By Potes
And then we're at the Wakile home, which looks like a matchbox compared to the homes of her kin. And really, good for Kathy for knowing how to live within her means. Except for the nose job. Rosie is there, wearing a fucking ASCOT. She's like the Fred Jones of Franklin Lakes. Rosie talks about how she's looking for love, but it's hard at bars where people are hammered and unappreciative of a kicky neckerchief. And she won't go online because people there are all freaks with rotten teeth. Or something. Anyhoo, Kathy is kind of mad because Rosie can talk all the crap she wants to and people will just laugh it off, whereas if Kathy makes one aggressive remark about someone's parents being fucking liars at a reunion special all hell breaks loose. She's all, "At least I didn't flip a table!" Rosie advises Kathy to rip people from the get-go. Rosie is the postmodern Stuart Smalley. She tells it like it is, which we are reminded about via footage of her basically becoming the Hulk at last season's reunion. I do hope Andy Cohen gets hazard pay for those.
Meanwhile, Juicy Joe works out to the sound of children screaming, per usual. Milania reads the letter from Antonia and then hugs it because she is giving the hard sell for her own spinoff. She suggests writing a letter in response, but Teresa thinks she might as well call up Antonia and invite her over for a playdate. Gia is all, "LIKE SHE INVITED US TO HER BIRTHDAY PARTY?" Still with the sparkling personality, that one. But Milania pays no mind, and adorably gives a call to her cousin. Gia interrupts Juicy Joe's karate kick to tell him what's going on and express sadness at their family rift. Juicy says it IS sad since the kids have nothing to do with it, and it's all the parents. Specifically, it's Joe and Melissa's fault. I will say that Juicy seems marginally sober here. Credit where credit is due. In any case, a playdate will be planned, in a most excruciating fashion.
We then catch up with Caroline and Lauren, who are cooking in an apartment. It turns out that, with the boys out of the house and Lauren likely going to eventually shack up with Vito, Caroline and Albert have rented a small place in Hoboken to see how they like apartment living. Joe and Melissa come over for dinner, and Melissa suggests that they got a place in Hoboken to be closer to Chris and Albie. Caroline denies it because she always wants us to think that she's less crazy than she is. And you know, who wouldn't want to move to the hotspot of Hoboken? Oh my God, and then we learn that Al has this giant pair of telescope-size binoculars that they use to spy on people in neighboring buildings. Apparently this is more efficient than Internet porn. Joe Gorga loves Caroline because he too is a creeper. Also, she likes him more than anybody in his actual family does. They all talk about the potential playdate, and Melissa decides to text Teresa right then.
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It turns out that Sandy might provide a bit of a boost for Juicy's business, though he'll likely manage to squander any fortune or goodwill he's able to find. Teresa tells us that their relationship is going well, despite how tough last year was on them. Oh, and then we get to relive the moment in Napa when Juicy made gross noises on the phone to his "longtime friend" and called Teresa a cunt. Good times, good times! I can never see that clip enough! Juicy and Teresa chat about how Joe Gorga never called them after the storm (which leads one to wonder if she called him), and Teresa reminds us that last year Joe texted that she was dead to him, and Melissa told her that she never wanted to see Teresa, and Teresa would never see her kids again. It's sad, says Teresa, who emphasizes that it was not her doing. Except for the parts that were. Man, do I wish they had just recast this whole show. Except for Rosie. We then hear from Joe Gorga, who says that Teresa hasn't bothered to call or text him. His heart is breaking, but he knows that, at the base of it, Teresa doesn't give a shit. And... credits.
Oh no, and the Housewives have new tag lines! Here they are:
Caroline: Love me or hate me, I always speak the truth.
Melissa: Sexy life, loyal wife. Take a page from my book. [Oh God, please don't tell me she's writing a book.]
Teresa: Haters are gonna hate, but I just love, love love.
Jacqueline: I faced my share of challenges, but I'm tougher than I look.
Kathy: If you can't take the heat, get out of my kitchen.
Juicy Joe: Hold up, here she comes, my bitch wife.
