PreviouslyonMasterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey:Playdategate 2013. May you please send me the address and time. We also got a peek of what life is like with Jacqueline’s autistic, iPad-loving son, and Joe Gorga and Caroline maybe made out. WITH TONGUE.
We enter at the Giudice house, where it is dinner time. Instead of eating raw grubs, which their collective countenance would suggest, Teresa is making the kids’ “favorite,” something-or-other and beans. Milania is helping, in a shirt with cut out shoulders, like she’s Prince of Tides era Barbra Streisand wearing Donna Karan. As a fashion inspiration, I have to say she could have done worse, and hopefully she has the sense to still be outraged by Babs’s Oscar snub. Gia gives Milania grief about how she’s going to laugh when Milania is disfigured by hot oil. Milania is not amused. Gabriella and Audriana stay mostly silent, pleased with the recessive genes that have given them regularly-appointed foreheads.
Teresa has a prominently placed copy of her own cookbook on the table, and tells us that she doesn’t want her girls to fight like every generation of siblings before them has fought. Good luck with that! Teresa tries telling the girls that if their “Nono” (Gorgan for grandfather) was there he’d give them what-for, and Milania argues that he wouldn’t because he’s a nice little fella. Milania mocks Teresa as she’s talking, and so probably doesn’t absorb the lesson that you should feel lucky to have a grandparent around to find your backtalk and abuse charming. The kids then make cards for Nono, who’s getting a pacemaker. Teresa explains that a pacemaker will help his heart to beat. She intimates with fear what might happen if his heart stops beating, and Milania yells out enthusiastically, “He dies!” Well, she’s not wrong. And then they can bury him in a red bedazzled Fabellini tank top like Teresa’s wearing right now. Teresa thinks it would be helpful to have her brother Joe around in this time of family medical situations, but too bad, they are feuding.
At the Gorga house, Joe beans one of the kids in the head with a little football and then tells him not to cry. Parent of the year! Melissa sits on the couch and admires her boots. Real estate agent Jerry Sahlman pays a visit, mostly to tell them that their house hasn’t sold. It’s been on the market for six months, and Melissa is rather motivated to get the hell away from Teresa and family. Apparently the house has a $3.8 million price tag, and tacky opulence is not exactly in vogue at the moment. Melissa tells us that she goes to church and prays that her house will sell. Does God give a rat about Melissa Gorga? I guess we’ll find out on Friday, when Jerry is bringing around some interested buyers with means.
And then it’s time to pay a visit to the Manzos, in which we learn that Caroline and Al mostly got their Hoboken apartment so they can get away from Lauren. She’s been even worse since she lost her weight, which is saying something. We’re then introduced to Caroline’s sister Fran, who is like the perfect cross between Dina Manzo and Callie Khouri. She has a little dog named Frito, because he smells like Fritos. Hey! That’s an actual condition! In any case, Fran is going through a divorce and has been staying with the Manzos, and fostering Frito-smelling dogs. The Manzos also have a little dog named Austin and two German shepherds, and Al seems relatively annoyed by the whole situation. To further his annoyance, Caroline explains to Al about how she’s getting in the middle of everybody’s business. At this point he obviously doesn’t care enough to even be like, “No. Stop. Don’t.”
And then it's time to pay a visit to the Manzos, in which we learn that Caroline and Al mostly got their Hoboken apartment so they can get away from Lauren. She's been even worse since she lost her weight, which is saying something. We're then introduced to Caroline's sister Fran, who is like the perfect cross between Dina Manzo and Callie Khouri. She has a little dog named Frito, because he smells like Fritos. Hey! That's an actual condition! In any case, Fran is going through a divorce and has been staying with the Manzos, and fostering Frito-smelling dogs. The Manzos also have a little dog named Austin and two German shepherds, and Al seems relatively annoyed by the whole situation. To further his annoyance, Caroline explains to Al about how she's getting in the middle of everybody's business. At this point he obviously doesn't care enough to even be like, "No. Stop. Don't."
We then have a scene with the Wakiles, who are giving their son whose name I can't for the life of me remember a driving lesson. Joseph! That's his name. Kathy is a stress case and Richie is gross, per usual. I just want ONE cast member on this show who isn't a complete miscreant.
Well, maybe Jacqueline isn't a COMPLETE miscreant. She's around 80 percent, but there's still a sparkle of decency left in her. She's starting a video blog for Parenting magazine, focused on her "autism journey." Why is everything a journey these days? "It was an important step along my herpes journey." In the video blog, she's being interviewed by content director Anamary Connery, which is a fun thing to say five times fast.
