Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Al Manzo tried to impart to Christopher and Albie that the key to success in opening a restaurant was grilled cheese rounds. They remained unconvinced. Melissa has a book deal, God help us, and debated whether to include the nitty gritty dirt about her philandering father in her magnum opus. Jacqueline was constantly crying about her son Nicholas's autism, Rosie did every stereotypical Italian hand gesture you could think of, and the Gorga siblings continued to be a horror show. Many thanks to Angel for covering last week's episode!
We enter with Melissa, talking to her daughter Antonia about the book that she's writing and almost squeezing out a tear in the process. She tells us that watching what her mother went through has made her adamant that no such thing (e.g., philandering, desertion, general misery) will happen in her home. She doesn't want Antonia to see what she had to see growing up, e.g., wondering why daddy went to 7-11 on Friday and didn't come back until Tuesday, and with no milk to boot. Joe then rolls up to the driveway, and we hear him muttering, "Bitch...bitch..." because he is still apparently in the midst of a Teresa-gym-sighting 'roid rage moment.
Once inside, the two get Antonia out of the room before discussing the gym encounter. Joe is pissed that Teresa came up to him and said hi like nothing was the matter, despite the fact that that's what functional people do in public. Not that I'm actually saying that Teresa is a functional person. Joe recounts Teresa's complaint that Melissa "twittered" a nasty thing about her bankruptcy, and is actually surprised to find out that this is true. We see visual proof of the tweet, which was designed to give Teresa a taste of her own medicine after the incidents of Gia's birthday party. So now Joe is also pissed at Melissa for giving his parents yet another reason to hate her, and for stooping to Teresa's level, and for talking shit about his only sister. This from the guy who was muttering "bitch" all the way home. Can they please all just get swept up in a tornado? Or flattened by a series of giant falling anvils?
We then cut to a place called The Sports Factory, where the Giudice girls have gone to play soccer. Milania comes bursting out of the car in full athletic regalia, which is pretty much the cutest thing, and is also donning a side ponytail, which is of course a known favorite of Andy Cohen. As if he needs more reason to give Milania her own spin-off! And speaking of Andy Cohen, please tell me that you all watched Cher on Watch What Happens Live. It was a gift from the universe, for sure. I never wanted it to end! Thank you goddess, for giving me renewed hope in this world. No thanks for then making me watch this show, thus taking it away again. Can Cher's wig from The Voice save this show? Could Rosie rock it with her signature ascot, thus bringing peace to Franklin Lakes?
Anyhoo. As Milania and Gabriela go through some soccer drills with their coach, Teresa tells Juicy all about her encounter with Joe at the gym. She says he was a jerk, which he really was. Juicy tries to say that Joe has a Napoleon complex, which Teresa takes to mean that he is bipolar. Eh, if the shoe fits. Juicy tries to explain to Teresa who Napoleon was. I'm sure in Singapore they will use this clip to illustrate the notable struggles of the American education system. Teresa starts complaining about how much control Melissa has over Joe, and Juicy busts out a lovely bon mot about how Melissa straps one on and sticks it in Joe's ass. Perhaps not the most appropriately bleacher conversation at little league soccer practice, but most likely accurate. Teresa tells us that Joe has been brainwashed by Melissa, but I am doubtful since that would require him to have a brain. And then we get footage of Milania being a nut on the soccer field, which is the best and subtly shoving us in the direction of Team Teresa.
Jacqueline, Caroline, Kathy and Teresa then head to some sort of spa or salon opening and Jacqueline gets her eyebrows threaded. Fascinating times! Teresa calls Caroline to tell her how she saw Joe at the gym and he treated her very aggressively, which is odd given Caroline's message that he wanted them to make up. Caroline gently suggests that maybe they need professional help. They of course already tried couples therapy, which didn't go so well, and Teresa suggests that maybe they need to do some sort of holistic healing. How about if someone just hits both of them on the head with a hammer and sees what happens? Seems holistic enough to me. Caroline thinks they should go for it, but says that she's taking this as her cue to butt out. Finally!
Oh wait, but not quite yet. First Caroline has to report to the other ladies that Teresa just called her. Jacqueline yells that Caroline has killed her boner. Can't anyone on this show just remain silent one time? As someone who is used to boner-killing, Caroline is unfazed. She goes on to tell the ladies about how Joe was reportedly very aggressive to Teresa at the gym. Rosie looks puzzled as to why extreme aggression is considered problematic. She does, however, note that she grew up with Teresa and cares about her, so this family feud bullshit has to stop. For her part, Jacqueline would rather have someone remove each of her eyebrow hairs with a blowtorch than hear any more about the Gorgas and their issues.
