I Work Out... Sorta

S05E04

Rosie, wearing a little pageboy hat, is doing copious amounts of shots and kissing a hot married woman... and her husband. I'm pretty sure my liver would immediately stop working if I drank half as much as Rosie does on the regular.

Rosie steps into Kathy and Richie talking about Teresa. Rosie loudly suggests that they should be fucking done with her, if she's done with them. Repeatedly. Richie and Jacqueline step away as Rosie gets more belligerent and starts making obscene gestures. Victoria tries to diffuse the situation, as Rosie then goes over to the Manzos to slur her thoughts on Teresa. Kathy says that Teresa isn't even there and still ruined the night. Sounds about right.

At Get Fit, the infamous gym, Teresa is working with her trainer on TRX, and to her credit doing about a hundred times more than Jacqueline did during her workout though she is wearing at least five times more makeup. She gets distracted, though, when she sees her brother. Her trainer tries to keep her focused but his loud grunts are hard to ignore. She says that her father would be pissed if they were in the same room and didn't talk. She goes over to offer to spot him and he's afraid she's going to drop it on him. They admire each other's bodies for a while. She says she works out because of her dad's heart disease, and he says he works out because of the stress that Teresa causes by creating this giant rift in their family. You know, I never side with Teresa but in this situation she was trying to keep it light and didn't antagonize at all, and then Joe brings up the Nono situation and starts saying that Teresa is obsessed with Melissa, and puts Teresa on the attack.

Teresa brings up a slam about rented Chanel bags and bankruptcy that Melissa made on Twitter and Joe insists that Teresa puts evil 140 character slams out there too, but T insists she doesn't. She says she's trying to be a bigger person and stay out of Melissa's way for the sake of their family, and this leads Joe to say that he's not pussy-whipped. Teresa brings up the moving thing and Joe says he wants to move as much as Melissa does because Teresa trash-talks her sister-in-law so much and Gia's already started repeating it and that's a trickle-down effect to all of the kids. Teresa says that it's fine because everyone knows that Melissa lip-syncs so she doesn't get why her saying that's a big deal. He questions the authenticity of her ability to cook the food in her books, given that her parents do all the cooking, and she gets really angry. He counters with her awful comments about Melissa being a pig and a whore and a stripper. Teresa says she'd never say those sorts of things about her sister-in-law. Can we go to the video flashbacks here? I feel like there must be some sort of evidence. Joe says that by giving the information to her friends and husband and letting them say it, she's just as guilty. Joe say he respects his wife and would never call her a cunt like good old Juicy Joe does. Okay, point for Joe Gorga there.

Kathy is baking with Rosie and her mom. Rosie is not wearing a signature ascot today, but she is drinking. That's an even trade. Kathy is planning Victoria and Richie's birthday. Vi's gonna be 20 and Richie will turn 50. Rosie suggests a non-alcoholic place in the city, then says it's too Amish for her. Kathy rolls her eyes and says she's just going to have it at a nice local restaurant. All the better for fighting at. Rosie just wants to drink and smoke. Kathy then blathers on that her kids went to the hospital and says that Nono was thrilled. Kathy's mom stares at her food, ignoring her daughter. She's great. Kathy says that the mom isn't talking to Nono and that time is not healing all wounds in this situation. Rosie spews a profanity-filled rant about how they should all just keep it in their home because it's like talking to a brick wall. Eventually their mother says to shut up, she doesn't like talking about it and all the cursing is interrupting her meal.

In Hoboken, Caroline marvels to Albert that they'rejust so close to the city and, isn't that amazing that they didn't realize that when they moved in months ago, off-camera? He talks about the weather. They enter a construction site for a restaurant called Little Town, NJ. It's... still got a long way to go. This is Christopher and Albie's new venture with a "bunch of great guys", who apparently didn't agree to be on camera. It's locally sourced food and Jersey-inspired food, and Christopher explains he's getting back to his Brownstone roots. Chef Andrew looks like he's over all of this. Caroline has to explain to us that blk water isn't doing quite as well as the boys would like. Shocking, I know. And now they going to do something where she may not have to support them because they could conceivably draw a salary.

