Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Everyone was maybe getting divorced! Except Teresa and Juicy, sadly. And ironically! The Gorga feud continued unabated and, in the words of Rosie, "This bullshit gotta stop!" She and Teresa had a sit-down complete with stereotypical Italian hand gestures, and there was lots of screaming until they decided that the whole family AND the Manzo/Lauritas should go on some sort of cleansing holistic spiritual retreat. Somewhere in a yurt, Pema Chodron quaked.
We enter with Kathy in her rented by the hour industrial kitchen. At first she was pissed off at Rich for getting the space, but now she's mostly happy to have a room of her own in which she can dwell in powdered sugar and Rich-free solitude. Caroline and Jacqueline pay a visit so they can watch Kathy use her one mixer from home in the giant space. Kathy says that she has to learn how to use all the equipment in the kitchen, and Caroline claims that she's moving on to bigger and better things. Well, at least "bigger," since she tells us in an interview that the kitchen is off the beaten path and on the scary mugger path.
Then Rosie shows up to give them all an excuse to talk about Teresa some more. Rosie is hoping for pot brownies, to no avail. She then goes into gesticulative detail about her sit-down with Teresa, and when she shows the group the scars on her knuckles it gives us a chance to be absolutely floored by her lovely manicured nails. It's just clear polish, but they're totally clean and gorgeous. Table pounding and all! Apparently the cartilage in her hand got displaced in the table-pounding incident, but she managed not to break a nail. Then Rosie talks about the spiritual retreat, to which everyone is invited. Jacqueline's instant reaction is, "Oh fuck no," which is exactly the right instinct. She laughs, but is serious. Caroline is in agreeance, saying that she did what she could, and now it's out of her hands. Kathy just sort of nods a lot, so it's unclear where she stands. Except on a pile of butter.
With that, we're in Teresa's kitchen, where Gia is complaining about wearing a Fabulicious On-the-Grill apron. Teresa says it's fine since Gia is twelve and going through puberty, and Milania exclaims that Gia is having a baby. She is quite excited for the arrival of her first niece. The doorbell rings, and it's Teresa's parents. Her dad is out of the hospital, rocking the combover, and ready to make some sausage. For health! Teresa tells us that her parents raised her with a lot of respect, and she would never raise her voice to them. Joe, on the other hand, would scream at them in the middle of his own son's christening, as we have seen. Teresa thinks that she and Joe's feud is disrespectful to her parents. It's also disrespectful to our collective dignity as a nation, such as it is.
We then get to hang out with Joe Gorga and Richie at the driving range. As will come as no surprise, Richie is completely inept. Joe, however, likes to imagine smashing Teresa's face with his golf club. He says, and I quote, "When I'm frustrated with my sister...usually I have sex with my wife. But if you have a set of balls, you could blow it off. It's better to get it out than hold it in." Wait, one correction: he actually says "FUStrated." And then as if that's not gross enough in myriad ways, we cut to the sausage making festivities, where Teresa is basically giving a hand job to the sausage as it comes out of the machine in its casing condom. They're making -- I think literally -- 800 pounds of sausage, because when you're off the boat you need to keep vaguely sexual meat-based traditions alive. Teresa tells her dad not to drop dead anytime soon, which would be more likely if he wasn't eating so much sausage. In other news, Teresa's hair looks flawless.
Back at the driving range, Joe gets a call from Teresa. She feels bad about how they left things at the gym, when they yelled at each other and she threw water at him. To amend things, she'd like him to go on the aforementioned spiritual holistic retreat with her. And then fucking Joe asks what a retreat is. Do they exist in the actual world, these people? Teresa explains that it involves a lot of trust falls, which is basically true. Joe is still confused, and Teresa says that they need to learn to trust again. Joe is going to run it by Melissa. When she finds out that it's in a castle upstate, I'm sure she'll be all for it so she can use the time to film her new video inspired by "It's All Coming Back to Me Now." There were nights when the wind was so cold that it froze all of our sausages! Joe explains the situation to Rich, and Rich wonders if they're all going to go to Nepal . How about the Bermuda Triangle? Despite the fact that Joe wants to bash Teresa's head in with a golf club, he's willing to do it for the sake of his parents. He still doesn't understand about the trust falls, though.
