Reunited and It Feels So Bad

S04E23

And then it's time to talk about all of Juicy's legal woes! Can you believe we're spending this much time on The Human Thumb? So, first Juicy lost his license, and then he went and tried to get a fake ID with his brother's info like a freaking moronic 16 year old. And then we learned that in New Jersey you don't say "jail," you say, "going away." Andy asks about the state of the fake ID case, and with prompting from Teresa, Juicy tells him to go talk to his lawyer. Jacqueline busts in to say that Juicy asked Chris about getting the fake ID initially, and Chris told him not to do it. This allows Teresa the opportunity to scream, "Heckyll and Jyde!" Unfortunately for her, those innocent days when we could be charmed by non-words like "ingredientses" are long past. Juicy imparts the wisdom, told to him by his lawyer, that you could indict a ham sandwich. I'd say he's more the human equivalent of mortadella. Andy keeps trying to get Juicy to react, to no avail. Even when he points out that Juicy could "go away" for ten years, Juicy just says, "Yeah, whatever." I feel like he'd actually ENJOY prison compared to his current life. Just getting to work out and grab other guys' crotches all day and eat food covered in gray gravy.

But Andy Cohen will NOT let it go! It turns out he's rather personally offended that he had to read about this issue in In Touch. That article was about the possibility of Juicy going away, and how scared Teresa was and so on. He wonders what the difference is between this tabloid article and the story coming up on the show, which seemed to really make Teresa angry. Teresa says that she asked her family not to bring it up. This is not flying with the rest of the ladies. Juicy Joe speaks for us all (only this once) when he says, "These MAGAZINES." Andy still doesn't get why it's okay to talk about it in a magazine but not on the show, and Teresa busts out with, "Andy. Am I speaking CHINESE?" If she were speaking Chinese she would likely be much more intelligible. She reiterates that she asked her family not to talk about it on the show. Melissa says that they asked Teresa not to refer to her sister-in-law as a stripper or a gold digger, and that didn't go so well either.

And then it's time to talk about being strippers. Because on this show, when isn't it time to talk about being strippers? Juicy doesn't care if Melissa was ever a stripper or not, which I think we all could have guessed. For some reason this triggers Jacqueline to come out of her Xanax haze briefly, and she demands to know if Chris told Juicy that he met her as a stripper. The story as Juicy knows it, allegedly from Chris himself, is that he met Jacqueline in Vegas while he was still engaged. Jacqueline screams that they met at a trade show in Chicago. (For stripper poles, I assume.) The upshot is that Jacqueline thinks Juicy is a piece of lowlife shit, and hopes he goes to jail. Juicy thinks that everyone's husband is a momo. What the hell is a momo? Do I even want to know? I suspect that I am the biggest momo of all for recapping 23 episodes of this show.

In any case, the momos are in the house! Yes, now Joe Gorga, Chris Laurita and Richie Wakile are seated behind their respective wives on the couch. Al Manzo is the only one with the self-respect not to show up. Andy notes that Joe Gorga hasn't seen Juicy or Teresa since the Posche fashion show. See, Kim D. ruins lives. We go through a men's montage, which of course involves some blurred out footage of Joe's penis. And then remember how the men got into a fight? And I totally forgot, but Joe Gorga called Teresa a bitch and told her to fuck off at one point. I'm glad she has only daughters, because the men in her life sure don't speak to her very nicely. Although, Milania.

Andy asks if the two Joes have always had a contentious relationship. Joe Gorga explains that they grew up with the Giudices, and Juicy was like a cousin. Teresa freaks out at this point, thinking that Joe is saying that she married her cousin. And, like, their parents have to be brother and sister, right? Anyway, the Joes once got along, but then Juicy started hating Joe. Joe Gorga thinks it's because he succeeded in life. Juicy is mysteriously still hung up on this tool borrowing thing that we heard of way back when. To take a page out of Juicy's own book, I'm going to call it a draw and say, "Who gives a shit?"

We then move on to even more harrowing subject matter -- Joe Gorga's propensity for nudity. He argues that when you got it, you've got to show it. No. No you don't. A viewer then asks if Joe has taken a dip in the man pool. He doesn't actually answer the question, but does say that he loves the gays. I guess that means like one drunken beej. A viewer then asks if Rich ever thinks he's being inappropriate to the kids, with his talk about his erections and Kathy's fish-like qualities. Wait, when did he get an erection on camera? I think I blocked that one out. Oh God, then Kathy talks about Richie's morning wood and I just want to die. To take a page from Melissa Gorga's playbook, thank you Jesus that this season is ending!

Andy then asks Joe if being on the show has helped or hurt his relationship with Teresa. Uh, duh. Joe says that the relationship was ruined already, but posits that maybe he came on this show to get close to her. Oh, I'm so sure. Nice try. Chris Laurita jumps in to say that Joe has said some very nice things about Teresa and that they were obviously close but something happened along the way. Just when you think that Teresa might allow a nice moment to emerge she says, "The wife. That's what happened." And then it all starts again. Melissa claims that she's a saint and Teresa's a big meanie, and then Teresa wonders why Joe talked about the legal case when she asked her family not to, then Jacqueline and Melissa start in about the magazine again and Teresa starts screaming because she is emphatically NOT TALKING TO THEM.