The food tasting begins and a hypercritical Albert starts giving advice on the menu. Christopher thinks his father doesn't know the kind of quality they are going for at their new crack establishment. The father who runs a successful food-oriented business. Interesting business plan, Christopher. Chef Andrew just graciously takes all the suggestions. Caroline questions how much time they will have to devote to this restaurant when they've got blk and probably a million other half-assed projects. They think they've got it under control with a tag-team plan, which may be that Christopher goes out drinking while Albie does all the work. Caroline seems to think her boys are brilliant (obvi) but maybe begins to question their work ethic a little bit. Finally.

We're in the city with Melissa, and she's at her book publisher's office, where they are panicking because her book deadline is looming and she hasn't turned in a page. She says she's been up late nights working on it, but doesn't offer anything that looks like a manuscript as proof. Perhaps this is a scenario where knowing how to use a calendar would actually be beneficial. She can't even accurately describe what the "book" is about without some hesitation. She thinks it may be about how to keep a husband happy, but it doesn't sound like she's actually written anything. She explains that her advice book is totally different than Teresa's cookbook. Hers will be a real book. If she ever gets it done. One of the editors politely, and pointedly, just lays it out: Tell us stories about your life that haven't already been hashed out in the tabloids or on TV. Joe, who is here for some confusing reason even though this is her book, pipes up that there should be more sex. All of these conversations should have been had at the first meeting about the book... not when the deadline is imminent. Also, who gets to bring their spouse to a meeting? Unless he's ghost writing it... in which case I need to read this amazing piece of trash stat.

One of the editors brings up her father and how that relates to her current issues with men. Naturally the always professional Melissa starts tearing up as she explains that her dearly departed father was the kind of guy who would go out for a carton of milk and come home a few days later. So she's got trust issues, which looks like it may be news to Joe? Or maybe he's just still having gastrointestinal issues? It's hard to tell from the perplexed look on his face. Her editor wants to know if the daddy issues will factor into the book, and she thinks maybe she doesn't want to get into her past. He says it will sell books, or whatever, but first maybe she should write this piece of nonsense.

Jacqueline is not in a hyperbaric chamber; she's got a woman named Jolene over to do some personal training at her house in her home gym. She doesn't like doing squats at the gym because people stare at her ass. She says that her Botoxed face doesn't like working out and she's trying to change it to a mad expression. Maybe she needs some Mrs. Potato Head angry eyebrows. Then the conversation turns to Teresa. Jacqueline starts talking to a reluctant Jolene about how she went to Teresa's gym and how Jolene used to work Teresa out. Jolene (and yes, I'm singing the song in my head right now to get me through this insufferable conversation) says she mostly just felt bad for Teresa. Jacqueline insists that she's not a stalker by going to Teresa's gym.

Jacqueline shit talks while Jolene desperately tries to get her to do some tricep curls, or anything. She doesn't seem to understand that she's being paid to just agree with Jacqueline and not perform her actual job here. That one squat Jacqueline did was probably as good as it gets. Jacqueline then starts going on and on about how Teresa is now giving talks on marriage at bridal expos (sign me the hell up for those) in response to Melissa's non-existent book. And how she got a book from a friend that defined the word sociopath as related to Teresa. Can someone buy her a dictionary that explains "oblivious," because Jolene looks pissed as hell to be dragged into this nonsense, and you really don't want to anger a woman who could bench press you. Maybe we could hook Jolene up with Chef Andrew. Anyway, Jacqueline finally stops her diatribes and decides to meditate by lying down on her back and taking a nap. Personal training money very well spent.

Teresa is at the nail salon with her mother-in-law Filomena getting mani-pedis. She asks for advice on what to do with her brother. Filomena says that no matter what, they need to suck it up for the kids. The topic turns to Melissa's infamous book, and Filomena thinks that dressing up like a prostitute isn't keeping a sexy marriage. She's got some charming Italian proverbs about spitting to share. I think I might like more of Filomena.

At the Waikele home, Kathy is baking. We learn that this is the year BEFORE Rich turns 50 and Victoria turns 20. So this is their 49th and 19th birthday party respectively and totally special and worthy of this overblown nonsense. Rich still "jokes" to Victoria about how she stole his birthday and thunder, proving that Kathy is really raising three children. He also says that Victoria must be going to hazing parties because he saw a funnel in her room. Perhaps she's just a normal teenager... who needs to learn to hide her crap better.

