PreviouslyonMasterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey:Teresa was feuding with everyone, and even Caroline -- she of the notable dysfunctional sibling relationships -- called the Gorga family a hot mess. Teresa, likely with the help of the genius/sadists at Bravo, decided that the family should go on some sort of spiritual healing retreat. Rosie wanted everyone -- including Caroline and Jacqueline -- to go, to which Jacqueline appropriately said, "Aw hell no." There were some hag friends who had a series of brunches with Teresa and/or Melissa and made everything worse --particularly for us, the viewers, who had to sit through their mimosa-laden tedium.
We enter at the Gorga house, where Joe and Melissa are teaching the kids how to be strippers. Hey, it's the family business, after all. Melissa is packing for the retreat, and says if nothing else comes out of it, she'd like Teresa to stop talking about them, and stop having weird brunches or dinners with her old friends who may or may not be named Penny. She tells us that Teresa is delusional, and plots schemes, then turns around and accuses Melissa of keeping the family apart. Melissa thinks that's bullshit. And, in fact, I do too. I think Melissa is a little more sinister than she likes to portray herself, but clearly this family does not need the help of outsiders to be thrust deeply into dysfunction junction. Joe says that Tre has to stop stabbing them in the back. He adds that Teresa basically always will hate Melissa, and tells us that Teresa has an army of hags that are dedicated to spreading lies about Melissa. I feel like the best outcome we could hope for from this retreat is the eradication of Kim D. from any nanosecond of this show. Melissa wonders how things will be between Joe and Juicy, and Joe says that his goal is to keep the peace by not looking at or addressing Juicy at all. Interesting strategy at a retreat designed to heal grievances. The kids pack their new stripper clothes in Melissa's suitcase, along with a bible and a picture of Jesus. She explains to them that they're not coming, but she will take the bible just in case. Don't forget the vial of holy water!
We then cut to the Giudice house, where Milania thrashes around like a crazypants and admits that she ate one hundred Twizzlers for breakfast. That actually sounds delicious. Milania: a genius for our time, per usual. Gia rolls her eyes and wonders if she was actually Hitler in a past life, for what else could condemn her to such a fate? Milania tries to pack herself in Teresa's luggage (no room for a Jesus picture there!), and then Juicy comes home. The girls instantly request that he "be the monster," and he runs around and chases them for a minute and it's all actually kind of cute. Juicy asks what this retreat is all about, in a manner that suggests he might not be so excited about the retreat. Teresa explains that she has relationship experts who will be on hand to facilitate conversations. Juicy is like, "Didn't you try that shit already?" Teresa explains that nay, she and Joe only went to therapy one very ineffective time. And broke the therapist, if I recall. Teresa admits that she's anxious about this whole thing, and wants the crazy fucking rollercoaster she's been on with her brother to finally end. I'm sure it will really help when Juicy decides to "be the monster" at the retreat.
Richie and Kathy are also packing, and when Richie expresses skepticism as to what this whole thing is about, Kathy says that they'll be there as a calming force. Because you know how calm things have been between Teresa and Kathy historically. Richie hopes that they've packed booze for the trip. I know I have! The Gorgas and Wakiles are apparently car pooling to the Adirondikes, in some sort of party bus. So, this will all end quite well, I am certain. Richie is doubtful that the trip will make any difference, saying that he's never heard Teresa admit to anything she's done wrong. He adds that he doesn't think she can even spell "retreat." At least she knows what it means, unlike some other people who are attending. Rosie is on the party bus, and thinks that the addition of some outside experts will be helpful. Because when it's just the family, there is basically a round of "Go scratch," then screaming.
The relationship expert that Teresa is bringing in is apparently named "Dr. V.," whom Melissa renames as, "Dr. Va-jay-jay." Rosie is not thrilled at how everyone is mocking the idea of the retreat, and says that they need to open up their minds and their hearts. Despite the bruised knuckles, she really is a softy. Richie says that the Manzos and Lauritas gave Teresa a pass by not coming, since they've been on the receiving end of Teresa's nasty comments about Melissa and Kathy. And then Joe starts talking about how Juicy is a fake, and we see captions of whispered remarks (by Melissa) to the effect of, "He doesn't love her. He's a cheater. He's an asshole. So he doesn't give a fuck what she does." She thinks that Teresa wants what Melissa has in her marriage, which actually may be true in a Flowers in the Attic kind of way. Rosie, the kindest one in the bus by 100,000%, says not to talk too much about their marriage, giving an opening for Richie to say that they don't have a goddamn marriage.
Meanwhile, Teresa and Juicy are driven to the Adirondikes in some sort of SUV. Teresa talks about the altercation she had with Jacqueline over the phone, which ended with Teresa daring her to come to the retreat. Juicy weighs in to say that Jacqueline is a whack job who texted him about how he and Chris could still be friends. What? Beefusses?