And then they get into Melissa and Joe moving to get away from Teresa, and Melissa claims that Joe is really the one who wants to move, and THEN Juicy yells, "Melissa, how did you really meet Joe Gorga?" And then Joe gets really mad and yells at Juicy to shut the fuck up about his fucking wife. Now THAT sounds like some dirt, huh? And then Joe and Juicy go at it for a while. It turns out that they laugh at each other every day. How interesting, since we all laugh at both of them every week. It's sort of a sad laugh, though. They call each other "ya bum" for a while, and then argue about who needs to pay their bills more. Sometimes it's so hard to determine whether Andy Cohen has the best job or the worst job. It takes a lot of quality time in the Clubhouse with drunk Jackee to balance out this shit.

Oh, and then we get to talk some more about Juicy's accusation that Chris met Jacqueline when she was a stripper. Chris does indeed confirm that he met Jacqueline in Chicago at a (stripper pole) trade show. And Chris never told anyone he met her in Vegas, or that she was a stripper. Teresa then jumps in to say that Caroline told her that Jacqueline was a stripper. I mean, let's be honest. Jacqueline was probably a stripper. The men all seem to be in agreement that there's nothing wrong with being a stripper, and Chris points out that they talk about strippers like they're talking about serial killers.

It turns out that the actual stripper on the cast was JOE GORGA! Believe me when I say that this moment is like Christmukkah and Halloween and a birthday all together for Andy Cohen. Joe Gorga was with the Chippendales for a year, with a g-string that looked like an elephant, no joke. That had to have been his dream career! I'm saddened that he didn't stay with it. Teresa talks about finding the elephant g-string and Jacqueline interjects a completely superfluous and disgusting, "She was probably smelling it." For every moving montage of an autistic child, there's a "she was probably smelling it." It's why you can never truly get behind anyone on this show.

A viewer asks if Juicy regrets not supporting a reunion between Joe and Teresa. He says that no one wants to see a family feud, but what are you going to do. Andy asks how Joe felt when he saw Juicy call Teresa a see-you--Tuesday in Napa. Normally, says Joe, Juicy would have deserved a baseball bat in the head. But now, Joe is so hurt that he doesn't feel anything. Also, he had some choice things to say about Teresa himself. Juicy totally doesn't care that Joe called Teresa a bitch, but thinks that Joe not sticking up for Teresa when other people call her terrible names makes him a loser. Then Richie gets into it, and Juicy makes the worst joke about needing to call security because someone stole Richie's shoulders. Only Juicy would be obsessed enough with another man's shoulders to make a joke about it. They go at it for a while, and then Andy reminds Richie that he said Teresa should be burned at the stake. Eventually they get to talking about the fight where Richie gave Juicy a black eye, and who grabbed whose crotch first. This is a thing that's actually happening on national television! And we're all watching it!

A viewer asks Chris what he thinks about the feud between Dina and Caroline. He doesn't care for it, but also doesn't have a relationship with Dina right now. He assumes that Teresa played a role in the Dina versus everyone feud, but says that he's not there to talk about Teresa. Except when he does. Like right now. Chris was disappointed to see Dina at the Fabellini party talking smack about Caroline. And then somehow we get back to Strippergate 2012, and Joe yelling that Teresa should own what she did, which, he alleges, is calling Melissa a stripper. Her own father -- who is also his father -- told him that Teresa did in fact say this. Joe thinks that Teresa could have nipped Strippergate in the pole instead of going into the bathroom and talking about her heart beating 500 and the rest of it. Teresa is gobsmacked that Joe thinks she should have left the party (which is not at all what he said), and Melissa says that Teresa couldn't leave the party because she was in on it, and that in turn elicits a, "Prove it, bitch!" from Teresa. Oy.

This of course proves to be an excellent segue to the Posche fashion show montage and the creepy bald guy and even creepier Kim D. and her rat face. Post-montage, Teresa emphatically claims once again that she had nothing to do with it, and Melissa once again does not believe it. Joe says that who cares if Melissa was a stripper, and also she wasn't a stripper. She was a bartender, and he knows because he was there. Melissa was a school teacher putting herself through college when he met her. How was she teaching school if she hadn't graduated from college yet? I guess it is part of the special amazing grace that saved a wench like her. Joe Gorga talks about how perfect Melissa is for a while before telling Teresa to drop it, and maybe they can be a family again. Teresa then says that Joe is breaking their mother and father's heart, and then Joe gets REALLY mad and says that Teresa is taking his parents away from him. Oh my God, can they all just fall into a fiery pit? It's best for the whole country, really.

