And lo, just when we thought it would never end we are in scenic Atlantic City for Part 1 of the endless reunion of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Andy Cohen is hosting, per usual, and mentions that these ladies have not all been together in the same room since the night before last year's reunion, which was also the Posche Fashion Show of Doom and Destruction. This is the sole reason why they are all still in the realm of the living. Andy introduces the Housewives one by one, and when he gets to Kathy he notes that she has a new nose and some plumper lips. I predict she will look like Jocelyn Wildenstein by Season 7. It's too bad, I actually loved her profile.
We are reminded that Jacqueline missed last year's reunion show, and then Andy notes specifically that Teresa and Jacqueline have not seen each other since the Posche Fashion Show. Much like the Honey Badger she so resembles, Teresa could not give two shits. And then we have the first of many flashback montages, in which we transition from Jacqueline's absence at the Season 3 reunion to the Posche show and the bald guy and the set-up accusations. Back in present truculent reunion times, Andy asks Jacqueline why she didn't show up at the last reunion. She says that the Posche shenanigans so disgusted her that she didn't want to do the show anymore. Apparently she was crying all night, as she is apparently wont to do. Caroline butts in to say that it was Teresa's accusations that Jacqueline was behind a set-up that caused her to go into breakdown mode, and Jacqueline agrees. And then Caroline and Jacqueline start talking over each other for a while, and the whole point of their cacophonous diatribes are that Teresa is evil, evil, evil. Shocking, I know.
Teresa says that she hasn't spoken to her brother since the Posche fashion show, and it's all because Jacqueline said that she was involved in the set-up against Melissa. Jacqueline butts in quickly to say that Teresa was, in fact, involved. Teresa's response is, "I wasn't. Prove it, bitch." Jacqueline says that a) Teresa asked her to do said dirty deed set-up at the beginning of the season; and b) She has a recording, which it is illegal to share, of a friend of Teresa's saying that she was involved. Teresa denies, but Melissa isn't buying it either. Teresa claims that Jacqueline had a breakdown post-Posche because she ruined a family. The general consensus is that if anyone ruined the Gorga family, it was Teresa herself. As Jacqueline goes on the attack, Teresa just sits there and nods (with, I may add, flawless hair) and says that Jacqueline was setting her up for the whole season. Oh, everyone, I am so very weary! We've already gone through 20 vitriolic episodes this season! And now here we are with no possibility of having Milania come out with a little comic relief. In this moment, we are all hookers and not cookers.
Andy reads a viewer question asking Teresa if she's seen any of the other Housewives since the fashion show. She says she's only seen Melissa, who came to Gia and Milania's birthday party. Lest you think that was nice, Teresa assures us that it was not and that, in fact, she had to find out that Melissa was coming from Hollywood.com. It was all for publicity, says Teresa. Melissa has her own version of that story, which is that she never RSVPs for Teresa's parties because it is a known fact that she'll be there. ORLY? Even now? Anyway, she was at a red carpet event (new strip club opening?) and a reporter asked her when she last saw Teresa, and Melissa said she was seeing her that weekend, and then Teresa told everyone that she RSVP'ed via Hollywood.com. See, the real problem here is that these ladies have exactly enough notoriety to be featured on Hollywood.com. That's the shit that they let destroy their family. Anyway, hate blah reow hiss hate Gorga hate stripper blah.
Andy Cohen attempts to take a break from all the Teresa drama by exploring how Jacqueline has taken pains to get Ashle(e)(y) back on track. This sadly entails a montage featuring Ashle(e)(y). We had a moment's hope when we learned that Ashle(e)(y) left her gas running for three days, but then it turned out that she was fine. Jacqueline reports that Ashle(e)(y) has a paying job now and that they are much closer, la di dah. Andy then reads a viewer question, asking about Jacqueline and Chris allegedly being $8 million in debt for an apparel bankruptcy, and fraudulently using private planes. Jacqueline denies it all, saying that she and Chris are not in personal bankruptcy. There was a business bankruptcy apparently, which Jacqueline says is completely different from the Giudice bankruptcy, which then of course sets Teresa off.
Also, apparently, Jacqueline is a compulsive tweeter. And truly, if you ever want to become even more depressed about humanity, follow any of the Real Housewives on Twitter. Carole Radziwill is the one notable exception. In any case, Jacqueline has said shit on Twitter about Teresa, which Jacqueline thinks is better than all of Teresa's shady behind-the-back talk, and then everyone is mad at everyone again. By "everyone is mad at everyone," really I mean that everyone is mad at Teresa and Teresa is mad at everyone. Throughout all of this, the real tragedy is Kathy Wakile's new nose. RIP, lovely distinctive nose, I am writing your eulogy as we speak.