Rosie: RAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR.
After credits, we're at Teresa's home. Big surprise, there are screaming children. We get the first quotable Milania of the season: "You didn't have to slap me, you big jerk head." It's said while she's teetering around on Teresa's pink sparkly stilettos, which is of course perfect. The little one is running around in leopard stilettos and she faceplants, but totally doesn't even cry. That's the Gorga pluck and utter lack of shame at work! It turns out the Giudice ladies are helping all the poor Sandy victims who need glamorous and sparkly second-hand clothing and shoes. You guys, Teresa is such a fucking idiot. Honestly. Milania then goes on script as she asks when they're going to get to see Antonia again. So natural and spur of the moment! Milania claims, with prompting, to miss Antonia, and asks Teresa if she also misses her brother. And then Milania cannot remember that her uncle is called Tio Joe, or that she has a cousin called Gino. Teresa takes this all as a bad sign, but assuages her sadness by rubbing noses with Milania, which is actually really cute.
And then we're at home with Jacqueline and her autistic son, Nicholas, e.g. what really matters. Between this and Sandy, I'm sensing a theme here. Maybe we'll also learn that Teresa has a secret dent in her head that explains everything, or that Juicy actually IS a human thumb, which is a very serious medical condition. Anyway, the biggest challenge with Nick is getting him to communicate, and you can hear the emotion in Jacqueline's voice as she says that it will be a great day when he can tell her how his day was. We see Nick cry and pound the table because he wants an iPad. Eventually he says the word "iPad," which is good since it's not a word that he knew before he lost language. During Sandy, Nicholas wasn't in school and Jacqueline worked with him all day, and he showed a lot of improvement, which is cause for celebration (and, in Jacqueline's case, barely held-back tears).
And then we're with the Gorgas, where Melissa is getting very emotional about their destroyed summer home, while Joe sees it as a construction job. She whips out a letter that Antonia had to write for homework, addressed to Milania. Joe takes a look, and we learn that he too can almost read at the second grade level. Anyway, Antonia misses Milania. Melissa doesn't want to keep the cousins apart, but also doesn't want her kids hearing from Teresa's kids that she used to be a stripper, etc. She wonders when Teresa will stop and let them all be a normal family. "Normal." Melissa says that they can't be together without Teresa trying to bring her down, but she thinks that they should send the letter to Milania. Antonia is like, "Um, we live right to them." From the mouths of babes.
And then we're at the Wakile home, which looks like a matchbox compared to the homes of her kin. And really, good for Kathy for knowing how to live within her means. Except for the nose job. Rosie is there, wearing a fucking ASCOT. She's like the Fred Jones of Franklin Lakes. Rosie talks about how she's looking for love, but it's hard at bars where people are hammered and unappreciative of a kicky neckerchief. And she won't go online because people there are all freaks with rotten teeth. Or something. Anyhoo, Kathy is kind of mad because Rosie can talk all the crap she wants to and people will just laugh it off, whereas if Kathy makes one aggressive remark about someone's parents being fucking liars at a reunion special all hell breaks loose. She's all, "At least I didn't flip a table!" Rosie advises Kathy to rip people from the get-go. Rosie is the postmodern Stuart Smalley. She tells it like it is, which we are reminded about via footage of her basically becoming the Hulk at last season's reunion. I do hope Andy Cohen gets hazard pay for those.
Meanwhile, Juicy Joe works out to the sound of children screaming, per usual. Milania reads the letter from Antonia and then hugs it because she is giving the hard sell for her own spinoff. She suggests writing a letter in response, but Teresa thinks she might as well call up Antonia and invite her over for a playdate. Gia is all, "LIKE SHE INVITED US TO HER BIRTHDAY PARTY?" Still with the sparkling personality, that one. But Milania pays no mind, and adorably gives a call to her cousin. Gia interrupts Juicy Joe's karate kick to tell him what's going on and express sadness at their family rift. Juicy says it IS sad since the kids have nothing to do with it, and it's all the parents. Specifically, it's Joe and Melissa's fault. I will say that Juicy seems marginally sober here. Credit where credit is due. In any case, a playdate will be planned, in a most excruciating fashion.