So, Joe really starts freaking out about how his kids don't even have grandparents because of Teresa, and she starts shrieking at Juicy to give Joe what for, and then those two go at it for an extended period. Teresa calms down long enough to start to tell Andy that she never talks about Joe with her parents, and Xanax Jacqueline has to get all clucking-chicken in the joint and yell, "Yes you do!" Teresa then gets that scary black look in her eyes and stands up, and Andy has to kind of push her back while also telling Jacqueline to stay out of it. I feel like he has probably started working out a lot more since these Jersey reunions began. Teresa and Jacqueline go back and forth for a while, and end up trading plastic surgery barbs. The pot and kettle just clang and clang on that one.

Oh, dread, and then it's time to drag Kim D. out of her crypt to shine a light on what happened on that fateful night of the Posche fashion show. Absolutely no one is in the mood for Kim D. right now, myself included. Andy asks for her input about Teresa's involvement, and Kim D. says that this is a tough question to answer. She says that Teresa did not know that the creepy bald guy was going to mention anything about Melissa's past. Jacqueline asks if Teresa knew that something was going down against Melissa and did nothing to stop it, but before she can answer Joe Gorga apologizes for calling Kim D. a coke whore. I mean, I don't think there's any reason to apologize for truth-telling. He adds that Kim D. is doing someone else's dirty work, and doesn't understand what she has against them. It turns out that Melissa promoted another store or club called Posche, which annoyed Kim D. Of course one "Posche" isn't enough for New Jersey! I must mention that while all this is happening Teresa is sitting on the couch looking VERY uncomfortable.

So, being a bit "revengeful" in nature, when Kim D. found out from a friend that Melissa used to work at his club, she called Teresa and asked her to go to the salon with her. Teresa, who can be surprisingly compliant in the right circumstances, did so. Melissa, who is delighted to have all the attention on her again, says that they can all now agree that there was a set up. Kim D. says that she wouldn't call it a set-up -- she'd say it was convenient. This cracks everyone up. Caroline then brings up a conversation that she had with Kim D. after the fashion show, in which Kim told them that Teresa knew about the set-up. Kim acknowledges that Teresa knew that something was going to go down, but didn't know exactly what. She did, however, know who the target was, since she knew that Kim was angry with Melissa.

Of course the majority of the women see this as evidence of Teresa's guilt, but Teresa argues that Jacqueline and Caroline both knew that something was going to go down. Andy asks who was texting Jacqueline during the show, and she refuses to say since it's a very good friend of Teresa's.

And then Caroline starts in about how she and Jacqueline didn't REALLY know, and Kim D. says that she talks to Jacqueline for 90 minutes every day. She DOES? What fresh hell is this? Teresa sees this as evidence that Jacqueline had extended involvement, and eventually Juicy has to give Teresa a kiss on the lips and tell her to calm down because he wants to get out of there and go have dinner. Even Kim D. is like, "Why is everybody yelling?" which is how you know things are bad. So, Andy recaps: Kim D. knew what was going to go down, and Teresa knew that something was going down involving Melissa. And then we get to the point where Teresa is screaming that she never said Melissa was a stripper. What she apparently has said is that there were RUMORS that Melissa was a stripper. Oh, the mind of Teresa. I imagine it's just very sticky in there. Melissa says that she'll never look at Teresa again -- she and her children are both done with her. Teresa calls Melissa contrived and calculating, and says that she must have learned a lot in the strip club. Aaaaaaand, bingo. She adds a belated, "...as a bartender." Amazing, really.

Andy asks Joe if he sees a future remedy to his relationship with Teresa. If there is one, I certainly won't be around to recap it! Teresa and Joe then both get very emotional. Teresa says that they both got married and changed. She wants him to be happy, and she loves his kids, and that's it. Chris says that he can see tears in the eyes of both Joe and Teresa. They do want a relationship, but everyone is sitting there arguing about trivial bullshit. What's happened with their son has made Chris realize what's important, and this shit isn't important. In Touch magazine is important, though. Chris Laurita does actually seem like a normal, sensible human being, BLK Water aside.

So, let's wrap this shit up, shall we? Teresa's bronzing glitter is catching, sadly for Andy Cohen. She is in no mood to talk about glittery things, though, since she has lost her voice. In turn, Andy has lost his hearing. You have to love how he just laughs off the destruction of a family! Andy asks for final thoughts. Caroline thinks that none of them will be too happy when they watch themselves on the reunion, but adds that the only way to heal is to speak your truth. Or, in this case, scream your truth. Caroline admits that things are terrible with her and Dina right now, but she loves Dina dearly, and where there's love there's hope. That's what family is all about. She thinks that one day all of them will sit around saying "remember when," because there's nothing stronger than the bond of family and true friendship. They've gone through so much together, and there's much hope for them, because you can't have this much pain without love. We end there, before we can hear Juicy screaming at her to shut up from backstage.

And with that, it's over! Hallelujah, we made it out alive! I had my doubts many, many times, most notably when Richie made that comment about Kathy tasting like fish. Much like in the song "Somewhere Out There," I take comfort from the fact that we are all looking at the same glowing orb and lamenting the state of humanity together. Have a lovely holiday season, and if someone you know used to be a stripper, I'd recommend just keeping that information to yourself.

Potes is free at last! Free at last! (Please don't tell her editors about the lost footage show.) Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com with your sympathies.