Previously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Everyone was getting along and stuff, except for the fact that everyone still secretly (or not so secretly) hates Teresa, especially Caroline. And may I point out to you that this is episode SIXTEEN. Sixteen! With no end in sight. Oh, help.
We enter in Russian River Valley, California. Juicy and Teresa pose for a photo, and Melissa criticizes Juicy for his inability to smile good. It's the physical manifestation of his festering soul! It turns out that Teresa's version of "say cheese" is "Do you wanna bang me in the ass?" This is a bit much even for Melissa Gorga, and Juicy's deadpan answer is, "No." She then asks if he wants to put his finger up her ass. Still no smile. Teresa tells us that if Juicy doesn't get hanky panky (FROM HIS MISTRESS) at least once a day, he gets very cranky. I think I am going to end every paragraph of this recap with the words, "Oh, help." If I don't, know that it's implied.
Elsewhere, Rich drives the RV. With Juicy's finger up his ass! Vito punches him while he's driving, and Richie says he might swerve off a cliff. OH MY GOD, DO IT! But not before hitting the Gorga/Giudice van and taking it off the cliff with you! In the Manzo vanzo, everyone talks about how Rich is annoying and the Gorgas are fun. Jacqueline says that it's so great that everyone is friends now, which gives Caroline the opening to sternly ask what happened between Jacqueline and Teresa last night. In the Gorga/Giudice van, Teresa and Melissa are going over the same topic. Teresa says that Jacqueline made a big deal out of the magazine stories, when really whatever issues they brought forth are between Teresa and Juicy and not anybody else's business. Melissa points out that when you're willingly on the cover of a tabloid, you really can't make a claim to privacy. She adds that that the ladies are also pissed that Teresa is badmouthing them in the magazines, and Teresa is like, "Why cry over spilt ingredientses?" Melissa suggests that Teresa stop talking shit about other people in articles, and Teresa can't even muster up a nod. Still, Melissa has hopes that Teresa truly wants to repair their relationship, and sees their relationship only going up from here.
Melissa asks how things ended with Jacqueline, and Teresa says that they hugged it out and now maybe their relationship will be even stronger. Have I mentioned that Teresa is wearing perhaps the most heinous American flag shirt (featuring what I think is a mini mock turtleneck) that I have ever seen? How can you possibly trust someone wearing that shirt? Teresa says that now that she and Jacqueline have cleared the air, she feels complete. Back in the Manzo vanzo, Jacqueline says that she's just not going to get that deep with Teresa, and it's cool. Lauren says that if Jacqueline has come to an understanding with Teresa, that's great, but she personally has no desire to be associated with the morally corrupt Teresa Giudice. She urges Jacqueline not to lose sight of the fact that Teresa is a bitter, jealous person with a heart made of bird poo. Jacqueline knows that the Manzos are dunzo with Teresa, but their friendship with her was never as strong as Jacqueline's. When you're friends with somebody, she says, you don't just shut it off. The menfolk get into the conversation, and Chris asks what the endgame is here. Jacqueline says she wants a casual relationship with Teresa, and Chris is like, "Great. Done." Throughout, Caroline scowls some more.
Oh God, and then cut to Teresa screaming, "Hon, I wanna do you in one of these vineyards!" Joe Gorga offers to pull over so they can get out and befoul the precious grapes, while Melissa offers to take video, saying, "Since you're such a media whore, that will really put you out there. There's nothing like a sex tape to get your career going!" Teresa rightly points out that that wasn't a very nice thing to say. See, I think that Teresa's evil ways are mostly a manifestation of her being too dumb to actually have full consciousness as a human being, but Melissa is just straight-up shady.
The RVs truck on and end up at a winery called Lancaster Estate, that is maybe also a hotel. Juicy is finally happy, given that he'll soon be able to drunkenly split his lip on someone else's floor. Poor Chris Laurita (it's he and Albert who I always feel the worst for, as they seem like quasi-normal mellow type of guys who married into this shitshow) recognizes the potential for disaster that lies ahead. As we see footage of Rich dropping a wine glass on the floor, we learn that this whole thing has some sort of tie-in with Chris's business dealings. I think he's shown what a terrible businessman he is simply by virtue of bringing this cast of morons to anything remotely professional in nature. Take a lesson from RHONY's Heather and leave the crazy people at home!
The group takes a trip to Levendi Winery, which is the company that Chris will be... doing whatever it is he does with. Promoting? Chris politely asks everyone to be on their best behavior, which I'm sure will totally work. Note that they have already busted open a bottle of wine in the shuttle. Winemaker Allison Doran greets the group, looking very kindly. She takes them on a tour, which includes wine barrels that she says cost about $1,000 a piece. For no fucking reason at all, Juicy says, "I could get them for about $850." What is he even talking about? No one knows. Juicy takes a little sip of the cabernet that Allison doles out, makes a noise in his throat, and then offers the rest of it to Rich. It turns out that Juicy is hungry, and wants to leave. Joe Gorga then yells out, "This tastes like my wife, baby. Like a fiiiiiine smooth wine." If you added up all the Gorga/Giudice IQs, do you think they'd break 100? As the Manzos and Lauritas look stressed, Teresa notes that this is fun and not work and that everyone should try to have a good time. Sigh.