Back at the Giudice house, Teresa explains to Juicy about her meeting with Rosie, which turned out well despite the displaced cartilage. She mentions the idea of the retreat, and Juicy is also puzzled. Maybe he and Joe Gorga can find some common ground in their lack of understanding of relatively simple concepts. Teresa explains that the retreat will involve meditation. And trust falls. She invites Juicy to fall back into her arms. He is rightly skeptical, and refuses to break his neck by falling backwards on the kitchen floor when he is not even drunk. Teresa is incensed that he doesn't trust her, and says that he definitely needs to go on this retreat. Can an asteroid fall on this retreat castle, perchance? Plague of locusts
We then join brunch with Melissa and her friends Jan and Maria. So, we can give one point to Melissa by virtue of the fact that her friends aren't as hag-like as Kim D. She talks about her book, which apparently will be called, Love: Italian Style: Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage. I don't know if there are actually two colons in there, but I wouldn't be surprised. Jan and Maria, two of Melissa's alleged "best friends in the world," look awfully skeptical. She explains that her husband has communicated with her so well over the years -- and, after all, we've seen his crack communication skills on display for two seasons now -- that she knows how men think. And then talk turns to Teresa. As it does. Melissa apparently received a text from Teresa congratulating her on her book deal. A tweet was involved as well. Now everyone thinks that Teresa is bipolar or, as Melissa theorizes, a pathological liar. She toots her own horn some more about the fact that her book is a BOOK book and not a cook book (but also maybe a hook book?), then says that she hopes Teresa reads the book because she can use the advice. BURN.
Jacqueline and Kathy shop at a boutique to relieve Nicholas-related stress through trying on garish animal prints. Kathy gets a call from Teresa and puts it on speaker. Teresa tells Kathy about the retreat, and Kathy mentions the idea of inviting the Manzos and Lauritas. Teresa says that she isn't really speaking to Jacqueline now, but if Kathy wants to extend the invitation then she should. I don't have to tell you that Jacqueline is lurking in nearby racks and hearing all of this. At this very moment, Teresa drops the concept that she's in this mess with her brother because of Jacqueline. Jacqueline grabs the phone and then they start going at each other about the Posche fashion show incident of 2012. The words "Don't call me honey, bitch," are dropped by Teresa, which begs for a response of, "Is bitch better?" from Jacqueline. The upshot is: these two HATE each other. Meanwhile, Kathy looks uncomfortable and tries to grab the phone. Teresa dares Jacqueline to come to the retreat, before calling her a stalker and a troublemaker. Jacqueline in turn calls Teresa a moron who needs help, which is not a wholly inaccurate assessment. Kathy is mortified that everyone else in the boutique -- and also the entire nation -- got to overhear this mess.
Oh God, and then Teresa meets with that hag Kim D. and some other friends who managed to crawl out from under their rocks and put on some false eyelashes of newt. And then some minion named Penny, who is a former friend of Melissa, has a story to tell. According to Penny, Melissa did something with an ex. Like...berry picking? Volunteering with underprivileged youth? Another of the hags says that Melissa had an affair, while Penny says that she whispered in his ear about how much she wanted him. Okay, first of all, those are two different things. Penny then says, "He admitted that she blew him." All class, these ladies! Teresa has heard this rumor before, and says that she confronted Melissa about it years ago. Melissa denied it. Teresa knows what it's like to deal with rumors about your marriage, and says that sometimes it's best to keep your mouth shut. Not WHILE blowing someone though. The correct version of events probably involves Melissa blowing the guy while twirling on a stripper pole. Teresa wants nothing to do with these discussions, particularly if they're happening off-camera.
Oh NO and then the Gorgas and Wakiles are taking an exotic dance workshop. Melissa is all, "I'm surprisingly good on this pole for having absolutely NO EXPERIENCE on it! Quelle suprise!" while Kathy just refuses to do any of it. As if the whole scenario wasn't extra-double-down grody enough (on top of the inherent grodiness that exists when they are just, like, going to the grocery store or mowing the lawn), Richie intimates that he would very much like to bone Melissa. He sits in a chair with his collar up while Melissa coaxes Kathy into doing her striptease. Kathy's potential Graves disease actually gives her surprisingly effective bedroom eyes. They then talk about what makes a man sexy, which to Kathy's mind includes taking out the trash and washing the dishes. Fair point, men of the world. Richie says that men cheat because their wives don't want to do the fun stuff. He is just racking up the points in this scene. And then Joe is gross for a while, too, what a shocker.
Like a fine non-sexual sorbet, we then transition to Caroline and Albert. They are at a restaurant, where Al orders fish for both of them. Surprise, says Caroline, she hates fish! They have not spent enough time together in their 30-odd years of marriage that he would know that, which is the secret to their success. Or something. Caroline wants to spend the night in the Hoboken apartment, which she sees as a getaway. Or a get-nearer, since it's ten blocks away from Christopher and Albie. Al thinks it's ridiculous, particularly given that there's a room for Lauren. In her signature deadpan way, Caroline says, "Come on. I'm not asking to be jetted all over the world. I'm asking you to enjoy this phase of life with me...before you friggin drop dead on me and all I have is an insurance policy and no memories. Thanks a million." Um, so, right. They then talk about the fact that if Caroline dropped dead, Al would remarry a 22-year-old bimbo right away. So, it's basically inspiration hour all around.
