Previously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: OH MY GOD, WHEN WILL IT END? Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season Purgatory. I can't tell you which circle of Hell exactly we're dwelling in, but rest assured that it's one of the hotter ones. Literally every day I Google "Real Housewives of New Jersey finale." Keep hope alive, I say.
We enter with Joe Gorga making pancakes for his family. Judging by the giant tub of Country Crock conspicuously in the frame, he has a chemical-buttery endorsement deal of some sort. It is apparently the first day of school, and Antonia is heading into the first grade. She munches pancakes and looks on suspiciously as Joe and Melissa talk about how crazy things got at the end of the Napa trip. Melissa notes that Teresa apologized and apologized, but Caroline would not forgive her. Joe thinks that maybe Caroline needs to stop talking about who said what, and also stop ruining people's vacations. Both of them wonder what was up with Jacqueline, and Melissa feels bad that they left without talking to her. Joe reiterates that Teresa is his sister, and he's always going to back her up. You know, except for all those times earlier this season when he didn't.
We then cut over to Teresa, who is awakening Milania -- yay!!! -- for her first day of school. Gia does not want to wake up, and Teresa goes on a tickling rampage. Juicy apparently should be making sandwiches, but instead is sleeping. That sort of sums up his role generally, doesn't it? Teresa is a little worried that Milania is going to terrorize all of kindergarten. I think that is a safe bet. Milania asks Gabriella if she'll see her at school. Gabriella says that at recess she will see Milania, but cannot play with her. Milania argues that Gabriella can indeed play with her, and Gabriella just yells, "No!" I mean, fair enough. She's probably worried for her own safety. We cut back and forth between the Gorgas and the Giudices, and while Milania manages to get on the bus successfully, the Gorgas are dicking around so much with the video camera that Antonia totally misses the bus. Melissa has to run back and get the car to drive her. Joe of course videotapes her ass as she runs.
Back at the Giudices, the littlest kid -- Audriana -- is now home alone. I mean, with Joe and Teresa, which is only marginally better company that a black hole of emptiness. She doesn't seem to mind the loss of her sisters, preferring the company of her dolls. Juicy and Teresa talk about the big Napa blowout, and Teresa says that she's done with Caroline. Joe could really give a rat about Caroline, and thinks that Teresa was wasting her breath with niceties and apologies. Instead, he would have told Caroline to go dye her hair. Oooh, good one? The best part of this is that they're sitting at a kiddie table the whole time. Maybe that's the only furniture they were able to keep post-bankruptcy. Teresa notes that she and Caroline were never the best of friends, and that in fact Caroline is feuding with several of her siblings. Juicy tells Teresa that it's none of her business, and adds a hearty, "Shut up." Even after four children, romance is still alive! Teresa's plan going forward is to be cordial to Caroline and nothing more. Joe and Teresa then talk about how fun it was to hang out with Joe and Melissa and Richie, but Joe adds that Kathy turned on them and is two-faced. He says that she looks like one of those stress dolls with bulgy eyes when you squeeze them. That's... kind of true. She's got really big eyes! Pretty eyes, says Teresa. Huge frog eyes, says Joe.
Teresa apparently left some shoes in Napa, which are now in Kathy's possession. Teresa's going to get them from her, and Juicy advises her to make it short and then leave. Teresa then utters the most hilarious words in Housewives history: "I have to say, my husband's really, really smart. And when he usually says something, he's right and I trust him." She adds that there are lots of rumors about how they're getting a divorce, and he's cheating on her, but they're all false. We then cut to a montage of a) Milania talking about how daddy's sleeping in his own room; b) Juicy taking a call in Napa and referring to his bitch wife. Romance! Teresa tells us that Joe's not going anywhere. Unless he cheats on her, because then she'll break his legs. Maybe we should pitch in and get her a monogrammed crowbar for Christmas? As Joe leaves for a "meeting," Teresa tells him that if she ever found him cheating they'd be done. He counters that he'd bring a girl to their house, just like old school. The Ozzie and Harriet of the 21st century, those two.
