Previously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: The feud between Caroline and Teresa raged on! The rest of us struggled to give two shits!
We enter upon the scintillating scene of Melissa deciding which hooker shoes to wear, probably to church or something. Her improbably named make-up artist, George Miguel, is giving her style advice. Melissa claims that a VP at a big record label in the city wants to meet her, so she's sexing it up. Even sexier than church! Soon Melissa gets a call from Kim D., owner of Posche and widely renowned hag. It turns out that Kim D. is calling to apologize to Melissa for engaging in some gossip about Joe's business. She was trying to make Joe look bad for some reason, but wants to make amends, or so she claims.
Melissa is skeptical and non-committal when Kim asks her to walk in the Posche fashion show again. She doesn't know what Kim's motive is, but suspects it has something to do with Melissa being the biggest celebrity she knows. Yes, I'm sure that's exactly it. Melissa says that she doesn't trust "these Kim girls." I guess the ghost of Kim Granatell is always, like, threatening to come back up at you from the garbage disposal or something.
Meanwhile, Teresa is giving her kids an Italian lesson. She brags about how Joe speaks Italian even better than she does, and then we cut to both of them stumbling over some Italian words in a book. Rather than making me question their knowledge of the Italian language, this scene actually reaffirms my beliefs about their functional illiteracy. Teresa speaks to Milania in Italian, and Milania in turn screams that she doesn't know what her mother is saying. As Teresa translates, Milania yells at her to be quiet. She bangs on the chalkboard with a ruler or something, as Gia criticizes Teresa's skill as a teacher and takes over. And then she yells a lot, which is I guess one kind of teaching technique. Oh no, and then Kim D. actually shows up. As she scoots off with Teresa, Gia continues to tend the class and yell at Milania not to bite her eraser. Milania clarifies that she's sucking on it. When is Milania getting a spin off?
Kim and Teresa have a glass of wine, and Kim brings up the fashion show and asks Teresa to be her guest. She doesn't want her to walk in the show, for reasons yet to be determined. As Teresa says that the Posche fashion show is always a good time, we get a montage of past atrocities, the most notable being, "Is bitch better?" Kim tells Teresa that she called Melissa to make amends and invite her to the show, hasn't yet spoken to Kathy, and plans to invite Jacqueline and Caroline. Teresa of course isn't thrilled about the idea of having to interface with Caroline, and tries unsuccessfully to bust out an Italian saying meaning, "In my eyes you're dead." She calls her mom to get the pronunciation right. As Italian as the Olive Garden, that one!
Cut to the younger Manzo Hoboken apartment. Caroline, Albert and Lauren are coming over for brunch. Lindsey fries some ham, which is apparently a big deal since she doesn't really cook. Caroline tells us that in her day it was taboo to move in with your boyfriend. Instead, you got married young, soon grew to hate each other, had serial affairs and became bitter alcoholics. Ah, the good old days! And she's still worried about Albie getting distracted from his "job."
When the non-fun Manzos enter the Hoboken pad, all Caroline can do is complain about the food smell. Soon enough, though, she is charmed by her male progeny and their egg sandwiches. Christopher tells us that since Lindsey moved in, Albie is much happier, and that benefits everyone. Caroline talks about how the Albie of yore could have never imagined the wild success he has now, what with his beautiful...apartment and blossoming...career. Poor Lindsey.
Caroline then kind of mentions that Christopher is okay too, in a second-favorite child sort of way. And then Lauren announces that the old Chateau salon will be the new Caface. She's got a lease and everything. Caroline continues to try to convince us that her kids actually work for a living, and then Albert theorizes that once he retires and has to spend time with Caroline, he might actually hate her. At least someone on this show has self awareness!