Christopher Manzo tries to be professional and ask questions of Allison while Joe feeds Melissa grapes, encourages her to use her tongue, and declares himself a horny bastard. Juicy and Melissa then toss grapes into Joe's mouth while Chris Laurita looks troubled. He's starting to get annoyed, but tells us that he's not the type of guy to tell everyone to fuck off. Rather, he tries to make even the grodiest situations better. Allison seems to be taking it all in stride though, and seems genuinely amused when Teresa and Jacqueline tell her tales of how they stomped grapes like Lucy and Ethel. As they take their leave, Christopher Manzo tells us that their partnership with Levendi will be a learning experience for everyone, since Levendi knows nothing about selling things and the Manzo Group LLC (or whatever they call themselves) knows nothing about wine. A partnership made in heaven! I think the Manzo Group LLC's main marketing strategy is "having your product featured on an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey." It costs an additional 10% to have your product featured in a scene where Giudice ass-fingering is mentioned. The whole crew leaves Levendi, and in the shuttle Albert and Juicy get into the weirdest argument about the location of a particular KFC. Like us, Christopher finds it oddly compelling.
Back at Lancaster Estate, winemaker Jesse Katz and owner Nicole Simpkins meet with the entire group, and can barely contain their horror. Chris tells us that Lancaster put them up in style, and though they are not his clients he's banking on everyone taking their impending winery tour seriously. In response, Teresa and Juicy have a rousing debate about whether you can see her crotch. Awesome. There is an insane wine cave on the property, and Kathy tells us that her grandfather had a cave like this. That is because the immediate Gorga relations are EARLY MAN. Would you be surprised to learn that Teresa's grandfather was a caveman? LOOK AT HER FOREHEAD, FOR PETE'S SAKE!
Jesse gives the group a taste of one of their finest cabernets, but before he can tell them too much about it Joe Giudice points everyone's attention to a nearby statue, which he thinks looks like Joe Gorga's manhood, upside down. He yells out the words "nuts" and "fucking penis," and then Joe tries to jump on the statue, which is in fact the Lancaster lion. Jesse and Nicole look so very troubled. I recognize that look every time I glance at a mirror while recapping this show. Caroline points out that Joe Gorga is a lovable goon, but also a raging doofus. Yes, we know. She's regretting Chris's decision to bring along this motley crew.
Lauren then blindfolds Caroline and she is driven off to a surprise belated birthday lunch in the middle of the vineyard. It's a lovely setting, and Albie gives a toast that makes her cry AND makes him cry. Chris gives another really sweet toast, and then it's Lauren's turn. She has prepared nothing and complains about always having to go last. And then she's like, "Thanks for bestowing upon me these crippling body issues!" No, she doesn't say that at all. She actually pulls it together and praises Caroline's maternal attributes. It's very sweet, and even Chris Laurita cries. Then Juicy decides that it's his turn to toast Caroline. He notes that he and Teresa have gone back a long time with the Manzos, and have always patronized their restaurant, the name of which escapes him. (He means the Brownstone, obviously.) He says that they should still continue their friendship, nevermind the bullcrap. It could just be that my expectations for him are dregs-of-the-wine-barrel low, but that was actually kind of sweet. Caroline cries, and Teresa starts bawling and actually looks just like Gia. She wonders if, once they get back to Jersey, she and Caroline can be more than cordial acquaintances. Yeah, that one's a real cliffhanger.
Chris then asks Caroline to name some of the best times she's had during her 50 years on earth. She names each of her children, of course, and says that the best thing that ever happened to her is Albert, because he gave her the kids. Everyone toasts, and Melissa yells, "Thank you, Jesus!" You know, whenever I give Melissa a hard time for being shady and conniving, I have to remember that she's of the precise intelligence level that leads a person to try to make "Thank you, Jesus!" her catchphrase.
And then it's the moment we've all been waiting for! Juicy gets a text and gets up from the table, saying, "I gotta call work." Um, what work? Way to give yourself away, you big jerk. So, of course Teresa is eyeing him suspiciously, and of course Joe Giudice doesn't realize how a body mic works. He asks the "worker" on the other end of the line what "he" is doing, and upon hearing the response goes, "Oh! Don't even tell me that. Mmmhmmmmmmhmmmmm." Teresa then gets up to walk over to Juicy, which prompts him to utter the immortal words, "Hold on. Here she comes. My bitch wife. She's such a cunt." You guys, he is a bad man. Honestly. Teresa grills Juicy about who is on the phone, and he calls her a retard and a pain in the ass, and then says that the man on the other end of the phone doesn't even understand English. He speaks in Italian about someone picking up something and then hangs up in a hurry. Everyone else is off happily taking photos, but Teresa and Juicy walk away. Caroline tells us that she's not going to get into Teresa's marriage, but says that she feels bad for her. Well, Caroline and I are in agreement about that, at least.