We then catch up with Caroline and Lauren, who are cooking in an apartment. It turns out that, with the boys out of the house and Lauren likely going to eventually shack up with Vito, Caroline and Albert have rented a small place in Hoboken to see how they like apartment living. Joe and Melissa come over for dinner, and Melissa suggests that they got a place in Hoboken to be closer to Chris and Albie. Caroline denies it because she always wants us to think that she's less crazy than she is. And you know, who wouldn't want to move to the hotspot of Hoboken? Oh my God, and then we learn that Al has this giant pair of telescope-size binoculars that they use to spy on people in neighboring buildings. Apparently this is more efficient than Internet porn. Joe Gorga loves Caroline because he too is a creeper. Also, she likes him more than anybody in his actual family does. They all talk about the potential playdate, and Melissa decides to text Teresa right then.
Cut to Teresa and Juicy, pretending like they have an ounce of sexual chemistry remaining. The text from Melissa comes in, and she asks if she can take Milania and Antonia out on Saturday. Juicy advises Teresa to suggest taking the girls out herself and see how Melissa responds. But nay, Melissa really wants to take the girls somewhere other than Teresa's home. Juicy suggests that Teresa call Melissa a stank-ass beeyotch, which I'm sure will solve everything. Also, Teresa is not really writing these texts that we see in close-up. They are WAY too literate. Teresa wants them to work it out like women, saying the most important thing is that the kids get together. At this point, Caroline starts to get a little annoyed that she invited the Gorgas over to dinner and all they're doing is having a text argument about a freaking kids' playdate. And then Juicy references "Dust in the Wind" (or "Dust in the Air," as the Giudices call it) and I suddenly feel like we are all merely a speck in a crevasse of the small universe located inside the fold of Rosie's ascot.
Caroline and Jacqueline get together and talk for a second about the hurricane victims before getting to the real story: Antonia and Milania's playdate. You know, at this point I'd even be glad to get Danielle Staub back. Just something to make it less incestuous. Jacqueline feels the same way, saying that Gorga/Giudice drama rates on her priority list somewhere around bleaching her asshole. You know, I bet that's actually in the top 30th percentile. And... has Jacqueline had a little work done? She has at least one eye that looks reeeeeallll wonky. Caroline is starting to get a little wary about Melissa's role in all this feuding, and would like to talk to Joe Gorga alone. Because she hasn't learned the one key lesson that the universe is trying to impart to her, which is to MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. God.
Teresa takes an extra-bratty Gia shopping. Gia is even more of a tyrant than Juicy, and only slightly less drunk. She also really wants to look like a hooker, not a cooker, in part because she likes a boy. Teresa hasn't had the birds and the bees talk yet, and doesn't plan to until Gia gets her "monthly bill." I'm sure when said talk happens, it will be full of completely accurate information. And then, you guessed it, there's a text about the playdate. You know, recapping this season of the show may actually kill me. On my tombstone, please just carve the word "ingredientses." Anyway, Melissa wants to take the girls to some sort of beadery (because even their real words aren't real words) and finally Gia lays down the law and grabs the phone to send this strongly worded response on Teresa's behalf: "Sure. Me and Milania will attend. May you please send me the address and time. Thank you. See you soon." This made me laugh for 100 minutes because there is nothing funnier than the syntax of an eleven year old who is trying to escape generational illiteracy. Teresa wants to hug Gia, but Gia is not having it. We do get some gratuitous photos of Teresa in the '80s, which means an angel just got its wings.
And then it's time to go to the beadery. Milania thinks this is lame even for a couple of six year olds, but Teresa tells her to just go with it. Melissa gets ready to leave and is taken aback by the news that Caroline wants to have coffee with just Joe, and reiterates the universe's message that none of this is actually Caroline's business. In Teresa's car, Milania wears a fur coat and complains about her nose hair. Juicy calls and makes a remark about them seeing Horsey Face, which I'm sure is something that Milania will never repeat. Antonia and Melissa then read from their various scripts for a while until we arrive at the beadery. Antonia and Milania hug, as do Melissa and Teresa. Teresa is legit happy to see Antonia, but is less excited about her mom. And then the Giudices give Milania her birthday iPod, which we can only hope someone smashes into the bead-covered sink before the day is over.
