This season on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Everyone hated Teresa for TWENTY EPISODES. The end.
And lo, it is the season finale! I am so excited, you guys, I can't even explain it. Of course there is still the 17-part reunion to go, but I haven't felt quite so certain that life is worth living in months! The threat of seeing Kim D. again does add a patina of despair, though. In any case, we enter with that bald dude who was apparently middle management at the place where Melissa allegedly was a stripper saying hi to her at the Posche fashion show. He is the worst actor ever, saying, "I hear this is... uh... Kim's... uhhh... fashion show." How many times do you go to an event and all of a sudden be like, "Oh! I hear this is... uh... Jim and Tammy's... uhhh... wedding." Wouldn't you already know before you got there? Do you just show up and ask around? Anyway, Kathy is getting a bad vibe from the whole situation. She must be psychic! Bald Guy then asks Teresa how she's doing, which is of course a clue that she might be involved somehow in this shit-fuck-fest.
After Bald Guy leaves (What is his NAME? Wait, don't answer that.) Melissa says that she knows she knows him, but can't remember from where. Teresa, whose inability to properly know even rudimentary clichés never fails to impress, says that her heart is "beating 500." Psychic Kathy thinks that maybe it's because she drank too much coffee. The fashion show begins, and I am not exaggerating when I say that the highlight is Lauren saying that she can see a model's twat, and then everyone at the table repeating the word "twat." Jacqueline notices that everyone seems to be having a jolly old time except for Teresa, and suspects that something is awry.
After Kim "Gollum" D. shrieks that everyone is going to dance their asses off, Teresa and Melissa retire to the ladies room. As Melissa innocently applies lip gloss, Teresa breathes heavily and eventually asks who Bald Guy is. Melissa sticks to her story and says she can't quite place him. Teresa in turn asks Melissa to feel her heart, which is obviously a ploy to get Melissa to touch her boobs. After many a feel is copped, Teresa says that she met Bald Guy at the salon prior to the fashion show, and asks Melissa if she used to work for him. Melissa still doesn't remember, and Teresa then busts out with the accusation that Melissa danced for him at a gentleman's club. Melissa gives her a somewhat bemused look, and Teresa quickly says that she knows it's not true. It turns out, according to Melissa, that she was not in fact a dancer but bartended for a week at a gentleman's club because her cousin ran the place. Joe Gorga knows that, and according to Melissa it's not a problem. In an interview, Melissa says that she did nothing wrong, and isn't ashamed of anything. And technically, the place is not a strip club, but a bikini bar. She'd just give old guys their drinks and they'd give her $100 bills in return. Um, are there openings? It sounds a hell of a lot easier than recapping. And we've seen Melissa and Teresa both enough in their bikinis for free, so I'd say this is not a very scandalous scandal.
Teresa explains that Bald Guy and Kim D. were discussing details of Melissa's employment, and she had to leave the room because she was so upset. I mean, yeah, but she practically had a glass to the door listening in. Melissa seems a bit put off by the fact that Teresa would get her heart beating 500 at the words of a mere stranger, and kind of randomly adds that she was a school teacher, which is much different than being a stripper. Melissa Gorga teaching second grade is enough in itself to warrant the parent trigger law. Don't back down, New Jersey parents! Teresa thinks that Melissa should go and confront Bald Guy for spreading nasty rumors, but Melissa claims that she doesn't really give a shit and doesn't understand why Teresa does.
Oh, and then. The aroma of dung wafts on the breeze as the proverbial shit hits the fan. Bald Guy is in the back of the room talking to another partygoer, and apparently doesn't realize how microphones work. He tells this person that Melissa used to dance for him, and Teresa knew about it too. And what's more, someone named Johnny called him and said that Teresa and Kim D. wanted to blow the whistle on holier than thou Melissa, and so had him do the bit where he came in and awkwardly asked Melissa how she was doing. At this point, Jacqueline gets a text from a mutual friend of hers and Teresa's saying that something is going down tonight, and that Jacqueline is not the target.