But back to Jacqueline. She recently revealed that her son Nicholas is autistic. We relive Jacqueline's difficult journey to give birth to Nicholas. We learned during the first season that she had had four miscarriages, but then she finally had Nicholas and he was a lovely baby. We go through a montage of footage, mostly not from the show, and Jacqueline and Caroline both start crying as they watch it. There's a clip of Chris saying that he and Jacqueline are dealing with some very real issues, and then clips of Nicholas engaging with the family. We end with an audio clip of Nicholas saying I love you to Jacqueline. This sends her into a real fit of sobs, and we see Caroline saying that he will say that again. Apparently Nicholas has regressed and no longer says, "I love you," which obviously is quite hard for Jacqueline. And then any iota of sympathy that anyone had for Teresa vanishes as she says that Nicholas was Audriana's boyfriend, but now they had to break up. I am typically not Team Big Red Manzo, but have to get totally behind her when she tells Teresa not to try to bring it back around to herself. Caroline threatens to go fucking berserk, which seems appropriate, and tells Teresa to sit back and shut the fuck up. There is much general agreement. What a complete asshole.
Teresa calls Caroline an old hag, and then there is discussion about how she didn't know that Nicholas regressed, in part because she never bothers to ask how anyone else is doing. Jacqueline did not want to talk about Nicholas's autism on camera, because she and Chris needed to get a handle on the situation first. She adds that first and foremost, Nicholas is a beautiful kid who happens to have autism. Andy asks why, when there was so much magazine drama this season, Jacqueline chose to publicly reveal the autism in that way. She says that People is good with those types of stories, and she thought it would help bring awareness. She adds that she did not get paid. Meanwhile, Melissa and Teresa have a side squabble about absolutely fucking nothing. Poor Jacqueline. After all this it is in fact difficult to believe that she'd have the time or the inclination to bother setting up Teresa. It is also quite difficult for Teresa to garner any sympathy points in her battle against Jacqueline, and so she would be wise to heed Caroline's advice and shut the fuck up.
And then we get to relive in excruciating detail the dissipation of Jacqueline and Teresa's friendship. Teresa makes Andy feel her heart and how fast it's beating, and he is visibly disgusted at having to touch her orange implant. At one point, on the Napa trip, it seemed like a talk had happened and there was hope for the Jacqueline-Teresa friendship. Andy asks what happened, and Jacqueline says that later that night the window of Teresa's RV was open and she overheard Teresa saying, "I hate Jacqueline. I can't even look at her f'ing face." Teresa asks who she was talking to, and Melissa jumps in to say that Teresa was talking to her.
Even Andy Cohen is in disbelief at this point. He asks how all this happened, and Jacqueline basically says that Teresa had been out to expose Kathy and Melissa (mostly Melissa, I'm guessing) from the moment that they came onto the show and wanted to enlist Jacqueline's help in doing so. And what she wanted to expose, of course, was the fact that Melissa was a stripper and, because Kathy is largely too boring to even take down, that she didn't get a designer bag until she was 40 and lived in a busted house. The conversation ends with Jacqueline saying that Teresa is a liar, and sick, and going to hell. I feel like even the devil would be like, "...Ummmm, we're kind of at capacity right now." Because there are three full episodes of reunion to fill, Andy Cohen does not yet drop this subject and instead asks Jacqueline and Teresa if there is any hope for their friendship. I'm going to go ahead and answer that one with a big fat no.
And then it's time to move on to the big ball of sunshine known as Caroline Manzo and her progeny. They went through many struggles this season. Caroline was going through menopause! Lauren was fat! Albie had a controversial girlfriend! After their montage is through, Andy notes that viewers had some strong feelings about Caroline this season. They said that she was a bully, stubborn, and a shit-stirrer. One viewer called her a bitter ginger with a twist of lemon-face, and noted that Lauren was version 2.0. Very astute, viewer! Caroline says that she went to the doctor and was diagnosed as a bitch. She then went to America for a second opinion, and the diagnosis was confirmed. Even Caroline didn't like herself this season. And it turns out that she's not even going through menopause! Wait, but how is that even possible?
In any case, Lauren Manzo gets trotted out to show off her new lap band. I don't know, I think she looks kind of the same. Lauren tells Andy that she was becoming a monster, and it was because she was unhappy with her weight. To make matters worse, as a public figure (kind of) she had to deal with people on Twitter calling her fat and disgusting. That was totally Teresa. Anyway, she decided to get the lap band and has lost 35 pounds so far. She exercises, too, I think just so nobody can say that she doesn't work hard.
Oooh, and then a viewer calls Caroline out on her shit by asking why she said she couldn't relate to Lauren's weight struggle when in fact she was heavy during season one and lost a lot of weight. Caroline says that when she was younger, she was skinny like Melissa, and she didn't gain weight until she was older. She talks about Lauren needing to gain self-confidence and how she, Caroline, would tell her how beautiful and special she was. Andy calls bullshit, noting that she was awfully harsh and direct with Lauren. Caroline does not think that this contributed to Lauren's lack of self-esteem. Plus, Caroline only called Lauren an asshole behind her back. Mother of the year!