And then we are at Sun Castle Resort, commonly known as "The Overlook of the Adirondikes." As the Giudices approach, Juicy talks about how Joe's tanorexia has had an effect on his brain. He adds that he doesn't want to sit around listening to crap all day at the retreat. Maybe he can take a little break in Room 237. Juicy and Teresa are welcomed by innkeeper Scatman Crothers, and then Milania pops out of nowhere to wiggle her finger and growl, "Danny isn't here, Mrs. Torrence." Teresa hopes there are no ghosts in the hotel, since there's already a witch coming.
And then for a gratuitous moment we join Caroline at Lambert Castle with Albert. Al's dad apparently helped to build a park at Paterson Falls, where there is also a footbridge. There is some more talk about Al's dad, who died when Al was 23, and how Caroline thinks that all of Al's workaholic tendencies are to impress his memory. Al wants Caroline to walk over the footbridge to honor his father, even though she's afraid of heights. She sort of scampers across, then tells Al that this is the beginning of them doing fun things together. After having been married for 100 years, it's nice that they finally got the opportunity to do one fun thing. Al talks about how he can't retire since they need the money, obviously because none of their kids have real jobs and he's still supporting them, and the sister with a pet pig. Caroline really just wants him to take a few days off now and again, which honestly doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon.
Then we take a few gratuitous moments with Jacqueline, whose dog Santino has started to poop on the deck. It's a metaphor! Chris comes home and wants a snack, and instead Jacqueline talks to him about how she has no time for Teresa and her drama. It was like a kick in the stomach when Teresa accused Jacqueline of ruining the Gorga family, she says. Apparently, she fired off an impulsive tweet to the tune of, "When u argue w/ a moron, u become a moron. U have 2 rise above & remember who & what is really important in life. Some things don't matter. Let it go." Obviously everyone assumes that the moron is Teresa, though when you look at the totality of this cast the options are manifold. For his part, Chris is very glad that they're not on the retreat.
Speaking of The Overlook, the party bus arrives. Richie jokes that "numbnuts" will have an evening gown on. Is he talking about Shelley Duvall? They knock on the door and Teresa answers very sweetly, leading Melissa to call her a happy witch and then an evil stepsister. So, things are off to a good start. Teresa is surprised that Caroline and Jacqueline aren't coming, because she is, in fact, delusional. Kathy explains that it wouldn't be good for them to come, and besides Jacqueline is having a hard time with Nick. If she's so busy with her autistic child, says Teresa, then how does she have time to tweet that Teresa's a moron? Kathy is like, "…FOCUS." She doesn't think the tweet was great, but also doesn't want to get in the middle of it. Melissa claims that she doesn't even look at Twitter, and Teresa goes on and on about how she wants them to bring it up to Jacqueline. How many episodes do you think will be spent arguing about this tweet? I can't wait! Teresa gives a tour of the hotel, and everyone complains about how hot it is in the creepy rooms. For so many reasons, this is not the advertising opportunity that Sun Castle Resort expected.
The various couples retreat to their rooms to chat. Teresa encourages Juicy to be cool. Melissa tells Joe that she's going to follow his lead, and he says that the whole situation is awkward. Rich wonders why Rosie is now Teresa's beefusses, and Rosie says that she's not angry with Tre anymore. Kathy feels bad that their beef has trickled down to their parents, and so hopes that this retreat helps to fix the family. Richie then points out that there are plenty of morons in the world, so how did Teresa know that Jacqueline was talking about her? Juicy thinks that Melissa is full of shit saying that she doesn't go on Twitter, and that Jacqueline is in fact the moron. He goes on to say that they use Nicholas as an excuse, and that autism isn't a bad disease because "some of them are like scientists." Teresa looks VERY nervous while all this is happening, and gently tells him that he doesn't understand. She interviews that Juicy doesn't have a mean bone in his body and is just defending her, his cunt wife. Juicy confirms that he's there for Teresa, and not because he cares about making up with the Gorgas.
There's a lunch buffet, and hoo boy is it an awkward meal. Richie finally breaks the silence by asking what they have planned, and Rosie talks about the team builders they have coming to try to teach these people how to act like functional human beings via games and stuff. Then tomorrow Dr. V. will come to help them all communicate better. Teresa thought that the team building games would be a fun way to start off the retreat. Do the fun games involve furry costumes? I think Joe Gorga would enjoy that very much. Then Teresa and Melissa get into it a little bit, which in turn means that Joe and Teresa get into it a little bit, and Rosie tells everyone to just freaking wait for the team builders. Joe and Richie leave the room to get a drink (they serve themselves at the bar, which is marginally better than a ghost bartender), and Teresa doesn't think that Joe is taking this serious. Joe talks about the burning sensation of anxiety that he gets when he sees Teresa. I think that is actually crabs. Richie tells us that Teresa upsets everyone except for him and Melissa, because they don't give a shit about her. Juicy, meanwhile, is talking about his loud farts, which actually kind of breaks the ice a little.