It's then time to catch up with Kathy and Rich, who are meeting with reps from the Bindi company about desserts something or other. Remember her dessert tasting thing and the guy who showed up? It's that. (And look, if Real Housewives of New Jersey wanted coherent recaps, they should have never let this get to episode 19.) Rich promises not to say anything, so we all know how that will go. Kathy and Rich shake hands with owner Attillio Bindi, and Kathy pulls out a big mock-up ad for "Dolce della Dea," which means "Goddess Sweets." Rich insults/jokes with Attillio, and then after Kathy brags that all 700 of her dessert samples went at the event, he points out that it's not all that challenging to sell out of free stuff. Why do these women drag their jackhole husbands everywhere with them? Perhaps it's the innate instinct for self-sabotage.
Kathy tells the Bindi guys that her favorite parts of dinner are the appetizers and desserts. She makes the mistake of calling dessert the "happy ending," and of course Rich can't let that one slide. And if you ever thought Rich was marginally less grody than either of the Joes, this one is for you: "To be honest with you, my favorite dessert is Kathy. It tastes like fish, and she gets it done." Were there ever more romantic words for a man to say to a woman than, "It tastes like fish"? In any case, Bindi is not scared by Rich, and they say they'd be happy to work with Kathy. So, look for your Kathy-inspired fish desserts coming soon!
In other entrepreneurial matters, Melissa and Joe meet with her producer Corte Ellis and recording industry executive Jason Kpana. Oh, kill me. Melissa wants to know if she can be as successful if she stays indie rather than searching for a label. Either way, she will continue to be a legend in her own mind. Melissa says that she's going to continue to sing what she believes in, and maybe it will stick. I guess she believes in doing it like a rock star. Like a tanner and surgically enhanced Joni Mitchell, that one. In case you were wondering, Joe is way less obnoxious than Rich, but still gross.
Elsewhere, Caroline and Jacqueline go to Posche, which once again forces us to see the withered visage of one Kim D. I feel like somewhere between season two and now she got stuck in a dehydrator to really ill effect. Kim has some clothes for each of them, but apparently Caroline has some rule against never trying anything on. Mostly anything that has to do with fun and joy, she is against. Jacqueline, however, tries on a sparkly dress and talks for a while about how she's bloated. Caroline is sick of Jacqueline talking about how big she is. She has no tolerance for that, since Lauren has cornered the market on fat.
Kim D. talks to Caroline and Jacqueline about seating arrangements for the fashion show, and Caroline looks a little tense. She points out that the Posche fashion show is always a shit-fuck-fest, so attending on the heels of a massive blowout with Teresa does not portend success. Caroline and Jacqueline talk about what's been happening with Teresa, while Kim D. peers at them through a rack of clothing like fucking Gollum. Jacqueline is still suspect of her supposedly repaired relationship with Teresa, I guess since Teresa hasn't really made much of an attempt to communicate since they got back from Napa. In the end, they decide amongst themselves that they'll be perfectly fine and civil if they wind up sitting by Teresa. Even Caroline!
And then it's time for a big ole' play date with Teresa, Melissa and Jacqueline. Milania answers the door dressed in kindergarten skanky chic (and with enough temporary tattoos to make her look like a freak, per Teresa), and from there everything gets even more awkward. Jacqueline tells us that sometimes faking it till you make it is an effective strategy, but this is not one of those times. Melissa pulls up and one of her kids yells that they've never had a play date at Zia Teresa's. These people have too many kids to even try to keep secrets.
There's a big inflatable waterslide out back, and everyone seems to be running around and having fun except for stick in the mud Jacqueline, who is on a little swing with baby Nicholas. She says she thought Melissa and Teresa might want some time together, alone. Quite wisely, Melissa does not want to get involved with whatever bullshit remains between Teresa and Jacqueline. Jacks is being a total pill right now. You kind of can't blame Teresa for unfriending her.
And then it's Caface time. Caroline says that this has been a long time coming. Yes, Lauren must be all of 23 by now! She's worked so many years paying her dues at zero jobs. Ah, the sweet feeling of earning your success with blood, sweat and tears! Lauren claims to feel okay about going into business with her mom, I think mostly because Caroline is signing the checks. Caroline reminds Lauren that she gets only one day of happiness. Per lifetime. Don't waste it!