Back at the homestead, Chris Laurita the elder is hanging out with Joe Gorga, shooting pool and talking about if you can still get it up at age 46. As you do. Chris assures Joe and the world that some things get better with age, before essentially calling Joe the male equivalent of a nymphomaniac. It is true that Joe is about to make sweet love to the pockets in the pool table. Chris interviews that he and Jacqueline have a lot going on, but are sure to make time for "all that stuff." Romance! When Joe asks how their relationship has been affected by Nicholas's situation, Chris does admit that it's stressful and Jacqueline has been emotional. Cut back to Jacqueline doing her video blog and crying as she recounts how Nicholas stopped saying "I love you." We then cut to Chris telling Joe that Nicholas was a miracle baby, and that Jacqueline had five miscarriages before having him. Doctors thought that she was miscarrying Nicholas as well and wanted to terminate the pregnancy, but Jacqueline wouldn't do it. As we see Jacqueline crying more and saying that she can't continue with the video blog, Chris tells Joe that he's confident that they'll recover Nicholas at some point, and that everything will be wonderful. It's not always easy, but he and Jacqueline won't give up and are fighting to get everything they can for Nicholas. Joe respects Chris for being such a good guy, to the extent that he wants to make out. It's probably the little hint of Caroline that he sees in Chris's jowls that does it.
Oh God, and then we are "treated" to a scene with freaking Kim D. She's walking with Teresa near the hospital where Nono is interred, looking like a netherworld troll per usual. Coincidentally, Teresa gets a text from Caroline just then, asking to get together. A small earthquake seizes the East Coast at even the suggestion of this meeting of the minds. If you'll recall, Teresa and Caroline hate each other. Also, this is none of Caroline's business. Kim D. weighs in, and nobody freaking cares. But Kim has been loyal to Teresa through her feuding with everyone else, and so I'm guessing we'll be forced to see her withered hag face periodically during the season.
Back at the Manzo home for wayward children, Lauren is pretending that she has a job and doesn't just sit in her bedroom applying lip gloss all day, but we know the truth. Caroline would like Lauren to do her makeup for her upcoming brunch with Teresa, which she says came about because Joe asked her to talk to Tre. So... I thought she offered? Hmmm. But that's her story, and she's sticking to it (very much unlike how she sticks to her own business). In any case, Caroline says that Joe wants some sort of peace to be made largely for the sake of the kids and for the very elder Gorgas. Lauren takes this time to badmouth Teresa's kids, which is RICH. Caroline thinks that Teresa spends too much time around people who fuel the fire (especially now that she's basically lost all of her friends), and that Caroline's meeting with her is Joe's final Hail Mary. And seriously, can Caroline not muster up some sort of plotline of her own?
HAHAHAHAH, and then we're at the Giudice house, where Juicy is looking through a magnifying glass at some sort of mysterious "paperwork." He's all, "The letters are so small!" which I see as a cry for help regarding the fact that he's functionally illiterate. A bunch of empty binders are strewn about on Juicy's desk, to give us the impression that he's SO busy. Business is booming! Teresa tells Juicy about the meeting with Caroline, and he's skeptical. And then we flash to Lauren doing Caroline's makeup for the meeting. She's making Caroline look like an actual corpse, for extra gravitas. "I am the ghost of Gorgas future!" We flash back to Teresa and Caroline's big blowout last season, and then Joe tells Teresa to wear a wreath of garlic to ward off evil spirits. Not a bad plan! This leads Teresa to relay a charming Italian superstition about how when a woman had their periods, men would never want to drink red wine around them in case the women slipped some blood in there and put them under a trance. This is a thing that actually was said on this show! Teresa wonders if Melissa used this sorcery on Joe. Even Juicy is like, "...Uh."
And then Kathy and Richie visit Victoria in the cafeteria of her big fat Catholic college. She's still living at home, which I guess is why they seem so unfamiliar with anything having to do with her campus. Victoria wants to be a nurse practitioner, and Kathy is glad that she decided to live at home and not have free access to sex and parties with people her own age. Kathy regrets not going to college herself, and thus having the opportunity to make her own living and get the eff away from Richie. Richie pokes at the eye of medical dummies, and Kathy maybe picks up an application on the way out of the school.
Chris and Jacqueline prepare for a family gathering while making some sort of tasty-looking meat product, and then Jacqueline cries about Nicholas some more. She tells us that with all that's going on in her life, she can't have toxic people around her, which is probably why we haven't seen Ashle(e)(y) on the show yet. Also, she probably should have quit this show. Chris maintains his positive attitude yet again, and of all the husbands on the show, he seems like the one most worth having. Him and Al, who I'd totally hit.
