Previously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa was getting along with almost everybody! Because she was acting kind of nice! And then Juicy got a call from his alleged mistress (or as he said, a "worker") and said some rather unseemly things about Teresa while on the phone. Things started to go downhill after that, particularly when Teresa made a really nice toast in which she said nice things about everyone but Kathy. She didn't say anything mean about Kathy, she just didn't say anything at all. Caroline, who is contractually obligated not to mind her own business, was not having it.
We enter just where we left off at the last episode, with the Manzo family telling Kathy how great she is to make her feel better after Teresa omitted her from the toast. Teresa looks annoyed. Or maybe that's just her face? Joe Gorga, sensing tension, suggests that everyone get in the hot tub together for some old fashioned fluid-based bonding. This is, of course, just an excuse for Joe to strip down to his skivvies and show off his steroid muscles and the shadowy specter of Tarzan. He may have left his pants on, except that Melissa screamed, "Those are good pants!" Priorities, I guess. Joe has been having a great time with Teresa, and is surprised that she left Kathy out of her toast. However, he's going to make everything better because, in his words, he's the new matriarch of the family. He laughs in a way that suggests he might know what the word "matriarch" means, but also might not. That's indicative of his particular brand of charisma, I think. Juicy strips down to get in the hot tub too, and Teresa yells that he looks hot although that is unequivocally false. Christopher wonders when this gets gay. The answer is five minutes ago.
Teresa gets in the hot tub, because she'll never miss an opportunity to show us her crispy orange bod, and then Kathy comes out wearing a bathrobe. She says she doesn't want to ruin the family love, and then says obviously there wasn't family love if she wasn't included in the toast. She's so good at holding things in, no? Teresa's fake smile gets a bit more wooden, and probably she pees in the hot tub a little. Kathy interviews that she'd like to think that Teresa's omission was unintentional, but that would not be consistent with Teresa's mean girl nature. It probably goes without saying that everyone has a big glass of red wine. No glass in the hot tub! Or, maybe in this case, lots of glass in the hot tub. Teresa pretends not to remember that there was a toast, and Melissa explains that Kathy is talking about a toast that Teresa, herself, gave, and asks Teresa to tell Kathy that she loves her or whatever. In her crazy Falcon Crest as performed by chimpanzees interview garb, Teresa claims that the slight was unintentional, but also what the heck did Kathy and Richie even DO on this trip that was toast-worthy? She thinks that they shouldn't be so insecure.
With the full complement of Gorgas (and Greg) in the hot tub, everyone starts saying how this trip felt like old times. But then Kathy turns to Teresa and says that she doesn't want to be there with unresolved feelings. What she DOES want, I think, is screen time. Juicy leaves, saying that he has to go take a piss. We know this is a lie, because he clearly already peed in the hot tub. Melissa also hightails it out of there. And so we are left with Teresa and Kathy in the hot tub alone, talking about whatever their millions of grudges are as everyone looks on. I really hope that they are in the hot tub so much longer than the recommended time that they overheat and pass out, and then we'd get to see if anyone would actually save Teresa. Maybe a cameraman, eventually. Albie thinks that Teresa looks deflated, but Caroline thinks that she looks full of shit, per usual.
Kathy explains how she felt left out during the trip, and Teresa says that she's trying to make things better with her brother and with Jacqueline, and can only do so much. And then for absolutely no reason Kathy brings up Teresa's rift with Caroline, which Teresa says is not her fault. As you likely assumed, Caroline is totally looking on with a suspicious scowl. Apparently everyone can hear what the two of them are talking about. Anyway, Kathy is a great defender of Caroline, and Teresa holds the line that she never did anything to Caroline, and that incudes the cookbook. And THEN Teresa brings up Dina, who also has a rift with Caroline (and, as you know if you are a viewer of Watch What Happens Live, has a new hairless cat!). So, Caroline can hear every word of this, but says she's not going to go get involved because if she does, she'll throw Teresa off the roof. OMG, DO IT. Glimmer of hope! Anyway, Teresa likes the new friends that she has, or something. Caroline's opinion on this whole thing is that Teresa is a crazy bitch, and Kathy shouldn't even bother trying to use reason or referencing human emotion when conversing with such a monumental dumb-ass. Teresa says that she wants to move forward with Caroline, but Caroline doesn't, and in fact doesn't give two shits. I think that's a fair enough assessment.