Caroline meets up with Joe at the None of Your Business Café, where she orders a steaming cup of Shut-It. Joe and Caroline maaaaaaybe want to bone each other, which makes me very uncomfortable. You know he'd call her "mommy" while motorboating. Oh my God, and I am so disturbed by what I just said that I don't even know what they talk about in this scene. I think something about not minding your own business, infused with really grody sexual tension.
And then at the beadery, Melissa really goes out of her way to micromanage Antonia and Milania's bead necklaces. I'm with Teresa about letting the kids use the beads that they want. Who cares if it's red and pink to each other? They both look like tacky messes all the time anyway! Then there's some awkward small talk between the two moms before they realize that Antonia and Gabriela's communions are scheduled for the same day. Quelle coincidence! Teresa finally offers to be the bigger person and move Gabriela's. But this is no substitute for an apology for whatever all the things are that she did, at least in Melissa's eyes. The girls want to go out for pizza once their beads are done, but Melissa is not having it. Teresa tells us she wants them to be a real family, and not just fake-nice to each other. She says the kids aren't idiots. Not YET, anyway, but if their DNA has anything to say about it, it's a sketchy road ahead.
We cut to Caroline and Joe in their post-coital bliss. There's no shame in it, says Caroline! And then we're reminded that Caroline really is a noted authority on solving feuds with your siblings, given that she's in the midst of feuds with her siblings. Oh God, and then Caroline says something about how she's willing to go to talk to Teresa about all this. And then they actually kind of make out a little because Andy Cohen wants us to know that Bravo is not afraid to Go There.
This season on The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Horrors. Trust falls and shit. Caroline leaves Albert for Joe Gorga and everyone takes it very awkwardly. Fisticuffs. I repeat: Horrors.
Potes hopes that she lives to see this season's reunion episodes, but is doubtful. To send a message of hope, please tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.
Caroline meets up with Joe at the None of Your Business Café, where she orders a steaming cup of Shut-It. Joe and Caroline maaaaaaybe want to bone each other, which makes me very uncomfortable. You know he'd call her "mommy" while motorboating. Oh my God, and I am so disturbed by what I just said that I don't even know what they talk about in this scene. I think something about not minding your own business, infused with really grody sexual tension.
And then at the beadery, Melissa really goes out of her way to micromanage Antonia and Milania's bead necklaces. I'm with Teresa about letting the kids use the beads that they want. Who cares if it's red and pink to each other? They both look like tacky messes all the time anyway! Then there's some awkward small talk between the two moms before they realize that Antonia and Gabriela's communions are scheduled for the same day. Quelle coincidence! Teresa finally offers to be the bigger person and move Gabriela's. But this is no substitute for an apology for whatever all the things are that she did, at least in Melissa's eyes. The girls want to go out for pizza once their beads are done, but Melissa is not having it. Teresa tells us she wants them to be a real family, and not just fake-nice to each other. She says the kids aren't idiots. Not YET, anyway, but if their DNA has anything to say about it, it's a sketchy road ahead.
We cut to Caroline and Joe in their post-coital bliss. There's no shame in it, says Caroline! And then we're reminded that Caroline really is a noted authority on solving feuds with your siblings, given that she's in the midst of feuds with her siblings. Oh God, and then Caroline says something about how she's willing to go to talk to Teresa about all this. And then they actually kind of make out a little because Andy Cohen wants us to know that Bravo is not afraid to Go There.
This season on The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Horrors. Trust falls and shit. Caroline leaves Albert for Joe Gorga and everyone takes it very awkwardly. Fisticuffs. I repeat: Horrors.
Potes hopes that she lives to see this season's reunion episodes, but is doubtful. To send a message of hope, please tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.