What will make you feel even worse for Teresa is that she's trying to convince Juicy to have sex with her in the vineyards, and he won't. He actually screams, "I ain't doing it!" and then calls her a fucking whore. You guys, it's the saddest and worst. I just, ugh. So, everybody else is sort of trying to peer through the grapes and figure out what's going on, and whether Teresa is angry or sad or laughing. Melissa says that she sees Teresa lifting her dress up, and Caroline gives a look like, "Are you fucking serious that this bitch is trying to get laid in the grapes ON TV during my belated birthday celebration?" and tells everyone to eat. Jacqueline thinks that this madness is happening because Teresa was upset about Caroline being the center of attention, but after the phone call incident we know that it's all far more sinister and pathetic than that. Joe tells Teresa again that he doesn't feel like doing it, and she yells, "A little bit!" Is that like "just the tip"? She then straddles him and he says, "All right, come on, get it over with, this fucking stupid shit." Ah, the language of romance. She must feel so loved. Richie peers on through the grapes and says to Joe, "I swear to god I think your brother-in-law is hitting your sister in the fucking vineyard." He interviews that he kept hearing Teresa saying that they could do it in the vineyard, and that she'd put her legs up, and adds, "This guy doesn't even want you in the bedroom. What makes you think he's gonna want to do you on gravel?" Ouch. I mean. And here, let us say a silent prayer for the writers and editors who have to watch the hours of raw footage of this shit. You suffer so that we can suffer less. Rest assured, though, we're still suffering.
Teresa and Juicy return to the table and get questioned about what was going on. Juicy says that Teresa attacked him in the vineyards and wanted a fast one. Even Joe Gorga thinks this is too much, and actually looks really disturbed. When Joe Gorga thinks you're being gross, you have a major problem. And Poor Lancaster Estate wines, at such risk for a cootie infestation.
The morning, Teresa tries to kiss Juicy when she wakes up and he literally pushes her away. I love how even amidst all of this video evidence of the fact that he wants nothing to do with her as a carnal being or as a human, period, Teresa still tries to pretend that they're horny as nubile rabbits for each other. Newflash: It only makes you sadder! Maybe that's what she's going for, actually. Jacqueline does Teresa's hair for a fancy dinner. Another newsflash: Jacqueline feels fat. And newsflash III: Chris Laurita has some issues with Juicy, given his shit talking of the Laurita/Manzo family. Jacqueline hopes that they talk and reach some sort of understanding. I hope they all die an instant fiery death within the three minutes, and the final ten minutes of the episode are just black silence. Or flames. Oh God, and then Teresa has to complain to Jacqueline for a while about Kathy and the recipe thing, because God forbid we don't bring that up for a whole episode.
Albert and Albie have a nice father and son talk, and then Caroline approaches Kathy for help with her hair. Kathy asks Caroline what happened with Jacqueline and Teresa, and Caroline says that they've agreed to disagree about the definition of friendship. Caroline adds that Teresa is emotionally retarded, which is something that I think we can all co-sign. Jacqueline then enters, and says that she and Teresa are getting along better, and that she needs to know her boundaries with Teresa, e.g., not ask her any questions about herself or her life. Caroline tells Jacqueline that this doesn't make her (Jacqueline) happy, but Jacqueline seems more or less okay with it. She notes that Teresa and Kathy seem to be getting along okay, but Caroline butts in to say that she sees Teresa moving toward Melissa but not toward Kathy. Kathy agrees, and says that even though they've been getting along okay... well, basically she still thinks that Teresa is full of shit, and feels like she's being pushed aside as Melissa and Teresa bond. Caroline likes Kathy, because why would you not like Kathy?
With that, it's dinnertime on the last night of the vacation. Chris makes a toast about how fun the whole thing was, and how he's looking forward to spending time with them all in the future. Teresa then wants to "say a toast" herself. She thanks Chris and Jacqueline for inviting them, then says that she and Juicy loved spending time with Joe and Melissa and love them very much, and finally wishes Caroline a happy 50th. Kathy looks peeved and shrugs her shoulders. Everyone raises their glass except for Caroline, who mumbles that she doesn't raise her glass to mean toasts. Kathy says it doesn't make sense to her why she wasn't included in the toast, and how Teresa can pick and choose when they're family and when they're not. She feels embarrassed. Caroline is stewing, and tells us that she wants to get up and leave. Also, she wants to deck Teresa. She thinks that it was a deliberate shun. Richie, however, thinks that a shun from Teresa doesn't mean anything, because he doesn't give a shit about her. He is, however, upset that Kathy's efforts to make things better only result in Teresa getting nastier and nastier. Everyone is team Kathy, obviously.
week: Shitshow, per usual.
Potes knows that she has things to live for, but at the moment she can't remember what they are. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com with your condolences.