin Lakes with no storyline.
We then join the dudes and Rosie as they go on an ice fishing expedition with instructor Donald Vilmar. Juicy asks what you do if you have to poop while ice fishing. Of course he does. Rosie asks if people die on the lake, and Mr. Vilmar says that they do, every year! Glimmer of hope! They all sit on buckets in the middle of the frozen lake, and Joe tells us how fabulous it is that his anger is finally gone. Back at the castle, the ladies cook Bolognese sauce and mushrooms with sherry sauce. It's like old times, says Teresa! Including the time-honored family tradition of Melissa standing around and being useless.
Out on the ice, Richie asks who they all think won the day's fight. Juicy says that they made up and are good, while Joe says that he was digging for Juicy's balls but couldn't find them. Mr. Vilmar, who I'd imagine is no stranger to shrunken balls, starts to look very disturbed. Joe then talks smack about Juicy's small dick, and Juicy asks Joe if he's going to cry again, and Rosie and Richie start to look nervous. Where is Dr. Vajayjay to tell them to shut the fuck up? Or some sort of super ice-shark to pull them down into the depths of the frozen lake? But no worries. Richie breaks the tension by talking about Rosie's pubic hair. And I quote: "I thought I was walking out on Soul Train after I seen that afro." Of course everyone thinks this is HILARIOUS, except for poor Mr. Vilmar.
Back in the kitchen, Melissa is intent on getting everyone wasted. Great plan, great plan. The men return, fish-less. Caroline is still wondering what the eff she is doing there. Melissa is drunk enough to start flirting with Rosie, and Caroline concocts her own sober escape plan. The food actually looks delicious. Melissa drunkenly speculates that Kathy is in fact a whore, and Richie tells Joe Gorga to grow some balls and shut his wife up. It's all good-natured, though, because now they love each other again. Juicy notes that he thought Chris and Jacqueline would be coming, and has a bottle of wine that they made together that he'd like Caroline to deliver to them. Teresa laments in an interview the fact that the two couples used to have good times, but now things will never be like they were. Richie suggests that Juicy give Chris a call, since the two of them should be able to resolve their differences quickly. Caroline tells us that she wishes that Jacqueline were there to get some sort of closure around her relationship with Teresa, and/or so we could see a table-flipping girl fight.
Meanwhile, Chris and Jacqueline are out to dinner. Jacqueline once again tells us how glad she is not to be in the Adirondikes, for if she had gone on the family therapy vacation, how could she be regaled with tales of the first time that Chris masturbated in his special sock? Chris then shares the info that Joe Gorga claims he first got laid when he was nine. Jacqueline's response? "Hopefully it wasn't with Teresa." I mean, she's only verbalizing the Flowers in the Attic scenario we've all been wondering about for two seasons.
Back at the castle, Rosie suggests that everyone do trust falls. She demonstrates with Richie, who catches her by the boobs. And squeezes. And keeps squeezing. I just…help. Rosie wonders why everyone is so curious to feel her up. Richie tells us just how drunk everyone is, and how it's just like old times. Caroline leans over the couch with a phone in her hand, in case she is called upon to dial 911. There is a lot of hubbub about the scenario involving Juicy trust falling into Melissa, who refuses to take off her giant stiletto heels. "Why I gotta do this shit?" asks Juicy. It's a thing I wonder every Sunday around 8:00 p.m. Rosie spots Melissa, but when Juicy falls on her they both still end on the ground. No one seems to have broken anything, sadly. Not even an ankle! Teresa wants Caroline to fall into her. Caroline wants to make a deal, and also ruin the good vibe of the evening. She says she'll do it if one day she can see Teresa and Jacqueline do it. Caroline is deliberately trying to catch Teresa off guard, and is rewarded by the tears in her eyes, which she thinks are indicative of the "real Teresa," as if any such creature existed.
In Franklin Lakes, Chris and Jacqueline stop trading masturbation horror stories long enough to talk about what might be happening in the Adirondikes. Chris wonders what would happen if everyone came back happy and Teresa wanted to make amends with Jacqueline. Jacqueline reminds Chris that he said the Giudices were pieces of shit, and she doesn't want them back in her life. She tells us that this is no argument, but the end of a friendship, and she's fine with that. Caroline weighs in via interview to say that Jacqueline does miss Teresa, but doesn't miss the conflict and the hurt that their relationship entailed. We cut to the Adirondikes, where Teresa says that if she does try to make amends with Jacqueline, it will be for Nicholas. Caroline only wants her to do it if she's doing it for herself. She came for Teresa's family, she says, but she's not going to leave her own behind. Eventually, Teresa agrees to the deal, and then her trust fall with Caroline is totally uneventful and disappointing. Not worth it! The scene ends with Joe Gorga throwing Melissa over his shoulder and taking her upstairs so they can bone. Charming!
Teresa and Juicy share a moment by the fire after everyone else goes to bed, and Juicy tells her that they have to give Jacqueline and Chris a pass and make amends. Teresa starts going on about the mean tweets, but Juicy doesn't want to hear it -- they're going to make amends and that's it. Juicy belches the wisdom that if she keeps bringing up the past, nothing will get resolved. He wants her to forgive Jacqueline. Teresa starts crying again, to Juicy's obvious disgust. But Teresa doesn't know how to get past whatever Jacqueline did to her. Meanwhile, Jacqueline frames the dissolution of their friendship as a lifestyle change. Juicy points out that Joe charged him, and he got past it, so the least Teresa can do is give forgiveness a shot. He says that it's time to end the bullshit. He doesn't like to get into these conversations, because he does have a soft heart and get emotional. He wipes his face, in a sort of approximation of feeling. Teresa says that she made him cry, to which he responds, "You didn't make me cry, bitch. I cry when I wanna cry." So, charming as usual. To top it off, Teresa suggests that they go take a Jacuzzi bath, and Juicy makes the same gross laugh as when he was on the phone in Napa talking about his cunt wife. Ah, memories.
week: Melissa runs over her kids with some big construction vehicle. Rosie encounters swingers. Caroline and Al are perhaps on the rocks, and Jacqueline and Teresa have a tete-a-tete without the aid of Dr. Vajayjay.
Potes hopes that she lives to see this season's reunion episodes, but is doubtful. To send a message of hope please tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.