Previously on Masterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Richie was gross, per usual, and Kathy finally seemed to be acknowledging it. Nicholas said something approximating "I love you," and everyone cheered and cried even though he maaaaay have been talking to a lollipop. Caroline and Teresa had a sit-down for exactly no good reason, and got heated over the issue of Jacqueline. Tensions remained between the Giudices and Gorgas, and Nono was getting a pacemaker just so we could get nervous about whether he'd ever see his children reconcile before meeting the big grape stomper in the sky.
It's morning in Jersey and Teresa works out with her friend/trainer Linda at the gym. We hear the word "bubbies," for the first time in a while. Remember the glory days of season one, when joyful references to bubbies abounded? Were we ever really that young and innocent? Teresa talks about Gia's impending twelfth birthday party -- it's her first coed one, despite the fact that Teresa doesn't want her to talk to boys and threatens to disown her (after a lovingly enforced doctor's test) if she's not a virgin. Is Tio Joe coming, asks Linda? Teresa doesn't know, but she sent an invite, and is cautiously optimistic. Probably because she gets a bonus from Bravo every time she has a fight at a child's party.
We're then at Jacqueline's house, where everyone is anxiously awaiting the delivery of Nick's hyperbaric chamber bed. Much like John Travolta in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, we can only hope that the hyperbaric chamber bed is big enough to allow Nick to bust out some fly disco moves as he gets older. Jacqueline tells us that through research she discovered that the hyperbaric chamber bed may help kids on the autism spectrum, then mentions that Michael Jackson had one. Maybe not the most compelling piece of evidence that it's not just some crackpot scheme. Joe and Caroline are both over (THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMMMM), and learn that the bed is only for naps, and someone will go in with Nick. The bed basically looks like a big gym bag, and you get zipped in. Jacqueline gets in with Nick and reports that he's laughing. Caroline cries, and commends Jacqueline for trying any and every possible type of therapy for Nick, and doing so with a smile.
Everyone then leaves Nick (still in the bed, by himself) with his babysitter, and Caroline tells Jacqueline of her sit-down with Teresa. When Caroline says that Teresa expects an apology from Jacqueline, Jacks laughs and laughs. Basically, Jacqueline wants nothing to do with Teresa. OR DOES SHE? Really, she doesn't. But Caroline still suspects that both Teresa and Jacqueline have regrets. When hearing about how Caroline has served as mediator between Joe and Teresa, Jacqueline notes that Teresa keeps saying that everyone should butt out of her family business, but then asks people to butt into her family business. And in all fairness, Teresa did not request this particular instance of buttinskiness.
We then join Juicy and Gia on a little father-daughter gelato date. Juicy is taking his once-yearly parental duties very seriously, and tells Gia that she should be spending more time with her family. In response, Gia notes that Milania says the stupidest things. Stupidest, or most awesome? Don't get it twisted, Gia. Gia then drops the fact that Milania told her she has a hairy grille. There are a lot of confused looks, and eventually Juicy says, "It's part of puberty." And that, apparently, is the perfect segue into the birds and bees talk. Gia is appropriately embarrassed. And then as if things couldn't get grosser, Teresa explains that she wanted Joe to give this little birds and bees talk because Gia walked in on them. As if they still have sex! Nice try. Juicy explains to Gia that he needs to talk to her about serious matters like boys and smoking, because she's growing up. She says that, after seeing what Nono's going through, she'll never smoke. And then they call each other midgets, and it's all very touching.
Back at Jacqueline's, the ladies talk with Joe about Caroline's sit-down with Teresa, and Caroline explains that though Teresa was immovable on the issues of Jacqueline and Kathy, she still has softer feelings about Joe. She wants to make peace with Joe, and would be willing to meet with him. Caroline doesn't tell Joe that Teresa thinks he needs to make an apology, because when in doubt you should always take the most deceptive and dramatic route. She says that she doesn't want Nono to die without Joe feeling that he's done all he can to reconcile with his sister. And, spoiler alert, Nono doesn't actually die during this episode.