Melissa is vacantly staring at her computer in the living room, while her children are screaming for their father. Joe asks where their mother is and they have no idea even though she's about 20 feet away and in plain sight. He asks what she's doing and she says she's writing down "some ideas" for her book. And by writing, she means looking through old pictures and crying. She found the only card she ever got from her dad, and it was given to her a few days before he crashed into a tree and died. Joe encourages her to write about her relationship with her father, and how she learned from her parent's marriage. She says her father's cheating ways maybe shouldn't be published in print. She says she's confused about how much she should say in her book without consulting her mother and sisters, but has no qualms talking about it on this stupid reality TV show that arguably is going to reach more people. She says Joe doesn't understand because he had such a functional family growing up, with dinner together nightly. And he wisely points out that they are fucked up beyond belief now, so family dinners didn't exactly pay off.

At Little Town, NJ, the restaurant is starting to look like it has a real kitchen, and Caroline's working with Chef Andrew on how to make her meatballs. There's lots of joking about tasty balls. Albie understands that his mother may actually be the brains behind the Brownstone operation, and Christopher just thinks that angry Italian ladies know how to make meatballs with love. We get flashbacks to the good old days when Albie was getting kicked out of law school and Christopher dreamed of making a strip-club/car wash a reality. Such innocent times. Now they are both wearing blk t-shirts (which is I guess how they plan to still do their old job while starting up this restaurant). They escort their mom outside, they get locked out. Instead of say calling someone, Christopher suggests they just go home. Such a devoted employee.

Kathy has everyone on a party bus so that people can take advantage of the cocktails. On the way there, Rosie's got a flask, and Joe Gorga is getting a lap-dance from a faceless person who may be Richie... I think. At the quiet restaurant, the shots start immediately. Victoria welcomes all the drunk assholes to "me and my father's birthday," and says he was the first man she ever loved. Aw. Joe Gorga is touched. There don't seem to be many 19-year-olds at this party. So much drinking. Joe Gorga is trying to hook Kathy's 16-year-old son up with a hot woman. Richie interviews that his son isn't interested in women yet but he thinks it's time. Perhaps he should see the way that young Joey is leering at this stranger.

Also, in the midst of this, Jacqueline picks up some boob-shaped food off a tray to show that it looks like boobs, and then puts them back. I hope the waitress had the intelligence to throw those away. Caroline's happily eating, while Melissa is complaining about Gia's party and how Teresa and Kim D. were all over her case about not understanding how to read a calendar. Caroline says that she doesn't think she should try and sit and be civil with Teresa because both of them are too mature and harboring too much anger. She tries to tell Melissa that her grudges have turned her into a ticking time bomb, and Melissa decides that Caroline's advice here is just off the mark. She'd rather stay in her pissing contest with Teresa to destroy her family to get more TV time. She says it's not her fault. Of course it isn't. Caroline thinks that by Melissa putting herself in these situations and then going home and telling Joe all about it, she's just putting an even bigger wedge in this fucked up family tree.

Melissa thinks that Teresa is just out to get her, and tries to get Caroline to trash talk Teresa, and spill the beans on their little meeting of them minds. Caroline says that after her sit-down, she's come to the conclusion that Teresa can't have a relationship right now with either Kathy or Melissa. Kathy doesn't understand why Teresa is still mad at her, given that she apologized and that heals all wounds in her book. Caroline just simply advises Kathy to stay away... so that obviously means Kathy's going to go out and attack Teresa at the first opportunity.

Teresa says that if Juicy had said it to her face, he would have gotten knocked out... but because he said it on the phone to his friend it is totally acceptable somehow. Joe wishes he could go back and reset his entire relationship with his sister to a time before she married Joe Giudice. She insists that Joe must call his wife horrible things as well, and he says that he doesn't because his wife deserves respect and is an angel from Heaven. He loves both Melissa and his kids and treats them well. He is curious how Juicy Joe treats her kids because he believes that by treating the mom well he's setting an example for the generation. Teresa thinks she should ask her daughters how she's treated. Bring the kids right into it. Classy. And frankly, I'm afraid of the answer. She says that she's done with him and spills the water from her water bottle on him. Refreshing! And then she storms off and attacks an innocent garbage can. She didn't even recycle.

Anyway, Joe goes back to his workout while screaming that she's obsessed with his wife and needs to lay off. She leaves the building while screaming that he's obsessed with Juicy, and Joe says that's because he doesn't like a cheater. And they both come off looking like assholes. Just another typical day with these people.