Back in the bathroom, Melissa asks Teresa if she really thinks her brother would have married a dancer. Teresa does not, given that they grew up inside the Pope's tall hat or on top of a church wafer or whatever. Melissa swears on the lives of her children that she was never a dancer. Teresa interviews that she had never believed that Melissa was a dancer, but now everything seems kind of "quinka dinket." Well, I could not have put it better myself. Between the lady who uses the term "quinka dinket" and the guy who doesn't know how microphones work, there's no way this evil cunning scheme couldn't have gone off without a hitch. Anyway, Melissa thinks that Bald Guy has no credibility because of his gross teeth, and also that it's pretty suspicious that Teresa didn't tell Bald Guy where to go when all this began. She starts to call Joe, thinking that he might want to come and have a conversation with Bald Guy. Teresa is not at all into the idea of Joe coming into this scene. She claims it's because you never know when someone might hit you over the head with something, and I'm guessing for her that is indeed a fact of daily life. But it's clear that Melissa has other ideas about why Teresa might not embrace the idea of seeing her brother exactly at this moment.
Melissa gets Joe on the phone and explains the situation, and Joe's first reaction is to say that Melissa was never a dancer. His second reaction is to question what Teresa's involvement is. Melissa says that she doesn't want to go and confront this dude without her husband by her side, but when Joe says he'll come immediately she tells him that she doesn't want him to get involved. Well, which is it?
Meanwhile, Kathy, Caroline, Lauren and Jacqueline eat some chicken. Jacqueline continues to get tantalizing texts, which she apparently shares with everyone but Kathy. Kathy is cool with that. Meanwhile, Teresa asks Kim D. where Bald Guy is, and it turns out that he left. Well, now Teresa and Melissa have only one another to confront! I'm sure that did not work out according to plan at all!
Teresa returns to her table with the other housewives, and Kathy asks what happened to Melissa. Teresa explains that she is still in the bathroom, and then tells Kathy about Bald Guy and his accusations, though she doesn't specify what they were. Caroline gets a knowing look, while Kathy simply says that the dude looked shady and people talk a lot of crap. Meanwhile, all the Manzo women are texting each other about the fact that something is obviously up. Caroline says that Teresa loves to strike in front of an audience, and Lauren notes to the other women that she's getting a bad feeling. Melissa returns, and Teresa tells her that Bald Guy left. Melissa thinks that's a good thing, since Joe might have killed him. I thought Joe wasn't coming? Oh, who knows or cares at this point. Caroline notes that this whole thing is the work of a bunch of clowns. If there was ever a, "Don't bother... they're here" moment, this is certainly it.
Just as things seem to be simmering down at the housewives table, freaking Kim D. comes over to apologize on behalf of what Bald Guy said, in what is obviously an attempt to try to get someone to say yet again that Melissa was a stripper. She is her usual grotesque self, and mentions the fact that Bald Guy works at the salon, which piques Melissa's interest. She tells Kim D. to shut up and take a walk, which gets Caroline's attention. Kim D. smirks in response, and Melissa is certain that she had a huge role in setting her up. She of course wonders if Teresa was also involved.
As Teresa is pulled off to have a shot with Kim D. and Juicy's brother Pete, Caroline asks Jacqueline if she can see the incriminating text again. Lauren tries to stop her, but Caroline shows it to Melissa anyway. Jacqueline is very suspicious about a lot of things, including the fact that Teresa went to a salon that she never goes to, and that her brother in law just happened to show up at a ladies' fashion show. She obviously thinks that Teresa is involved, or else it is quite an unbelievable quinka dinket. Melissa reads the text, says, "un-fucking-believable," and we head to commercials.
When we return, Kathy and Melissa head outside to get some air and have a chat. Melissa recounts the situation with Bald Guy and his specific accusation of stripperdom. Kathy interviews that she doesn't care what Melissa did or didn't do. She and Joe have everlasting love of the kind that only a demonic devil (slash blazing moron) would want to ruin. Melissa tells Kathy that all of the bad stuff coming her way is Teresa-generated.
Meanwhile, Caroline and Jacqueline talk about what an obvious set up this is. And then freaking Joe Gorga and Richie show up looking for Bald Guy. Melissa is all, "I TOLD you you didn't have to come!" even though she really kind of did. She's an even worse actor than Teresa, though a Meryl-Streep-level thespian compared to Bald Guy. Joe is obviously agitated, and also is very interested by the fact that Pete Giudice is in the building.