And then real estate agent Jerry brings someone to view the Gorga home. The kids pick this time to act up, which Melissa thinks is a bonus selling point for the house. Real estate agent (and apparently friend of Teresa) Jennifer Dalton then brings by another potential buyer. Her name is Nisa, and she's a stylist to the celebrities. A booming business, if you can afford a $4 million house. Nisa asks why they're moving, but knows that the answer is Teresa. While Melissa wrangles the kids and Joe talks about what a masterpiece the house is, Nisa and Jennifer take their own tour where they note: a) the crack in the bedroom ceiling; b) the fact that there's no running water in the master bathroom; c) a busted up sink that is fake marble. Jennifer comes and talks to the Gorgas, telling them that they're crazy to think they're going to get $3.8 million for their crunk-ass house that also has no pool. Melissa fears that they're stuck. And this is a lesson in why you shouldn't build a stupid huge ugly tacky house! See also: The Queen of Versailles.
And then it's time for Teresa and Caroline's brunch, which takes place in a private room in some sort of homey establishment called The Ho-Ho-Kus. Is that where Melissa used to work? Caroline orders iced tea. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? Teresa arrives, and Caroline explains that Joe wanted them to meet. Teresa then announces that Joe is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. Well it's true! Caroline then explains that she called up Joe completely uninvited and unprovoked because she knows how hard it is to be in a family feud and wanted to comfort him with her sexual charms. Teresa tells Caroline that there's an old Italian saying equating to something like: when a third person comes in, it causes more problems. Well, that's better than, "Don't drink the red wine because it might have menstrual blood in it." Right on the heels of this fine first point, Teresa says she knows what she's doing and loses us all again. But Caroline is preaching to Teresa because her heart is hurting. Teresa wastes little time in bringing up Caroline's fractured relationship with Dina, and Caroline notes that she's right, but is also deflecting. And so Caroline will not be deterred! Teresa says that Joe needs to make the first move toward reconciliation. He's apparently apologized to everyone else, including that hag Kim D. Speaking of Kim D., Caroline wonders why Teresa still calls her friend. Um, because she has no other friends. Teresa brings up Jacqueline, which makes Caroline REALLY mad. Caroline says that Jacqueline was nothing but a true and loyal friend, but Teresa does not agree. Caroline tells us that in the end Teresa doesn't matter, which makes one wonder why she then went to such pains to get in her sticky beeswax.
Speaking of Jacqueline, folks are starting to arrive at her party. The Manzo boys are first, followed by the Gorgas and the Wakiles including Rosie. Red wine is involved. Watch it, suckers! There is poker happening with the men and Rosie (WHO IS WEARING ANOTHER ASCOT OMG OMG OMG IT IS NOW APPARENTLY HER SIGNATURE), while upstairs Melissa complains about the second real estate agent that she brought in and Jacqueline attends to Nicholas. The guys ask Rosie if she's a boob girl (yes) and if she's ever been with a man (no). On the second point, Joe tells her that she's got to try it. Richie says that, if that's the case, Joe should try taking it in the ass. And then to more serious matters. What Jacqueline wants most is for Nicholas to say "I love you" again, and Chris has secretly been working with a therapist to try to make that happen. He's hoping that he can get Nicholas to say it tonight at the party, to surprise her. Ten bucks that the kid says, "iPad."
Back at the Ho-Ho-Kus showdown, Caroline tries to convince Teresa that she should start her reconciliation process by making amends with Kathy. Teresa is not on board with this plan, given that Kathy called her father a coward. They really did get into some nasty territory at last season's reunion. Teresa explains that it was a stressful week, what with her father being in the hospital, and Caroline tells her that she doesn't want Nono to die without seeing his kids together. I thought Nono was firmly Team Teresa? This seems to make a dent -- another dent -- in Teresa's skull, even with its prehistoric levels of thickness.
Back at the poker game, the guys are asking Rosie for cunnilingual techniques. Jacqueline enters, and Chris sneaks out to get Nicholas. Nicholas wears his Christmas penguin PJs, and Chris asks Jacqueline to hold a lollipop. He then coaches Nicholas to tell Jacqueline "I love you," which he does. Everyone pretends that this moment, at a poker game with cameras, is the first time it's happened. Still, hooray. Nicholas has the lollipop, and so is happy. In a tearful interview, Jacqueline explains that a part of her thought Nicholas would never say that to her again. So when he said it, it also indicated that he could say so much more, and gave her hope. I have no snark to impart on that note.
We then get a short between-commercial segment in which Albie asks Rosie about her stance on dildos. Take a guess.
Back at the sibling summit, Teresa tells Caroline that she does want to make things better. Caroline suggests that she come right out and say that she was a bitch but is sorry. Teresa would like Melissa to also say that she was a bitch, and Caroline suggests that they try to meet halfway. Teresa imparts the message that if Joe comes to her to make peace, she'll have open arms. However, both parties have to be willing to bend. Teresa takes her leave, and Caroline tells us that she feels like she's accomplished something. Still, she's ready for a big fat glass of wine. Not the red wine though, unless she wants to be involved in a Gorga curse. Wait, it's too late!
week: a wild boar. Why not?
Potes hopes that she lives to see this season's reunion episodes, but is doubtful. To send a message of hope please tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.