At the point when Teresa says that Caroline looks down at her whenever she speaks, Caroline has finally had enough. But instead of grabbing Teresa by her hair and throwing her off of the roof, as promised, she just adjusts her position on the couch. She does it in a very angry way, though. Grrrrrrr! Meanwhile, the men are just drinking and smoking cigars and probably occasionally making hen-clucking noises. Teresa and Kathy get out of the hot tub, and Caroline tells Kathy appreciatively that she didn't have to launch a defense on her behalf. And that's because she hates Teresa, and will never stop hating her. She says that whenever she looks at Teresa, she sees an ugly human being. Personally, I think that's because of the overtanning. What really burns Caroline's biscuits is that Teresa is a total hag, then puts on her fake smile and tells everyone that she loves them. Jacqueline tells us that Caroline can hate Teresa all she wants, but she'd appreciate it if everyone would just leave her out of it. Melissa is starting to see that Caroline is a bit of a psycho when it comes to Teresa, and interviews that she should just drop it and move on. But then there wouldn't even be a show anymore! Could you imagine if anyone in the Real Housewives franchise invested in the concept of bygones?
And then, generating a big "oh no!" out of me, Teresa approaches Caroline and the other women. Jacqueline notes that they could hear everything Teresa said, and then Teresa asks Caroline if she feels any differently. Caroline says, and I quote: "Yes I do. Yes I do. I can't even look at you." Sometimes I truly think that she's the worst one of all. Teresa says that she would love to be friends again, and also has said sorry to Caroline for whatever offense it was that she committed. Caroline's problem is that the apology was not genuine, and thus is an insult. Teresa says that she is not insulting Caroline, and Caroline replies, "You're telling me how to feel now?" Aaaaaaaand here we go. Teresa says that the Manzos mean a lot to her and Juicy, and Caroline tells her to stop it AND to speak aloud what she really thinks of Caroline. She then says, "You don't love me," making us all question who's telling whom how to feel. Teresa counters that she does, in fact, love Caroline. I think she has a pretty strong case for reversing that position, though.
Caroline claims that if Teresa had said that she hated her, the conversation could have ended peacefully then and there. But instead, Teresa kept continuing to say kind things, and that was just too much for Caroline "Rules" Manzo. She's ready to throw down. Oh God, and then they start talking about the tabloid articles again. Teresa is as fed up with this subject as we are. Not only is Teresa saying nasty things about the rest of them, Caroline says, but she made some sort of seven-cover deal. Teresa denies it and says that she put the truth out about her family, and then Caroline says that she's lying, and Teresa says she's not lying, and Caroline says she's lying, and Teresa says she's not lying, and it's all very much like a circle in a circle, like a wheel within a wheel. The windmills of these particular minds have a lot of space in which to blow, at least. Caroline says that Teresa is a disgrace, which I think is true for a whole host of reasons that have nothing to do with tabloid articles.
Back at the men's table, Juicy says that tabloids run bullshit, and the Giudices make the money. Chris confirms that they get paid to do the articles. Juicy says that they don't get paid for every one, but that they have some sort of exclusive deal with In Touch. Chris then questions Juicy about a cover story from In Touch that claimed Teresa was going to have a baby boy -- a story that is obviously false. Juicy wants to know what's so bad about the article, and Chris is like, "You put that article out there." Juicy yells that In Touch came to them. Chris counters that they put the story out, and Juicy yells, "So what?" I think that's his life's philosophy in two words. Chris tells us that Teresa puts these stories out because she wants the attention and wants to be a star, and also because she's getting paid. He's fine with her making money, but not that she's blaming someone else for all the bullcrap that goes along with it. Juicy notes that it's not his fault that Teresa sells more magazines than any star out there. Is that true? Oh, don't start making me feel concerned about humanity again. I am too weary! It is very late on a Sunday night! Juicy says that everyone else would do the same thing if they had the opportunity, and Chris counters that Jacqueline was recently offered $50,000 to write a story about Teresa and wouldn't do it. Juicy thinks she was a moron not to, and I kind of have to agree.
All through this conversation you can hear yelling in the background. We zoom back to Caroline and Teresa, and hear Caroline saying that she wants to hear Teresa that she wants admit that she knowingly, willingly, and continuously insulted her. Of course this is all about the fucking cookbook. Caroline wants Teresa to admit that she was trying to diss her in the cookbook, but Teresa will not. How wonderful that we get to revisit this subject, it's been nearly half an episode since we discussed it last! Jacqueline is pretending to sleep through all of this, which Teresa sees as a sign of loyalty and Caroline sees as evidence of the fact that Teresa bullies Jacqueline. Melissa is awake, but staying silent. And then Caroline brings up all the times when Teresa would call her and ask why she was hanging out with Kathy or Melissa. Teresa denies it, but I'm betting that one is actually true. And then Teresa brings up the fact that Caroline has problems with her own family, to which Caroline notes that every family has problems and she never denied that. But Caroline tells us that Teresa's claims that she wants to mend her familial relationships are all smoke and mirrors. She's told Caroline directly that she doesn't like her brother and doesn't want to have a relationship with him (I mean...fair enough), and also poisoned her mother's mind against Joe and Melissa and Kathy in Caroline's presence. Caroline once again says that it's despicable. This is her new signature phrase, I think! Caroline Manzo: the postmodern Daffy Duck.