OH GOD and then we cut to Melissa and Joe talking about how much they enjoyed stallion-esque sexytimes with each other the night. Melissa says that Joe was like a big black stallion, and he wonders why the words "big black" must be involved. Um, so, right. Caroline, Jacqueline, Chris and the Wakiles show up, since it appears that Melissa is hosting a brunch. Talk turns to Jacqueline's "conversation" with Teresa, and then Rosie arrives. She's late because she got lost -- further evidence of how close she is with the Gorgas and how often they have her over. Rosie is relatively pro-Teresa these days, and definitely pro-retreat. She explains that the retreat is in a castle in the "Adorondike" mountains (stop it, too easy) and Melissa asks if they will have some sort of facilitator/mediator. I recommend Suze Orman, and maybe the contemplative Indigo Girl (Emily, duh). Maybe lightning will hit the castle, and they'll all reflect on how there were nights when the wind was so cold...that it put a thin layer of ice on Melissa's stripper pole. You can never have true empathy until you've walked in the shoes of another. Jacqueline reiterates that she wants no part of it, and has the full support of Caroline on this decision.
Melissa then meets with the Eartha-Kitt-meets-a-rat-faced friend of Teresa, Jennifer, who was around for the whole Kim D./Melissa affair rumors dinner. It turns out that Jennifer asked Melissa to lunch, and also that she was that real estate person who came to the Gorga house a few episodes back and laughed at their busted fake marble sink. Jennifer recounts the evening out with Teresa, Kim D., et al, in which Penny spread that old-ass affair/blowing the ex rumor. And...wait...I guess the friend Jan from Melissa's earlier brunch out was also at that dinner with Kim D. and Penny and Teresa? I can't tell unequivocally, as all of these women look like particularly bedraggled convenience store beef jerky to me. Jennifer says that Teresa wasn't the one who put the nasty rumor out there, and that Kim D. is the one who really has it out for Melissa. In the end, what none of these people (including Melissa!) realizes is that no one gives one-one-hundredth of a rat if Melissa had an affair, was a stripper, has a real marble sink, sniffs her toenails, is functionally illiterate like the rest of them, etc.
Wait. Then we are out for cocktails with the Gorgas, the Lauritas, and the Wakiles. Melissa recounts the tale of how her best friend Jan spread rumors of the affair at the evening with Kim D. et al. But...wait. Who the hell is Penny? I am so confused. Really, all of these bitches should be named, "Rumor-Spreading Plot Vehicle." I know it's kind of my job to clarify all of this for you, but I am not rewinding this shit. It's a holiday weekend! Have I not sacrificed enough? Where is MY independence...from grodiness? Of course Joe blames Teresa for the rumor mongering and Jacqueline serves up a double-shot glass of sarcasm about how coincidental it is that Teresa is always around when nasty rumors about Melissa fly. She then theorizes that Teresa is legit crazy and needs help. Oh God, and then that hag Kim D. shows up at this establishment. I feel like she probably just drives around New Jersey following the camera crews, rubbing her gnarled hands together, and moaning, "Preciousssss...."
Joe calls Kim D. over, and though I don't normally condone violence I DO sort of have a glimmer of hope in my heart that someone will punch her straight in the throat. Melissa confronts Kim D. about Jan/Penny and the rumor, and Kim D. says that it's not her fault if Melissa's friends don't like her anymore. Well, that IS a salient point. While all this is happening, Jacqueline goes on and on about how horrible Teresa is, which is further evidence to Kathy that she needs to go on the healing retreat. And also probably adjust her meds. Maybe they should all zip themselves in the hyperbaric oxygen chamber and see who makes it out alive. Melissa and Joe French each other to prove that their love is unbreakable, which even grosses out grodiest of humans Kim D. Joe tells us that he in no way believes that Melissa ever cheated, but he DOES believe that Teresa is the puppetmaster behind all of these rumors. So now he plans on going to the holistic spiritual retreat so they can confront her. Just as the Buddha would have envisioned. Melissa then compares their whole situation to a big whitehead that needs to be popped. Because everything that happened in this past hour is not quite at the apex of grodiness. You can always push it further! Strive for excellence.
AND THE EPISODE IS STILL NOT OVER. Gah. Help me. So, Jennifer and Teresa have lunch, and Jennifer shares that she shared with Melissa all that was shared at the Kim D. / Jan / Penny dinner. Like a circle in a circle, like a wheel within a wheel. Jennifer's motivations for doing this were to gain Melissa's trust and get the listing for her crunk house. Noble, and so smart to do it all on camera. Teresa is not amused, and is concerned that they'll think she was the one responsible for bringing these rumors to light. And she would NEVER do anything to hurt her brother and sister-in-law! NEVER! Jennifer suggests that she should speak to the real shit-starter, Kim D. Please God, no more camera time for her!
week: The ghost of Adirondike Castle throws all of the Gorgas/Giudices into Lake George, then enjoys a celebratory Melissa Etheridge concert with Rosie.
Potes hopes that she lives to see this season's reunion episodes, but is doubtful. To send a message of hope please tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.