Eventually, Jacqueline and Melissa agree that not only was Teresa a part of this set-up, but is in fact the main setter-upper. Melissa wonders why Teresa would try to take her down when they've made such strides in their relationship. She warns all the bitches out there to buckle up. Noted! Oh boy, and then Joe Gorga enters the building looking for Bald Guy and/or Pete Giudice. Melissa totally hopes that Pete gets a beating. Joe gets the other Bald Guy who is maybe the salon owner (????? I seriously have no idea anymore.) to text main Bald Guy (whom he says only worked at the salon for a day, which apparently is a common thing in New Jersey), and meanwhile Melissa lets Teresa know that someone accused her of being the architect of the set-up. Teresa wants to know who made such an accusation. The answer is THE WORLD. Melissa interviews that Teresa can try to pass it all off on Kim D., but everyone obviously knows better. Unless, in fact, Melissa set all this up herself to make us view her more sympathetically. Or maybe we are all just bit players in Andy Cohen's dream. In any case, Melissa vows not to be fooled thrice by Teresa.
Back outside, Jacqueline gives Joe information about her informant, who told her that Bald Guy was setting Melissa up on purpose and was making up the story. Now, the making up part we never heard him say. I still don't give two shits about whether Melissa was a stripper, but even amidst his confessions about the set up itself the guy did say that Melissa used to dance for him. Anyway, Joe wonders why Teresa would tell Melissa about the accusation and get everyone all upset, and Jacqueline lets loose with her theory that Teresa wanted other people to hear all about it. Back inside, Pete Giudice is congratulating Teresa on a job well done. Hmm. In an interview, Teresa tells us that her conscience is clear because she had nothing to do with this set up, but if Melissa wants to go ahead and ruin their family with her petty accusations, she can. Somewhere in the distance, Danielle Staub cackles.
Meanwhile, Caroline is disgusted, but really that's just her perennial state of being. Oh, and then fucking Kim D. comes out to ask what's going on. No one is in the mood for her bullshit, least of all Joe Gorga who is now clear that she had something to do with all the drama. He tells Kim D. to get out of his face, and then calls her the scum of the earth. I feel like that's actually being rather complimentary when it comes to Kim D. She in turn tells him that he's nothing, and shouldn't fuck with her because she plays with the big boys. I think this is specifically who she means. There are a lot of words back and forth, and Joe basically calls Kim D. a disgusting coke whore. I think we can all co-sign on that one. If Joe weren't so committed to chivalry, the two might have come to blows, which would have been thrilling and disturbing in equal amounts.
After a break, Kathy wonders how deeply Teresa is involved and why. Whatever the case, she knows that she did nothing to stop the shit-fuck-fest from happening, and adds that when you associate with scum, you become scum. Meanwhile, it seems like Joe is going to leave, until Melissa catches up with him to whisper that Teresa was involved too. Now Joe wants to tell off Teresa, which in turn makes Melissa pretend that she doesn't want him to get involved. Jesus Christ, people, WE CAN HEAR YOU. Oh, and then Caroline starts getting revved up too. As Jacqueline tells us that her source said that Teresa knew about this set up at least two weeks in advance, Joe Gorga decrees that no one shall ever go to a Posche fashion show again! But then how would we ever have season finales?
As there's more of the same, Lauren Manzo tells Caroline only that Teresa has in the past told her that Melissa was a stripper, so she knows that the setup did indeed come from Teresa. And I mean, it was executed so idiotically, how could she not be involved? Joe Gorga has a little tête-à-tête with Jacqueline, and learns exactly what she heard from her friend, which heavily implicates Teresa as the mastermind behind this devious plot. Melissa says that she gives up, and Joe tells us that he's through. A person that can try to hurt you so bad, he says, doesn't love you. He's ready to move on with his Teresa-free life. I mean, good for them for getting along for all of, like, six days, though. That therapist should be really proud of his work.
After Joe and Melissa leave, Teresa approaches Jacqueline to ask if she told Melissa that Teresa sold her out. Jacqueline explains about the texts, and Teresa says that she never met Bald Guy prior to the day in the salon. Oh God, and then Teresa and Jacqueline start going at it. Caroline stands on the sidelines just shaking her head. And then Teresa says that perhaps someone is trying to set HER up, and perhaps Jacqueline is involved. Caroline tells us that Jacqueline is now having her "a ha" moment, which revolves around the fact that Teresa is a monster. That is such a waste of an "a ha" moment. Jacqueline wonders in an interview why she would ever set up Melissa, since she actually likes Melissa. She thinks that Teresa is disgusting and -- word of the day! -- scum for even suggesting it.