A viewer asks Teresa what she thinks of Caroline as a mother. Teresa says that the Manzo spawn are great. The only criticism she has of them is that they don't have real jobs. I mean, she may not be wrong on that point. In response, Caroline calls Teresa a fool, and then gets "talk to the hand"-y. Somewhat out of context, Teresa tells Caroline that she has three rolls: blubber, blubber and blubber. Caroline says that she wears them proudly, and Teresa responds, "With a tummy tuck!" Oooh, now shit is getting real. Caroline admits that she had a tummy tuck when she as 39. But, she says, she has no Botox or fillers or facelifts. Teresa suggests that she might consider getting some elective surgery, and Lauren then says that Teresa's comments (figuratively) are the reason why people out there kill themselves.
Teresa asks why Lauren got a lap band, and Lauren says, "Because of dickheads like you, Teresa," which actually cracks Caroline up. Oh, damn, and then Lauren references Teresa's Bravo blog, which expressed sympathy for how Caroline spoke to Lauren. I mean, as a rule Teresa generally should shut up, but I think many of us can co-sign on that one. Lauren says that she feels sorry for Teresa's kids, and that when she was nine she wasn't accusing her father of cheating like Gia is. And THEN she calls Teresa out for having ghostwritten blogs. She asks her to spell and define napalm, which is apparently a word used in one of Teresa's blogs. I mean, the fact that Teresa's blog isn't a giant shaky "X" every week is enough to assure us that she has a ghostwriter.
, Andy asks Teresa if she meant the apology to all of the other Housewives that she gave via InTouch. Is that even a real question? The ladies all briefly get on Teresa for liberally using the c-word, and then Melissa says that she'd like Teresa to turn around because she's tired of talking to her extensions, and then Teresa says that she isn't wearing extensions, and then Melissa says that she did last year, and then Teresa says that she also wore glitter eyeshadow last year just like Melissa is wearing right now because she's a giant copycat. This is an actual thing that is happening!!!
Ugggh, and then they start talking about the fucking magazines again. How long until someone mentions the cookbook? As Caroline starts to bring up the fact that Teresa pimped out Gia for some sort of trashy article, Teresa wonders why Caroline knows so many (nationally published) things about her, and deduces that it must be because Caroline wants to be her. Jacqueline assures Teresa that nobody wants to be her, and Andy Cohen wisely decides to move on.
Then it's time to review Kathy's boring season. Desserts, kids, blah. The only thing that maintained our interest in Kathy throughout this time was her nose, and now that's gone too. Oh God, and remember the time when Richie said that she tasted like fish and gets it done? Ah yes, and then the cookbook. Pizzelle-gate 2012! Over the course of the season, Richie made some very nasty comments about Teresa, which Teresa simultaneously doesn't care about and formatted into an outline. Teresa does get five points for using the word "rip," as in, "It's okay for Richie Wakile to rip on Teresa." Kathy brings up the fact that Teresa accused Rich of being obsessed with her, and Teresa then gags, and Kathy points out that Teresa has no business talking such smack given that she is married to fucking Juicy Joe. One million points to Kathy for that. Teresa then suggests that they put both Juicy and Richie on a street corner and see to whom the ladies flock. She predicts that Juicy will pick up more girls. Jacqueline is all, "That's been proven," and Caroline actually tells her not to go there.
There is more nastiness, and then a viewer asks when Kathy's dessert line is coming out. The answer is who the fuck cares. Also in news that no one gives a rat about, Victoria is staying local for college. Oh damn, and then Andy asks Kathy if she intended to insult Teresa at the cookbook signing, and Teresa calls Kathy a disgusting piece of shit! And then there is so much yelling and some more yelling and also yelling, and Jacqueline assures us that this is what it was like behind the scenes, and thus why she was going crazy. And then when you think that we've had all the madness that we can take, Teresa says that Kathy and Richie almost got divorced. Kathy denies this. Teresa then says that even her mother knew, and Kathy calls Teresa's mother a fucking liar! Twice! That is some amazing shit right there. Caroline and Jacqueline are like, "This is what happens when you go on a show with actual monsters." Teresa then switches couches, and Jacqueline asks if they can snuggle. Teresa looks dumb in response, more so than her usual dumb looking face.
Caroline attempts to therapize the situation, asking Teresa if the comment hurt her. But Teresa is too invested in wanting to call Kathy garbage. She sits calmly for a nanosecond before getting rage-face and saying she wants to see Kathy say that to her dad. Kathy apparently went to try to talk to Teresa's parents, and her dad walked out. Thus, says Kathy, he is a coward. This of course sets Teresa off even more, and she says that Kathy worshipped her dad, and that he was in fact there for Kathy and her siblings more than their own dad. As Kathy starts going crazy, Melissa calmly says to Andy that Rosie is going to kill Teresa. Andy is all, "What?" and Melissa is like, "Rosie. Will. Kill her." On cue, we hear Rosie screaming backstage that her father is dead, and untouchable, and that she doesn't care if she gets locked up -- she is going to KILL TERESA. I mean, that would solve a lot of problems, actually.
week: Oh my God, I don't even know. If we're lucky Rosie will just go ahead and kill them all.
Potes deserves hazard pay for this shit. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com with your sympathies.