And then it's time to check in with Rich and Kathy. They drink wine and talk about how Victoria is stressed out about getting into colleges. Richie thinks that she's been babied too much and should go away and learn how to be on her own. Kathy, however, grew up in a traditional Italian family where it was custom to just stick around and be a total ignoramus for the rest of your life. Victoria comes out and says that she set up a tour at the University of Maryland, and Kathy looks worried. Richie is very excited at the prospect of his kids leaving the house, so he can bone Kathy a lot. Kathy starts crying and says that Richie is going to cry too when Victoria starts packing her bags. He's basically like, "Eh."
After a commercial break, Jacqueline visits with Melissa. Melissa gives her some banana bread and then asks if she really slept through Caroline and Teresa's argument in Napa. Duh, no, she was just avoiding the nastiness. They both agree that it was poor form of Teresa to not mention Kathy in her toast. Oh! And then Teresa is visiting Kathy, with Audriana in tow. Kathy has made little quiches, and the two make small talk about Milania's first day of school before getting to business. Kathy talks about how she sort of backed off when she saw that Melissa and Teresa were bonding, and Teresa says that she didn't want Kathy to feel left out, and then Kathy brings up the fucking toast. Teresa says that if she mentioned Kathy, she would have had to mention Caroline's kids, and clearly they did nothing toast-worthy. And then Kathy tries to explain why she was attempting to facilitate a reconciliation between Teresa and Caroline. She claims that they were not ganging up on Teresa, but of course Teresa felt ambushed.
We cut back to Melissa and Jacqueline, and Melissa says that she stayed quiet during the fight because she too didn't want Teresa to feel attacked by all sides. They then talk about how Caroline was hurt, which caused her to be very angry. Jacqueline says that Caroline is pretty done with Teresa, but Melissa hopes that they might still work it out. Back at Kathy's, Teresa explains that she was never really close with Caroline -- she really hung out with Dina and Jacqueline. Then conversation turns to the Jacqueline/Teresa friendship. Jacqueline interviews that she hasn't heard from Teresa since they returned from California, and she doesn't know why. Knowing Teresa's ways, however, it's not totally unexpected. Meanwhile, Kathy explains that she's no longer the wallflower that she once was -- now she's ready to be as bitchy a bitch who ever bitched, for purposes of better fitting in on this show, and airtime. For now, everyone is at peace, at least for the minute and a half.
Then it's time for Melissa to visit Caroline, who is standing in front of a giant corkboard with a few notecards tacked on it. It turns out she's doing a special for Sirius radio. Melissa of course asks if Caroline can play her song on Sirius. Caroline is basically like, "Uh... no." For part of her special, Caroline is using her vacation experiences for inspiration, and talking about how and when to end a friendship. Lemons, lemonade. Caroline tells Melissa that she's tired, because she has always been there for Teresa, despite what Teresa may say. Melissa asks if Caroline is really finished. Caroline is REALLY FINISHED. Melissa says that Caroline was the one who was initially upset out of nowhere, so it's not fair of her to sit there and act like a victim. Caroline claims that she was upset because she felt so badly for Kathy, and didn't plan to get involved until Teresa said something about how Caroline accepted her apology. She really wanted Teresa to know that she did NOT accept her apology. Melissa points out that this isn't high school. Nay, it's much, much worse than high school. She says that Teresa apologized, so what else is left? I'll tell you what's left -- Caroline's fiery hatred of Teresa. She wins for the accurate cliché of the day by saying that a monkey is off her back, and she's glad that Melissa is in a good place. She's happy to help Melissa in any way she can. Except by playing her crap song on Sirius radio. Sorry!
