Pretty Pretenders, Negligent Vendors

S04E22

Things get still when Andy asks Teresa why she thinks Caroline won't accept her apology, and then Caroline says she wants to clear some things up. When the Giudice bankruptcy first happened, says Caroline, they were there for Teresa. Teresa does not argue with this. Then when Kathy and Melissa came into the picture, Caroline says, she was horrible to them, out of loyalty to Teresa. Eventually, she apologized to them, which I think I remember from some time ago. Or maybe Caroline talked about it on the last reunion? Teresa admits that she was hurt when Kathy and Melissa came on the show, and Caroline says that she felt for Teresa until she met them. In turn, she asks Teresa how she thinks it felt for Caroline to watch her with Dina at the Fabellini party. It was a knife in Caroline's heart, and Caroline asks why it's okay for Teresa to bring Dina on the show to talk shit about her but not for the producers to bring Teresa's relatives on the show to talk shit about her. Teresa argues that she and Dina are friends, and Dina was just supporting her at her fake party. This gives Andy an opening to ask what Caroline's relationship with Dina is now, and Caroline says that they're not speaking. Oh how I wish Dina would come back for good. I think Grandma Wrinkles should be moderating this reunion as well.

Oh God, and then if you thought things couldn't get worse, it's time for a montage about Melissa's perfect life and burgeoning recording career. Death, destruction. Melissa promotes her new song, "I Just Wanna," and accompanying video. A viewer asks Teresa if she thinks Melissa can sing without Auto-Tune, and Teresa notes that she appears to lip sync quite a bit. Melissa then sings a verse of her song right there and, I am loath to admit, is marginally not terrible. I mean, she's not good either, but she can carry like half of a tune. Teresa first wants to hear Melissa sing a whole song, and then proceeds to say that she can sing too and bust into the chorus of "On Display." Caroline cannot believe the shitshow, but is clearly rather enjoying it. Andy asks Melissa how she felt when Teresa's kids criticized her singing, and Melissa says that it hurts because she loves them. Teresa says that she reprimanded them afterwards, but Caroline and Jacqueline mumble that she was laughing in the scene.

Things somehow get to the point where Jacqueline pretends to sleep and Teresa offers to cook chicken cutlets in front of everyone. Melissa then says that they all know that Teresa's mother cooks the meal and then she tweets the picture. And then things get back to Melissa lip syncing, and Melissa explains that she actually sings to a track when performing live, which is not the same thing as lip syncing. Well, marginally. I don't think anyone is claiming that Melissa is the Maria Callas, though. While yet more yelling happens, Caroline mumbles to Jacqueline that Teresa always has to push down the success of others. And, ugh. I am going to take a moment here to reflect upon how happy I am that this show is ending week, and also to ask for some reader advice on a not-unrelated topic. What do you do when you have a cat -- let's call this cat "Caroline" -- who is bullying another cat -- whom we shall call "Teresa." "Teresa" has gotten to the point where when she enters a room she just slinks under a chair or table and tries to stay perfectly still while never relaxing. "Caroline," meanwhile, darts at "Teresa" and attacks her at any given opportunity. She also weighs exactly double what "Teresa" weighs, so could potentially do damage in a physical altercation. Right now they're mostly separated, which is wearing on all parties quite a bit. They have been living together for one month, which is like four Housewives seasons in feline years. Their sister-in-law "Dina" is a whole other matter, though a less pressing issue overall. If anyone has peacemaking advice, please email me at potesypotes@gmail.com! The Pawsche fashion show is coming up in mere weeks, and I want everything to go as smoothly as possible.

Andy breaks in to redirect the conversation and talk about the lovely relationship between Kathy and Rosie. Kathy mumbles that Teresa tried to destroy that too, and a video montage kind of bears that out. Remember how Teresa said that Kathy hated the fact that Rosie was gay? Yeah. In touching times, though, Rosie came out to Kathy's kids and it was all very sweet. Rosie, now calmed, takes a seat on the couch, and Andy asks her to talk about coming out to Victoria and Joseph. Rosie says that they were so sweet with her, and never realized that she was gay. To them she was always just their funny Aunt Rosie, and she loves them for that. Jacqueline and Caroline both get a tear as Rosie tells anyone out there who is scared to come out to just do it because a weight is lifted and you can finally be happy. Andy seems to be either amused or touched, or maybe a combination of the two.

Rosie also clarifies that when she and Kathy fought, it wasn't about her being gay. It was because after their father died and she was quite vulnerable, Rosie started dating a woman who led her down the wrong path. Kathy felt like this woman was trying to take advantage of Rosie, which led to trouble between them. Teresa butts in to say that she always wanted Rosie to hang out with them back in the day but Kathy did not, and Rosie wonders why Teresa never picked up the phone and invited her anywhere. Teresa says that she did and, to put it mildly, Rosie does not recall this. There is more screaming for a while, but Rosie finally wraps things up by saying that no one will ever come between her and Kathy. Unlike some other siblings we know! Andy asks how Kathy did react to Rosie's coming out, and Rosie said that she was still struggling with herself. She adds that she went through pain that no one sitting on the couch could ever imagine. At that point Andy is like, "...Uh, been there." In any case, eventually Rosie came out, and her mother was also lovely and accepting. And she's single! Go get her, ladies.