And then it's time for a fun driving lesson with Aunt Rosie! Yes, Rosie has encouraged Joseph to steal his father's Ferrari and is teaching him how to drive in a reckless manner that is attractive to chicks. It's raining, and Joe has to make a left across two lanes of traffic. This...is not safe. They return home, and Kathy and Richie do NOT look pleased. Rosie and Joseph both crack up, which only further enrages the Wakiles. Except it turns out Richie actually isn't even mad at all. He loves a good joyride. So Kathy now gets to be mad at Richie too. And then he cracks on her hat! I'm just waiting for a nose job comment.
Cut to Teresa and Juicy driving. It turns out that Nono is sick. Shocker! Juicy suggests getting him a plastic bubble, with some sort of tube to the outside for the delivery of wine. Perhaps he'd be interested in a hyperbaric chamber bed? They could rig it up like a Capri Sun pouch. Teresa's mother, Antonia, calls, saying that Nono couldn't breathe during the night and then went to the hospital. He has pneumonia, and Teresa explains that if and when her dad is sick, she drops everything. It turns out that Antonia called Joe Gorga in the middle of the night, but he was sick too with a fever and whatnot. We cut to Joe coughing in his house, and saying to Melissa that he had some soup and it came right out of his ass. Charming! Joe talks about his dad being in the hospital, and Melissa tells him he should be sure NOT to go and visit his dad, what with all of his nasty ass-soup germs. Melissa says that maybe she and daughter-Antonia will go. Back in the car with Teresa, Juicy says that one of these times, her dad isn't going to come out of it. This makes Teresa upset, and seemingly willing to redouble her efforts to reconnect with her brother. Back at the Gorga's, Melissa is put off by the fact that Caroline is sticking her nose into their bid-ness, but also wants to get to the point where the family can be civil. She mentions the invite to Gia's birthday party, and Joe quickly says that he doesn't want to be there. Melissa prods him a little, but Joe says he's not ready to be around Teresa and Juicy. Though if he did, I'm sure it would be satisfying to direct some ass-soup their way.
We then join Melissa and Kathy at the same gym where Teresa worked out at the beginning of the episode. Melissa bounces her way through a class as Kathy complains and wishes she was making some sort of delectable dessert or yelling at her entire family again. Afterwards, they talk about Nono's pneumonia and hospital stay. Melissa tells Kathy about Joe's ass-soup sickness, as well as her own "sore throat" that comes and goes, with the implication that they are both too sick to go to the hospital. But not too sick to go to the gym! Kathy is not buying it. We cut to Teresa sharing her feelings about her father with that hag Kim D., and remembering Caroline's prescient warning that her father could die without seeing his children reconciled. She tells us that if Joe comes to Gia's party, it would mean the world to her, and not just because of her dad -- she wants it to be real or nothing.
Jacqueline joins Kathy and Melissa at the gym, though is wearing nothing resembling workout gear. It turns out that she doesn't typically drive on the highway when she doesn't know where she's going, and also doesn't like to work out in public. Melissa wonders what's up with all of her disorders. I'm sure it's nothing that a hyperbaric chamber bed can't fix. Oh boy, and then we realize that Linda, the person Teresa was talking to at the beginning of the episode, is the friend who gave Kathy shit about her dessert recipes last season. The ladies think that she's spying, and KNOW that she's a skinny bitch. Ha! And then we see Linda call Teresa (who is still with Kim D.) to give the report on Jacqueline, Melissa and Kathy's activity at the gym. First she insults Jacqueline's fat ass, proving that Jacqueline's workout-in-public disorder is well founded. Teresa and Kim D. cackle, and then Kim asks about Kathy's fat ass. Linda confirms that it is, indeed, fat. She adds that not one of those bitches works out at this particular gym, and Teresa tells us that the gym is 45 minutes away from Jacqueline's house. So....I guess it's all a scheming plan of some sort? To what end, I do not know. Teresa reports that Melissa hasn't gone to the hospital yet, and though she pretends to others that she has affection for the Gorga parents, it's straight up bullshit. Kim D. thinks it's all terrible. Not as terrible as her face, though. Nothing is as terrible as her face.