Oh, and then back to Jacqueline, who is Skyping with Ashle(y)(e), who is in L.A. I totally forgot she existed for a while! Those were surely halcyon days. Ashle(y)(e) tells funny tales about how she almost burned down her apartment complex. Hilarious! Ashle(y)(e) has a job and some new tattoos, including a big ole' "Veni Vidi Vici" on the back of her neck. She came, she saw, she conquered a really special brand of idiocy. Jacqueline clearly thinks this is a mistake, but keeps that to herself since actually giving a care about Ashle(y)(e) is way too exhausting.
And then it's Posche fashion show time! Kathy visits as Melissa has her makeup done, and expresses hopes for a drama-free evening. It's about as likely to come true as the wish that her lady parts start to taste like tiramisu. Because Melissa is so saintly and forgiving, she says that she's going to forgive and forget with Kim D. And hey, if you want to be burned repeatedly by a piece of beef jerky in a wig, be my guest.
We then cut to Teresa and Kim at the Allure Salon, where they meet a few manager types, including a PR manager named Angelo. Teresa usually has her hair and makeup done at home, but Kim D. asked her to come to the salon with her especially. And then, in her electroshock feather shoulder pad look from the interview bits, Teresa says, "I'm just hoping that, like, I don't look a little weird." Touche, editors. Angelo escorts the women upstairs and gives them a drink before dropping the information that we have seen in many a preview -- Angelo knows Melissa from when she worked for him at a gentleman's club. Kim D., who can act about as well as, well, Angelo, asks what Melissa did, and Angelo says that she danced for him for about a year. Teresa asks that Angelo kindly refrain from talking about her family as Gollum wriggles around in her chair and taps the tips of her fingers together in glee. So, the thing that all the other ladies hated Teresa for at the last reunion was staging this scene, right?
After Angelo leaves, Kim D. theorizes that Melissa is so Jesus-y now because she has transitioned from porn again to born again. Teresa does not want to talk about her family in a malicious, gossipy way. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Angelo comes back to apologize, and Kim D. pounces on him to ask how long ago it was that Melissa danced for him. Teresa actually leaves the room so doesn't get to hear him say (except through the door that her ear is pressed against) that it was about seven or eight years ago, she worked there for eight or nine months, and she was a very talented stripper. When Teresa returns, she tells Kim that she doesn't want to hear it. Kim D. just mutters, "My precious" over and over again, which Teresa finds very confusing.
Meanwhile, Melissa and Kathy drive to the fashion show, ignorant and happy. Melissa is joyous at how wonderful her relationship with Teresa has become! Nothing will get in the way of their lovefest now! In Kim D.'s limo, Teresa learns that she'll be at a table with all of the other housewives, including Caroline. Kim D. seems convinced that nobody will get into a rage or flip a table or pull out a weave or call the police. It's all peace and harmony in Franklin Lakes!
The Gorga ladies all arrive at the show, and cheek kisses abound. Melissa does an impression of Kim D., but it is not nearly hideous enough. And then Caroline and Jacqueline and Lauren make their way in. They all sit at the table together and are civil, but there is much awkwardness. Juicy's brother Pete shows up to say hi, and Kathy gets all pissy about the fact that there are men in the facility but Rich wasn't invited. That is a strange footnote to the real action, though.
Just as Kathy and Teresa are waxing poetic about how too much tanning gives you a leathery chest, Angelo approaches the table to say hello to Melissa. Melissa seems not to look thrilled to see him, but in fact after he leaves she says she can't really remember where she knows him from. As Teresa says that her heart is "beating 500," we cut to a big ole' "to be continued" splashed across the screen. And then we hear the sweetest words in all the land: "week on the season finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey..." Light at the end of the fish-scented tunnel!week: Who the hell cares as long as it's over!
Yes, Potes knows that there is a two or three part reunion to come after the finale, but she's still excited! Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.