The Not So Great Outdoors

S04E15

And then everyone freaks out because they have no cell phone service and can't tweet nasty things to or about each other for two days. They drive further into the woods and encounter hillbilly hitchhikers. Teresa fears the same crazy psycho lunatics who give me hope that no one makes it out alive. Except, maybe Lauren Manzo makes it out alive, just so we can have a sequel. Everyone basically thinks that Chris and Jacqueline are the worst vacation planners ever. It turns out that Casini Ranch is deserted. EXCEPT FOR THE DEMENTED LUNATIC WHO ROAMS THE WOODS AT NIGHT! Oh, wait, that's just Joe Giudice. Rich, Chris and Juicy go to the local store, which is not the most well-stocked establishment except in the areas of mood rings and Wiffle Ball. So, everyone is going to starve. It's not my preferred method of death for this cast, but I'll take it. Vito looks like he might cry, and that he's actually considering if you can cook and eat a Wiffle Ball bat.

But wait! There is actually a ton of food! It looks really good too. How did that even happen? In any case, Lauren starts to nag Vito, and then Chris tells her to join the Wakile RV permanently. Kathy is not sure how she feels about that. And then Lauren stomps off. Caroline says, "I can't help crazy, Christopher." Then everyone tells Lauren that she's oversensitive, which she is. You'd think all the food would make her happy and mellow! But no. Then everyone laughs at her and she goes and locks herself in the RV. Caroline makes the most motherly statement of all time by saying, "Lauren locked herself in it because she's an asshole." She then explains that Lauren feels left out, pushed out and not good enough in so many ways. Gee, I wonder why she would ever get that impression. Vito is the only person who loves Lauren enough to check in on her, and she explains to him that she only wants to have a relationship with her brothers, and all they do is act nasty toward her. Ditto for Caroline, as we have seen. I'm frankly surprised that she hasn't tried to guilt Lauren into eating only tree leaves for the duration of their vacation.

The day, Lauren has finally gotten over it, at least temporarily, and has decided not to ruin everyone else's trip. Bad choice, Lauren. If she were smart, she'd join forces with the demented lunatic roaming the woods and wipe out all of her problems in memorable fashion. In any case, the group is going canoeing. Joe Gorga of course likes to go canoeing in his underwear. As the canoe guides point out some sort of river ticks, Melissa reminds us how much she hates nature and this trip in particular. It does seem like a very shitty trip. I guess this canoeing adventure is kind of like bumper cars, and you can also shoot water with river ticks in it at your fellow canoe-ers. Caroline and Albert make a point of canoeing off away from these dumb-asses so they can actually enjoy a peaceful afternoon on the river. And then a tick bit them and they died, the end.

There are claims that Joe Gorga is too wasted to surf. Does the smell of Chianti draw sharks? If so, just push him in the water and forget your worries. Melissa intended to surf, but the water is too cold for her princessy taste. So she just sits there in her sequined bikini and lets Teresa and Kathy be the sole female surfers. Teresa bangs her toe somehow, but the water soon numbs it. Or maybe a shark came and nibbled it off, like it was a chicken nugget?

Anyway, once everyone is out of the water there's a lot of horseplay on the beach. Chris assures us that Jacqueline has a very hot body, and as a thank you Jacqueline humps him a little in front of everybody. And then Joe Giudice steps on Joe Gorga's flippers and makes him fall face-first in the sand. We are assured that everyone is having a spectacular time.

Back in the RV at night, Teresa's ankle is killing her. No one really cares, because they're too busy watching Joe Giudice hold a giant sausage up to his junk, and Joe Gorga actually flashing his own man parts. The endless debate over which Joe's penis is bigger shall not be determined tonight, as Joe Giudice has a policy of only flashing his junk to WOMEN. For good measure, Melissa hikes up Teresa's dress and slaps her butt a bunch, then tells us how much she enjoys fondling. Kathy eventually comes into the RV and becomes the first person to give even half a shit about Teresa's swollen ankle. As she's inspecting it, Nurse Melissa comes over and hikes Teresa's dressy up above her cooch, because she's really helpful in an emergency medical type of situation.

Kathy convinces Teresa to hobble outside and join everyone else at the fire pit. Chris announces that tomorrow everyone will go to Casini Ranch, which entails a drive over the Golden Gate Bridge. Joe Giudice has never heard of the Golden Gate Bridge. Someone should tell him that it's in the country of San Francisco. Oh no, and then someone suggests truth or dare. Albie first dares Joe Gorga to knock on the door of a neighboring RV in his underwear and ask if they have any fruit. You know how reluctant Joe Gorga is to take off all his clothes. There is no fruit to be had at the RV, but the very confused occupant does give him a pepper. That poor pepper does not know what it's in for. Albie then chooses truth, and Lauren asks if he fears that the two of them and Christopher will wind up in some sort of wacky feud as is the custom amongst the people of New Jersey. Albie is actually looking forward to getting some distance between himself and these degenerates.

In breaking news, Teresa's ankle still hurts and she whines a bunch. Caroline suggests that she wrap her ankle and ice it, and Jacqueline gets the first aid kit. Lauren helps to wrap it, as she's had experience with a broken foot. Jacqueline looks very sad, which makes Teresa sad. Teresa tells us that she still hasn't given up on their friendship. Then Juicy carries Teresa into their RV while telling her how heavy she is. Charming!