After a break, we are in Richie and Kathy's kitchen. He's got cannoli boxes. And that's not a euphemism. She doesn't care for his plain white cannoli boxes, wanting something a little more decorative. But he's already paid for thousands of the stupid plain ones, because why would he consult with her before doing something having to do with her business? Kathy is selling her cannolis nationally, it turns out, and Richie is her business partner. They've obviously set some clear ground rules about how decisions are made. Richie tells Kathy to trust him, and she says that they're not selling gasoline. Oooh, burn. In turn, Richie cuts Kathy's pretty ribbon and calls her pretty box garbage, then more or less interviews that she's a housewife with no business sense of her own. Kathy tells us that Rich needs to be in control, which was fine in the past. But now sisters are doing it for themselves, and Richie had better watch it. What would you give for Tabatha to take over Kathy's cannolis? I think it would go something like: "Here's your cannoli. Fuck off."
Speaking of specious food endeavors, we cut to Caroline with Lauren, Albie and Christopher in the kitchen of her Hoboken apartment. Christopher is rubbing butter on half of a loaf of bread, and is actually holding the top of the butter stick with his naked hand. Caroline rightly calls it nasty, and Christopher argues that he is inherently nasty. Touché, my gross friend. Caroline tells the kids that Al suggested they go to Europe for a month, which is apparently quite a change from Al's typical schedule of working all the time and never talking to Caroline at all. The kids make it sound like a hardship, but frankly, I bet that has been the secret of their success. The fact that my parents have worked opposite shifts for years is, I think, 90% of the reason why they're still together. Albie and Christopher argue that Caroline and Al barely know each other, since they're only together once a week. Caroline argues that it's quality and not quantity. Somehow the family Manzo segues to Christopher saying that he never wants kids, especially girls, because from ages 10-25 it's terribly hard work to make sure they don't turn into whores. Lauren pipes in to say that she was fat during her whore years so didn't get to make the most out of them, and then everyone agrees that fat girls are blow job queens. Except for Lauren, allegedly. And then everyone gets to talk about exactly how fat Lauren was, and it's just like old times!
We then join Rosie and Joe, having a drink at a local watering hole. Rosie wants to talk about pussy, specifically, the lack of a second one in her life. She drops the fact that she hasn't had sex in six years, and attributes her fits of rage to her accidental celibacy. The cousins bond as hotheads who can't help themselves, but also feel bad about it. Rosie, who I think is actually the best interview on the show, tells us that she and Joe are both soft in their hearts but have bad tempers. The moral of the story is, don't fuck with them. Talk turns, as it always does, to Teresa. Rosie argues that if Joe really wants to reconcile with her, he needs to take a softer approach and perhaps even say something positive. He's not feeling it, and Rosie tells us that though she's protective of him, Joe has a stubbornness that needs to be shut down. She says to Joe, as everyone has, that he's got to make a real go at a reconciliation before his parents die, and even offers to call Teresa on his behalf. I guess the season won't be over until every member of the cast tries to reunite these assholes. Joe agrees to give it one more shot, but tells us that before any progress can be made he needs Teresa to admit what she has done wrong. I'm not sure exactly what that is, other than being a scourge on humanity like everyone else on this show. He seems to think that ultimately it's hopeless. If I had half a shit left to give, I might have an opinion on this matter.
And then we are treated to sad times hour with Jacqueline and Nick. Jacqueline is trying to work with Nick like the therapist told her to do, and get him to say when he wants something (namely his first love, the iPad). He gets frustrated and starts hitting himself in the head, and then Jacqueline gives him the iPad and cries. She explains to us that there has been a lot of progress, but the setbacks are always frustrating. Chris tells her to stay strong for Nicholas's sake, but she's feeling extra pressure since she's made all this so public. Both Chris and Jacqueline feel lost at times, and it's frustrating because they think they should know how to help Nick. In the end, Nick gives both of them kisses, and then probably calls the iPad "mama."
Back at the Hoboken apartment, Al turns on a burner on the stove and complains about the small flame. He actually calls it "a cramp in the dick," which I am now going to say incessantly. Thank you, Al Manzo! We all know how much Caroline loves the Hoboken apartment, but Al isn't so sure about it. Apparently Al would really like to be in Manhattan, but Caroline says Hoboken is "easier." Unless you want to actually cook something, apparently. They talk about how great their kids are, and then we transition to Lauren "working" at Cafface. I don't think I have to tell you that there are no clients there. Christopher and Albie come in looking for some hair gel. Lauren doesn't want to make any recommendations since they'll just take the product without paying, which is a real cramp in the dick. They talk about whether Lauren is going to marry Vito, and she tells us that while her life revolved around him a year ago, now she's focused on her "career." She's not ready for marriage, or to soil her wild oats. Yes, I did mean to say "soil." Back in Hoboken, Caroline is concerned that her kids are all putting work as their first priority. She notes that Al did that, and missed out on a lot of life. In fact, he's still missing out on a lot of life. Al does not agree that living to work is problematic, and then a fire alarm goes off before Caroline can ask for a divorce.