Oh God, and then it turns out that Melissa and Joe aren't gone quite yet. As they drive by the entire scene in their gigantic SUV, Melissa whispers to Joe that he should yell "Shame on you!" to Teresa from their window. Instead, Joe starts to improvise, and Melissa has to keep feeding him his line. It doesn't work, though, and instead he and Teresa get into an argument about why Teresa didn't throw Bald Guy out... of a party that isn't even her party. Anyway! Melissa theorizes that Teresa wants everyone to think that Melissa was a stripper because it will give legitimacy to the fact that Teresa has been tormenting her for the past eight years. Well that's a miscalculation, because clearly there is not one shit given throughout the land. In a charming coda to this argument, Teresa calls Joe a retard. Caroline turns her focus to getting Jacqueline out of the scene, because "a ha" moments can be hard on the soul.
Lest you think that we're done here, Teresa is still at the Posche show even though everyone else has gone home. Kim D. maintains that nobody could have known that Bald Guy was up to no good! Nobody at all! And then Teresa tells us that Chris told Juicy that he met Jacqueline while she was a stripper, so maybe this is the reason why she's so involved in the situation. I care about Jacqueline being a stripper in equal measure to how much I care about Melissa being a stripper, but I love that Teresa doesn't even have enough respect for Jacqueline to construct a big fake scene to make that reveal. Meanwhile, a party guest tells Teresa that Melissa was indeed a dancer. Teresa claims not to want to hear it and walks away.
And then it is 12 hours later... at last season's reunion show! HA, I can't believe it wasn't even a full day after that scene went down. Teresa is essentially dead to Caroline, and we learn that she hasn't spoken to Teresa since the reunion was taped. In happier updates, Lauren has lost 35 pounds thanks to her Lap-Band surgery, and Cafface is thriving. Don't you feel like "thriving" should be in quotes? Or is it very easy to thrive as a fictional place? Oh, and then back to sad news -- Albie and Lindsey are no longer seeing each other. Has anyone been poisoned by BLK Water yet? That's the real story if you ask me!
We then get Kathy updates. Her dream has finally come true and her homemade cannoli kit hits the shelves this year. Poor Victoria decided to attend college in New Jersey, and Kathy and Teresa have been communicating recently... through text messages. Ha, and then we learn what's been going on with Melissa. Her single "How Many Times" made it to #4 on the iTunes charts. There is a special Housewives chart? I hope "Money Can't Buy You Class" is the perpetual number one. And then: "Melissa and Joe put their house on the market for $3.8 million... so they can be away from Teresa." Burn.
Teresa tells us that after the fashion show, her brother Joe sent her a text message saying, "You're dead to me." And it turns out that she fucking hates him too, so I guess that all worked out. In other Teresa news, she wrote another New York Times best seller called, Fabulicious! Fast and Fit. She must be eligible for some sort of prize for being the functionally illiterate person with the most New York Times best sellers! Juicy is still waiting on a trial date for his 2011 arrest, and if found guilty could face possible jail time. Teresa has not seen her brother since the Posche fashion show, and recently apologized to her fellow castmates, except Kathy... in a magazine. Ha! I mean, checkmate.
Over the sounds of sobs, Jacqueline tells us that she had a breakdown after the Posche fashion show. Such a delicate soul, that one. She tells us that it's time for her to step away. Jacqueline is focused on raising CJ and Nicholas. Her relationship with Ashlee (who is still in LA) has never been better, and she has not spoken to Teresa since the Posche fashion show. In Kim D. updates, she's moved under a larger bridge, and managed to get her parasite problem partially under control and her scabs down to a manageable level! She's opening a new store called Scum Style, which is sure to be a success in the greater Franklin Lakes region.
My DVR cut off before the reunion preview, but I assume it will be the standard shit-fuck-fest!
Potes actually has never been a stripper, but would like Bald Guy to accuse her of it just so Joe Gorga can come to her defense. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.