And then Caroline pulls up to her own home to find a pig. And no, it's not the return of Danielle Staub. It's a literal pig, and sister Fran is feeding it. Apparently the pig is one in a long line of animals that Fran has brought to Caroline's. Christopher is on the scene, and says that the scariest thing about the introduction of Moo Shu (for that is the pig's name) is that it's not at all surprising. It turns out that Fran is pig sitting. Man, where do I sign up for a pig sitting gigs? I love pigs! Look at Moo Shu adorably chewing strawberries! Anyway, if you're in the market for a pig sitter, hit me up at potesypotes[at]gmail.com. Caroline wonders how she'll hide the new porcine addition to the family from Al, then decides that they should stay in Hoboken for a few nights. Christopher isn't so sure about the Dr. Doolittle-ifying of his childhood home, and Caroline admits that there was a nine foot python in the basement for a while. Then Fran's little dog pees on the floor. Caroline loves Fran and says that as a vet tech she can't afford to leave the elder Manzo nest quite yet. And keeping Al from finding out about Moo Shu is the only way to ensure that they won't all be put on the rotisserie.
And then it's the day of Gia's birthday party. All the girls go to the salon to get their hair did, and Milania is a sassmaster as always. Teresa asks Gia if Tio Joe is coming, and it turns out he is not since he has pneumonia. Allegedly! Teresa asks if Gia is upset about it, and she says that she isn't. Teresa then prompts her to try to be upset about it, and instead Gia gets upset at Teresa. She vents to the stylist that she hates when Teresa talks to her about her aunt and uncle, especially when she's just trying to have a nice, extra-selfish birthday. Teresa suspects that Joe isn't all that sick, but really just doesn't want to see her and Juicy. And, I mean, would you? Then Teresa gives some grief to Gia about a boy named Christopher, who may be her best friend or may be her boyfriend. Milania pronounces that Christopher is a little wimp, and that she's into older men. I think that's an appropriate last word.
Melissa then gets her kids ready for Gia's party, and her son Gino calls her a poopy-head. Man, it runs in the family. Melissa sprays the shit out of Gino's hair, because she wants him to get pneumonia, too. A Lifetime movie waiting to happen, that one is. Joe stumbles in and tells everyone he needs a plug in his ass. Melissa calls him out for not wanting to go to the party anyway, despite the sickness, which he freely admitted earlier in the episode. Even though he can't be there, he wants Melissa to spit on Kim D.'s face. He seems certain that Kim D. will be in attendance, since she's basically the equivalent of Teresa's winged monkey, and tells Melissa to give as much shit as she gets. She acts all aghast at the notion that she might do such a thing at a birthday party.
We then get a few minutes of crazy Milania, which does make me think that a half-hour spinoff would indeed be too exhausting to bear. She's still the best one on this show, though.
And then we're at Gia's birthday party, which is I guess at some sort of faux dance club? It's like the paltriest episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen ever, and to drive that point home we see Gia's really horrifying looking hairy grille cake with the inscription, "Happy 12th birthday Gianna." So personal! Teresa then exclaims that Gia's BFFL (pronounced "biffel"), Christopher, has arrived. This leads to what might be my favorite moment in all of RHONJ history, which is Joe Giudice saying, "What? Beefusses?" What Beefusses indeed! It's really an appropriate response to any awkward situation. "You have a hairy grille!" "What? Beefusses?" "It took you four days to go to the hospital!" "What? Beefusses?" "It's time to talk about the birds and the bees!" "What? Beefusses?" Juicy may be a secret genius. Very secret. Juicy mildly harasses an obviously terrified Beefusses, while Gia loops the defining emotion of her life -- being embarrassed by her mother. Teresa wants to be Gia's Beefusses. Maybe in 20 years. Milania whines because she wants to see her own Beefusses, Antonia.