After a break, we review the RV trip. Everything was going so swimmingly for a while, and Andy notes it was fun for viewers to see the Giudices and Gorgas getting along. But then, of course, there was ToastGate 2012. Teresa says that she did not deliberately leave Kathy out of the toast, but Kathy isn't quite buying it. Teresa tries to get Andy to move on to the subject, and then Kathy brings up the fact that Teresa is pissed off because Kathy called her mother a liar. Andy wants to keep the mothers out of it, and then Teresa tells Kathy and her fake nose and fake lips to shut up. The camera zooms in on Jacqueline, who simply points at her boobs and her lips. There was an Us Weekly article where Lauren Manzo said that Xanax was being passed around like candy at this reunion, and nowhere is it more obvious than in Jacqueline's reactions. Kathy apologizes for slamming Teresa's mother, and then Teresa agrees to move back to the Gorga couch. The closer to punch you, my pretties!

Andy asks Caroline a viewer question about why she agreed to go on the Napa trip if she refused to have a good time. Caroline says that she didn't refuse to have a good time, but upon prompting notes that she still did not have a good time. Oh, and then we get a montage of the Caroline/Teresa feud, which started with words about being as Italian as the Olive Garden, and ended with Teresa leaving Napa a day early. Andy asks why Caroline wouldn't accept the apologies that Teresa offered throughout the season, and Caroline says that they were not sincere. In Napa, Teresa called her a see-you--Tuesday and a bitch and laughed at her. Teresa fact checks this accusation, and upon hearing that it's true basically argues that Caroline was indeed being a see-you--Tuesday. I feel like that's fair logic, actually.

Andy reads a viewer question asking if Jacqueline was really sleeping during the epic fight in Napa. I mean, of course not. She was, however, sick of dealing with all the bullshit. Oooh, and then a viewer asks if Teresa regrets the way she treated Danielle Staub, given the big karmic whomping she got in the form of Caroline's bullying. Teresa says that she does regret this, and then Caroline asks her to name one instance in which she was a bully. Teresa says that Caroline was a bully the whole season, but Caroline wants a specific example. At that point there is much yelling, and then Xanax Jacqueline laughs that Teresa is such a fucking moron that she can't take it. And then there is a long interlude in which Caroline basically bullies Teresa into trying to name a specific example of a time when she bullied Teresa. Teresa is, indeed, too much of a moron to say, "Right now." Melissa Gorga looks weary, mostly because the attention is not at all on her.

But back to our real show. Andy asks, via a viewer question, why Melissa and Joe are selling their house. Melissa tries to squeeze out a tear as she says that she doesn't want her kids to go to school with Teresa's kids. She claims it has nothing to do with financial issues, though Teresa points out that the kids don't even actually go to the same school. The kids love each other now, but Melissa seems to think that the Giudice girls will gang up on Antonia when they get to junior high. Hmm, methinks I smell the scent of the bullshito flower wafting on the breeze. Teresa and Melissa yell at each other about some money stuff, which is too dull to try to decode.

We are then treated to a montage of Melissa and Teresa fighting throughout the season. It's really miraculous that no one got punched. We are also reminded that Melissa was in cahoots with Danielle a few seasons ago. There is a whole lot of yelling about the fact that Teresa said (and believed) that Melissa was a golddigger, but once the ladies get this out of their systems Andy Cohen asks about Melissa fraternizing with Danielle Staub. Facebook email is somehow involved, which is certainly a sign of nefarious activity. Melissa admits that she didn't like Teresa so much at that time (when they were filming Season 3), in part because Teresa would always call her and talk about what a star she was. Teresa denies it, and then says that Melissa wrote "On Display" about her. Caroline and Jacqueline just start laughing, while I am puzzled at the thought that Melissa actually got a co-writing credit for her song.

Andy then cuts down to it, noting the recurring theme that Melissa joined the show to hurt Teresa. Teresa thinks that's true, and then there is some yelling in which Melissa claims that her shady relationship with Danielle did not get her on the show. When Andy asks Melissa why she did join the show, she says that it's an opportunity, like it is for everyone else. If the roles were reversed, she's certain that Teresa would not have bypassed this opportunity either. Teresa claims that she would have found something else to do, then yells that Melissa came on the show to destroy her. The answer here is: famewhores, all. A viewer asks when Teresa is going to let go of her grudge against Kathy and Melissa, and she says that she already has. I mean, obviously. Melissa notes that Teresa let go of the grudge only when Jacqueline and Caroline were no longer her friends, and then Teresa makes a big display of thanking God for getting crazy out of her life. Let's just say that He hasn't quite finished the job.