Oh God, and then it keeps going. Caroline says that Teresa's a liar and a fraud and a disgrace, and Teresa says that calling her a disgrace is in and of itself a disgrace. You know what's really a disgrace? Me volunteering to recap this show at the beginning of the season. Who I am to judge anyone when my own past is so full of poor decisions? Anyway, Caroline says that hanging out with Teresa's family has been a blessing, because now some things suddenly began to make sense. I guess the sensical things have something to do with how Teresa is full of shit. Teresa is really mad at this point, and turns to Kathy to ask if she's happy. No, she would have been happy if she had been mentioned in the freaking toast. Caroline announces that she is interested in having a relationship with Melissa and Kathy, but wants nothing to do with Teresa. Kathy interviews that maybe she should have minded her business. Uh, yeah.
Meanwhile, at the men's table, Chris brings up the fact that Juicy told some bottling guy that he was shady. Juicy counters that Chris IS a shady motherfucker, before saying that this whole tale is bullshit. Chris points out that friends don't call friends shady, and Juicy is like, "Whatever." Joe Gorga tells us that he's staying out of it, except for noting that, just like Teresa, Juicy can't take ownership of anything. This is because they are LITERALLY crooks! Chris again reiterates that the last thing he is is shady -- in fact, he's the best friend you could ever have. Juicy says that he'll forgive Chris for a kiss. Oh god, these guys and their chianti and their homoeroticism. They kiss like nine times, and then Richie and Joe kiss like nine times, and Christopher looks on with marked bewilderment.
Meanwhile, in the shadow of the men's orgy, Caroline and Teresa are still at it. Teresa notes that she's had a really tough year, which is legit, and Caroline mutters, "Always the victim." Teresa is like, "Fine, let's leave things the way they are," which means that Caroline can hate her all she wants. Caroline is fine with this arrangement and actually says, "I love it like this. Because at least I can look at you and tell you suck." Wow, the level of discourse here keeps elevating. Teresa also thinks that Caroline sucks. At this point, Melissa wonders how Jacqueline can sleep through this. Teresa notes that she's not really asleep, she just doesn't want to be involved. Caroline says she's pretending because Teresa told her to stay out of it. Teresa then counters that she said no such thing, and Caroline tells her to take off the mask, but the fact is that at this point it's a tattoo so no one can do anything about it. Accept the things you cannot change, etc.
We get a glimmer of hope for the remaining half of the episode when Teresa stands up to leave, but then Caroline mumbles that she's running away and Teresa turns right around and sits back down. This allows Caroline to say that she doesn't want Teresa there. Awesome. Teresa then brings Juicy into it, asking him if she intentionally meant to hurt Caroline. And then Caroline yells that Teresa put thoughts into Juicy's head. Juicy, with his big cigar, yells, "Caroline!" This most certainly gets the attention of the Manzo men, who are readying themselves to intervene if necessary. Juicy yells that Teresa put a photo of Caroline to her in her best-selling book, and so what about the whole thing. He ends with a concise, "End it!" Chris asks who's not ending it, and Juicy says correctly that Caroline's not ending it. But then Chris says that she's not the one pallin' around with tabloids, and the Manzos agree that Teresa's cookbook joke was not funny. Juicy is, of course, wasted, and Caroline tells us that she's worried, because the way Albert operates is that he sits on the sidelines and is quiet, but when he gets up it's lights out. Oh man, and then Albert mentions how Teresa said in her book that Caroline's cooking is the reason that her family is fat. THAT part, I did not realize. And then there's something about a meatball contest? I don't even know anymore. Eventually, the men agree to let the girls do what girls do, and they'll move on. Too bad, because I kind of wanted to see Albert "Silent Killer" Manzo throw down.
