Previously on Masterpiece Classics presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Albie had a very nice-seeming new girlfriend named Lindsey, but Caroline would prefer him to have a paramour named "work." The unluckiest therapist in the world advised Teresa and Joe Gorga not to share an RV on the Napa trip while wondering what karmic atrocity made him deserve this particular professional boon. Teresa and Jacqueline were cordial to each other, while the RHONJ husbands foreshadowed drama over a giant tub of mac and cheese.
We open with a stormy scene. Literally! Like a giant storm! But I'm sure it also foretells doom. Melissa explains to her kids that she's dumping them with her family for a while to go on a wine tasting tour. But wait! Melissa tells us that Hurricane Irene is rolling through. How satisfying would it be if JUST ONE of the cast members was hit by lightning? To whom must I sell my soul to make this happen? The ghost of Grandma Wrinkles? I WILL DO IT. No one knows how to dress for this particular trip, as evidenced by Melissa wondering if an off the shoulder silk blouse is appropriate for camping, and Teresa showing off her new sequined bathing suit. Can North Korea just bomb Franklin Lakes, maybe? Teresa says that she's never "done camping" before. As Teresa shows Juicy a bikini with pearls on it, we hear Gia scream, "Oh my God, pack, woman."
Jacqueline also is having a problem packing, and is a bit concerned about trying to keep up with Teresa and Melissa, fashion-wise. Don't have an inferiority complex, little Jacks, we know that deep down you are every bit as tacky as those orange clown-women! Teresa and Jacqueline talk to their respective spouses about their truce-like incident. Their conversation made Jacqueline miss the old Teresa. Chris looks skeptical. Teresa talks about it with Juicy, who cares even less than he has for the past three weeks. He really could not give a tenth of a shit. Teresa is a little nervous about leaving her kids in the hurricane, but also might not exactly know what a hurricane is. This has all the ingredientses for a real caper!
In Hoboken, Albie and Lindsey chat about the trip (on which Lindsey is NOT going), and as Greg and Christopher look on Albie asks Lindsey if she wants to move in for a while, until she gets her roommate situation straightened out. If she is insane enough to live with those three dudes, she deserves what she gets. Albie isn't sure how Caroline and Al will react to their cohabitation, but also doesn't really care. But there is bigger news! With Hurricane Irene on the horizon, travel is basically going to be a giant clusterfuck. Chris explains that Hoboken is being evacuated and Newark is cancelling flights, so they're going to have to drive to Pittsburgh (woo!) and wait there for five hours (go to the Warhol Museum!), then fly to Houston. Or, like, wait a day. But you know the Manzos! Why wait it out when you could have a 23-hour travel day?
And hey! It's Matt Lauer interviewing Governor Chris Christie! That's how we know this is SERIOUS. And so we see some home movie and animated footage of the caravan to Pittsburgh. What did the fair city of my birth do to deserve this cretinous influx? En route, the Gorgas and Giudices talk about listening to each others' sex noises. Jacqueline, meanwhile, talks from the airport about how they're all going to hug and kiss when they finally meet. And really, it is so disconcerting to see these jerks at an airport that I've been to at least one million times. I hope the proper authorities set off some sort of sanitizing bomb. The Gorga and Giudice car is running way behind the others, likely because they make so many stops to order Egg McMuffins and film each other peeing on rocks alongside the road. Sadly, they do not miss their flight, and soon enough the whole group is in Houston. Melissa is very confused about the concept and reality of time zones, and the whole group is overtired. Can you imagine being on a flight with this crew? Worse than having an entire preschool class in the rows directly behind you.
After a break, everyone finally arrives in San Francisco. On the shuttle bus, Caroline starts mocking everyone's attire, and Teresa says that at least her giant heels are "Aztec-y." She thinks they're going to somewhere affiliated with Native Americans, just because they're in the westernmost part of the country. Yeah. Then there's a lengthy conversation about how cows have sex. And then everyone watches a video of cows having sex and there is a whole lot of screaming. And, okay, they have a point. [That is maybe NSFW, depending on your workplace policy on cow needle-dick.]
Jacqueline reminds us that she's trying to be cordial with Teresa, and certainly doesn't want to fight with her, because she wants everyone to have a good time. Chris Laurita explains that their immediate agenda is to go get the RVs and buy some supplies, and then they'll head to Half Moon Bay where they'll camp out on the beach. And this is how the RVs break up: the Gorgas and the Giudices will share one; the Wakiles, Greg and Vito will share another; and all the Manzos/Lauritas will share a third. Because there is only so much room in the RV, the kids may have to sleep on the beach. This is apparently the first anyone's heard of this. Why don't they just get another RV? There's still time!
The crew heads into Camping World like it's an episode of Supermarket Sweep. Give it a few moments, and Lauren will totally start chucking hams into her cart. Greg grabs some decorative disco balls for his RV, and Teresa wins ever more points with her family by interviewing that Kathy, riding in a hat on a bicycle, looks like the Wicked Witch of the West. These idiots buy, like, $4,000 of camping supplies each. Meanwhile, Vito has brought a box of dried sausages and cheeses and other delicacies enjoyed by those who love salty meats and aged dairy. Sorry, vegans, it really is good stuff. Juicy totally wants some, but Caroline wants to take the box all for herself. It's clear where Lauren gets her healthy attitude toward food! Speaking of Lauren, she's just mad about everything. She notes that Juicy is stealing the Manzo camping stuff right out of their cart. Who ever thought any of this was a good idea? Per usual, I blame Andy Cohen. In other scintillating news, Teresa takes a dump in the RV. And they're off! Joe Gorga drives right over the Camping World lawn, in his continued effort to convince us of the solidity of his member.