Speaking of divorces, Richie surprises Kathy by taking her to a commercial kitchen, owned by a young sketchball named Jacob. Apparently Richie has rented Kathy this place. Though I guess you rent it by the day or by the hour, which works for high class hotels so why not. Kathy is again peeved that Richie is making decisions without regard to her wants, needs, or opinions, and Richie is in turn peeved that Kathy doesn't appreciate his efforts.
We then join Teresa, who is pecking away at a computer to prove to us that she does indeed write her own blogs. Totally convincing! She also wants to fend off rumors that she doesn't cook. Does it count as a rumor when her brother says it directly to her face on camera? In any case, Teresa gets a call from Rosie. Rosie wants to iron some shit out once and for all, and invites Teresa to get a drink. Teresa is hesitant, given that Rosie actually threatened to murder her on camera at the reunion show. But Rosie is family, and you always have to be ready to forgive family. Teresa tells us that in the worst-case scenario, Rosie will stab her over 100 times. Apparently she is willing to risk that very real possibility.
Melissa's mother and sisters come over with some old family photos for Melissa's book. Melissa looks troubled, and tells us that she doesn't want to air her family's dirty laundry unless she has their approval. She mentions how she has to get into how the death of her father changed her, and perhaps get into her trust issues from things that went on when she was young. Her mother asks how much she's thinking of putting in the book, and what she's going to say. Melissa has apparently already written one paragraph (I'm sure the publisher will be thrilled that she has one paragraph done! Only 800 more to go!) about how when her father was in the mood to party, he'd leave for three days. Melissa says that she wants to include it in her marriage advice book, since the fear that her husband will cheat made her into the all-pleasing sex machine of a wife she is today. She feels that including that bit of personal history is crucial, and her mother tells her to do what she has to do. Given that they're talking about this on camera, did anyone really have doubts about the outcome of that discussion?
Back at the Wakile house, things are getting even more heated. Richie complains that since Kathy has started a career, the house is going to shit. She points out that it's his mess, and she's merely stopped picking up after his dirty ass so much. Furthermore, she has a cramp in her dick about the fact that Rich makes decisions without consulting her, likely because he won't like what she has to say. Kathy tells us that Richie is having a hard time adjusting to the fact that she's no longer a housewife. He argues that she doesn't appreciate his efforts to get her cannolis out of the kitchen. And you know, I thought this was all for the cameras, but then Kathy sort of chokes up in an interview as she says that Richie isn't going to change, and after 21 years she's not sure if she can take it anymore. New nose, new attitude! Then they bicker some more, and it's dick cramps all around.
And then it's time for Rosie and Teresa to meet up at the Dick Cramp Café. Teresa wants wine, but Rosie gets her some sort of fruity concoction instead. That's some sort of psych-out power play, right? Rosie then wastes no time in saying that every time Teresa's name comes up in conversation, she gets very fucking angry. Why do these people work so hard to make me feel bad for Teresa? It's not a position that comes naturally to me, or that I like to be in. Thankfully, it doesn't last too long. Rosie's real problem is the problem that Teresa has with Kathy, and apparently their feud is at least part of the reason why their parents have such cramps in their dicks and are no longer speaking. Teresa blames Kathy for where they are now. She claims that she's over it, but her dad can't let it go. Rosie wonders, with burgeoning rage, what her mother has to do with any of it, since she didn't say a word about Teresa's dad. Teresa says that her dad needs time and Rosie points out that one of them is basically going to drop dead any minute. That person is going to be Teresa, since she puts the blame on Kathy one too many times and Rosie gets VERY upset. She starts pounding on the table, and everyone else at the bar is like, "...Uhhhhhhh." But this is just the beginning! Soon Teresa squawks something about Kathy and her dad, and then Rosie starts screaming, and then they try to determine who will really be the guilty party when one or all of their parents drop dead or a chronic dick cramp. I will tell you one thing: when I drop dead from recapping this show, they will ALL be to blame.
After a commercial break, Rosie is still yelling. But she's yelling out of love now, saying she can't understand why they can't just be a family and lift each other up instead of bringing one another down. Then she knocks a drink on her phone, which calms things down a bit. Talk turns to Joe, and Teresa mentions the gym incident and how Joe brought up Juicy calling her a see-you--Tuesday. She points out that she can't say a word about Melissa, but everyone talks major shit about Juicy right to her face. Well, he IS a total miscreant. Teresa brings up the idea of the holistic healing weekend, and Rosie's eyes get really wide. She thinks they should turn it into a family vacation, including the Manzos and Lauritas. Oh man, the holistic healing people don't even know what's coming. And then they laugh about how Rosie's hands are all busted up from pounding the table. They hug before leaving, and Teresa wonders why everyone can't have such productive explosions of rage.
week: The Dalai Lama rejects the Gorga's application for the Everybody Welcome Holistic Healing Retreat. Christopher gets an actual cramp in his dick.
Potes hopes that she lives to see this season's reunion episodes, but is doubtful. To send a message of hope please tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.