And now back to the ladies. Lauren has to get involved and talk about how Teresa called them 1/16 Italian, which is apparently not true. Then Caroline tells us some nonsense about how Teresa has an off-the-boat mentality, and looks down on everybody, and it's kill or be killed. Is that not a LITTLE dramatic? Caroline, in contrast, is an AMERICAN citizen. And American citizens are so much more civilized! As Lauren goes on and on, Jacqueline wakes up to say that there's healthy purging and non-healthy purging. Then she goes back to fake-sleep. Lauren goes on some more about the tabloids, and Caroline continues to try to get Teresa to admit that she sells stories. Teresa swears on her kids that she's not lying, and Caroline tells her not to swear on her kids, and then Teresa kind of chucks Kathy under the chin to get her to pay attention and recognize that she's swearing on her kids. Kathy, probably afraid that Teresa is going to flip her head like a table, tells Teresa not to put her hands on her. This of course piques Richie's interest. We go to a break, and then get a little featurette about how all of the men want to have gay sex with Vito, in which Juicy notes that he's the best thing to happen to the Manzo family.
Oh God, and then the arguing just keeps happening, with Kathy still peeved that Teresa grabbed her face. I mean, in fairness, Teresa didn't clock her. But she agrees to keep her hands to herself. And then we get to rue the invention of wireless technology as Kathy gets out her phone and pulls up some sort of tabloid story in which Teresa claimed that the others were always taking digs at her about her financial situation, including asking her how many times she's been to the mall in a week. Kathy points out that it was Richie and not her who said that, and Caroline yells that it was a joke. I think the problem here, in addition to everyone having a differing concept of "friendship," is that everyone has a different concept of what constitutes a "joke," at least when it comes to themselves. Then there is some arguing about Richie, and eventually Teresa agrees that she will make no public comments about Kathy or Melissa. Note that she does not include Caroline in this pledge.
One of the men eventually asks Juicy to get Teresa out of there, and he approaches her to say that he changed their flights and they are going to leave tomorrow since Juicy has some "business" to take care of. Teresa then starts squealing like a maniac, and runs out of the room. Once she's gone, Lauren calls her a piece of shit. From her room, Teresa wants the bitches to bring it. Articles, articles, articles. In the words of Juicy Giudice, "So what?" Melissa asks Kathy why she even talked to Teresa, and Kathy makes some stuff up about how she didn't want Teresa to feel like everyone is against her. Anyway, kudos to Melissa and Jacqueline for staying out of this shitshow.
Oh God, and then Teresa comes out of her room, all snotty-voiced, and tells Caroline that she never, ever wrote one bad thing about her in a magazine. She's concocting some scheme about how to prove this to Caroline, but Caroline announces that it's over. Teresa walks off, muttering that Caroline is a see you Tuesday. Once she's gone, Caroline AGAIN notes that she's completely finished with Teresa. Well, good, I'm glad that's final since she's seemed to be on the fence about it for all seventeen episodes of this season. Then she tells Melissa and Kathy that she heard lots of terrible stuff about them over the years, but when she actually met them they were great, and everything about Teresa's psycho nature clicked into place. Melissa asks what Teresa said about her, but Caroline doesn't want to go there. Well if that were true, she wouldn't have brought it up. Ha, and then in an interview, she tells us that Teresa called Melissa a gold-digger, whore, family-wrecker, and copycat who was once a stripper. Well, it's a good thing Melissa will never hear that. Melissa pledges to stay out of it, and Caroline asks Melissa to tell her if their relationship ever causes trouble in the family.
As Caroline continues to go on, Joe gathers Melissa to go to bed, and says that they're also going to change their flights. He's on Team Teresa, because she's his sister, and he's going to back her up and make sure she gets home safely. As Lauren and Christopher comfort Caroline, Albert is legitimately snoozing and Jacqueline is still pretending. Oh God, and then Kathy goes into Teresa's room to say that she didn't mean to start this shitshow, and they talk about the face-grabbing and how Kathy just wanted Teresa and Caroline to make up. Teresa says she just wants to get away from this bullshit and see her kids. Kathy doesn't want Teresa to put her walls up so high, excluding others but also trapping herself. Melissa argues that everyone is good people while they pack.
Caroline then reflects on her range of emotions during the night. She was worried for Kathy, confused about Jacqueline, and just generally angry. And then we hear Caroline crying behind closed doors in her bedroom. She characterizes this as a mental breakdown. That ship has sailed, right? As the Giudices roll their suitcases out the door, Melissa says, "You sons of bitches better remember who backed you up." Teresa tells us that she didn't ask Joe to change his flight, but it warmed her heart that he did. If the tables were turned, she'd do the same thing, because you never go against family. Except when you do. P.S., Joe Giudice is wasted, the end.
week: Dina Manzo! Believe it.
Potes knows that she has things to live for, but at the moment she can't remember what they are. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com with your condolences.