And then poor Stephanie and Steve show up. They are the team builders, and Melissa instantly dubs them as, "Opie and Little Miss Sunshine." Everyone basically thinks they are very ill-equipped to manage this situation. I think so too, but when Stephanie said to Steve, "Got all the names down? When in doubt, Joe," I did think that maybe they would be okay. I was wrong, but I appreciated the glimmer of hope. Steve gives an intro to the group about his fifteen years of experience, and how he has been working a lot in the middle east where team building exercises are all the rage and working ever so well. He goes on about conflict not being a bad thing if you deal with it, and then everyone plays a game involving stepping on various colored pieces of paper inside a rope circle. Teresa describes its purpose to us as, "Team building… doing stuff as a family," before acknowledging, "It was kind of stupid." Juicy is enjoying himself, though, and Melissa theorizes that it's because his little chick-pea-sized brain could understand the content of what they're doing. Steve asks if there is still trust in the group and brings up the issue of loyalty, specifically between Joe and Teresa, which is a huge gargantuan fucking mistake.
Before things do go completely downhill, we get a mini-clip of one of the team building games which, I shit you not, is thumb wrestling. As a human thumb, Juicy gets to use his whole body, and it is quite something to see.
So, loyalty. Teresa says that she'll always love Joe no matter what he does to her, and he says that if she cuts out all the evil and bitterness they can at least not be enemies. In an interview, however, he says that she tries to hurt him behind his back and has no heart. Teresa then starts talking about Jacqueline again, and how she's not there, then gets into the incident at the Posche fashion show, because why not relive that one more time? Teresa of course feels that it's Jacqueline's fault that she hasn't spoken to her brother in a year, which the Gorgas deny. She doesn't enjoy it when Melissa butts in, and wants her to stop speaking for Joe and to generally shut the fuck up. Juicy interjects to quite sensibly say that if Teresa and Joe want to mend, they have to do it, and he and Melissa and Jacqueline need not be involved. He's just trying to get out of the retreat, right? Teresa continues to go on about Jacqueline, and eventually Joe and Melissa laugh about how Teresa never takes any blame for anything. At this point, Juicy invites Rosie outside for a sip. He's frustrated that Joe blames Teresa for everything that anyone says, and says that one day he (Juicy) is going to get really mad and lose it. He has promised Teresa's dad that he won't beat the shit out of Joe, but what happens in the maze of hedges stays in the maze of hedges.
Inside, Joe and Teresa are totally screaming at each other. Steve tries to intervene, to no avail. Poor Steve. Then Melissa gets involved and we get the scene that we've been promised for weeks, with her getting on her knees and begging Teresa to stop hurting them. And then, more screaming. Melissa screams that she forgives Teresa ("For what?" asks Teresa in an interview) and goes on and on about how she has no pride now and ALSO is not a total drama queen who is adding fuel to the moronic fire. Steve and Stephanie look awfully nervous, as they should. Melissa tells us that Teresa needs prescription drugs, and is a monster, and is always there when someone is talking bad about her. Teresa yells that Melissa wants to take her kids away, and Melissa in turn yells that Teresa is poison, and not the good kind of poison that Joe Gorga needs to expel twice a day. Oy.
Joe tells Steve and Stephanie that he appreciates their efforts, but it's a waste of time. Teresa in turn tells him that he's disappointing their family. She wants him to stick with his sister since blood is thicker than water, and then they play a game of shame on you/shame on me, which is incredibly popular in the whole Real Housewives pantheon. Melissa breaks in to ask why they would stick with the people who hurt them most. Teresa tells us that this all isn't coming from Joe, but from Melissa who has been chirpin' in his ear. Sqirpin' like a chirpin'! She thinks he's being a bitch. Again, she tells him to grow some balls and stick with his blood. Joe replies, "I ain't sticking with scum like you." Kathy interjects to say that wasn't right. At least he didn't tell her to go scratch? Joe doesn't care, and says that he's going to call her scum because she is scum, and then gets mad when she leaves.
Outside, Juicy is just telling Rosie how one day he's going to flip, when Teresa emerges saying that Joe called her scum. She wants to leave, but Juicy actually wants to go inside and tell Joe to apologize. He's quite calm and reasonable about this. Psych! He's totally 'roid raging, and when he goes through the door demanding an apology Joe Gorga just takes a run at him. And, I mean, Juicy really is quite a bit bigger than Joe, and so in a scene most reminiscent of human thumb wrestling (and not in fun game format!), throws him to the ground and socks him with a punch. The screen goes black as we hear the screams of Melissa entreating Teresa to help her brother.
time: Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
Potes hopes that she lives to see this season's reunion episodes, but is doubtful. To send a message of hope please tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.