After a break, the whole group caravans in their RVs around dangerous looking cliffs. Kathy worries that they're all going to die. What some might see as cause for worry, I see as cause for hope. Joe Gorga is a particularly terrible driver, and every time he takes a turn drawers fall out and fruit flies to the other side of the RV and that sort of shit. He almost causes Juicy to lose a finger, but not quite. Meanwhile, everyone checks out reports of the weather in Jersey, and Albie worries about Lindsey. He's even more worried about telling Caroline that Lindsey is living with him, though. Jacqueline speaks with hope about how nice Teresa has been on this trip, but of course Caroline shoots that down with a scowl. Chris really wants everyone to get along on this trip, though, and hopes that the men can serve as enforcers for this goal.
The RVs pull into the Pillar Point RV Park at Half Moon Bay, and Teresa correctly points out that it's a giant parking lot. This is not what she had in mind. She is also horrified at the thought of cooking on a propane grill. But lest you think that Teresa is just diva-ing out, Vito and Greg are also less than thrilled about the setting. The Manzo kids also think they have a particularly raw deal since they have to camp in a parking lot. This is not camping, Albie says. It's being homeless. He'd rather be in the hurricane, with his non-work lady love. Teresa gives the definitive statement: "I don't like camping." Caroline assesses the situation as such: "Nobody's dressed appropriately. Nobody knows how to do anything." It is truly the worst of all time. It's like National Lampoon's Jersey RV Vacation.
Melissa suggests to Teresa that they go meet their "neighbors." Haven't these poor regular people who have to camp in this horrible spot been through enough already? Melissa is pretty friendly, but Teresa mostly just is harsh about the terrible spot they've all (including the neighbors!) chosen for setting up camp. The neighbors apparently have a vast quantity of moonshine to get them through this onslaught of insult. Per usual, Melissa wishes that Teresa would shut up. Melissa then goes to talk to the Wakiles, and notes that Rich is working and breaking a sweat for one day in his life. He agrees that this is not a vacation, and Teresa comes over to second that emotion. Everyone is getting along! FOR NOW.
Teresa goes inside the Wakiles' RV, and for a minute everyone talks about what good times they used to have on Joe Giudice's boat, back before it got confiscated by the government or whatever. Teresa notes that she liked the boat more than she likes this RV park, because she likes everything better than she likes this RV park. Richie exits while telling Kathy and Teresa to get along. They're all like, "Of course!" And then as soon as he's out, Teresa brings up something that's been bothering her. It's the fucking recipes. Kathy doesn't remember looking through Teresa's cookbook at the signing and saying, "My mother's recipe!" though of course we have her on film doing just that. Teresa points out that if they were Kathy's mother's recipes she would have acknowledged that. But they're her own mother's recipes. Kathy points out that their mothers always used to swap recipes and bake together, and Teresa agrees. Kathy is secretly peeved, but tells Teresa she's glad that she brought it up instead of harboring resentments. Kathy then brings up Teresa's falling out with Jacqueline and Teresa. Teresa acknowledges that she was most upset with Jacqueline, but that they're cordial now. She's sure that it will work out for the best. Remember that on this show, best always means worst.
Meanwhile, if you think this house of horrors is bad, just wait for the meeting of Teresa Giudice and Renee Graziano on Watch What Happens Live!
After a break, we learn that Kathy and Richie want to get their freak on but it's a little hard with Vito and Greg in such close proximity. Kathy apparently is a screamer. Good to know. Elsewhere, the Gorgas and Giudices are burning up with actual heat. It turns out their thermostat was set at 101 degrees overnight. Joe Giudice is to blame, because he was cold when he came in the RV. Also probably wasted. No one slept well, and everyone is miserable. Except for Joe Giudice. He slept like a baby. Melissa and Teresa fondle each others' boobs for a while, and Teresa maybe likes it but maybe doesn't. And I would be remiss if I didn't mention her full-on Dynasty-wardrobed interview. With her hair shellacked straight back from her head, she looks exactly like the love child of Joan Collins and a macaque.
Oh God, and then Joe Gorga whips out his penis for the Manzos to see in the RV. And then Richie walks all around with his junk hanging out too, and strokes Greg's leg in a rather sensual manor. And it's only breakfast time! Caroline tells us that it's day two and she's actually enjoying the company of everyone, and purposely staying away from Teresa. She doesn't want anybody else's trip to be ruined when she opens her special brand of bulldog whoop-ass. Kathy talks to Jacqueline, Caroline and Lauren about how well her conversation with Teresa went. She says that she's not going to get involved in their beef with Teresa, but does want them to keep in mind that they had a long history and some great times together. Caroline nods, but doesn't really mean even this simple gesture of the head.
Teresa and Melissa take a walk, and everything seems fine until Teresa brings up the freaking recipe thing. Melissa defends Kathy a little bit, but also thinks this whole thing is really stupid. Teresa seems to be personally affronted by Melissa's support of Kathy. Melissa then points out that Teresa has had a beef with, well, everyone, and at some point she might need to step back and note that the common denominator in all that conflict is her. You can imagine how well this goes over. Teresa seems to feel like Caroline is the root of all of the conflict, and blah blah blah cookbook, and then she eventually gets to the point where she says that she doesn't want to argue with anyone. Melissa says that this conversation about nothing was a breakthrough moment, I guess because no tables were flipped. Teresa and Melissa talk about how nice it would be to rekindle their friendship on the trip. Back at the campsite, the men also agree that things are going better than expected. Dun-dunnnnnnn! I mean, we all saw last year's reunion.
week: Surfing! River snakes! More Joe Gorga penis. And more Jacqueline/Teresa conflict.
Potes would sooner walk to California than share an RV with anyone on this show. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.