And then it's time for Melissa to visit with Teresa. As it turns out, it's the evening of Teresa's Fabellini launch party, and Melissa is going to babysit. She wanted Teresa to be able to go out and relax, and also not to have to drink her undoubtedly nasty alcoholic beverage. I suspect Fabellini will be somewhat like Skinnygirl margaritas -- fine if you add tequila. Audriana stays behind, I guess because it's easy enough to put Fabellini in the bottle and knock her out for a few hours.
And then we're in Washington D.C. with the Wakiles, who are touring the University of Maryland with Victoria. The poor tour guides have to deal not only with Bravo cameras, but also Richie's jokes about Women's Studies and Kathy's questions about how and when they learned to do laundry. Victoria seems to be having a fine time until she sees a teeny tiny sample dorm room. Kathy thinks this might convince her to stay close to home. Plus all the free desserts and family feuds!
For her babysitting endeavors, Melissa has taken the kids to get manis and pedis. I hate to admit it, but it's all pretty cute. Gabriella and Antonia are into the pre-pedi foot soak, but contrarian Milania says that it's itchy. Melissa waxes poetic about how nothing can replace having a sister or a cousin, and buys each of the girls a bracelet that says "love" to drive that point home. She gets one for herself and Teresa. I wonder if it's big enough for one of them to choke the other, or at least damage a windpipe?
Back in D.C., the Wakiles are touring around and seeing all the monuments. Richie talks about how his parents came to this country how many ever years ago, and made sacrifices for their new lives. He doesn't want his kids to be afraid of new opportunities. Kathy is starting to realize that college will be a great opportunity, and blah blah blah, is standing behind Victoria no matter how many miles from home she wants to go. God, this is so boring. I never thought I'd say this, but can someone fly Teresa to D.C. so Kathy can bring up the toast again? Or maybe they can argue over some recipes?
And then it's time for Caroline's Sirius show. The whole Manzo family accompanies her, of course, and everyone is impressed at how lovely the Sirius offices are. Caroline clarifies for us that this is not a joke. She goes for modesty but winds up speaking a profound truth when she says: "I have absolutely no clue why people are drawn to what I have to say. I'm sorry, I don't. I'm Caroline. Nothing great going on here." The entire Manzo clan meets with a Sirius producer, who looks awfully uncomfortable when the kids start talking about how they always thought Lauren was fat. Al looks like he might fall asleep. Nothing great going on here, indeed.
And then it's Fabellini time! Theresa wears a simple sequined dress with a magenta boa. Juicy offers to hang his nuts out for the photographer. So... this is not a real event. Juicy is clearly wasted already, and yells, "Let me get a Fabellini bottle before I fab yo ass, bitch." Not that I need to tell you this, but that doesn't even make any sense. It turns out this is an intimate party with close friends and family, including Juicy's maybe-twin brother, Pete. But then it seems like it's actually pretty packed. I don't know. Jacqueline tells us she wasn't invited to the Fabellini party. She's okay with that, but also not okay with it. You know Jacqueline, all sensitive and expecting her friends to actually be friends.
There are lots of crazy nutty people at the party, and plenty of vows to get drunk. Teresa tries to replace Juicy's red wine with a glass of Fabellini, but he's having none of it. So supportive! How wonderful to have a partner who will be your champion in every endeavor, and not an embarrassing albatross whose sole benefit seems to be garnering public sympathy. Teresa tells us that she didn't invite Caroline to the party for obvious reasons, and also didn't invite Jacqueline because Jacqueline "hurted" her for no reason. I mean, with the sequencing of events, who knows? But Teresa says that she doesn't hold grudges, but things will never be the same. She adds that you can't stab somebody and try to bring them back to life. They're already dead! Unless it's a zombie who is heading to Franklin Lakes RIGHT NOW to make a light meal of all the Housewives brains. I mean, that's best case scenario and probably more than we dare hope for. But, fingers crossed!
We then cut to a pair of hooker heels meandering down the road. It's DINA MANZO! Yes, THAT Dina Manzo! Before she even gets inside she trips and falls on the carpet, and then the step and repeat signage falls over. Well, that's quite a comeback! Dina, like, kind of broke her ankle. Is it an omen? Whatever. It's so great to have her back! And looking great, mind you.