We're then at the Wakiles, where Joseph and Victoria head out on their own to see Nono. Kathy and Richie can't go themselves, since Kathy called Nono a coward on the reunion show. Kathy knows it was a mistake and has apologized for it, and Richie thinks she should go visit for five minutes and tell Nono that she loves him. She gets all upset at the notion that he might die, and we learn that Richie really wants her to go just so she can tell Teresa to fuck off. Interesting strategy!
Melissa drives her kids to Gia's party, and gets a call from Jacqueline. They talk about how terrible their respective relationships with Teresa are as the kids sit quietly and listen. Melissa mutters that this is stupid and wonders why she's going, which I'm sure the kids appreciate as well. At the party, Teresa heads into the adult room, and who has crawled up from her crypt to join the festivities but Kim D. Melissa shows up too, and Antonia and Milania instantly hug. All the kids are happy to see one another, just as Teresa is happy to see her minions /ugly stepsisters Kim D. and Linda so she can complain about how Melissa waited four days to go see Nono in the hospital. Just as Kim D. and Linda are complaining about what a bitch Melissa is, she walks into the adult room. She exchanges fake pleasantries before rushing to the bar.
With drink in hand, Melissa tells the threesome, who now more or less resemble the witches from MacBeth, how Joe had to be rushed to the hospital with his 104 degree fever. And yes, in answer to your question, it in fact WAS the same hospital where Nono was admitted. Did Melissa go and see Nono, asks Kim D.? Yes she sure did, says Melissa. I heard you were at the gym the other day, says Kim D. Can she give it a rest for one minute? God. Melissa tells us that it's her gym, and she invited Kathy and Jacqueline to a class, and anyone who doesn't like it can go scratch their hairy grille. Kim D.'s coke brain then can't manage to specify if she's jumping on Melissa for not actually going to see her father in law, or for being at the gym. Either way, Melissa is through. She argues that her hospital visit schedule is nobody's business, not even Teresa's. Teresa disagrees. She calls Melissa out on her claim that she went to see Nono the day after he was admitted to the hospital, and Melissa plays a game where she thought Tuesday was Saturday. Or something. Eventually, she admits that Teresa is right. But, she says, she spent the whole day at the hospital, whenever it was that she went. And then in an interview, she tells us that Joe took his dad to the hospital on a Saturday, she had a bad sore throat Monday and Tuesday, and finally went to see Nono on Wednesday, when her throat felt better. In her book, that's not four days, she says. In fact, one could argue that it was five days. So there. A more effective argument may have been for her to look at Teresa quizzically and exclaim, "What? Beefusses?" Anyway, who the fuck cares? Not me! Melissa is ready to take her kids home, and Teresa is all, "You're going to leave before cake?" I mean, it's such a welcoming environment after all! Gia pops in so she can vocally hate her life some more, and then everyone goes to get a slice of the hairy grille.
Gia blows out her candles as Melissa packs up her kids' stuff. They cry about wanting cake, but she won't be deterred. Teresa thinks that Melissa shouldn't run home to Joe and make this whole thing a bigger deal. After all, she was only asking Melissa a question! An innocent question! Melissa and the kids miss seeing Gia's face being smeared with cake, which is apparently what the kids are doing these days. And Melissa is sick of being the scapegoat and intermediary for Teresa's tension with Joe. What? Beefusses?
time: Oh God, Melissa IS writing a book! Rosie freaks out, and Teresa throws some water on Joe. Now that's some Beefusses if I ever saw it.
Potes hopes that she lives to see this season's reunion episodes, but is doubtful. To send a message of hope please tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.