The morning, Teresa's swollen ankle prevents her from wearing a pair of ugly-ass boots. Instead, she wears one ugly-ass boot, because she is the type of human who perseveres under great duress. The Wakiles invite Lauren on their bus for the leg of the journey, which is fortunate for her as she gets to miss the conversation in the Manzo bus about who has had the most sex on the trip. Jacqueline and Chris have had sex, which comes as news to Caroline and Al. Caroline claims that she was sound asleep and did not feel the RV rocking. Chris says to Jacqueline, "I think your mother heard you last night," and she replies that she tried to be quiet. Christopher basically wants to die.

On the Gorga/Giudice bus, conversation turns to how way back when Teresa told Melissa that the Gorga parents wouldn't like her because she had fake boobs. And now Teresa has fake boobs too! Remember when Teresa was an A-cup in early seasons? We were all so innocent then!

After a break, Albie calls Lindsey on the phone and Lindsey talks about bringing boxes to her new apartment. Everyone hears and asks a bunch of questions, and Albie has to admit that she moved in with them. Caroline is happy for Albie but not really, and Lauren doesn't know about the whole thing yet. But when she does, hopefully the second generation Manzo feud will commence! In the Gorga/Giudice RV, everyone is very flummoxed by the fact that the Golden Gate Bridge is not, in fact, gold. They think the Golden Gate Bridge is just another stupid bridge, and anyway it pales in size compared to their penises. And then Christopher contacts Lauren on the walkie-talkie to tell her that Lindsey is their new roommate, and Lauren is mad that no one had the decency to tell her in person. Her real issue, though, is that she thinks she's being replaced by someone prettier and thinner. You got a man, Lauren Manzo! Buck up and let people live their lives!

Meanwhile, Melissa keeps telling Joe that they have a hole in their boat and it's sinking, and he tells her to shut up a bunch of times. And then all of a sudden there is frantic screaming for like 20 seconds. The Gorga boat has flipped. Everyone else thinks it's very funny. Melissa does not think it's funny. Wouldn't it be awesome if she emerged from the river covered in leeches? DEADLY LEECHES? Of all the things that could kill people out in the wilderness, I can't believe that none of these degenerates has died yet, or even been maimed! Bravo has really ripped us off this time.

The two Joes then go off to pee on a bush together, and have some sort of a weird bonding moment that ends up with fellatio and a hug. Whatever works! Melissa tells Kathy that having the Gorgas and Giudices share an RV was the best thing that could have happened. They're getting along and having fun and other things that won't last very long.

Back at Casini Ranch, Caroline asks Jacqueline how things are with her and Teresa. Coincidentally, Teresa is also talking to her clan about her relationship with Jacqueline! They listen politely, but basically everyone except Teresa thinks that Teresa was kind of a d-bag to Jacqueline but won't admit it. Teresa says that she's going to try to talk it out with Jacqueline. I'm sure that will go great. In other news, I guess Teresa's ankle is fine.

After dinner, Teresa awkwardly asks Jacqueline to come and help her with dessert. Everyone knows that she just wants to have a talk. Teresa says that she's been having fun on the trip, but wants to know where they go from here. She's still hurt from what Jacqueline did to her. And of course Jacqueline is hurt too. But, Teresa says, she did nothing to Jacqueline (I guess being a shitty friend for eternity doesn't count), whereas Jacqueline ambushed her. Jacqueline tells Teresa that she didn't mean for it to be an ambush, but she was worried about her and Teresa never talked to her about anything of substance. Their fundamental difference centers around the fact that Jacqueline views friends as people who share things with one another, while Teresa views friends as people who don't pry into one another's business. Jacqueline also points out that at one time Teresa wanted her to go after Melissa. Teresa notes that Jacqueline didn't do that, and eventually she (Teresa) got over it. Meanwhile, Vito wonders where dessert is, and Kathy and Caroline wonder how they can get in on the drama that is obviously happening inside the RV.

Jacqueline tells Teresa that she wants a friendship that's real and not fake. Teresa says that she's never been fake, and Jacqueline counters that she's always been fake. Or, I would argue, just dumb. Teresa says that she's always cared about Jacqueline, and a peeved Jacqueline says that she's just not going to inquire about Teresa's well-being anymore. Oh good, that's settled then. Teresa says that if Jacqueline only wants a superficial friendship, that they should just go their separate ways after this trip. And then Jacqueline starts crying. This would be the perfect time for the demented lunatic of the woods to kill everyone outside very quietly, and for Teresa and Jacqueline to emerge from the RV, apple pie in hand, to find only bloody carnage! But alas, it does not happen. Jacqueline continues to cry, and then Teresa manages to squeeze out like half a tear. Somehow they get to the point where they say they want to be friends again, and then they hug. They go back outside, and Caroline tells us that Jacqueline is going to get hurt and she can't do anything about it. I wish everyone would get hurt by a demented lunatic of the woods. Maybe week?

On the episode: We get to hear Joe Giudice talk to someone on the phone about his bitch wife. Awesome.

Potes wonders why a good demented lunatic of the woods is so hard to find. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.