We then cut to Caroline's Sirius radio show. It turns out that the whole family is going to be on the air with her, talking about raising kids and dealing with siblings and disowning your simian friends. She requests callers, which the Sirius producer promised would be instantly forthcoming. But then there are no calls! She couldn't have arranged at least a couple of ringers? Caroline starts blathering on about being proud of her kids or whatever, and then Al mumbles something meaningless. It turns out that Al and the kids are very terrified, to the point where Caroline is kind of embarrassed of them. Caroline soon takes a break, and in the 90 seconds she has, the producer tells her that calls are not coming in, so she's going to have to ask viewers specific questions related to advice. Caroline is all, "Actually working was not part of the deal." Whoops!
And now back to the Fabellini party. Dina enters the party proper, and gives Teresa a big hug. Jacqueline thinks it's fine that Dina went to support Teresa, but also a little odd given that she's stayed away from her own family (read: the Bravo cameras) for so long and missed her nephews' launch party and the holidays. It's also odd, she thinks, that Dina and Teresa have gotten closer just as the shitstorm between Caroline and Teresa exploded. Whatever the reason, I don't care. Dina is such a fabulous bitch, it almost hurts to look at her. Teresa tells us that her true friends will always support her and not get jealous, and she knows that she can always count on Dina. She recounts to Dina the epic fight in Napa, and how Caroline was offended about the "joke" in the cookbook. We cut to Caroline, who says that Teresa is on a mission to drive a wedge between her and her family members, especially Dina. I don't know. I think Caroline probably does just fine in that area all by herself. Teresa tells Dina that blood is thicker than water, and Dina replies, "Unfortunately not always. I used to believe that, but that's not always the case." Ouch! And also I wish they would give more dirt on their feud. So close-lipped when it counts, those Manzos! Teresa asks Dina if she thought the cookbook thing was offensive, but before we get her answer we cut to...
...Caroline on Sirius talking about their road trip. She alludes to all of the issues, and finally someone calls in. The caller asks about Caroline's worst fight or experience on the RV trip. Look at people, trolling for spoilers. Caroline talks about shutting off a friendship, blah blah blah, we've seen it already. And then another caller asks about Caroline's relationship with Dina. Caroline says that they fight like crazy, and sometimes in a family of eleven peoples' personalities change and they don't always see eye to eye. However, she loves Dina to death, and they're still family. Oh God, and then Caroline tells us that she holds Teresa responsible for the pain in her life and relationships that are hurting. I mean, take some ownership for the fact that you are kind of a hag, too! She says that with Dina, she has to let the smoke clear and let all the damage that's been done dissipate in time. She's tired of fighting. Except with Teresa.
Back at the Fabellini party, Dina tells Teresa that the whole style of her book was lighthearted and fun, so she didn't think it was offensive. But Caroline was of course offended, and said that she didn't want to be Teresa's friend anymore. Dina just laughs and says that the last time someone told her they didn't want to be her friend, she was in fourth grade. Since, in Dina's opinion, Teresa didn't do anything to really hurt Caroline, this whole thing is kind of silly. Teresa is a big fan of Dina's opinions. Dina asks if it will change her life if Caroline isn't in it. Teresa says it will not, and Dina basically tells her to just move on and let it go. She has her kids and her health, and everything else is BS. Dina adds that holding on to anger makes you ugly, so Teresa should let it go and stay pretty. The two vow to grow old together and have their boobs redone until they kick it. Dina ends the conversation by telling Teresa that if she ever writes anything bad about her, she'll fuck her up. I think that's appropriate!
time: Oh God, the Posche fashion show featuring that cretin Kim D. And we all learn the least surprising news ever, which is that Melissa maybe used to be a stripper. Please, someone kill me before I have to watch this.
Potes knows that she has things to live for, but at the moment she can't remember what they are. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com with your condolences.