And then we are treated to a few moments of Joe Giudice getting his makeup done, threatening to pick a big booger out of his nose and flick it, and drinking a Red Bull much to Andy Cohen's terror and chagrin. That is some classic Juicy for you, right there.

So, Juicy on the couch. Andy notes that he doesn't look all that thrilled to be there, and asks him what he thinks of the Teresa phenomenon. Juicy says that Teresa is a great mother, a great wife, a great everything, and he's proud of her. He doesn't watch Real Housewives, but did watch Celebrity Apprentice. So did Caroline, I'm sure just to talk about how much of a dumb-ass Teresa was. I mean, I did that too. Oh, and then we get a montage of Teresa and Juicy's marriage troubles. Yeep. The worst of the worst, of course, was when Juicy took that suspicious call in Napa and referred to Teresa as some rather unsavory names. Oh, and then apparently Teresa and Juicy renewed their vows? I must have missed that important world news.

Andy gets right to the Napa call, and asks Joe who he was talking to. A few moments go by before Joe says, "Albie," which raises a lot of eyebrows. But it turns out it's not THAT Albie -- it's a guy Juicy has known for a long time who was taking care of things back home. You can guess exactly how many people on stage are buying that one. Andy asks point blank if he was talking to a girlfriend, and Joe says that if it was a girlfriend, he would have ripped his mic off and thrown it in the bushes. He goes on to say that he shouldn't have said the nasty things about Teresa, adding, "That word isn't even in my vocabulary." Okay, now that's taking it way past the limits of believability. Teresa says that she was hurt upon seeing the footage for the first time, but adds that the C-word is one that Joe never says to her. This prompts a glance between Caroline and Jacqueline. Juicy says that there was no excuse for saying it, and he regrets it, and Teresa adds that she's not going to divorce her husband for calling her a cunt. Melissa pipes in to say that the groaning was what seemed most suspicious, which Teresa does not appreciate. Andy asks Joe why he had to pretend to speak another language if he was talking to a co-worker, and Joe says that Albie put his Spanish pizza guy on the phone. I thought the pizza was done? Even Andy can't believe what is happening right now.

Andy asks Jacqueline for her opinion on this whole thing, and she says that the name calling was familiar to her. Teresa claims that Juicy has never before called her a cunt -- after all, that word isn't even in his vocabulary! Just like a whole lot of words! Jacqueline rolls her eyes and says she's not going to go there. Joe tells us that he and Teresa don't fight longer than an hour or two, and then they're over it. This one, though, took about three days. He adds that the C-word cost him a lot of money, because he had to go to the jewelry store many times. With Teresa's cookbook profits? For just a moment, there is a flicker across Andy Cohen's face and I have to wonder if he's facing the full magnitude of what he hath wrought. A viewer wants to know how Joe feels about Teresa bringing home the bacon, and he claims to pay the bills. Teresa says that her money is her money, and Joe's money is her money, and he lets her spend it however she wants. It's a great financial planning strategy, as evidenced by the fact that their ramshackle mansion is empty and they have all inflatable furniture.

Another viewer asks Jacqueline to comment on her earlier statement that Joe and Teresa put up a front where their marriage is concerned. At first she refuses to comment, but Joe and Teresa say that she can say whatever she wants. It turns out that Teresa insinuated in her blog that Chris had cheated on Jacqueline. Teresa claims that Jacqueline told her that Chris cheated on her a while ago and that she doesn't trust him. Jacqueline denies this, and eventually Juicy makes a legit point, saying, "Who gives a crap if he cheated on you or not? Really. Nobody cares."

For some reason, this last bit really sets off Xanax Jacqueline. As long as they're being honest, she says, she'd like everyone to know that Joe calls Teresa the C-word all the time, and she calls him names too, and then they punch each other. Maybe it's a weird kind of foreplay? While Jacqueline is on a roll, she'd like us all to know that Teresa confessed to her that Joe cheated on her several times -- with the secretary and the babysitter, among others. And! Teresa walked in on him when he had the babysitter over the desk in his office. Andy Cohen looks so nervous right now. He is probably thinking, as we are, what self-respecting babysitter would bang Juicy Joe? I thought today's teens would have more sense! Jacqueline adds that Danielle Staub was once out with Joe and Teresa, and Joe was with a stripper the whole time. Andy questions Danielle's credibility as a source, and Joe tells Jacqueline that she has serious issues and needs to get her head checked. Andy asks Joe plainly if he's ever cheated on Teresa, and Joe says that he has not. To quote the man himself, "Who gives a crap if he cheated on you or not? Really. Nobody cares." Jacqueline says that because Teresa and Joe's marriage looks like shit on TV, they're trying to make everyone else's look bad too. Juicy tells her not to go there, and Melissa points out that Teresa goes there all the time with everyone else. And then there's so much yelling. So very much yelling. The upshot is that everyone still hates Teresa, and vice versa. Eventually Juicy asks why he's here and belches, and we're out.

week: OH MY GOD THE END FINALLY!!!! VICTORY IS MINE!!!!

Potes deserves hazard pay for this shit. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com with your sympathies.